my romantic partner got physically and verbally abusive with me

[Depression = 72% of members]

The other night, my romantic partner got physically and verbally abusive with me, pushing and pinning me into the bed, threatening to break my hand, and not letting me leave the room when I tried multiple times. I was especially horrified since I had had surgery earlier that morning, a surgery she walked me to and took me home from. I am in a same-sex relationship and she is taller and stronger than me, and it doesn’t happen often but it’s the third time this year that she’s gotten physically violent.

She had been moody all afternoon because I had hidden something from her that I knew she would be upset at (my deciding to join a sports team), and she blew up that evening because after the initial admission, I still hadn’t addressed her upset. But it escalated so badly, with her shouting and throwing things and hurting me. It was so loud, I thought someone was going to call the police.

This was a few days ago and she has been so apologetic since (I apologized as well for not telling her about the sports team), telling me how she shouldn’t have done that, saying how much she loves me and how amazing and pretty I am. She keeps asking me whether I love her as much now as I did before this fight, and whether I will love her as much in the future. I do love her very much- I was deeply in love with her when our relationship started four years ago, but I’ve felt my romantic love fading this past year as these episodes have gotten scarier and more brutal. I really don’t want to hurt her (though I sense the irony) but I don’t know how to respond to her questions of “do you still love me the same way?” when the answer is “yes but no”. I’m afraid she will get so upset that she will either lash out and try to destroy bits of my life, and/or turn internally and hurt herself. And I am also not sure how I feel except that I want things like this to never happen again.

[elle70]

The other night, my romantic partner got physically and verbally abusive with me, pushing and pinning me into the bed, threatening to break my hand, and not letting me leave the room when I tried multiple times. I was especially horrified since I had had surgery earlier that morning, a surgery she walked me to and took me home from. I am in a same-sex relationship and she is taller and stronger than me, and it doesn’t happen often but it’s the third time this year that she’s gotten physically violent.

She had been moody all afternoon because I had hidden something from her that I knew she would be upset at (my deciding to join a sports team), and she blew up that evening because after the initial admission, I still hadn’t addressed her upset. But it escalated so badly, with her shouting and throwing things and hurting me. It was so loud, I thought someone was going to call the police.

This was a few days ago and she has been so apologetic since (I apologized as well for not telling her about the sports team), telling me how she shouldn’t have done that, saying how much she loves me and how amazing and pretty I am. She keeps asking me whether I love her as much now as I did before this fight, and whether I will love her as much in the future. I do love her very much- I was deeply in love with her when our relationship started four years ago, but I’ve felt my romantic love fading this past year as these episodes have gotten scarier and more brutal. I really don’t want to hurt her (though I sense the irony) but I don’t know how to respond to her questions of “do you still love me the same way?” when the answer is “yes but no”. I’m afraid she will get so upset that she will either lash out and try to destroy bits of my life, and/or turn internally and hurt herself. And I am also not sure how I feel except that I want things like this to never happen again.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

We are sorry to hear about the difficult situation you're in, but are glad you've found us.  Reaching out for help can be very difficult.  You've taken an important step.  I'm concerned for you.  You should not ever have to feel threatened or controlled in your relationship.  You said that the episodes have gotten scarier and more brutal.  Can you tell us about that?

RC

[Harri]

Hi elle.  Welcome to the board.  As Radcliff said, it is good that you are reaching out for help and support.  What you describe here is domestic violence.

I want to link you to our safety plan here: 

SAFETY FIRST
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SAFTY PLAN Please read through it and fill it out as it can help you think things through and it is important that you have a plan.  If you need help filling it out, we can help with that as well.

Can you tell us more about what sort of support system you have, other than here that is?