At a Loss

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone
  I am new here just wanted to have some advice or help from you guys. My sister was recently diagnosed with bpd it has been almost 6 months almost but since that day life has been an ultimate roller coaster if I say exactly. She was pretty sure before going to the doctor that she has it fast forward she is taking medication but instead of improving her behavior it is gone downhill from there. She treats everyone like crap I am not even exaggerating her husband and children are totally miserable if someone does not oblige to what she says she shouts too much. Screams and starts manipulating it is too the point all our family is backing out from her but there is this guilt in me. Recently she tried to push me and my other sister to change our last name just on social media though and then left screaming and shouting that do it if you don't do it i am going to fight everyone around me, i hate you guys and you have to listen to me its the same way she treats her children and husband. Its been always cyclical phases of her good and bad behavior even when she is good she is busy passing sarcastic and hurtful remarks just not fighting. Problem now is that she blames every behavior on her disorder and secondarily on her husband her children and now her family aswell that we are the reason that she did all mistakes in her life. Also that we damaged her leading to this. All of us love her alot and worried even her husband i feel sorry for him at times and think why is he even staying if he does not love her but she is totally unable to see. My question is should i feel guilty for trying to cut out myself from her because now she has started shaming my husband and financial status too? And do people with this disorder have no idea what they are doing to other people psychologically and negatively? Is she unable to make conscious good efforts?

[Mysterious Fall4]

Hi everyone
  I am new here just wanted to have some advice or help from you guys. My sister was recently diagnosed with bpd it has been almost 6 months almost but since that day life has been an ultimate roller coaster if I say exactly. She was pretty sure before going to the doctor that she has it fast forward she is taking medication but instead of improving her behavior it is gone downhill from there. She treats everyone like crap I am not even exaggerating her husband and children are totally miserable if someone does not oblige to what she says she shouts too much. Screams and starts manipulating it is too the point all our family is backing out from her but there is this guilt in me. Recently she tried to push me and my other sister to change our last name just on social media though and then left screaming and shouting that do it if you don't do it i am going to fight everyone around me, i hate you guys and you have to listen to me its the same way she treats her children and husband. Its been always cyclical phases of her good and bad behavior even when she is good she is busy passing sarcastic and hurtful remarks just not fighting. Problem now is that she blames every behavior on her disorder and secondarily on her husband her children and now her family aswell that we are the reason that she did all mistakes in her life. Also that we damaged her leading to this. All of us love her alot and worried even her husband i feel sorry for him at times and think why is he even staying if he does not love her but she is totally unable to see. My question is should i feel guilty for trying to cut out myself from her because now she has started shaming my husband and financial status too? And do people with this disorder have no idea what they are doing to other people psychologically and negatively? Is she unable to make conscious good efforts?

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board!

My question is should i feel guilty for trying to cut out myself from her because now she has started shaming my husband and financial status too? And do people with this disorder have no idea what they are doing to other people psychologically and negatively? Is she unable to make conscious good efforts?

Should you feel guilty?  I would say no and that guilt is a common response when a loved one is involved and we want to help but can't.  I think establishing boundaries in your relationship with your sister will make a big difference and it will take time.   Boundaries can be quite different from cutting yourself out of her life.  You can find a middle path sometimes. 

Regarding your question about if they are aware of their behavior:  I would say not, not when they are in the middle of a dysregulation.   That however, does not mean they get a free pass on abusive or objectionable behavior.  Nor does it mean your sister can not help herself.  It also does not mean she gets to blame her behaviors on her diagnosis.

Understanding what is going on with her, some of the defenses and behaviors associated with the disorder can help you cope better and set and estyablish appropriate boundaries.

We have a lot of articles on this site that you can read.  The best place to start reading is at the top of this board here    How to get the most out of this board  See what grabs you then we can talk about it.

Again,

[Panda39]

Hi MysteriousFall,

Welcome to the group 

People with BPD do dysregulate and rage so it may just be BPD, but my first thought was could your sister's medication need to be adjusted?  My partner's uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) was put on something at one point that actually made things worse. Has your sister had a recent change in medication?

I agree with Harri learn as much as you can about BPD, when I first found out about BPD I read everything in my local library system.  Reading gave me a good grounding in what BPD is and a better understanding of the behaviors I was seeing. A couple of books I particularly liked are...

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason MS, Randi Kreger

and

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr, M.A.

Also, something from our site that you might find helpful (just click on the link)...

The Do's and Dont's in a BPD relationship...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

I encourage you to keep posting, there is wonderful support here from people who get it. 

Hang in there,
Panda39

[Turkish]

They often do know what they are doing, but due to both emotional dysregulation and core shame,  Projection becomes a survival mechanism. Seeing the world though a lens of shame, "my feelings are inherently worthless and don't matter,  therefore I am inherently worthless and don't matter," someone with BPD is easily triggered into rage and anger. It's a survival mechanism to protect a fragile ego-state and tenuous sense of self. 

A few years after she left, my ex and mother of our children gave me a self help book for Christmas.  She loves those things,  thinking if she does x, y, and z, her life will drastically improve.  The core issues of depression, anxiety and shame remain though, and those factors drive her. 

[Mysterious Fall4]

Thanks everyone for the reply I don’t know how to individually quote and reply. That does give me a new perspective on how she is behaving we have been trying to do our max but it never seems enough. I am deciding on giving her some time to herself and me to it will give me a bit of mental break. I just hope i know how to handle future confrontations without escalating  them into damaging scenarios.