He went with me to doc, and it was bad

[isilme]

He decided for the first time all year, save two blood draws, to go with me to my doc.  It’s an hour away, I’m not sure why he had such a desire to go, since he won’t drive in that town, he didn’t come back to meet the doctor, and he yelled at me about two thirds of the trip up because he couldn’t get his phone to connect to the car radio.  He waits, always, until I, driving 75 mph to start some technical feat, and gets mad if I get distracted driving while he yells, and even smacked me for raising my voice to stop yelling while I drive.

Took care of it, he sulks saying he doesn’t want to listen to music anymore, over and over.  10 minutes from doc, he finally starts to play music.  I am flustered, try to turn a block early, have to do a u turn to get back I t he right way. More yelling.

Get to my appointment, he’s silent, I go back, come out, he’s mollified a bit, states he has a migraine starting, we try to figure where to eat.  Pick a place, somewhat nearby, mood seems better even if he grumbles about the food.

He wants to go into a store nearby, I’m tired, still fighting normal exhaustion, worked all day, and I am recovering from a stomach bug he had last week, but he says he’s worried about getting g in the car too soon until the exceedingly kicks in more.  Ok.  Spend about an hour, I’m happy we finally get in the car to go.  And he sounds like he wants to make another stop... I ask why, he’s decided he wants to get intimate somewhere in this town in the car.  He does this time to time, and of course I’m the bad guy for saying no.  I just got screamed at a few hours before, I’m tired, I can tell my eyes are going, and he said last time I agreed after he felt cheap, to tell him no.  I remind him, he starts yelling and complaining again, and I am so tired, I miss a media .  Luckily it was shallow and I did not damage anything going over it, but he got quiet, sulked all the way home. 

I am ‘hiding’ in the living room, am not sure if he’s in bed yet or not, or if he’s still in the bathroom.  I want to shower and go to bed, I don’t need more yelling. 

I was right to dread him coming with me.  And we have an mri for him Saturday, likely to tell us his back just has arthritis.

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[isilme]

He apologized the next day, made it to his appointment Saturday barely on time, met some friends, and he spent way too much money.  I was exhausted and close to crashing before dinner, I think he will enver acknowledge or understand just how tired I am.  I am trying to explain it, but I can barely explain it to my doctors.  I'm not a little tired from missed sleep.  I am bone-weary.  My predominant feeling - tired.  What do I want for lunch/dinner - sleep.  Food, I don't care. 

But I know sitting in bed all day isn't going to help, so I push on, to keepmym cicadan rhythm somewhat on a day-night cycle.  I go to work, I try to avoid the couch when I get home, take care of whatever chores are bugging me the most.  Tonight it's likely groceries.  We went to exercise last night at the pool.  I know some level of conditioning is needed to regain any energy, but I am just so tired today. 

And it's not just physically tired.  I am tired of rants about people we know who have habits that irk him.  I am tired of doom and gloom prophecies.  He acts as if people have the power to create or prevent Armageddon - I'm of the mind if it's what it's written to be, it doesn't matter what we do or don't.  I figure it's pretty much out of our hands, we just go day by day never knowing the hour and hope for the best ech day (or worse if you're him).  He gets agitated if I don't want to hear about how the world is going to end and I'm going to be grabbed and raped and thrown into some form of slavery and he'll just say, "I told you so."  WTH is that?

I had chest pains this morning.  They were severe enough I felt it wise to mention, but ever mindful of my tone and his delicate feelings, I stated it carefully so as not to arouse a fight about him being burdened taking me to a doctor.  I think it may just be soreness from swimming and sleeping weird.  I'm having lots of "slow muscle cramps" lately.  Like the cramps I'm used to are sharp, fast, seize up the muscle quickly, and you can work them out quickly.  These lately are slow, it's an increasing tension you can't quite will away or rub away, that can last for 15 minutes or more.  This one was located near my left armpit, and it made it hard to breathe, but I'd also not yet had my asthma medications and the weather changed, so I feel crappy anyway.

I think I just get sad time to time knowing that my pain, my exhaustion, my feelings of being ill aren't high on his radar, except overall how will it affect him.  He can manage one or two days of me being home, sick.  Maybe.  Sometimes it's barely a few hours.  It all depends on how soon he feels inconvenienced and how soon he gets past the "I'm an asshole for feeling this way" feeling. 

Also had a small conversation in the pool about my knitting club.  I've not been going for 2 main reasons... I have been very tired, and have also had two bad infections the days I'd hitch a ride ad go an hour into the City to join in.  I get back later than I like when I am so tired on a work night, I don't get to eat until about 9 or 10 PM, so even on good nights when there is no issue with me getting home and getting yelled at in a day or 3, I literally am too tired to deal with it even if I didn't have a cranky person at home.

And, he hates it enough he always finds "something" I've not yet done to complain about.  I could get all the groceries, and I leave him the car, and he claims he has no food.  He'll be mad the trash isn't taken out, the cat litter needs changing, laundry, dishes, you name it, all things he could do... but never does even when he's in a good place.  He wins.  I told him last night between being tired and the fact he feels it takes too much of my energy, it's just not worth going.  he tried to rpetend his demands made sense, so I repeated it - you get mad most of the time, so it's not worth going.

He pretends he can't possibly drive and do things, because to him I've restricted him into a child's role.  No.  He restricted himself and I just adult as I always have.  I never got to be a child, so the idea of reverting to one doesn't make sense to me.  Losing control of my emotions completely is a luxury I don't have.  Being too sick to do anything more than 1 day or so, likewise.

[GoodMan]

Hi!

Im sorry your dealing with this.

I have a few questions I had to really think about and continue to think about during and after different phases of my BPD relationship.

Is this the relationship you want?

Have you researched deeply into BPD and understand the life long sacrifices that need to be made to hold a relationship like this together?

Do you have to strength to be the pillar of this relationship and make a life for yourself that is happy and fulfilling?

[isilme]

Hi,

Obviously this is not how I want my relationship to be.  But I’ve been in it 23 years.  And studying BPD over 10 of those. And until I got sick myself I had more resilience for the treatment. 

I have no idea what a life that is happy and fulfilling even means.  I’m never having kids.  Too late.  I can’t feel that I have a husband who will consistently supportive to me, because part of him is damaged, his capacity for that is severely stunted.  His feelings are too sharp, to bright for mine to register.  And I can usually manage in spite of this knowledge. 

I’m just so tired.  My condition makes me tired, stress makes it worse, and his moods, which had evened out for a few years, are now all over the place.  I think he’s not handling me being sick well.  I know he’s not.  He got sick?   I read all I could to understand it better, each condition, each problem. I get sick he can barely remember the name, and is embarrassed by my needing so many medications to function as well as I do.  One is weird, I need to mix these vials in plain water 4 times a day.  He first accused me of hiding it because I do it in the kitchen (you know, where the water and cups are) and then gets mad if I need to do it in public.  I hide in a ladies room to do it if I can.

Imagine feeling each morning like you are catching the flu.  Imagine this for a few years.  This is how I feel.  Ive improved, but a flare puts me back in flu mode.  Flares are caused by pollen, weather changes, acute illness, overloads of allergies like a house with a dog, and stress. 

And the way it works is, once my illness  crosses a threshold, it establishes a new, horrible normal.  It almost never goes back to a better baseline.  Hs sugar can spike, but it can come down.  My hyperactive malfunctioning immune system just gets worse. 

I think for a while we were doing pretty ok with the whole, pad and all.  Now?  Now he wants to burn all friends, not just the ones who actually treat him badly, and is mad I won’t just outright be rude to them.  I spent a good part of yesterday and today cleaning the mess in his workroom, but ‘no one helps him.’  That’s his hoarder mom talking, the sentiment that things just need to magically clean the,selves, without getting rid of anything, and all messes are someone else’s fault.  Only two of us live here, and I never get to use the drawing desk... it was his mess. 

I had the strength for a while.  I just feel numb, daily, and want sleep.  Just sleep.  Leave me alone, not have to work, and sleep.  Sad thing?  I call in sick to get rest?  More than half the time he does, too, and no sleep for me. 

[snowglobe]

Isilme,
WhAt you are describing resonates with me to the point of feeling like I wrote those words. I’m habitually exhausted to the point that I can not think straight. At times, when ubpdh’s mood gets even for a While I make a mistake of relaxing and letting go. Then it hits me like a tornado over the head. I can never relax and trust my environment, my children depend on me for survival. I must be aware and protect them from the craziness, or at least divert his anger on to myself so they don’t become the recipients of that. He is also all about gloom and doom, according to cbt model by Beck he is constantly in a negative cognitive triad- negative view of self, negative view of the world and negative view of the future. Only to alternate to being the super human, all mighty genius. I know much about psychology, I know enough of bpd, what I still can’t seem to do is apply it to my bpd husband and make it better

[Panda39]

Hi Isilme,

I know you've had a lot of physical stuff going on, but I know when I'm depressed I feel exhausted.  It feels like you're walking through sand.  I'm curious if you are seeing a Therapist at all?  Part of what is going on may be depression.

I'm also worried about you under-playing chest pains, that is a serious symptom, I hope you will mention it to your doctor the next time you go in.

I'm glad you went and did some swimming you are right exercise is good.  Keep it up as you are able.

Take Care,
Panda39

[isilme]

He is also all about gloom and doom, according to cbt model by Beck he is constantly in a negative cognitive triad- negative view of self, negative view of the world and negative view of the future.

^^This.  He gets agitated if I don't want to have the same conversations over and over about the world ending.  It's as if since I don't jump out of bed and rush off to fight what he calls "inevitable" I am invalidating him. 

He gets mad when I don't manage to undo his own negative self-image, forever coming to me and asking if I see anything different - he obsesses over his facial hair, which I'd love to be gone since it hurts my skin sometimes, and I can't tell that he trimmed a small area 1mm and I'm a bad wife for that.  Or I can't see much difference between a slightly tight blue shirt and a slightly loose one.  I'm of the mindset, you hate how you look, so nothing I say matters.  It's a trap.  Why does he get to enact the streotype of the insecure wman, "does this make me look fat?"  When do I get to be the woman?  When I try, he can't be supportive or kind, he lashes out, sarcastically agrees, yes, you must be fat or ugly.  He fishes all damn day for compliments, all I feel I get is his over the top interest when he's horny. 

Panda,
I dont trust therapists.  Most people I know on the psych fields on the campus where I work, who train counselors, are very much "physician heal theyself".  They got into it to analyze their own neurosis. 

I was thrust into counseling when my BPD dad divorced my BPD mom.  I'd already been burned by talking too openly to school counselors, so I prattled about TV shows and books, said a few obligatory statements about my mom... then dad went in for his own session - as a minor I doubt there was any protection on my session, so I didn't trust it.  Also, any counselor who could see me shut down, and then see his song and dance, fell for his sociopath mask.  Or I was better at hiding things than I realized.  They gave me this ridiculous workbook on codependency.  It was so... awkward?  pendantic?  heavy-handed?  I filled the whole thing in and hated every "I'm okay, you're okay" minute. 

This is my therapy.  I can't keep a diary.  Dad photocopied parts of mine about being happy to finally have a boyfriend, a diary I'd kept from ages 11-19, and snail-mailed the pages to my family... and since I was dating H at the time, his family, too, to embarass me and make them turn me out after he'd disowned me.  Dad wrote in a letter delivered to my place of work in my 20s that he was just waiting for me to come crawling back on my hands and knees in a fit of depression.

Chest pains - not worried, really.  I've had a Cat scan, 2 Xrays, and an EKG (ECG?  I can't remember which does the heart) since January.  They did find a small 5mm nodule in my lower right lung, but since I've had pneumonia about 5 confirmed times in my 42 years, plus uncounted sinus infections and bronchitis, I'm fairly certain it's scar tissue.  Nothing ahs been noticed to concern anyone about my heart.  And, I finally got a pulmonary function test in April and confirmed I have adult-onset asthma. 

The mast cell activation disorder actually contributes to depression - all the additional immune system chemicals being pumped into my body that aren't needed to interfere with serotonin and dopamine.  And, prevent sound sleep.  And cause migraines, IBS problems, skin sensitivities where you itch all the damn time, as well as "normal" sneezing and runny nose, itchy eyes problems.

And my case doesn't seem as drastic as many who are bedridden, unable to eat more than 4 types of food or need a tube. 

Asthma has been really bad, haven't been up to doing much at all, especially not outside.  Apparently, September tries to kill asthmatics (and succeeds).  It's the highest ragweed exposure of the year, for 1-3 weeks in September, and I've been gasping for air just walking to my office. 

I just need a place to "talk" about the reality that my H is not equipped for quid pro quo.  He will never be able to handle a role reversal, and a lot of his anger lately seems to be at me for making him realize and admit this about himself.  And... we seem to have discovered he is allergic to something in normal, 1% milk.  It's been causing some of the migraines, so maybe it's aprt of the extreme mood instability.  He's gone off it, I'll have to watch and see.