He Just Left

[Gotham Sparrow]

Hi, I'm new here and need help. My boyfriend of over a year and a half just left me. It was very abrupt, very sudden. I said one wrong thing - "Why didn't you do the laundry?" - and he melted down. I mean, he got furious at me so fast, couldn't stop yelling and shaking, then packed his bags and walked out. (He lives in the opposite coast from me and I was visiting.) This was on the first night of my visit there, I stayed in a hotel and he initially said he only needed a day to cool off, but then he shut down completely. I came back home to no responses to calls or texts, so I left it alone for a few days. Finally I broke down and wrote him when he seemed to block me on social media for reasons I still don't know, and he wrote me that he needs to be alone and can't be "worried and stressed" in a relationship right now. He refuses to speak with me and it's apparently over, he wrote that there is no more relationship with me. This is a complete 180 degree turnaround from the previous day. I'm shell shocked, numb from the pain. I don't get it, how could he completely turn his back on me when he always said he never would, that he loved me and wanted me, that I could and should trust him? I'm heartbroken beyond belief. Of course, there's more, but that's the gist that has me reeling and crying inconsolably at times. I'm blaming myself when I know I shouldn't, but I can't help but think how if I came in a good mood that evening then none of this would've happened. I just want him back yet I know the reality., and it sucks. Thanks.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  I am so sorry for what brings you here.  These sort of break-ups can lave you devastated and reeling.

Is this the first time he has broken things off with you?  Since it is a long distance relationship, was this the first meeting between the two of you?  I am just trying to get a better feel for your situation.  Sometimes anxiety and stress can really trigger people especially those with BPD or BPD traits. 

As you read and post more here you will see that you are not alone and are in a very good place to get support from people who understand.  many of our members have experienced similar.

Please share more as you can.  We can listen and as we get to know you better we will be better able to guide you to resources.

again,

[Gotham Sparrow]

Hi, and thank you for your reply.

Yes, this has been a long distance relationship, but it is far from the first time we have met. We were friends first, for years while he was living here near me, and have both been married and divorced. We became close slowly, spoke often, and then we finally admitted our feelings to each other.  Over the past year and a half I've flown out to the West Coast many times, and he has come to visit with me here on the East Coast. We've always had a good time together - disagreements have happened, and he's raised his voice to me before, but this is the first time he's ever walked out and it was the worst meltdown of his I've ever experienced.

He has a substantial trauma history, including childhood and as a veteran, and has been known for his "anger issues" which resulted in legal trouble for him before we got together, but in recent months the stress has gotten to be too much. He says he can't be in a relationship anymore and just wants to be left alone. He tried therapy through the VA system but it was a joke (half hour every other week?), and then he went to someone else twice who he felt insulted him and just sat there, unsupportive. He knows he should go back but is now reluctant to do so.

My friends who know him say they're sad for me but not surprised because they've seen the signs, like him getting more irritated more easily in recent months. I spoke with his closest friend yesterday who said to just give it time, but it feels like time isn't going to fix this. It was sudden, furious, and over something trivial, yet amazingly final. He won't speak to me at all, responded minimally and coldly to texts before insisting I stop contacting him, and unilaterally ended everything.

All at once, it's done. He said he loved me, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and we were making plans, then I said something wrong ("Why didn't you do your laundry?") and he exploded and left forever. It's as if the rug has been pulled out from under me, I'm floating in a painful sea of hurt and agony, and it all sounds like exaggerated nonsense but it's happening. My therapist is supportive but also not surprised, and it feels like everyone is expecting me to just move on and be happy that it ended now instead of "wasting more time" with someone who "doesn't deserve me."

Meanwhile, I'm walking around feeling so deeply sad, confused, angry, desperate, and bereft. I'm glad to have found this forum.

Thanks so much.

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