BPD Child Turns 18 this month

[TXMich]

I read every day to remind myself that are probably just at the beginning of our journey as our daughter turns 18 this month.  She is headed into her third  residential treatment in 2 weeks.  We are in transition as she is home with us.  How do I keep my sanity and continue to love this child that appears to love me one minute and despise me the next.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[nonbordermom11]

TxMich...I'm new here and learning...can you explain residential therapy? How does someone get in one, how long do they stay, is it helpful, how much does it cost? Turning 18? I hope everything works out for the next stay.

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello TXMich
Welcome to the group. I am sorry to hear about your daughter. You are probably right that this is just the beginning. The good news is she has a supportive person in her life namely you! I know what you mean about being loved one minute and despised the next. That is very typical behavior for someone with BPD
 It is called splitting. They are not able to see people as having an independent existence outside their immediate experience. Psychologists call it lack of object constancy. If they feel good when you are around you must be all good. If they feel bad when you are around you must be all bad. It is hard for the nonBPD in a relationship to cope with but there are communication skills that help. Perhaps a good place to start would be validation. Here is a great article that explains what that means. Don't Be Invalidating You don't need to agree with your daughter's ever changing perceptions of you in order to affirm the intense feelings that are behind those perceptions. I have found the practice of validation helps my relationship with my BPD son. Maybe it will help you with your relationship with your daughter too.
Hugs
Faith

[livednlearned]

How do I keep my sanity and continue to love this child that appears to love me one minute and despise me the next.

That's unfortunately part of the disorder. She does not experience herself as a whole person so she cannot experience you that way, either.

Her emotions trigger over something and she is only able to see if you are providing what she needs or not providing it, regardless of what you are actually doing because the source of her pain is made worse by the way she makes sense of it. Attributing it to you instead of recognizing it comes from within.

Have you seen this video?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=117774.msg1159528#msg1159528