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Author Topic: Need To Purge My Feelings  (Read 358 times)
Seekinganswers30
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« on: September 05, 2019, 01:16:11 PM »

My brain is closer to realizing the absolute horror of lies I was involved in with the ex but I'm still very depressed things turned out so nightmarish and that I tried my absolute best to love someone and failed so spectacularly.
This thread is repeating several things but I am in need of purging these bad feelings. I am approaching 7 weeks no contact by text but have that incident in the parking lot last week. Although seeing her lie so easily right before my eyes might be the wake up call I so desperately needed.

I met her online last September. We connected immediately, she was an amazing communicator and I found her incredibly interesting. Over the next three months I fell in love with her quickly. She texted me 35-50 times a day. She brought me gifts when she came to see me, Ice cream, pizza, thanksgiving dinner, etc. I got the flu during our first month together and she showed me great affection. She told me she was so lucky to find me, where did I come from, she wanted to build a future with me, she asked if I wanted to have kids eventually. She told me she thought she was pregnant for a few days and she was not worried and we would have dealt with it together. I honestly thought I was going to marry her eventually after that comment.

Her family owns 3 funeral homes and her dad is a lawyer so she has had everything handed to her for her whole life. She had a lot of anxiety and was hypersensitive to criticism. She went into a rage for an entire day because someone honked at her. She had a fight with her cousin at work and went on a 10 minute f-bomb rant and asked if we could find a hit man to kill him. She apoligized for living with her parents and going to church because she was so worried I wouldn't like her at first.  She would talk to strangers anywhere she went and had this bizarre way of being unable to focus on more than one person. I would be completely ignored until she finished the conversation. I've seen her suck up to people for 15 minutes and then cut them up as soon as they leave saying she doesn't like them. When I introduced her to my mom she didn't even talk to me as she was focused on my mom and wanted her approval. She told my mom she was skinny when my mom had gained a lot of weight recently and we found that comment strange. Her father paid for her to not work for 10 years and live abroad while getting her PHD. She refused to ever talk on the phone, everything was always through text. She had to change gyms when she came home from Florida. This is the most beautiful gym in the city and she said she cried for a month having to go there because her dad was paying for her to go to a $10,000 a year gym at the marina. She told me secrets about her family and their business.

At the beginning of month 4 she purchased a trip for us to Niagara for my birthday and that was the beginning of her personality changing. She started to scold me in public not to embarrass her when I asked questions. She worried I would be too old when our kid was 20 because I'm 7 years older than her. She said she worried if I could support her when we got married if she didn't want to work anymore. I have a very good job and home. I had serious performance anxiety that night in bed and she yelled at me. 

I went with her and my mom to Costco and she was quiet and moody the whole time. When we came home she yelled at me in front of my mom because she didn't want any birthday cake and I asked her to have some. Suddenly everything was a contradiction and I became very confused. She didn't want chocolate or go to restaurants anymore because she said she was fat even though she was extremely fit. The first time I gave her gifts she loved them. Then she told me she didn't like getting gifts because she doesn't like the things people give her and she has to pretend. She was no longer a fan of lots of texting or talking about football. She didn't like flowers anymore, holding hands in public, she didn't like music, one night she didn't like movies because she should be spending her time saving the world and the next night she wanted to watch movies again. She stayed overnight at my house only once and twice on overnight trips but lied to her parents all 3 times that she was with a friend because she felt guilty about them knowing. I couldn't get her to to stay overnight at my house more then the one time even though she asked me to buy coffee for her to have in the mornings and I bought her a special cup to leave here to drink from. She kissed me once in a restaurant in the beginning because she was trying to overcome her fear of public displays of affection and it made me feel wonderful. Then she casually mentions that she hated doing that. One night when drunk she said she needs to break up first and can't be broken up with, she pushes people away when they get too close, and that if she is hurt by someone she has to hurt them worse.

She complained that my clothes made me look old and my hairstyle. She had to babysit for 6 days and suddenly I was getting zero texts a day because she was so stressed. We went to mini-golf and she started smashing the ball when she had a bad game. She says she does this when things go bad. She was cancelling some of our dates 5 minutes before she was supposed to arrive. She texted me one morning and said she was bringing me homemade meatballs and then she didn't show up. She said she got busy at work and would bring them the next day. The next day she said she could bring them after 7 p.m. and then didn't show up again. I bought her Christmas presents and she yelled at me that we were not supposed to buy presents for each other and now she had to go buy me something. She made me wait until boxing day to give the presents to her because she she didn't want to have her parents watch and she would look like a jerk in front of them since she had nothing for me. I gave her the presents on boxing day and it was the last time I ever saw her. I had been walking on egg shells the entire month terrified that I was losing the girl I had fell in love with as she was a completely different person and I blamed myself. However, we still had plans to go to Vegas, she told my co-workers at my Christmas party she would see them next year and she asked me to bring movies over to watch with her parents the night before I was discarded, etc. So there were signs of the woman I fell for, but they were sporadic. On Boxing Day she said she was spending New Years Eve with her friend who was a single mom and it was a tradition and I didn't say anything.

3 days after Christmas I asked her if she wanted me to go to a dinner event with her or if she wanted to come over after and I didn't hear from her until 10:30 p.m. She wrote that she would see me the next day at 3 and we could go shopping in the USA. After a month of anxiety and not speaking up I couldn't take it anymore and wrote that I would like her to take 30 seconds to tell me when we don't have plans or if she is not coming so that I can make alternate plans instead of her leaving me hanging on a tree. I asked if she knew this was hurtful or if she didn't care. I also asked why she didn't want to spend New Year's with her boyfriend and why she didn't even bother to talk to me about it. I said this was not normal and like high school dating. She wrote back that I was out of line for expecting to spend New Year's Eve with her after only 4 months. This made no sense to me as we did Thanksgiving, my birthday, and Christmas. She said she ignored me when I asked if we had plans because I was pressuring her and she already told me I couldn't go to that dinner event with her. That was not true. She also said New Years Eve was a reunion with 5 friends that they did annually. These were blatant lies and I told her that was not what she said. 30 minutes before our date the next day she broke up with me on text saying things wouldn't work out and she couldn't see me. No further explanation. I sent her multiple messages trying to explain my message was not as confrontational as she though and she was overreacting. The next day I got a message that she was sad because she had love and a connection with me but I should find someone to treat me better than her. This made me more confused. I got the silent treatment for 3 more weeks and reopened my internet dating account reluctantly. Then one morning she reopened her profile with all new pictures and had changed her age wants to under 40, said family and friends were of the out most importance and she wanted someone who was passionate about their job or an entrepreneur. I felt like this was all directed at me to insult me. She clicked on my profile so I would know she was back online and I was so hurt that I cried all day. I almost had a nervous breakdown when I saw her profile. I just wanted the chance to talk to her in person one time before we started looking for other people. She wrote me one final message saying she wanted to help me move forward and proceeded to confuse me even worse. She said she had made it clear communication was over and then she said she had tried to write me several times but my new messages were causing her to panic and stay silent. So a contradiction in the same sentence. She said the text I sent was a red flag we wouldn't last in the long term but I needed to respect her not to tell me what the red flag was. She also made sure to say she didn't like having to write me the message because she does not like email and hates wasting timing on writing messages. I tried to tell her that I was completely loyal and in love with her and that is the opposite of a red flag for a long term relationship. I wrote her sister on facebook and said that I was losing weight and really confused why she would not talk to me in person. The sister wrote me back quickly and said I was a wonderful person and she was sorry things didn't work out and that I needed to take care of myself as I had a great future ahead of me.

My body went into complete shock from this. It felt like such a betrayal that she would leave me with a text message, blindside me right after a nice Christmas together and my weakness is the silent treatment. I really can't stand it. I sent her a couple texts a week for a month then 1 text a week for another 2 months. I asked her to please let me talk to her in person and if we had to say goodbye and there was no way to fix things at least we made an effort and could be on good terms. My entire family has used her funeral home and I told her my mom was expecting to use it so we need to be friendly with each other. She completely ignored my messages. I had talked to her everyday for 4 months, she had been intensely happy with me for 3 months and Jeckle and Hyde for 1 month but I was still attached to her and didn't know how to end things cold turkey and I couldn't understand how she was able to stop talking to me so easily either. One day I stopped being so polite and told her that breaking up by text with no closure was a terrible way to treat someone and signs of a bad person. After months of silence she wrote me back in 10 minutes in a rage saying she was going to call the police on me for harassment and fraud. Suddenly our relationship had been only 3 months instead of 4 and she said it was too short to deserve an explanation or closure. Then she said she was tying to not hurt my feelings by ignoring me and that she left because I never took her anywhere, I didn't watch the news, we had nothing in common and she was bored.

It almost seems like every message she sends me opens another rabbit hole. She used to compliment me on things we had in common and now we had nothing in common? In December we had 2 work parties, 2 trips to Niagara, a 250 dollar steak dinner, the casino, a wine tour, Costco with my mom, my birthday and Christmas with her family and she was bored??? If you want me to watch the news tell me that before you leave not 4 months later. She introduced me to a nicer Goodlife when we were together and I started going there for Yoga and signed my friend up to go with me there. 5 months later I saw her for the first time and said hello. This was about 7 weeks after her text about calling me a stalker. She said heyyyyyy very happily and then her whole face went dark and she hissed at me what I was doing there. I said Yoga and left. A month later I saw her again and said hello again and she jumped off the treadmill and said this is my gym and I'm calling the police on you for stalking me. She told the guy beside her she was shaking and went home. My friend was there and he said it was the craziest thing he ever saw. I saw her one other time after that and walked by without saying anything. I did send her another text when I was upset about the anniversary of my dad's death who was buried through her funeral home and when I learned another relative was dying of cancer. I told her life was too short for bad feelings between people who used to care about each other and I would really like to be able to see her for a drink or go for a walk and just try to cure the bad feelings between us. I said I had listened to her about watching the news and would like the opportunity to show her I can improve. She wrote me back the next day saying again she was calling the police on me, that I was gaslighting her, that I was a liar and verbally abusive and causing her great discomfort. Then she went on another tirade that she would have broken up with me weeks earlier but I pressured her and it made her feel bad and that she was bored with me because we have nothing in common.

I wrote her one final text detailing all the confusing and abusive comments she had made to me over our last month together and that I had never lied to her or gaslighted her or committed fraud and that this was narcissist projection. I told her she was not a good person and that I had lost 40 pounds and all she had to do was just take 10 minutes and talk to me on the phone or in person instead of her cowardly text dump. She wrote back immediately that I was a very sick individual and I need to get help. I did not respond. Last week I saw her in the gym for the first time in 6 weeks from a distance. She had a look of shock on her face. 5 days later I left the gym and we saw each other in the parking lot and my car was parked directly in front of hers. She does not own a car and just drives the various business cars so I had no idea that was her car. I got right in the car and avoided eye contact. As I was looking at my phone I heard her saying "I am in the Goodlife parking lot and he is right in front of me stalking me and I am calling the police." I looked up and she was filming me with her phone. I got out of the car and told her what the hell are you filming me for. She turned to the guys coming out of the car beside her and said she was shaking and that I was stalking her and that she had talked to the general manger on Thursday and I was being removed from the gym. I said that I was the one who was blindsided, betrayed and thrown away like a piece of garbage, but somehow she needs to make herself the victim. Everything is always about her and her wishes. I told her to go home and look up Borderline Personality Disorder and that while she is pretending to be the victim she leaves destruction everywhere she goes. I drove away but then went back to the gym and talked to the manager saying that was the second time she had attacked me for being a stalker. He said that she had not reported me and that I could go to the gym anytime I want. So she made up a lie on the spot to go with her shaking act. I called the police and they said keep going to the gym as well as long as I don't bother her and I did nothing wrong.

So I will never know for sure what happened, but she is a proven compulsive liar and unbelievably selfish. It's bizarre how she mirrored me so beautifully for 3 months and I can't detach from her
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« Reply #1 on: September 05, 2019, 01:39:27 PM »

Hey Seeking, Maybe it's time to let go?  Is that something you can do?  LJ
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« Reply #2 on: September 05, 2019, 01:47:28 PM »

a member here once told me that women fall out of love in stages. looking back in my past relationships, i can see it. i couldnt see it at the time. us men often cant. we often operate on a different page. women (in general) may go back and forth, have doubts, have second thoughts.

i had an ex when i was 18, my senior year of high school.

seemed like a great girl, the most quality girl id ever dated. id been burned before so i was a little hesitant. she fell for me really hard. eventually, i let my guard down and fell hard back.

but something happened, Seeking. she got bored.

it happened slowly. i had no idea at the time. i thought we were still in the same stage where she was all over me and i could do no wrong. that was still the stage i was in.

it started with little nit picky stuff, little criticisms of me. eventually it evolved to complaints about the relationship, about how we did the same old thing, about how we werent having fun. so we tried, but it went badly. she started distancing. ignoring my calls. hanging out with an ex. i was going crazy, doing anything i could think of, pushing to be with her. it pushed her away. then i got pissed about it and kinda let her have it. and it pushed her away further. yep, she even spent new years with an ex boyfriend instead of me.

we had a little upswing toward the end. i remember she made out with me passionately and told me she was "so glad we are back". she broke up with me the next day. eventually she admitted it to me. that shed been bored for a while. that shed seen the writing on the wall for a while. that shed seen that we werent really compatible. she just didnt have the guts to end it at the time, and she stuck it out a little longer until she couldnt anymore.

it was a bitter pill, Seeking, made harder by the fact that i couldnt see it at the time. looking back, i believe thats what was going on for her. i can see it now.

Excerpt
So I will never know for sure what happened

you do know what happened. shes told you, from her perspective, what happened. youre having a hard time accepting it because it really hurts. youre having a hard time accepting it because youre clinging to the good times.

but one of the hardest things that ive had to learn is that minds change. hearts change. people get bored, and they leave us. even people that once worshiped the ground we walked on. things can be puppies and rainbows and flowers in the beginning. its easy to get lost in. its hard to let go of. but relationships dont stay in that place.

its a hard lesson Seeking, but it happens.

if you can face that, as hard as it is, you will start to move through the pain toward freedom.

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Seekinganswers30
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« Reply #3 on: September 05, 2019, 01:54:51 PM »

That's something I would like to do, I'm sick of the headaches and pain in my heart. Every morning I try to tell my brain to let go, but it still fights me through the day that this woman wanted me so much and then turned on me so quickly that it's my fault.

And the burning bridges she did immediately after bothers me greatly. Why does she want to hate me and act like I'm dangerous when we have talked in person 3 times in 8 months. When she left why wouldn't she even talk to me about my mom using her funeral home and being on good terms? I loved her to the best of my abilities and I'm probably the last guy on Earth she would ever want to talk to again.

Finally I hear so many stories, especially from the women I know about their past and their friends who give terrible men chance after chance because they fight to save their relationship and the last date I had with my ex was beautiful. I gave her presents, my mom gave her presents and a card thanking her for taking care of me when I was sick. Yet I'm not worthy of a second chance or even a conversation to understand why she cancelled all our plans for the future and wants nothing more to do with me.
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« Reply #4 on: September 05, 2019, 02:06:26 PM »

I agree with you that people get bored. This takes time though. She texted me that she loved me for the first time just a week before we went to Niagara and her personality changed. So how do you get bored in a day a week after saying I love you for the first time? She told me she loved me a couple more times and at Christmas. We made plans to go to Vegas, I asked her to go on road trips anywhere she wanted, the boat show coming up in Toronto. We had Christmas parties and another Niagara trip. So I have a hard time with the bored comment. She got bored perhaps because I was no longer a shiny toy in the idealization stage. She made plans with me to do 7 things the last week we were together. If I was refusing to do anything she asked then it makes sense, but I wanted to go everywhere and anywhere with her.

Also why not talk to me about this while we are together? If you are unhappy in a relationship the decent thing to do is to tell your partner first. You especially don't let them bond with your family at Christmas and then text dump them and cut them off just because you are bored 4 days later. I think the bored comment came 5 months later because I had been messaging a lot that she left me for that message I sent and I don't understand why we couldn't talk about it. So she needed a better excuse to make herself look better as she refuses to apoligize or accept blame for anything. Being bored also does not make someone lie profusely all of a sudden and then accuse me of being a liar. Something is very wrong here.
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« Reply #5 on: September 05, 2019, 02:12:57 PM »

Another key thing is that your ex told you she was not having fun and you were doing the same thing. You can see her thought pattern in advance whether it is right or wrong. Mine just started to dislike me as well as food and football and flowers etc. basically over a month span with no explanation about what was going on in her head.
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« Reply #6 on: September 05, 2019, 02:32:28 PM »

the last time i saw my ex (the one that brought me here, not the one i wrote about above), she told me she was "falling in love with me all over again". she broke up with me about a week after.

it happens, Seeking. women have doubts and second thoughts that we as men dont see.

Excerpt
So she needed a better excuse to make herself look better as she refuses to apoligize or accept blame for anything.

you dont have to agree with her, or like it. but by refusing to accept that shes entitled to her feelings, entitled to change her mind, that people dont always owe us explanations, or believing that gifts buy our worthiness or entitle us to someones time or attention, you keep yourself stuck in pain.

i know you dont want to believe this, but she did tell you, in her own ways, some subtle, some big, that she was unhappy. it is possible that she didnt see the relationship as something she wanted to fight for, so she didnt go beyond that. but shes explained herself to you since then. it just hurts to hear.

Excerpt
Why does she want to hate me and act like I'm dangerous

ive seen both sides of this. i have some idea of how you feel, and some idea of how she feels.

i had an ex accuse me of stalking her. it was kind of out of nowhere. we had a polite conversation about exchanging belongings. when i approached her, she started screaming, at the top of her lungs "QUIT STALKING ME. QUIT. STALKING ME." and then she went around telling everyone i was stalking her. this is a person who had been a close friend of mine for over a year before we ever dated. i didnt really know how to process it. friends, to lovers, to enemies.

on the other side of the coin, i had an internet pen pal. when id go a couple of days without responding to her, shed be really pushy. she left me a voicemail once in hysterics ranting about the "power" i had over her. this was never even a romantic thing, by the way, wed never even met. it made me feel sorry for her, but it also made me really uncomfortable. any time she pushed me for my time or attention, i felt violated, and pushed back. i tried as hard as i could to keep a healthy distance. eventually she started insisting on meeting me. i told her no. she wanted to argue about it, and that was enough for me. i told her i didnt think it was a good idea for us to speak anymore. she went nuts. email after email about how much id hurt her, how i was just like everyone else, how all i had to do was talk to her. part of me wanted to respond, correct the record, and let her have it. i knew it was best not to do, though, so i didnt. the whole thing made me feel really uncomfortable and violated.

when someone feels cornered, they lash out; it triggers something called "fight or flight". pushing her to talk with you, to see you, showing up at the gym...these things make her feel cornered. women experience this a lot more than men. ask any of them thats ever been on the receiving end of it.

in a lot of ways Seeking, by disrespecting her wishes, youve put yourself in this position. members tried to warn you of that at the time.

i know these things hurt to hear. im saying them to break through; to try to help.
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« Reply #7 on: September 05, 2019, 02:39:04 PM »

SA-

pwBPD traits canNOT explain the what’s and why’s of things going on in their heads.  These things defy logic... these emotions.  You’re trying to find logic in this and there is no “logic”.  There never will be.

I’m so sorry, but this obsessive line of thinking is truly hurting you.  There is not going to be a satisfying “answer” of “WHY”?

If she had broken up in person rather than by text, your question of “WHY?” Would STILL be the same.  Can you see that, SA?  It’s NOT that she did this by text, it’s that she did this.

People break up with GOOD people.  All the time.  For unsatisfactory reasons.  For lame reasons.  For NO reasons.  Radical Acceptance, my friend.

My dear SA... It is time, well past time for you to FORGIVE YOURSELF.  You could NOT have done anything more or better or different or higher or farther or more left or more right or truer or prettier or pinker or louder or softer than you did.  FORGIVE YOURSELF.

Please... call a therapist and take yourself there.  Value yourself enough to say “I want to begin to heal now”.

You did the BEST anyone could have done.  You need to say hello to yourself and set yourself free from these thoughts.

You’ve got a whole lot of life left to live, but you’re forcing yourself to remain captive.  I am quite certain your mom is worried sick by now.  If you won’t heal for yourself, then do it for your dear mom.  Sometimes we can take our first step for someone else.  Will you?  At least try?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #8 on: September 05, 2019, 03:01:48 PM »

I tried the therapist and it was very unhelpful. I looked into my insurance plan. I think the only therapist that may be useful to me is one who is familiar with trauma bonding and NPD/BPD relationships. I found a list of them in Hamilton and will call if I don't sort myself out soon. A guy at work just 10 minutes ago said he was very concerned by my weight loss.

And yes my stubborn urge to understand others is getting me into trouble emotionally. I would just never discard someone who I cared about like this and refuse to speak to them. So it is hurtful that she never really bonded with me when she was pretending to and the whole relationship was about her feelings. I had an ex call me at 3 am saying she was going to kill herself and I talked to her until she was calm. This woman would rather see me hit by a truck then ever appear in the same building as her again. She found someone who would have never cheated on her and treated her with kindness for the rest of my life and she thinks being in the same building as her now is dangerous. It's insane.
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« Reply #9 on: September 05, 2019, 04:33:10 PM »

SA-

As difficult as this is to understand, this is not about her.  It’s is about you.  A therapist does NOT need to understand much about BPD to work with you.   The T DOES need to be given a chance by YOU.  Give someone an opportunity to work with you - to help you move into the healing and detachment process.

Tonight, maybe over the next few days, See if you can quietly read some of the responses you’ve received to your posts.  Try to objectively reflect on those.  Without reaction, without response.  Just try to go back and read responses to what you’ve written.  Quietly “hear” what your friends here have said to you.

We have listened to what you’ve told us.  Have you listened to what we’ve tried to tell you?

Will you try that?

Gems

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« Reply #10 on: September 05, 2019, 06:10:09 PM »

Yes I know your are right. Let it go. I just fought as hard as I could to get a conversation in case there was any chance to find out what was wrong and fix it because I truly did love her. The thought of her on the internet looking for others when she didn't even give me a chance makes me sick but there id nothign I can do except accept it.

Also her saying I'm only her fourth boyfriend makes me think why didn't she try harder since she hasn't dated many men.
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« Reply #11 on: September 08, 2019, 03:25:57 PM »

I share some of these posts with my two friends who have helped me through this ordeal so much as they understand this was not a normal breakup and know I have never acted this way before. My mom met my ex and disliked her so she actually is mad at me for missing her and doesn't understand how I feel. She thinks I was lucky to be rid of her before she destroyed me worse.

My brain is like a rogue organ right now. Every morning I go through a mantra to try to feel better. Variations of when I wish she was with places with me to enjoy together I need to remember that we didn't have much fun in Niagara when we were supposed to be celebrating my birthday and she said at least one thing to hurt me every time I saw her during that last month. I remember going to breakfast with her on my birthday and telling her I really liked her family when we met at the party and she snapped at me what did you think they were assholes? She was just in a bad mood it seemed that whole month so why would that change if we went back out.

The woman I love was who she was the first 3 months - she was not real and this woman who is threatening me with police is the real her and she is not a good person.

I miss holding her and all the hours we spent in bed together - the last couple weeks together she had criticized me so much I was afraid to be intimate with her in case I performed poorly again.

The thought of her with another man makes me nauseous - she confused and hurt my brain so much with her contradictions and discard that she is toxic  and I don't care what she is doing anymore.

Then I get out of bed and feel better for about 5 minutes and my brain starts telling me I miss my girlfriend and what we had, and at the very least I want us to stop being enemies and at least depart with a friendly conversation. Then I have to fight off the urge to text her several times a day.

Everyday I hope it gets easier. This weeks is the 1 year anniversary that we met so that's probably not helping me. Also NFL just started and that was another thing we really bonded over and talked about all the time as I have a survivor pool at work. Then in December she lost all interest in football just as much as she did in me and food and going to restaurants and letting me cook for her.

My friend goes to Starbucks with a psychologist on a regular basis and told him about me and he asked me to email him my story that I posted here. The psychologist said he got anxiety himself just from reading my story and that this person is substantially damaged and will continue to cause you harm. I tell myself not to be so hard on myself if just reading my story makes a professional anxious. I just hope I will stop missing her every day. It's not logical. Anyone else that treated me as poorly as she did and does I would want nothing to do with.
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« Reply #12 on: September 08, 2019, 04:37:11 PM »

Hey SA-

You’re beginning to move “through” it... detaching.  Above all else, you’ve got to remain and honor No Contact.  If the urge to contact hits you - post here, call a friend, write in a journal, meditate, go for a walk... anything BUT making contact.  She’s got ZERO answers for you.  ZERO comfort for you.

If you haven’t yet begun to journal, then I’d suggest you do that.  It’s a very good way to tell the real truth to yourself, without needing to pay attention to grammar, about how things REALLY were.  Especially during the last month of the relationship.  The fourth month.  Lay it out so you can see she was prepping for the discard.  Painful?  Yes.  Necessary?  Yes.  Write stream of consciousness stuff... get it out.  Thoughts you didn’t know you have will come out.  Some not so nice things will make themselves known to you.  You’ll likely begin to fall “out of love”.

A final thought.  Although she may have said she’d had 4 BF’s (even tho’ irrelevant now), that number is according to HER definition.  She may have “dated” numerous men before you, and some of them may have thought they were her BF’s; but to her they meant zip when she was “done”.  Are you with me?  So please be done minimizing yourself. 

You are so much better than this... and with each passing day, you will FEEL better than this.  Just allow yourself the chance.

Warmly,
Gems
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« Reply #13 on: September 11, 2019, 10:08:07 PM »

Feeling a little better today. I've been concentrating on the fact that she turned on me for nothing, that she insulted me on my birthday saying I might not have enough money to support her in marriage, who says something ignorant like that to their partner? Most importantly I'm focusing on the numerous lies she told me especially the last crazy one in the parking lot when she was putting on a show.

Feeling a lot less anxious at the gym now too. Hope it stays that way. Saw her on Monday with only my peripheral vision as I don't even want to look at her if possible. She saw me on the treadmill and went to the desk and complained about me for more than 5 minutes trying to get me kicked out. The gym didn't even come talk to me so she went home angry and didn't finish her workout. I wish I could have heard that conversation and what nonsense she might have said and what their response was.

I have an extremely good memory, it's how I got through school and my accounting designation without failing. So It still feels like yesterday that she was in my arms. That's one of the things that has made it so hard to heal and forget but I will try my best everyday. Still so absolutely bizarre that she can’t even be in the same building as me at a public gym without thinking I’m going to hurt her. It invalidates how I treated her and her family the entire time we were together. I’m far from perfect but I know I was a really good, kind and loyal boyfriend and she treats me like I’m dangerous now. I've never had anything like this happen to me in my life.
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« Reply #14 on: September 12, 2019, 12:40:11 AM »

Hi SA-

I’m glad you’re feeling better today, a bit less triggered.

As your “accountability” partner (my self-appointed designation), I’ve got to point out a few things for you.

First, we know that relationships end; and when the ending isn’t mutual, we can search forever trying to uncover the “whys” that will satisfy us.  Those answers won’t come because WE were not ready or prepared for the ending.  So no matter how wonderful you were to her, in HER mind, she needed to end things. 

I feel that you’re hurting yourself, and in denial when you tell yourself she “turned on me for nothing”.  To her there was “something”, some “reason”... however invalid that may seem to you, for her to end the relationship.  Most people over the age of 25 have had a relationship of some type end against our wishes... some things are simply beyond our control. 

And part of our emotional maturity is to heal our bruised ego in this and let that be... When it comes to arguing against how someone “feels”, we haven’t got a leg to stand on.  Admit it to yourself, swallow your pride and step away with dignity.

I’ve said a few times... regarding the gym.... that I believe you’re punishing yourself.  And truly delaying or doing a wholesale prevention of detachment from your pain.

By purposely placing yourself in the position to see your exGF, you are putting constant pain reminders, constant replays front and center.  This happens whether you actually see her or not, because the possibility EXISTS each and every time you plan to go there, go there and leave.  Constant Rumination.  You are choosing to hurt yourself.

I recall you saying that the reason for going to this gym is for yoga, yet you were on the treadmill.  You proceeded to watch her at the front desk and know enough about her actions - that she “complained” about you for 5 minutes, she went home angry and didn’t finish her workout. 

So SA, what’s your real motivation here?  Are you trying to upset her?  If in fact you believe she’s BPD or has BPD traits, or if you had ever hoped for a future reconciliation, why are you behaving in this way?  Why are you doing this to yourself?

I too, have an excellent memory.  Too good, in fact.  And people like us absolutely should NOT place constant painful reminders in our own faces to heighten our grief.  That’s self-defeating.  I don’t know about you, but when my past relationships have ended, I have purposely AVOIDED going to places he frequented.  Why trigger me OR him?  That’s pointless...

You’re nine months out now, correct?  The sooner you BEGIN  to step into the detaching process, the sooner you’ll become an attractive partner for a more suitable woman.  You won’t meet her at THIS gym;  but you may meet her at another gym.  But honestly my friend, I don’t believe you’ll begin to heal until YOU remove this painful reminder.  This is completely within your hands.  She’s not stopping you.

Thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #15 on: September 12, 2019, 07:40:40 AM »

To be honest that display helped me heal a little bit more. How do you go complain about someone who is not even near you or looking at you? I was not bothering her in any way, she just wants me out of the building, She is the one who hurt me so what's her problem??

You are right the confrontation we had in the parking lot a few weeks ago hurt me even though I got to finally tell her off in person after all this time. When you attach to someone the last thing you want to do is confront them. She told me she loved me and I was the greatest, amazing, she was so lucky to find me and then a switch went off in her head and I'm a disposable ice cream wrapper who she can text dump and ignore and threaten with cruel accusations about being dangerous. If you ever loved someone you would never be able to hurt them like that. So I am healing by realizing how sick she really is. It helps me to realize I attached to a fantasy, a fictional character she created in the idealization stage to mirror me. This monster who is threatening me, has zero empathy, accountability or compassion is not who I loved.
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« Reply #16 on: September 12, 2019, 12:56:52 PM »

SA-

I’m sorry that most of my words don’t seem to make sense to you.  I feel like you’re so deep in your grief that you don’t want to heal.  And calling her a “monster” and “sick” is not going to heal you... but maybe it will?  Actually anger IS one of the steps to healing, so hopefully you’re on your way.

In reality, during the initial stages of dating / relationships, love bombing takes place... I think even with non-BPD’s.  I’ve been told multiple times over my years how “amazing” I am, “best woman in the world!”...”most beautiful”... do you think I BELIEVED that???  Not in a million!  I said thank you! 

And was I then unceremoniously  “dumped” or ghosted by these same men who briefly  “loved me”, praised my outer beauty and “amazingness”?  Oh heck yea!  But you canNOT hang onto words forever.  They’re “words”, SA. 

I realized soon enough that there was NOTHING behind those words except for emptiness.  Sure, I did my share of crying, when it mattered.

People who once LOVED other people can do horrible things to their former partners.  Horrible things.  I won’t go into what my exH did...but I WISH he had texted me instead of what he did.  You’ve got to realize that.  Have you read what many of our friends here have endured?

I am Six years in now with my uBPDbf.  He still says beautiful things to me and I DO believe him.  He means it because he KNOWS me.  He SHOWS me.  He may also scream HORRIBLE things at me tomorrow, but he still loves me.  I have to choose NOT to believe those names when he calls me those.  I understand his illness, and he apologizes for the “bad” names.

Finally, I’m going to tell you about a man who “text stalks” me.  It raises my blood pressure.  Let’s call him “3”, for a few reasons.  The 3+ months I sort of dated him in 2013 and the 3 hours we’d have unending sexual intercourse.  He lives almost an hour north of me.  I met him online.  Attractive, my age, we laughed a LOT in conversation and the sex was weird, but ok.  By weird, I don’t mean kinky.  I saw him maybe 10 times over those 3+ months.  He’d ask me out a lot, I just wasn’t that interested in marathon sex with no food.  He never ONCE took me for a meal...

We stopped seeing one another when he blew up at me for changing position during sex.  My leg was either going numb or getting a cramp.  That’s the truth.  He snapped that I was “ruining everything”!  It was bizarre.  I had rented a motel at the beach for a Labor Day weekend, he’d come to stay (of course no offer to share the cost with me).  He blew up, then said he was LEAVING, and I let him.  Buhbye!  We did not consider one another boyfriend/ girlfriend.

A few weeks later, I met uBPDbf.  Then “3” called and texted to apologize.  I said let’s allow bygones to be bygones, no worries, and I’d met someone else.  3 took it well.  He was “best friends” with every woman he’d ever dated and had told me all about that.  I was clear that I wasn’t interested in that sort of thing. Ours had been a sexual relationship.  Nothing more.

Since 2013, “3” has sent me texts for every holiday, local, federal, religious, you name it.  He periodically calls me.  Wishes me happy birthday... invites me to come snorkel, invites me to the estate, NOW he wants to feed me.  Wants to “drop by” my house, wants me to bring my dog up for the day.  Sends me photos, sends me emails, wants to help me with hurricane prep? (Yep!) .  I have spoken to him maybe THREE times in 6 years since I last saw him.  He KNOWS I have a BF.   

I have respectfully ASKED him to stop; asked him WHY he is continuing to contact me.  He ignored that and MAILED me a Valentines Day card this past February and wrote a long note.  I ignored it like 99.9% of the other contact. My uBPDbf doesn’t know about this contact.  If he wanted, he could look at my phone and clearly see it’s all one sided contact.  “3” sending and me not responding.

I have only blocked one person in my life.  This creeps me out.  It truly does...

I am hoping it’s done now.  I think it is... we JUST had another hurricane scare and he didn’t offer to put up shutters or check to see if I was ok.  AND...he didn’t text me on Labor Day.  So I may be rid of “3”.  That would be very nice!

It is no fun, and it’s not flattering when a relationship ends and a person’s requests for contact to stop are not respected and honored.  “3”’s non-stop contact over the last six years has made me uncomfortable.  Every time he texts me saying he’ll be in my town and wants to come by, I actually become a little scared.  The last time (in mid-August), I was glad I was out of town with family.  My family thinks I need to tell “3” that I’m married.  The next time he makes contact, I will.

What you’re doing may actually be scaring her.  Sometimes it’s a good idea, no matter how she may have hurt you, to actually put yourself in someone else’s shoes.

Gems

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« Reply #17 on: September 12, 2019, 01:22:34 PM »

Thank you for sharing. I can see your point that maybe she is scared, but again the last time we ever saw each other we were celebrating Christmas together first at her family's home and then mine so the idea I am scary because I sent a bunch of texts asking her what happened, my mom was supposed to use you funeral home like all my other family members so why do we need to be on bad terms, etc. is pretty extreme. We never even had an argument or I raised my voice to her. If she thinks I'm dangerous I really feel sorry for the karma she has coming to her with someone who will actually become violent when she starts devaluing and discarding them.

Since July I have not texted her, and I will not go near her if at the gym. I'm there 5 days a week now and am doing all my exercise there. I like it there and I actually think now it is helping me heal to not be afraid of possibly seeing her which is very rare anyways, I have seen her there 5 times in 9 months. That's not stalking. Somebody sending me a text and saying the next time I see you in my gym I'm calling the police on you and walking up to my car window and filming me when I was not even looking at her appears to be playing narcissist control games more than being scared.

Anyways I have written this message below to get it out of my system and will continue no contact and send it here to get it out instead of texting to her.

If you went back to our texts and read them from the beginning then you could stop thinking I'm lying and see all the incredibly intense compliments you gave me and how happy you were with me for several months.It's terrifying how different your personality is now. From September to November you were the best woman I've ever been with. I truly loved you. Then in December you became miserable with everything. You didn't just turn on me and verbally and mentally abuse me for a month. You turned on football, food, going to restaurants, and letting me cook for you. Even my mom thought you were bi-polar after you changed so much between the two times she met you. You used to compliment me about all the things we have in common and now months after you abandoned me with no reason you say it was because you were bored and we had nothing in common. The exact opposite of the things you complimented me for in the beginning. Do you not see how that makes no sense at all? And why did you not talk to me about being unhappy BEFORE you left. That's what healthy people do. How can you tell me that you love me on more than one occasion, and talk to me about your 2 day pregnancy scare and then treat me like a worthless piece of garbage? You said I was only your 4th boyfriend and you just give up on our relationship that easily? That does not make sense. You blindsided me 30 minutes before we were supposed to go shopping in Buffalo which was your plan just 12 hours earlier so you were not breaking up with me just the day before. Something snapped in your head and then you leave me with a text and refuse to speak to me in person. What possible reason could you have had to not see me in person and talk when I treated you like my queen for 4 months and talked to you every single day except for one during that time. You needed to cut me off cold turkey, betray my trust and love and vanish? Why??? There is no rational explanation for that.

Then I texted you a lot for closure, explanation, let me have one chance to improve whatever you left me for. Why didn't you answer any of them? I spent Christmas with your family and bonded even more with you. How could I have possibly expected that you would never talk to me again just 4 days later. Some people date for years before spending Christmas with their family. That was a big deal to me and it should have been to you to, so what the hell happened? I asked you a week after you left to please be on friendly terms with me. My whole family has used your funeral home and that was supposed to be where my mom goes. You ignored my request. That's disgusting. I told you I have another relative dying of cancer and I want us to be on good terms because life is too short and you attack me calling me a liar, gaslighter, fabricator, threat, verbally abusive. Were you even reading those texts I sent you. I was hurt, sad, missed you, and horribly confused. I am not and never will be a liar or threat to you or anyone else. I guess you did not hurt me enough with your text dump so now you need to start a smear campaign against my reputation so you can play the victim. I would say you are doing this to avoid your shame about how you treated me, but you have demonstrated you have absolutely no empathy, accountability, or compassion so I have to assume you are getting some kind of thrill out of this. Well I hope you enjoyed it. I would have spent my entire life treating you with love and now I just feel sorry for the empty, heartless shell that you are masquerading as a human being.

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« Reply #18 on: September 12, 2019, 01:55:53 PM »

Excerpt
So I am healing by realizing how sick she really is.
...
This monster

this is painting someone black. trying to heal by painting someone black is dysfunctional coping.

it is what a person does when the pain of rejection is too much. its sort of like "you cant reject me, i reject you".

i did my share of it when i was recovering. it might feel good in the moment. it wont ultimately help you heal.

getting in touch with your feelings, and working through them with the help of perspective rather than trying to get rid of them or replace them will help you let go and heal.
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« Reply #19 on: September 13, 2019, 07:56:22 AM »

Perspective is where I came up with the sick comment. I am still having serious sleeping issues about this as I wake up almost everyday around 5:30 in the morning and end up ruminating about why it is ok this happened. I caught her lying 6 times that I know of and who knows how many I don't know of. Calling me a liar and a sick individual, verbally abusive, gas lighter, threatening me with police before I had even seen her at the gym, wanting to hire a hitman to kill her cousin, freaking out because she got honked at, are all huge signs that she is sick.
Bottom line though is I just want my brain to go back to the way it was before I met her and it is not easy.
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« Reply #20 on: September 13, 2019, 11:00:09 AM »

Perspective is where I came up with the sick comment.

by perspective i mean the outlook members here are trying to give you. you mostly reject it and prefer to gravitate toward words that validate you.

that will keep you stuck, Sa.

by perspective i mean you asked your ex for explanations and she gave them. you reject them too.

now youre trying to cope by telling yourself that shes a sick monster. except that youre still attending the gym, and youd take her back in a heartbeat.

there is a way through this, Sa. are you ready to face the emotionally challenging stuff? are you ready to work through the pain?
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« Reply #21 on: September 20, 2019, 01:40:32 PM »

Been having a pretty good week, but yesterday was the second week of my bowling league which just started again and for some reason that is a large trigger for me, which is bizarre since I never went bowling with my ex. It was another thing on a long list I asked her if she wanted to do and she said she didn't like it. I joined last April when I was in really bad shape and my guess is the trigger is because I actually did join the league to get over my grief and going back now is causing some ruminations. I revised an earlier text I would send to her if I could but instead wish to share here as advised by others.

I realize that you are unable to regulate your emotions or maintain object constancy because of your illness, but it is still terrifying how you are able to treat me with such cruelty and false accusations. Do you even remember the times you said you loved me and how you felt when you thought you were pregnant in Israel?
If you went back to our texts and read them from the beginning then you could stop thinking I'm lying and see all the incredibly intense compliments you gave me and how happy we made each other from September to November. You were the most charming, amazing woman I've ever been with. Something happened to you in December as you didn't just start abusing me, you were angry and unhappy with everything, you stopped talking about football and food, going to restaurants, and letting me cook for you. Even my mom thought you were bi-polar after you changed so much between the two times she met you. You used to compliment me about all the things we have in common and then months after you abandoned me you say it was because you were bored and we had nothing in common. The exact opposite of the things you complimented me for in the beginning. Do you not see how that makes no sense at all? And why did you not talk to me about being unhappy BEFORE you left. That's what healthy people do. You said I was only your 4th boyfriend and you just give up on our relationship that easily? That does not make sense. You blindsided me 30 minutes before we were supposed to go shopping in Buffalo which was your plan just 12 hours earlier so you were not breaking up with me just one day before. Something snapped in your head and then you leave me with a text and refuse to speak to me in person. What possible reason could you have had to not see me in person and talk when I treated you like my queen for 4 months and talked to you every single day except for one during that time. People do not cut off the person they said they loved cold turkey with no explanation unless there was a serious problem. Your actions towards me would make sense if I had hit you, yelled at you or cheated on you, but I did nothing wrong. I tried my best to make you happy each and every day. You are not 100% of the relationship, you are 50% but you just don't care about anyone other than yourself and have no empathy or compassion. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with you and you wouldn't even look me in the eye to say goodbye and tell me why.

I spent Christmas with your family and bonded even more with you. How could I have possibly expected that you would never talk to me again just 4 days later. Some people date for years before spending Christmas with their family. That was a big deal to me and it should have been to you too. I asked you a week after you left to please be on friendly terms with me. My whole family has used your funeral home and that was supposed to be where my mom goes. You ignored me. That's disgusting. I told you I have another relative dying of cancer and I want us to be on good terms because life is too short and you attack me calling me a liar, gaslighter, fabricator, threat, verbally abusive. Were you even reading those texts I sent you? I was hurt, sad, missed you, and horribly confused. I am not and never will be a liar or threat to you or anyone else. For some reason you needed to start a smear campaign so you can play the victim. I put up with your hot and cold abuse, ignored your unnecessary rages, your criticisms and contradictions for an entire month because I just wanted to make things work between us. That's my only regret in my actions, that I didn't speak up earlier in person and ask you what in the world happened to the woman I loved so dearly. Instead I stayed quiet until I couldn't take it anymore and sent you that text. Then you were gone the next day. I tried to say hello to you in the gym months later and you turned into a lunatic. Being in the same gym as you is not stalking you. What the hell is wrong with you? I didn't know that you are incapable of healthy closure and you need to burn bridges in order to soothe your shame. I have stayed away from you but that's still not good enough, you need to make up lies just because I'm in the same building?? I have to assume you are getting some kind of thrill out of this. Well I hope you enjoyed it. I would have been loyal to you my entire life and now I just feel sorry for the empty, heartless shell that you are masquerading as a human being.

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