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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
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Setting Boundaries
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Author Topic: Acknowledging BPD's pain & encouraging their self responsibility  (Read 211 times)
Normlee
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« on: September 08, 2019, 05:59:49 PM »

Last night I listened to my DS38 say he wanted to give up, that he'll never get in a good place in his life. That he's been in tremendous pain his entire life and he's tired. This divorce has pulled the rug out from under him. It's true he doesn't have much at this point. His wife was the main supporter. He has done some serious therapy and I can see good results. I do validate his pain and this difficult time in his life - yet I want to encourage him to become more independent. Where he's at financially, relationally are all results of impulsive choices and lack of regulation of his emotions. Sometimes I find myself thinking poor guy, he's only able to limp along and depend on others. At other times I think no! He can be more responsible, he can seek the help he needs to get through this hard time. Does anyone else struggle this way? Have you gotten clarity?
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Normlee
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #1 on: September 09, 2019, 12:04:53 AM »

You are on my page Normlee
My son also frequently says he wants to give up and not even try to help himself. I also think he is capable of living a worthwhile life if he chooses provided his father and I don't give in and enable him. At this point I am working on doing what they talk about in AlAnon, detaching with love. What is your strategy?
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livednlearned
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« Reply #2 on: September 09, 2019, 09:26:37 AM »

It's encouraging that you see positive results in him from therapy. Is he doing DBT?

I want to encourage him to become more independent.

Does he have a job right now?
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It's a gift to exist, and with existence comes suffering. -- Stephen Colbert
Normlee
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« Reply #3 on: September 09, 2019, 02:57:36 PM »

Faith, I'm also practicing detaching with love. I've attended Alanon for many years in the past.  I think my starting point is believing my son 'can' be self supporting and live on his how if he chooses to. We are not charging rent, we are providing a place to live to pay off debt and save money. He mentioned it made him feel bad to be taken care of by us.  I asked him to contribute by helping us with some things that are needing to be done. He agreed. Let's see if he follows through. Another I'm doing is letting him pay me if I make a purchase for him that he requests when I'm shopping. He asked me to show him how to manage his bank account- he's overdrawn it so many times. In the past I even covered charges.
LnL, He does have an income. It's Workers Comp - he was injured at work and shouldn't go back to it. The thing is this is temporary and then what?? He's tried selling Real Estate in the past as a side job to his electrician job. He's sold one condo in several years time. His BP brain says he'll go back to electrical. But he's been advised not to.  Another BP thought he had last night is he wants to move out so he can be taken seriously and date. Who wants to date someone living with their Mom... 
One day he wants to give up the next day he's ready to move out and get a girlfriend. He's been separated 2 weeks. I feel like I'm getting whiplash. I brought up the reality of his financial situation- that he wouldn't be able to sustain steady rent payments right now. Oh and he wants to pay his debt down right away so he can buy a place. Sometimes I feel like he is 12 and not 38.
Anyway- he said he'd give himself several months and reevaluate his situation. A part of me is freaking out on the inside at his impulsiveness and immaturity.
Thanks, Normlee
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Normlee
FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #4 on: September 09, 2019, 11:56:44 PM »

Excerpt
I think my starting point is believing my  help:son 'can' be self supporting and live on his how if he chooses to. We are not charging re :help:nt, we are providing a place to live to pay off debt and save money. He mentioned it made him feel bad to be taken care of by us.  I asked him to contribute by helping us with some things that are needing to be done. He agreed. Let's see if he follows through.
Those sound like good first steps toward financial responsibility and independence. Well done.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #5 on: September 10, 2019, 07:40:20 AM »

my starting point is believing my son 'can' be self supporting and live on his how if he chooses to.

It's a big step to be able to say this to yourself, Normlee.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

A lot of things flow from this once we tell ourselves what's possible.

He mentioned it made him feel bad to be taken care of by us.

I can only imagine. Do you see him taking any steps to improve his self-respect?

I asked him to contribute by helping us with some things that are needing to be done. He agreed. Let's see if he follows through.

With my son, if he brings up a topic when he's in a talkative mood, I suggest things like, "Hey, let's talk about this while you do xyz. I'll give you a hand to get started."

Then I duck out and let him know I'll be back once I do this and that.

With people who are impulsive I figure a gentle nudge is necessary.

His BP brain says he'll go back to electrical. But he's been advised not to.

Would he consider teaching?
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It's a gift to exist, and with existence comes suffering. -- Stephen Colbert
Normlee
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« Reply #6 on: September 10, 2019, 01:19:59 PM »

I forgot to mention my son has done dbt, maybe still does. He is doing emdr and really feels it helps him. He's listened to motivational podcasts for years.
As far as actions of self respect- yes he is taking steps. Paying down a debt, contolling his spending which was out of control. He takes responsibility for his time with his kids and doesn't off load his responsibility as he used to. He makes his own medical appointments and shows up. He doesn't want me paying for things he may want to eat or need picked up. He eats dinner with us but covers his own snacks, drinks...
There has been a lot of changes in the ladt 3 yrs since he last lived with us.
There's a part of me that feels it may all go back to square one if he hits a huge obstacle.
As far as teaching- he has no college education.
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Normlee
Normlee
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Each day is a gift -


« Reply #7 on: September 10, 2019, 03:02:00 PM »

All these actions are pretty new. Some developing off and on over time.
I that you asked me this question about his actions because it helps me to have some balance and focus on what is good rather than all the negative. Thank you - hugs!
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Normlee
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« Reply #8 on: September 11, 2019, 11:50:35 AM »

As far as teaching- he has no college education.

I wondered if being an electrician would give him the credentials to teach in a community college?
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It's a gift to exist, and with existence comes suffering. -- Stephen Colbert
Normlee
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Each day is a gift -


« Reply #9 on: September 11, 2019, 12:52:10 PM »

Hmmmm, something to talk with him about and look into. Thanks
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Normlee
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