She broke up with me 10 months ago. I want her back...

[Duckmeupfam]

I loved a girl, and even though I felt it inside me, I didnt show her. She expressed she had bpd, and was aware she falls in love fast. I was too cautious. And as a result she left bc she felt like I was going to leave her first.

Granted, I did not show her affection, and I didnt tell her I loved her back. I also explained that work needed to be my top priority. She later told me this made her think I was trying to end things.

I miss her. I always loved her but never showed it when it counted. Im quite sure she is over me, because she was hurt, swallowed her pain and moved on. We stayed friends, in daily contact. I kept pushing to get back together and this visibly annoyed her and pushed her away.

Is there any way to get her trust back, and eventually her love too? This girl was my soul mate and I messed it up so badly...

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

You can learn a lot here about how to more effectively interact with a pwBPD.  It can be a tricky balance to be sensitive to their emotions, yet look out for your well-being as well.  Tell us more about the current situation.  How often do you have contact with her?  What way(s) do you communicate with her?

RC

[once removed]

hi Duckmeupfam, let me join Radcliff and say

who did the breaking up? how long ago was it, and how long were you together?

[Duckmeupfam]

You can learn a lot here about how to more effectively interact with a pwBPD.  It can be a tricky balance to be sensitive to their emotions, yet look out for your well-being as well.  Tell us more about the current situation.  How often do you have contact with her?  What way(s) do you communicate with her?

RC

We still text almost daily. However, I am torn about wanting to respect her boundaries with her new SO. We spoke for an hour or so when she broke the  ews to me, insisting its not all that serious and she just wants to be intimate. However, I feel like things seem to be going well with her and him.

hi Duckmeupfam, let me join Radcliff and say

who did the breaking up? how long ago was it, and how long were you together?

So she did the breaking up, but it was only much later on that she admitted she thought I was distancing myself when I:

-kept saying I wanted to take things slow
-told her work had to be my priority for the time being
-couldnt say "I love you" back to her, then paired that up with a lack of attention and showing affection (this was bc it was my first love, and I was clueless about relationship dynamics)

The kicker, I did love her, but I let other peoples advice about not moving too fast get in my head when my heart told me to commit to this beautiful person and to match her level of interest. Now she says she was haunted by the way I treated her, but processed it all quickly and moved on, while I sit here heartbroken.

Should I give her space and let her be with her new man? Or stay in her life as a friend. It hurts me, bc I dont want to abandon her and I dont want to disrespect her new SO.

[Radcliff]

First, I'm going to say that once removed is the master at these situations, so it's great to have him on this thread.

She's a grownup.  You are not abandoning her.  She broke up with you and has chosen to be in a new relationship.  Even if you'd broken up with her, it's not necessarily abandonment -- people have a right to choose what relationships to be in.

How do you feel?  Would you enjoy having her as a friend?  If she is in this other relationship, would communicating with her as a friend feel good to you?  There's no right answer here. 

RC

[Duckmeupfam]

I cherish the time we spend together. I dont want to sabotage her new relationship, but I believe deep down her and I would be really good together now that I'm not hiding my feelings.

I do wish her happiness, no matter what happens. I want to see her again, but I want to make sure I'm not in the way. Should I just not reach out anymore then? I just dont wanna hurt her. I know she enjoys spending time with me, too.

[Radcliff]

Can you tell us a little more about what you've been texting with her about in the last couple of days?  How frequently?  Has she been responding quickly?  Does she initiate?

RC

[Duckmeupfam]

Can you tell us a little more about what you've been texting with her about in the last couple of days?  How frequently?  Has she been responding quickly?  Does she initiate?

RC

If I leave her alone, she eventually initiates, but lately its me reaching out more and more. I feel like I'm probably the last thing on her mind now that she has someone new. She knows that I care and that I love her. I dont want to communicate disinterest if I completly ignore her though.

[once removed]

generally speaking: if shes in a relationship, you want to steer very clear.

its something that has to play out. play any hand in it, and you vastly complicate your role.

if you broke them up, youd be blamed, thered be resentment. if she broke up with him tomorrow and got back with you, it would be a rebound relationship. if youre too close, youre in pain, you know more than you want to know, you may either strengthen or hinder their relationship, its complex stuff.

bottom line is you want to create the appropriate amount of space. that doesnt have to mean cut her off or go off the radar entirely.

she eventually initiates, but lately its me reaching out more and more.

whats she saying? what is the nature of her reach outs?

[Duckmeupfam]

Usually she just reacts to my social media and when she reaches out, its a funny meme. Contact has dropped off since the new guy.

[hardrockcy]

they care only for themselves.  they want to save their selves.  therefore they don't have time to save you, since they are broken as well due to their disorder.  the only chance you have is for her r/s to fail and return to you.  so, just be around and validating, showing that you love and respect her but up to a point. show her in an indirect that you ve learned from your mistakes that your job was top priority.  lead your own life and if it happens it will happen.  but don't sit around and wait. 
I did the same mistakes left her for over a year to be able to work better my business (i m the owner with 35 empoyees) after 8 years being on off, we share a child together and the last time i tried to get back together she denied as she found someone else.  3 months trying to persuade her, led to nothing but more pain and frustration.  i stopped and now i m in a limited contact just for the child. 
they are like robots, they have to pass all the BPD r/s stages and hope that they will eventually break.  but i stopped waiting and started dating. future will show.

[Duckmeupfam]

How do you feel?  Would you enjoy having her as a friend?  If she is in this other relationship, would communicating with her as a friend feel good to you?  There's no right answer here. 

RC

I want to be an ongoing part of her life. I can deal with her being with someone else maturely and respectfully. So for now my approach is to let her reach out and to have minimal contact. Deep down, I really want to have another chance with her because I'm committed to being better and learning how better to relate to her, but only if its her decision.

Most of all, I just want to keep from pushing her away forever. I can envision a healthy future between us, as lovers. but its gotta be her decision and not mine. I value her as a friend no matter what.

[Radcliff]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.  OR's advice and your plan both sound on target.

RC

[Duckmeupfam]

Thanks guys. Im just gonna stay way out of it, because I was really pushy about getting back together despite her still wanting to see me and spend time with me. Given my situation I think going off the radar may actually be a good thing, thoughts?

Also what are r/s stages?

[once removed]

Given my situation I think going off the radar may actually be a good thing, thoughts?

it forces the other relationship to stand or fall on its own. generally, its a good thing.

Also what are r/s stages?

of what sort?

most relationships (of all kinds) fail in the first 90 days.

[Duckmeupfam]

I mean I dont even know what RS stages are...

But yes I agree. Shes liking my posts and stuff but I think I should just leave her be, or should I like her stuff once in a while too?

[once removed]

there arent any real, official names for relationship stages.

there are certainly some commonly used, practical and helpful ones.

most people refer to the beginning of a relationship as "honeymoon period". both parties are on their best behavior. they may be enmeshed. all those quirks that are eventually annoying as hell are utterly adorable. cloud nine. there is no official timeline, but a good rule of thumb is anywhere from 1 month, to 3 months, 6 months, possibly even a year.

after that comes the "power struggle". both partners begin to test each other. fight to reclaim themselves a bit, and fight to establish themselves within the relationship. most relationships dont really make it through this stage.

we have a good piece here on gottmans 4 stages of relationship breakdown, that taught me a lot: https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

Shes liking my posts and stuff but I think I should just leave her be, or should I like her stuff once in a while too?

i wouldnt overthink this one. if you like her post, then like her post. the more someone tends to like my social media posts, the more ill like theirs as a courtesy. but this wont achieve anything in terms of a relationship.

[Duckmeupfam]

i wouldnt overthink this one. if you like her post, then like her post. the more someone tends to like my social media posts, the more ill like theirs as a courtesy. but this wont achieve anything in terms of a relationship.

I just dont want my likes to come off as needy or invasive. But I guess if shes throwing me some likes I can send some to her too without being desperate. I dont think it will achieve anything, I just dont wanna do any further damage.

[once removed]

i think thats a reasonable approach. dont ignore her existence completely.

[Duckmeupfam]

Thanks for the advice. I liked some posts of hers and she liked a few of mine back. She then texted me a meme and I sent one back that made her crack up.

I just left it there though. dont wanna push it. Would rather leave on a high note.

I know getting her trust/love back is gonna be a process... I think if I create enough positive moments with zero pushiness she may start missing the good times... am I crazy or is this a good assessment

[once removed]

Thanks for the advice. I liked some posts of hers and she liked a few of mine back. She then texted me a meme and I sent one back that made her crack up.
...
I just left it there though. dont wanna push it. Would rather leave on a high note.

its smart.

another member here, formflier has a good rule of thumb.

if she gives 60%, meet her half way, give 30%. if she likes 3 of your posts, like 1 or 2.

you dont want to get into push/pull games. but in breakup recovery, you want to walk the line of courtesy and reciprocation without over pursuing.

I think if I create enough positive moments with zero pushiness she may start missing the good times... am I crazy or is this a good assessment

its a good assessment. let her see the upbeat, confident guy she fell for, but one who can stand on his own two feet with or without her.

[Duckmeupfam]

Hey just thought I'd bump my thread and give an update.

So I have been staying in contact and visited with her a few times. My only focus is making her laugh and feel good when around me, and I think its working to an extent.

I only wonder when its ok to escalate? I dont want to just tread water forever and just be seen as a friend. While I havent communicated that I still love her and want to be with her again, I still very much feel this way.

How do I walk this line of not outright asking for a relationship, while still making it clear that I am interested in her romantically? I am fine with being friends since thats what it seems like she needs at the moment, but I dont want to end up just friends for life.

She has been through a rough spell with health issues and I have been there offering support and care, communicating that I have her back no matter what. She said "Love you"

I realize it may still take some time. So I have been trying to keep random texting and to a minimum. I am bringing her christmas presents so we're gonna be seeing each other again soon. Just curious how to continue approaching the situation?

I know if I outright say I still want her back that my neediness will show and push her away. But also I dont want her to assume I've totally moved on either. For now I just want to keep building trust and good feelings, and show her I'm someone who really cares and can be a good addition to her life.

I also fear I'm gonna just be there for her emotionally and she will find someone else in the meantime, and this thought hurts a lot. Help me out fam.

[Radcliff]

She can probably tell from the attention you're giving her that you haven't moved on.  She has said that she loves you.  This is good.

For now I just want to keep building trust and good feelings, and show her I'm someone who really cares and can be a good addition to her life.

Great plan.

How were your holidays?

RC

[once removed]

its a little bit hard to say...probably harder to navigate and be in the middle of.

I am fine with being friends since thats what it seems like she needs at the moment, but I dont want to end up just friends for life.

it does not sound like youre in the "friend zone", if she isnt talking to you about stuff like potential partners. not bad that shes not seeing anyone, either.

but obviously youd rather not be in this awkward limbo, either way.

think hard about this:

has she given any romantic signals? even things where youre not quite sure? small things, even (remember, if she felt you pulled away from her shes not likely to put her heart on the line but she might subtly test where you are about it).

have you had any deeper talks? has the breakup or the relationship come up at all? have either of you hinted at any regret if it has?