Introducing myself

[just_breathe]

Hello,

I am new to this site and this is my first post. To be honest I'm a little nervous about joining an online support group and even feel a little guilty about it. But I've been struggling the last little while because I feel alone and like no one understands and I just need to talk to someone who is dealing with issues similar to mine.
I'll start with some background info. I have been dating my BP for almost 2 years now. I entered into the relationship knowing about the BPD, although I'll be honest and say I wasn't entirely prepared for what it really meant to love someone with BPD. Things started of great. We seemed to share most of the same interests and really enjoyed spending time together. He seemed to idolize me and his constant desire to have me with him was flattering. Early on he started to question whether I would stay with him once I figured out "who he really is". I made the promise that I would stick by his side no matter what. And I still intend to keep that promise because most of the time I feel like he's the only person in this world that's right for me.
About 3 months into the relationship he experienced the death of a close friend which set him into a downward spiral (understandably). Up until this point the only BP behaviour I had experienced was his feelings of insecurity and wanting reassurance that I would stay with him. But after this tragedy I began to see the real extent of how BPD can affect someone. He started drinking a lot and going out, insisting that I stayed home. I later found out that he was going to the restaurant where his ex girlfriend worked to talk to her. It started happening more often until one night he came home (I was staying over most nights at this point) and told me I had to leave because he didn't love me anymore. He said he realized he was still in love with his ex, that she was perfect and only she could help him. I did leave although I wasn't comfortable with it because I knew he was in a bad place. And the funny thing is, I talked to his ex and she told me it had never been serious, that as far as she was concerned they had never actually been dating, just spent some time together. The next day he called me asking me to meet him at the hospital because he was getting help. He had no memory of what he said to me the night before. He spent a week in the hospital and I visited every day. When he came home things slowly got better, but never returned to the way they were before the tragedy happened.
Since then I have found an exchange of naked pictures on his phone which he also claimed to have no memory of. He has gotten drunk and told various people that he has broken up with me because he likes someone else. I've noticed a dating app installed on his phone, although he says it was someone else that installed it (but it's been there for weeks). And he constantly shuts me out only to talk to other girls on various social media sites and apps.
All of this combined with the previous incident has made it really difficult for me to trust him. I often find myself wondering why I'm not good enough even though I try so hard to support him. I get very anxious over the thought that he is going to leave me for someone else, someone that he thinks is perfect the way he used to see me. It feels like I'm constantly waiting for the words "I don't want to be with you any more" and it's really wearing me down. I feel like I've become a different person. I don't like when he goes out because in my mind he's meeting another woman. I don't like when he's on his phone because in my mind he's building a relationship with someone else. Someone that's better than I am. I honestly feel like I'm not good enough and like maybe he should find someone else. I tell myself he deserves someone who doesn't take his behaviour personally and get upset. Whenever he gets upset I tell myself that I should be able to make him feel better and if I can't I'm a bad GF. And if he does something silly I tell myself that if I was a good GF I would have been able to stop it from happening. Basically I take the blame any time he's feeling down and if he's up I assume it's because of one of his other friends and something they did to magically help him in a way that I can't. I find I'm always comparing myself to my imagined image of the other girls he talks to.
I guess the main issue I'm looking for advice on right now is my loss of self-esteem and how to rebuild the trust that has been damaged. I do want to stay in the relationship. Yes it's exhausting at times but it's also great at other times. He still makes me feel special and we still enjoy spending time together. I just need to figure out how to feel better about myself and stop taking responsibility for all of his emotions and actions.

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this. I know it's long but since it's my first post I wanted to give a bit of background information.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ColdKnight]

Hi there,

Wanted to reach out and let you know you are not alone. Most everyone here has been or is where you are now. Feel free to be nervous but don’t feel guilty. This is the first step to self recovery. Talk, read, learn and share. Tell as many people as you can your story. Some will get tired of hearing it but that’s ok. Someday they may need to tell their story.

Read as many posts here as you can. That will really help. It was huge for me. I really made me realize I am not alone.

That is the first step: realizing you are not alone.

One day at a time, stronger each day...

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear just_breathe -
(so sorry for the length of this...it’s so late and when I’m tired, I cannot be concise.  Plus, I had a lot to say to you)

 I’d like to welcome you to our community.  I’m sorry for the pain and confusion that brings you here, but I’m very glad you’ve found us.  You have no reason whatsoever to feel “guilty” for reaching out for help and understanding.  And yes, it CAN be difficult for some people who’ve not been in these types of relationships to understand why we stay in them.

We are an anonymous community, and you deserve to feel better about yourself.  Why would seeking help for yourself  make you feel guilty?  This is a genuine question.

This site is filled with a wealth of resources and tools to assist you with better understanding the evolution of your BPD relationship, establishing boundaries, reducing conflict and better communicate with your partner.   As time permits, I encourage you to explore the site and do some reading.  Please use care to keep this site and your posts / responses private from your BPDbf (BPD boyfriend).

What I see now however, is more about you.  You’ve got to have a tiny bit of the compassion toward YOUSELF that you have toward your BPDbf, BEFORE you can move toward improving your relationship.  Right now it appears you have minimal trust in him; And it also seems you’ve lost trust in yourself.  Let’s talk about that.  Now just breathe...

I want to tell you... I DO understand this first hand.  I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for 19 years, except I didn’t know that.  I could NOT admit that until just recently.  And that was a hard thing to own up to.  My exH’s abuse was pretty subtle a lot of the time... until the night he became violent.  He was a bad and dishonest man.  After that experience,  I lost all trust in myself... for several years.  Because I missed the signs.   And I was filled with self-loathing.  The icing on the cake was that I developed generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder because I did not seek the help I needed.  Just beautiful.  But those are gone now.  We CAN HEAL.

And I didn’t understand that I was truly codependent.  I carried those codependent behaviors and traits into my relationship with my current uBPDbf (undiagnosed BPDbf).  But then I did the work and my recovery, which continues and our relationship has improved 1000%.  What this means j-b is that MY feelings are NOT governed by uBPDbf’s actions or feelings.  I have my OWN feelings.  Can you see how this could fit your circumstances?

Just breathe... I’m being rather presumptuous, but Based on how you describe your feelings, it sounds as if you may have some codependent traits as well.  Have you considered this?  When I first read the long list of coD traits, I was almost repulsed.  But then I watched a you tube video by Julia Kristina, on Codependency, (about 12 mins, 38 secs) and her approach was way more gentle and humane.  I didn’t hate myself or engage in self-loathing quite as much.

You’ve GOT to learn to love yourself.  But you can begin with self-acceptance.  I’m sorry if I’m hitting some nerves here.  I can feel it.  It is NOT my intention to hurt you, but I feel this kinship of sorts from things my exH Put me through.

MANY of us have found that as we look at our relationships with our BPD partners, we are actually FORCED to take a good, hard look at ourselves.  I was, and am still doing that.  I am 61 y/o and have JUST in the last year and a half really figured out some traumatic things from my childhood... and things from my FOO (family of origin).  The clarity has been healing and I can forgive without needing apologies.

J-b-  I do NOT believe that adult love is unconditional.  When these relationships first begin, there can be a period where you are convinced that you share the same interests and “values”.  And then the “mask” falls off and the real person begins to show.  Just like all relationships, except the beginning of these relationships is more intense.  If you find that you really do NOT share the same values, you do NOT have to stay.

J-b.  I suggest you read about FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).  This appears to be driving a lot of your relationship right now.  It’s a very important topic in BPD relationships and is basically considered emotional blackmail.  We are made to feel so needed, that somehow we can “save” or “fix” our lovers... we cannot “fix” them.  And we canNOT love them to wellness.  Tell me, when your BPDbf was in the hospital, what took place?  What type of treatment did he receive?  What type of ongoing therapy does he have?

I hope you have friends, family, co-workers, a therapist (T) or some type of support system you can count on.  It is very important that you not allow yourself to become isolated.  It IS pretty common for pwBPD to attempt to isolate their partners.  If the isolation has already taken place, then perhaps take some steps to renew your friendships.

Okay... I’ve said way too much for a first response.

Please tell a bit more about your daily life. Are you working?  Do you live with him, have your own place, support yourself?  Have family nearby?   Let’s take it from there.

But here.  YOU did NOT cause his emptiness.  Whatever he’s seeking in terms of “approval” or attention from other women has absolutely NOTHING to do with you.  Perhaps he has NPD traits as well?  My exH was a bottomless empty pit of a man seeking whatever validation and attention he could from women outside our marriage.  It was pathetic behavior for a grown man to exhibit.  This much I do know, believe me.  And I knew it then, just not how far it went.  I have a different take on this wretched behavior because I am a sexual assault/abuse survivor so sex does NOT define me.  My exH should have known better than to behave as he did.  My BPDbf would NEVER be unfaithful to me.  That is a value we share. 

And this is YOUR choice, YOUR boundary.

Please keep posting.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes