My Partner Threatened to Kill Me

[Dry Bones]

Hi all. It's been a while since I've posted here (mostly on Bettering), but I have been lurking quite a bit. This place has given me some comfort as my relationship with uBPDgf has grown more and more difficult.

Episodes of intense verbal abuse have once again become a daily occurrence. I'm really starting to sink into a place of despair and my job hunt has been going lousy as well. uBPDgf has been "discouraging" me from working my part time job, to say nothing of going to church or seeing my friends and family. She pitches a fit that she could be working during any of these times (she makes her own schedule essentially), yet when it comes to any of her outings, it's never an issue.

I finally mustered up the nerve to post here again, as she crossed another line two days ago. Upon returning home from working, she saw that the sink was full of dishes. This sent her flying into a rage and she stated quite matter of factly that one day she is just going to go crazy and kill me. The way she said it was chilling and she has gotten violent with me I'm the past. I honestly don't know what to do at this point. We have two daughters, 6 and 17mos, and they hear and see everything that goes on, including uBPDgf's outrageous verbal abuse, which is usually filled with profanity and sexual references. I would leave, but I'm broke at the moment and I don't want to lose my kids.

Anyone else been threatened with murder? How did you handle it?

Thanks for reading.

[ct21218]

I was attacked and he threatened to kill me.  I called the police and filed for an OOP and was prohibited from contacting me or coming back to the house.

Exposing your children to this is considered child abuse.  Please seek out help and protect yourself.

[kells76]

Hi Dry Bones;

You're brave and doing the right thing by reaching out for help. You really deserve kudos for talking honestly about what's going on.

I usually post over on the Family Law board, but sometimes I give feedback here when kids are involved.

With everything going on, it is good that you are thinking about your kids. Some people hope that their partner will only direct violence/abuse/language at them, but "wouldn't do that to the kids". I would encourage you to consider that your GF (I'm assuming she is the kids' mom?) may not be safe for your kids to be around, sadly.

OK, so she wants you to be isolated, it sounds like. Do you still have some contact with friends/family/church folks in town? As you breathe and start to think through what to do to be safe, come up with some names of people that you and your kids could stay with, if needed.

This doesn't mean "you have to break up" or "you have to make it work". That being said, right now your GF sounds like not a safe person to be around. Just start to come up with a few names of friends, family, etc where you could take yourself AND your kids for the night while GF is not in control.

You are already doing a lot by posting here, and that's a great step. Your kids need you to look out for them.

Keep posting and reaching out;

kells76

[Dry Bones]

Thank you both for your replies and your concern. Things have calmed down a bit and I am giving serious thought on how to proceed. My previous plan was to basically try and maintain the status quo for the time being, as finances would prevent me from affording housing independently and also there is the price of legal counsel to consider. At the same time, I have promised myself that the next time she was violent with me, I would call the police. It would not be the first time, as I had to do so once when she pulled a knife and threatened to kill herself. These days, she is again in a state where she references suicide on a regular basis and she has outright said in the past that she would carry it out if she lost custody of the kids.

It's been frustrating and extremely demoralizing, as she was in therapy and on medication until a couple months or so back. Not diagnosed BPD, though. The doc said she had major depressive disorder and an adjustment disorder. From what I've read on the latter, it is usually a short term thing, which doesn't at all mesh with what I have witnessed over the years and how she has described her life to me before we met. Anyway, her T basically told her that she has all the tools she needs at this point and she them took it upon herself to ditch the meds and stop seeing the psych as well. Things have been on a downward spiral more and more since, although they were never really good even when she was in treatment.

I will come up with an emergency plan for when I feel we might be in immediate danger. I do not believe that we are at the moment. My parents live about 20 minutes away, but their house is not ideal. I know that the children witnessing the threats and abuse is damaging. I feel really stuck at the moment without full-time employment, but the psychological toll uBPDgf's behavior has taken on me has sapped my focus and energy levels. I see my own T next week, so maybe I will gain some more insight then. This can't go on for much longer and I realize that.

Thanks again for anyone out there reading this.

[Cat Familiar]

So you don't currently feel in danger? What has she done in the past?

Like others have said, keeping your connections with other people is important. Too often pwBPD want to isolate their partners, and it's necessary that you have friends and acquaintances who can provide you support, both emotionally and in case you need to get away from her for your and your children's safety.

Please come up with an emergency plan ASAP. You never know when you might need it.

 
Cat

[I Am Redeemed]

Dry Bones,

So sorry that you and your kids are going through this. I think it's very wise to discuss this with your therapist, and you might consider checking with a local domestic violence agency for guidance on making a safety plan. You can also go to your local police station and talk to someone there to discuss what would happen in the event that you do have to call the police. This can be a proactive step for males experiencing domestic violence because often it is assumed that the male is the perpetrator.

The national domestic violence website, thehotline.org also has information about safety plans.

Do you continue to go to church and see your friends and family, or do you stay home to appease her?

[Harri]

Hi.  I am joining in with the others to say I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

Developing a safety plan is good.  Like Redeemed mentioned you can call the hotline and they can refer you to a local DV center that can help you.  You can also use the one we have here that we developed with the assistance of DV experts: 
SAFETY FIRST DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SAFTY PLAN   Having a safety plan that covers you and your children is vital.  We can help you with it here as well.

In the meantime, does your wife have moments when she is calmer and you can talk with each other about what is going on?

[SadtimesAZ]

It's an endless cycle that I went through for years. Go to work, she wants me home right away. Go to lunch or dinner with my Male boss, I should be eating at home. Ironing my work shirts, why no one cares how you look for work. She gets a job, goes out every Friday night for girls night out. Her female boss invites them for dinner, I better order pizza for myself and our son. She has to do her make up and look her absolute best to go to work every day. My income was ours her income was hers. I won't even go into being accused of cheating, why? That's how she chose to end our marriage by doing that herself also. Her favorite comeback, "I'm going to stab you" she also tried to hit me with her car, then it progressed to her carrying a gun to protect herself, as she was driving back and forth past my house and through my neighborhood constantly.

[Dry Bones]

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for the replies. I'm honestly a bit exhausted at the moment and too worn out to write much, but I wanted to check in and show my appreciation for all the advice and support.

To answer a few quick questions, yes, there are moments of calm that we should be able to discuss things. She'll probably just end up saying that she's going to apply for low income housing and move out. That's basically her attitude when it comes to discussing these things. She believes that it's all pointless and nothing will ever get better, and so it's no use trying. I know she feels shame over her words and actions and it comes out at times, but she rarely faces it. Even when I bring up our kids, she says that they're gonna end up screwed anyway, growing up poor and all that. Still, I told her today that we need to have a heart to heart. She said something to the effect of not having the time, but I'll make it happen at some point within the next few days.

As for friends, unfortunately most of them have either moved away or we've drifted apart over the last few years. Last weekend, one of my best buddies from HS invited us to a BBQ. I had a feeling that something wouldn't work out and, surely enough, she had a big meltdown that morning, sobbing and screaming in the bathroom. As mentioned, she makes her own schedule and so she was upset that her next paycheck wouldn't be sufficient if she didn't work that day. She's racked up tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debt and the payments each month make it so that little is left over for even food and basic necessities.

We do still manage to get to church, although it has been on again off again. There are good people there though, and I have known the pastor since I was a kid, so I can talk to him as well.

Wrote a bit more than planned (even with having to clean up puppy poop in the kitchen mid-post!). Thank you once again for everyone who has expressed their concern. I will keep updating in the days to come.

[kells76]

Hi Dry Bones;

Glad you had a little time to post.

I'm honestly a bit exhausted at the moment and too worn out to write much, but I wanted to check in

No problem. It makes sense that you're really wiped out and exhausted. Come here as much or as little as works for you, and we'll be here!

I have known the pastor since I was a kid, so I can talk to him as well.

Great idea. Is this something you can keep private, just you and him? Others here might have personal experiences to share of including disordered SO's in that type of support meeting. Maybe it can just be your thing for support for a while. Something to consider.

Really glad you have someone in your life who came to mind when thinking about support.

[DragoN]

This place has given me some comfort as my relationship with uBPDgf has grown more and more difficult.

That is the double edged sword.

Based on what you have stated, there is no to low probability of 'improvement' in your wife's behavior. If anything, it will get worse with time.

It may be helpful for you to record in written form ( hidden on your pc) dates and times of the verbal and physical abuse. If possible, record it. There are mini USB devices which are excellent recorders, or use your cell phone. Legal or not, makes no difference. Have it.

Seek out legal advice. Plenty available online, free and relevant to your jurisdiction. 

I will come up with an emergency plan for when I feel we might be in immediate danger. I do not believe that we are at the moment. My parents live about 20 minutes away, but their house is not ideal. I know that the children witnessing the threats and abuse is damaging. I feel really stuck at the moment without full-time employment, but the psychological toll uBPDgf's behavior has taken on me has sapped my focus and energy levels. I see my own T next week, so maybe I will gain some more insight then. This can't go on for much longer and I realize that.

Create that plan, Yesterday. Don't wait for when you need it. Do it now.

What will you do next time if she attacks you?
What will you do if she is screaming profanities in front of the kids?
What will you do if she keeps racking up the credit cards?

The good and bad news is: It will continue for as long as you put up with it.

[AskingWhy]

Here is a direct link to the MOSAIC inventory on domestic violence.  It is easy, anonymous and can help you see your situation. 

https://www.mosaicmethod.com/

[kells76]

That's a great resource, AskingWhy.

Dry Bones, keep us posted on how you and your kids are doing, when you feel ready.