I guess this was the last chance I had and it’s over now - Part 2

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Mod Note:  Part 1 of this thread is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339177.0

When you sent her the closure text, was that since having her in class this most recent time?

No that text was back in May. Two weeks prior she had a presentation with a mutual friend and I asked a question about their presentation and she looked happy to see me and was talking to me about the project but briefly. I talked to her partner then she jumped in our convo. Then she starts popping up more around my classes the next week. Then a week after that I saw her and tried talking but she was busy and I tried having a convo but she was super cold again. I definitely think timing was bad but I never see her alone to speak to her. I didn’t see her all semester long until the last 3 weeks. So her pushing me away and being completely cold again made me so hurt. Her not being able to look me in the eyes made me feel worthless that she’ didn’t worthy eye contact with me. (Or maybe it was too hard to face me?)



My friend saw her all semester and each time my ex would try to get her attention. She even looked her up on social media after I posted a pic with her.

Anyway, yes this was back in May. And I didn’t know she unblocked me. Then I felt so bad. I hold so much blame and hate myself for ever lashing out or being cruel/mean to people. Especially how much I love her I thought I hurt her so much. I told her how I loved her and was willing To love her with her bpd... I let it all out... I was a jerk. But somehow she unblocked me a little while  after this until recently.

Thank you for listening.

[CryWolf]

Mod Note:  Part 1 of this thread is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339177.0

When you sent her the closure text, was that since having her in class this most recent time?

No that text was back in May. Two weeks prior she had a presentation with a mutual friend and I asked a question about their presentation and she looked happy to see me and was talking to me about the project but briefly. I talked to her partner then she jumped in our convo. Then she starts popping up more around my classes the next week. Then a week after that I saw her and tried talking but she was busy and I tried having a convo but she was super cold again. I definitely think timing was bad but I never see her alone to speak to her. I didn’t see her all semester long until the last 3 weeks. So her pushing me away and being completely cold again made me so hurt. Her not being able to look me in the eyes made me feel worthless that she’ didn’t worthy eye contact with me. (Or maybe it was too hard to face me?)



My friend saw her all semester and each time my ex would try to get her attention. She even looked her up on social media after I posted a pic with her.

Anyway, yes this was back in May. And I didn’t know she unblocked me. Then I felt so bad. I hold so much blame and hate myself for ever lashing out or being cruel/mean to people. Especially how much I love her I thought I hurt her so much. I told her how I loved her and was willing To love her with her bpd... I let it all out... I was a jerk. But somehow she unblocked me a little while  after this until recently.

Thank you for listening.

[ColdKnight]

How are things going of late?

Are you doing any better with her in class with you?

[CryWolf]

How are things going of late?

Are you doing any better with her in class with you?

I haven’t seen her since Wednesday and her looki annoyed at me made me crumble. Haven’t seen her since but all I can do is be indifferent

[CryWolf]

Today the class broke off into groups, and me and my partner had to break into another group and the only group open was with my ex. We are working on problems, and I asked her a question on something and she answered with her voice raised and in a rhetorical way. I didn’t show it bothering me.

 I was indifferent towards her. I will see her again shortly for class again

[ColdKnight]

How were you feeling when you realized you were going to be in the same group with her?

[CryWolf]

How were you feeling when you realized you were going to be in the same group with her?

It was splur of the moment, and I went there because we needed even groups. I was iffy on it because I didn’t want her to think I’m forcing it.

Anyway, after class we had lab and I opened the door and she was right behind me. I let her go and seemed she wanted to say thank you but didn’t. And when class started, iI was on top of my work and teacher kept praising me and then professor played music and this one sad song came on and I was humming it and my ex glanced and looked sad and blank as I walked by and I didn’t acknowledge her and acted indifferent.

[ColdKnight]

Keep up with the indifference brother! Don’t let her suck you back in. She wants you to feel sorry for her and as soon as you reach out she is going to cut your hand off!

Mine used to do the same thing after she dumped me the first time last year. Every time I saw her she had this sad, mopey, come rescue me look on her face.

Don’t fall for it! It’s a trap!

[CryWolf]

I think my ex found out I was talking about our break up to people I assumed friends on campus, and word probably got back to her and this upset her that I put our business out there. This was in the early stages of the breakup, as I did not have any friends and stuck in my anxiety but today in one of my classes, my friend told me how a mutual friend told him about me "always talking about my ex" and I guess this got around as our school is small. This girl also said how I tried to get at her bestfriend while hung on her ex, which is a lie because her friend tried to get with me and i told her i just saw her as friends.

This really made me mad, but its my fault for trusting people.  I oonly open up to people I thought were friends because they open up about their problems with relationships and I tought I could relate but then it became  a pattern. its how i started soothing my anxiety and in a unhealthy way.

This was a while ago so I doubt it changes anything today but it probably explains why my ex is cold to me.

[CryWolf]

Keep up with the indifference brother! Don’t let her suck you back in. She wants you to feel sorry for her and as soon as you reach out she is going to cut your hand off!

Mine used to do the same thing after she dumped me the first time last year. Every time I saw her she had this sad, mopey, come rescue me look on her face.

Don’t fall for it! It’s a trap!

Why do you think they do it?

[ColdKnight]

I believe it is just for the attention and power. If they can get you
to cave in and come to them they have power over you. As soon as you do they shoot you down and I believe they love the feeling it gives them. Do not feel sorry for her.

[CryWolf]

We took an exam today and me and my ex both left the room and she waited a second or two and held the door for me, I said Thank you.

I stopped so I wouldn’t Be walking after her. Then I see her and classmates stopped by and talking about the exam. I stop as well to talk about the exam. But didn’t say much. My ex was texting and looking at her and seemed really happy.

Idk why but after this I just felt sad. She really moved on and living her life and I’m here, the broken record player that keeps on repeat. Asking and bringing up small things she does, to make myself feel better by thinking she misses me or loves me/misses me.

[once removed]

you have the power to detach, move on, and live your life as well.

something is stopping you. what do you think it is?

[CryWolf]

you have the power to detach, move on, and live your life as well.

something is stopping you. what do you think it is?

I can’t imagine a life without her. I think of the future and her not in it scares me. It makes me cry and I get more depressed. I’ve been so depressed the last few days and so dissociated. I ask myself is life even worth living? I wake up every morning unhappy. Unloved. I don’t love myself. The only person that gave me a sense of purpose was a my ex. I never thought I would Be in this position. I have so many friends and family that care for me but I’m
Hung on my ex. Idk how much longer I can live like this. I feel miserable and worthless. She won’t give me the time of day and I am now blaming myself now and more and more and I’m wondering if I’m a narcisist now like she said I was. Idk if this is all from exams, not sleeping, quitting nicotine, etc. but one day I see her and she sees sad seeing me then it’s all happy without me and I’m overthinking and just wanting to know if she misses me.

I can’t accept the possibility she doesn’t. I can live with myself if she don’t think of me. And idk why I’m like this. I need to kno I mean something still to her so I can find meaning in me. Cuz right now I feel worthless.

[once removed]

I don’t love myself. The only person that gave me a sense of purpose was a my ex.

i think thats the crux of it.

there isnt purpose or inner self worth. only external validation. this keeps you chasing approval and acceptance from others in a self defeating way, and one that only reinforces feelings of worthlessness.

it sounds like you can see this.

what stops you from taking the steps to take control of your life?

[CryWolf]

i think thats the crux of it.

there isnt purpose or inner self worth. only external validation. this keeps you chasing approval and acceptance from others in a self defeating way, and one that only reinforces feelings of worthlessness.

it sounds like you can see this.

what stops you from taking the steps to take control of your life?

I dont know how?  I feel like im a fabrication. Im starting to hate myself more and more these days. Im starting to think im not good enough for anyone. I saw my exes blog and all she did was talk bad about me. and im starting to think maybe this is true. maybe i was too soft to handle her. ive never loved myself and idk where to begin

[once removed]

have you ever engaged the matter with your therapist?

have you ever engaged the matter here on this board?

seeing it is one thing. this is deep stuff. it will take some work.

[ColdKnight]

Hey Wolf,

Hang in there buddy, we’ll get through this...

[CryWolf]

I failed my first exam for this class I share with my ex. I had to say enough is enough.

Me and my expwbpd exBF spoke the other day on social media. I reached out, due to finding out from mutual friends that after their break up he was going crazy and upset and didnt know what was going on. They broke up when I met my ex.

My ex told me, he was abusive, didnt love her, used her, did all these things to her. She told people I was manipulative and abusive after the break up. I reached out to him to apologize because I pretty much "stole her away" when she told me they broke up. She made all this up.

He told me, she was still talking to him while with me the first 2-3 months. sending him pics while on dates with me. He said she used to hit him, accuse him of cheating when he never ever did. he had no friends and was always there for her. she would fight with him over nonsense and any girl she thought was a threat she would yell and harass him.

He said towards the end he put himself first and this is exactly what I did. he and i both felt guilty but I told him, no it was necessary.

he said that she told people i was just a rebound. she told me i was a rebound when angry at times. This hurt me the most out of everything she ever said to me.

He said she stole his laptop and never got it back still. She told me she dropped it off at his house cuz she got tired of him harassing her. She stole my notes for school knowing it meant a lot for me.

She told him we werent talking so he could still chase her, and used me to make him jealous. he said he just wanted to talk to her and get closure or something. She would tell him that "if he does this or cut this person off" she would cut me off. she showed him messages of her breaking up with me. This makes sense why she would break up out of nowhere at times. to show him.

she asked me for explicit pics and sent it to him. and he told me. she also showed me his from when they were together which i asked why she had. She said "he has a locked album of my nudes and i want this in case for blackmail" He told me that locked album is pics of us or her she didnt like cuz she thought was ugly. he only had one nude and deleted it in front of her. She also did this with me, make me delete pics of her but had pics of me on her phone. Everything was a double standard.

me and her ex were just in awe, he told me how she was very manipulative and emotionally immature. He asked me if she did certain things or acted certain ways, and I said yes spot on.

He didnt know about the disorder and i didnt tell him for confidentiality reasons. He took on the blame and I knew how much it hurts so I wanted him to know it wasnt just him who felt it. No one should go through this pain.

I also did this, because I thought I was crazy. Although I could relate with you all, I still had that hope she wasnt. that being with her could be manageable and true love can prosper. But since speaking to him, and we both were very friendly towards each other I feel a lot better.

he told me to take it from him and move on. she will never give you closure.

her friends mutual friends are sending me fb requests still but im done feeding into this game or whatever it is.

[ColdKnight]

Solid proof of all the disaster she has caused. It’s tough when you finally realize that you weren’t as special to them as they were to you...

[CryWolf]

Saw her in class today and she was happy and talkative. Is it bad that I feel angry that she feels no remorse or regret? That she seems so happy and doesn’t care whatsoever that she flooded my thoughts while I didn’t cross her mind once?

[ColdKnight]

Not bad at all. It’s absolutely natural. You are hurting and she is being smiley and happy in the face of your pain.

Perfectly natural response on your part I think. Anger is part of the healing process I believe...

 

[clvrnn]

You also don't know that you're not crossing her mind - the happy act may just be a complete front!

[once removed]

Is it bad that I feel angry that she feels no remorse or regret?

i dont know if "is it bad" is the right question. if i said it was, would it change anything?

is it hanging on? is it attachment? of course it is.

at this stage (the two of you broke up nearly two years ago), is it realistic to expect that she would be exhibiting remorse or regret?

a lot of our pain in life stems from, to some extent, believing that others experience and see the world the way we do, and expecting them to behave accordingly - struggling when they dont because we read them through our own lenses. i think we all know on some level thats not the case, but when you realize it, really realize it, it can be eye opening and life changing. you can read yourself, others, and situations better.

[CryWolf]

You also don't know that you're not crossing her mind - the happy act may just be a complete front!

you are so right thank you

i dont know if "is it bad" is the right question. if i said it was, would it change anything?

is it hanging on? is it attachment? of course it is.

at this stage (the two of you broke up nearly two years ago), is it realistic to expect that she would be exhibiting remorse or regret?

a lot of our pain in life stems from, to some extent, believing that others experience and see the world the way we do, and expecting them to behave accordingly

wow this hit OR, I have been pondering this. I need to practice this more, as it will help with healthier relationships.


Btw, my ex reached out today
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339608.new#new