Silent treatment? Punished? What do I do?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

 i live an hour from my g/f and this i am not there as much as she wants, which ironically she seems to want alot but then when i’m there she picks fights.  And now i’m in the silent treatment punishment again...

I loaned her my ipad when i went to visit her (while she was on her big trip). Her daughter’s ipad broke so before i left, i gave it to her to help. Well i didnt clear my search history and she found my search items when i was saying that dating single mothers isnt good .. i was searching because i felt alone and was tired of sleeping alone..anyways -she asked me about it..and i said i was sad and felt alone because she was always sleeping with her kids and i was tired of sleeping alone(i was in another country with her and her kids and her family). Well last night she asked again about it and i fell for it.. the perceived trust and caring.  So i shared the resoning again and then she got mad—she started saying mean things(i out the phone down) and when she was done i said thanks for sharing what you were feeling..i’m going to bed-I dont feel well... “ within about 30 mins i rec’d a text “don’t want to talk to you for a while. Please don’t contact me”...

I’m hurting.. i felt vulnerable and trusted her and then she attacked me. I’m also going thru very serious things she knows about too and knows that criticisms are NOT what i want. In fact i told her many times to stop them.. and ive told her many times not to do this silence thing. I’m being punished. I know she is going to expect me to apologize . I can’t. I answered her questions nicely... i believed she really wanted to know but as usual, this is her response-to attack me. Her response is usually about how i make things always about me—like i’m selfish.. what i am most concerned about right now is that she knows because i said it many many times the silent treatment needs to never happen again..it is thee most hurtful thing to me. She had agreed and here she does this.

Its been 24 hours and i know i shouldnt respond or contact her

But what happens when she does contact me? What do i do?

She may ignore it and say “it was my period and i was tired” or she could demand an apology...

We had been talking about mivi g in together in 6 months but i cant imagine that anymore.

Please help.

[Lifeinthefastlane]

 i live an hour from my g/f and this i am not there as much as she wants, which ironically she seems to want alot but then when i’m there she picks fights.  And now i’m in the silent treatment punishment again...

I loaned her my ipad when i went to visit her (while she was on her big trip). Her daughter’s ipad broke so before i left, i gave it to her to help. Well i didnt clear my search history and she found my search items when i was saying that dating single mothers isnt good .. i was searching because i felt alone and was tired of sleeping alone..anyways -she asked me about it..and i said i was sad and felt alone because she was always sleeping with her kids and i was tired of sleeping alone(i was in another country with her and her kids and her family). Well last night she asked again about it and i fell for it.. the perceived trust and caring.  So i shared the resoning again and then she got mad—she started saying mean things(i out the phone down) and when she was done i said thanks for sharing what you were feeling..i’m going to bed-I dont feel well... “ within about 30 mins i rec’d a text “don’t want to talk to you for a while. Please don’t contact me”...

I’m hurting.. i felt vulnerable and trusted her and then she attacked me. I’m also going thru very serious things she knows about too and knows that criticisms are NOT what i want. In fact i told her many times to stop them.. and ive told her many times not to do this silence thing. I’m being punished. I know she is going to expect me to apologize . I can’t. I answered her questions nicely... i believed she really wanted to know but as usual, this is her response-to attack me. Her response is usually about how i make things always about me—like i’m selfish.. what i am most concerned about right now is that she knows because i said it many many times the silent treatment needs to never happen again..it is thee most hurtful thing to me. She had agreed and here she does this.

Its been 24 hours and i know i shouldnt respond or contact her

But what happens when she does contact me? What do i do?

She may ignore it and say “it was my period and i was tired” or she could demand an apology...

We had been talking about mivi g in together in 6 months but i cant imagine that anymore.

Please help.

[ColdKnight]

Hi Life,

I am with you on the silent treatment. To me, and this is just me, she is not giving you the silent treatment. In my opinion she is clearly stating that she needs some space. I feel if you give it time (how much time I do not know) she will reach back out.

My gf would just stop talking to me and refuse to answer the phone or respond to texts, even direct questions. It was maddening.

I would have much rather she send me the message that you got. Granted you don’t know how long it will last but at least she is giving you the courtesy of letting you know she needs space.

I would like to say it would be ok if you responded to her text with “ok, I’ll be here when you are ready to talk” but I’m not sure. It may cause her to rage since she told you not to contact her.

Has this or anything similar happened in the past?

[Lifeinthefastlane]

In this situation, her response(the anger,rage) combined with this silence feels like emotional abuse. She asked me a questionnabout what I was feeling when I searched on my own ipad for information when I was feeling alone. She violated my trust because I perceived she had created an emotionally safe time for me to respond. I now believe she manipulated that. She will turn this into things that are not true at all (she’ll say I can’t handle/don’t want family; I should be grateful for what they offer etc...). All things that have nothing to do with my response which was “ I’m tired of sleeping alone”. Every time I sleep at her place, her kids sleep with us at some point in the night (starting out or during).. i’ve finally started leaving to sleep on the couch when it happens b/c there is no room. They are 4 and 6yrs old. She has said she knows this is a problem about them sleeping so she is aware-she knows it is because she didn’t stop it/encouraged it for so long.

In this situation though, I was in another country where I don’t speak the language for 2 weeks and I was sick of it. They had already been together gor 3 weeks before I got there. I made the search on my ipad at the end of the 2 weeks when I was very lonely. I told her I had felt left out. Whrn it was just me, her daughter(6yr old), her daughter would lay on top of her snd ssy “my mommy my mommy”. My g/f loved it. I had been sharing a few times (AFTER she pointed it out), that the girls really were more clingy. I said that makes sense. But this was beyond that—this was attachment issues to the 1000th degree with no boundaries. My g/f I believe seeks emotional comfort by sleepingvwith her girls. Its really sad truly. My g/f was abandoned by her family ahen she went to lifecwith her grandma at the age of 13 to get away from her dad’s abuse.

Yes she has done this many many many times. We went to couple counseling. She is supposed to put a time on it ehrn she does it and she never does. She KNOWS this hurts me when she doesn’t . I have explicitly asked her NOT to do this and always out a timeline on it. This is controlling behavior in this context and is intentional.

[Cat Familiar]

You were both hurt--she by finding your search history and you, by her not wanting to talk.

Are there any other issues in this relationship that concern you?

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Thanks for your reply    @CatFamiliar It is more than that for my hurt. She manipulated the situation so I would feel vulnerable and then she could attack me. I think she has been wanting a target to lash out at for other things in her life (bad choices she made with the kids’ dad; her mom’s illness; the babysitter moving etc). I could feel it building— and i was not engaging/offering my opinion in situations that I knew no matter what I said, she would attack (eg teacher spoke to her about a concern with her young one’s actions st school the day previous—i only validated how she was feeling and affirmed she was trying her best...i made 0 comments about her kids’ actions meaning anything deeper..).  So when she kept pressing me to share after I had been vulnerable about something else, I really thought she was interested and wanted to know how I was “feeling”, that is what happened-I believe she intentionally manipulated me so she could have a target to share her already vent up feelings about the other stuff too.  I had already acknowledged her feelings and listened to her hurt about finding the search when it happened 3weeks ago. She said at that time, “It’s like me saying ‘it sucks to date hispanics” (because I’m hispanic). At that time I acknowledged and validated her feeling. The ONLY thing I had not yet done was elaborate on my feelings until she pushed for “wanting to understand what I was feeling”. She has manipulated situations before when a lot of things in her life built up (which minds you happens alot-chaos both in and out of her control). I am hurt that she intentionally intentionally chose to leave out a timeline in her silence...that is intentionally choosing to not do what she had agreed MANY MANY times before. 

And i am scared because whenever she comes back she will say “I demand an apology” and it will never stop until I do. Before she and her kids left the country we were driving to the airport and in the car she asked me what I was feeling(she had been treating me badky that day-I cant remember what I said but she went off with me jn front of the kids and i just wanted to jump out if the car. i do not believe in fighting like that in front of her kids, she does. I asked for an apology and she said that it would never happen -i started tearing up and she berated me for tears...then i stopped and i realized i couldnt go thru this anymore so I lost it-begging for her to forgive me etc..it was sad really..her kid spoke up and said I should apologize after I already had and when she finally changed And jokingly said she was sorry , it was sad and mean).

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Also I cant find instructions on how to use syntax and the messaging tools ...do you know where those are? Thanks

[Lifeinthefastlane]

After the BPD is done with the silent treatment and vontacts you again, what is your first response?

[once removed]

did she contact you? what happened?

[Lifeinthefastlane]

No she didn’t contact me yet. But if her pattern holds the same, it could be this weekend. I have no plan what to do.

1) if she texts a long text of being angry
2) if she calls and wants me to listen to her trll me all these things wrong with me/that I did (which I didn’t)
3)if she wants to meet in person
4)if she breaks up
5) if she doesn’t contact me
6) if she demands an apology and refuses to talk until I do
7) IF she actually apologizes

Since I didnt do anythingwrong (and right now she knows I am already going thru something serious with my family and she knows I need support/no criticism, it hurts that she criticizes b/c it is 100 pct the only thing i’ve asked for right now. I’m not emotionally strong enough to listen to anymore unjustified criticism that is personally hurtful from her. I just can’t hear it.
I needed emotional support and she chose this avenue

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Please help me. I am hurting so much. She has done something that intentionally hurt me(she knew these actions she took are the “worst” things she could do because of things from our history.

60 hours ago: all in text message form
Her: “don’t wanna talk to you for a while. Please don’t contact me”

Me: no contact at all toward her

Her (now): “I am writing to see if you are still alive”

I am soo angry. She betrayed my trust before(asked me something that made me feel vulnerable-i trusted and shared.. then she attacked me and went silent without any mention for how long (she promised she would always give me a time even if to say she needed more time after that).

Now she asks me to be vulnerable again... i am so scared and anxious by what is next (emotional abuse has been a constant throughout my life -she knows this)...

Please help me-what do I do? My therapist cant see me till next week and isnt helpful. I really think my therapist just wants me to leave the relationship.

[Cat Familiar]

You suppose your therapist thinks leaving the relationship would be beneficial. What do you think?

What are the positives for you in this relationship? What are the negatives?

[ColdKnight]

What do you want to say to her?

[Lifeinthefastlane]

@CatFamiliar- and @Cold Night -thanks  for the reply. I don’t want to leave the relationship. Therapist seems to think all people with BPD can’t be in healthy relationships. (Including those with BPD traits).

As expected, my g/f text’d this morning. She just wanted to know if I was alive. Nothing else. I was so angry. I didnt reply until the end of the workday..couln’t think of what to say. I thought about everything I read on these boards..  in the end  i wrote “ yes i am..tx for checking. Hope ur doing ok” .   No response. A few hours later- i wrote “let me know when ur ready to talk..i’m here..” pretty soon after she wrote she was going to happy hour(its a monthly happy hour).. i decided earlier i wasnt going..i was so tired, not feeling well, busy workday with some hard things and haven’t been sleeping well obviously with all this stuff with her. I didnt give my rationale, just wrote “i’m not going”.. .. i’m really at a loss..  knowing she’s at happy hour there is a trigger for me (what if she hooks up with someone? Not that it’s happened b4). She can also perceive i’m not going because of her but these boards seem to say we shud keep our messages short with the other person.. so what is right here.. ?

[Lifeinthefastlane]

And now i wrote “busy day with (xxxx) and work—not feeling well... hope you have a nice time”

[Radcliff]

You have reasonable but unrealistic expectations that she will be sensitive to your needs.  As things stand now, she's not able to do that.  Perhaps if the conflict can cool off a bit, that issue will improve.  But this is a tough area for many pwBPD.  Unmet expectations can be very painful.  When we allow ourselves to have expectations about the behavior of someone else that we can't control, we're making ourselves vulnerable.  Does that make sense?

RC

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Thanks Radcliff.  Yes this makes sense., i’ll try to work on my expectations. I also want to use the situation to try to communicate more effectively.

Around 1am she text’d “i am angry at you. Despite my anger, I still remember that I love you.”

I know I need to validate, but don’t want to affirm the delays of silence, nor sit by phone waiting to respond to each text right away. The immediate silence afterwards hurts me. I am angry and once again she ignored indicating the capacity to care. That scares me.  (I had told her a little thing about a very serious situation and that i wasn’t feeling well). She focuses on her. I see the unrealistic expectations here. At the same time I don’t trust her even more. I can’t depend on her. Dhe even forgets what started thissall on her part. I do nit feel comfortable using the word “sorry”.. I also thing it’s important for me to be honest about my feelings.  Although this is moving forward in a goodway, i have to make sure she knows my feelings (separate from hers... my therapist wants me to prioritize my needs and communicate them. How do I SET without JADE? I want to be sure I text this as I know she reads texts over and over...we have stopped “fighting” via text b/c I won’t engage in that.  Any examples in this context how I can communicate my feelings too as my truth ( esp
Feeling my trust was betrayed? )?

[Lifeinthefastlane]

@Radcliff

Sometime early this afternoon I thought I should affirm the feelings so I said

“Thank you for sharing your feelings. Its understandable to feel angry. Glad to know the love is still there.”’then nothing at all.

I couldnt bring myself to say i love you too. I was feeling angry and wanted to say I am angry too and still remember i love you.. “ when do i get to share my feelings? She has twisted the whole situation? I cant help but think my needs will never be met in this relationship.

I think i want space after she is done with her space... how do I bring up my trust with her has decreased. We were supposed to move in during the next year and I dont feel comfortable. How do I share that without sounding like i give up on the relationship. I dont want to make the mistake of us moving on and ignoring these sikent treatment punishments.  Its more than just having a plan for when they happen, its also me knowing that some needs can be met in the relationship and which ones cant. Some needs i cant compromise on..otherwise, it doesnt make sense why i am in the relationship with her and not someone else

[Cat Familiar]

I cant help but think my needs will never be met in this relationship.

This is something to seriously evaluate.

I think i want space after she is done with her space... how do I bring up my trust with her has decreased. We were supposed to move in during the next year and I dont feel comfortable. How do I share that without sounding like i give up on the relationship.

What kind of relationship is it if you can’t honestly have this type of conversation?

I dont want to make the mistake of us moving on and ignoring these sikent treatment punishments. 

It’s apparent that you feel like her pulling away is a punishment, but she may not be intending that.

Its more than just having a plan for when they happen, its also me knowing that some needs can be met in the relationship and which ones cant. Some needs i cant compromise on.

What needs can’t you compromise on?

[Radcliff]

How often are you seeing each other face-to-face?  The types of things you're talking about communicating don't work well over text.

RC

[Lifeinthefastlane]

@Radcliff-after about 1.5 weeks we finally met and talked. I can’t help but feel that her treatment of me is part of her game. It feels like that. She provokes me to get angry but I don’t. She says hurtful things. We were able to go 72 hours without her losing it and then she did.

Our conversation was fine on the phone. I stopped texting as much as possible.  She asked about my day. I told ger-it was hard and I was sad... there is a lot on  my plate. I didnt say anything about her or us but she twisted it around. I kept repeating that I havent said anything about her or us. Its the pattern- anytime I share feelings , she attacks. She even has been telling me to stop saying thank you. She wantsssn authentic thank you. I told her that my thank yous are always authentic-i was raised to be grateful. I dont get it—ivcant say anything anymore—she attacks and you kniw what her attack us? That She needs to feel comfortable saying yhings-its a bad thing if we get to the point where we cant. I sId i agree-we are already there.  It was awful. I hate this -she says mean things esp when she KNOWS I need support. She wants me to say how amazing supportive she is and has been. It would be a lie to say that and she kniws it. I did affirm her support earlier in the conversation.  She wants someone to spend time with her and be happy—but she says I’m sad alot these last 3 yrs (my dad died, and other bad stuff) but its a lie to say i’m sad all the time. How  an I have a relationship if I cant share ?

@Cat- i’ve been thinking about what you said -what needs cant be compromised—emotional safety is one. Can this happen?

After we got off the phone I was angry. I waited snd called her and told her of her pattern-she asks about my feelings snd then she attacks. I said it’s not ALL the time but is MOST of the time.

[Radcliff]

Thanks for your reply.  That really helps us understand your situation.  Many of us have been in a similar spot.  I can hear your frustration about the inability to discuss the relationship in a productive way.  Your expectations about discussing the relationship are very reasonable, but may not be realistic given the handicap of BPD.  Those of us who are able to have explicit and productive relationship discussions with our pwBPD typically get there after much patience and skillbuilding.  We are unlikely to get to a place where relationship discussions are as straightforward as with another "non."  But many members are able to improve things by learning strategies that are more effective with pwBPD.  This is one of those situations where the current approach is not working, and you need to back up a bit, take a deep breath, and consider alternate approaches.  Does that make sense?

RC

[Cat Familiar]

Its the pattern- anytime I share feelings , she attacks.

I think it can be difficult for pwBPD to hear our feelings objectively. So often they will be triggered just hearing about feelings, even feelings that aren’t related to them.

And even when it’s not about them, they can suddenly make it about them, and then around you go.

@Cat- i’ve been thinking about what you said -what needs cant be compromised—emotional safety is one. Can this happen?

I’ve had to change my expectations in my relationship. I no longer expect my husband to be understanding or supportive of my feelings and I know I have to take care of that for myself. Surprisingly, without the pressure or expectation, often times he’s very compassionate and supportive. I just had to remove the sense of obligation and things changed dramatically.