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Author Topic: I did a stupid thing and I'm not sure of the best course from here  (Read 134 times)
G1B8oN
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« on: September 14, 2019, 06:55:55 AM »

I'm in a bit of a dilemma and I have a feeling it might be a situation with no clear "right" answer. Please share your wisdom!

OK, so things have been plodding along OK between me and my uBPD girlfriend, a bit of turbulence but nothing major.

When things were awful between us a few months back we were in the midst of a breakup and during a row I revealed (very stupidly) that even some of her friends thought the relationship was unhealthy and we maybe shouldn't be together. It was stupid and immature of me to bring other people into the arguement and use them almost as ammunition and I regretted it immediately.

At the time she understandably wanted to know which of her friends had said this but I refused to tell her saying that I was wrong to bring them into the argument and I didn't want to cause further damage and create a rift between her and her friends. I also feel guilty because of course her friend would not have expected me to go blabbing to my partner.

Her friend knows what she's like in terms of her emotional instability, sometimes violent temper, substance abuse and black and white thinking. At the time this was said, the friend had just witnessed her slam my hand into an iron railing, drawing blood.

Now, months later we've had a trivial disagreement that she's clearly in the wrong about and she's pulled the 'ole BPD bait and switch by completely changing the topic of the disagreement.

She confronted me about "talking and conspiring with her friends" behind her back and demands to know the identity of this person. Her view is that if I don't tell her then I'm choosing to break up the relationship because she can't be in a relationship with someone who keeps secrets.

My perspective, and what I've said to her is that I was wrong to bring another person into the row and I don't want to do more wrong by causing a rift between her and her friends. That in a healthy relationship it's OK for people to keep some secrets as long as they are not doing it to hide wrongdoing or to get away with things like cheating and substance abuse and that this person was only speaking out of compassion and caring for the both of us and it's not fair for them to be punished (it's inevitable she will confront them and paint them black).

We were supposed to be going out for dinner at her father's house tonight but instead she's broken up with me unless I reveal this person's identity, this does not sit well with me either. I'm trying not to JADE but I'm not doing a great job as I have such conflicting emotions. I can understand why she'd want to know and I'm not surprised she's extrapolating this to mean that I'm keeping all sorts of secrets because that's how her mind seems to work...sigh
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G1B8oN
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« Reply #1 on: September 15, 2019, 05:42:14 AM »

Well, that turned out to be a storm in a teacup...

I stuck to my guns and refused to divulge. I went to her dad's as it was an existing plan. She gave me ST for about 3 hours and then all of a sudden poof! She was all over me hugging and telling me how much she loves me and has been fine with me ever since... I'm sure it'll come up again but hopefully not for a while!
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Witz_End
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« Reply #2 on: September 15, 2019, 07:06:20 AM »

I'm glad things settled.  At the same time, you're probably right that it will still sit in her mind and come back up, so things settling gives you an opportunity to plan ahead.

What I would do, personally, is talk to the friend in the meantime.  Carefully, because no doubt she will be noting who you talk to, possibly even watching for it like a hawk.

Obviously, there'd be some apology to it, but hopefully the friend's knowledge of how your girlfriend is will go a long way and they'll see your sincerity and intentions not to throw them under the bus.  On that note, you can tell them that you are dead set on keeping their name and them out of the drama and realize it was a mistake, but wanted to talk to them for their input and so that they are aware.

I'd also be prepared for a way to handle the same sort of emotional blackmail, should it come again.  Knowing she will go to that length allows you to formulate a response to reach for as a way to maintain the boundary that you've already laid the groundwork for.
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G1B8oN
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« Reply #3 on: September 19, 2019, 07:47:09 AM »

Yes, she's raised it again and is now badgering me for a "conversation" and is repeating the mantra of "I stand by what I said, I won't be in a relationship with someone who keeps secrets from me".

So far I've bought some time, told her I'll think it over. We're currently not living together and tend to only see each other 3/4 days a week and she's struggling with this but it gives me some breathing and thinking space.

I spoke to the friend that first afternoon, let them know what I'd done, that it was stupid and I was sorry for using their words as a tool in an argument. They clearly don't want my partner to know as they are aware of her volatile and paranoid nature.

I also spoke to a counsellor yesterday, her concern was that I'm taking on too much responsibility for the feelings and reactions of others and not looking after myself first and foremost. She sort of guided me to see that the friend is an adult who chose to speak to me, I don't see any wrong in what they said so shouldn't feel a need to hide it and that the most straightforward course of action might be to behave as though my partner was a reasonable and mature adult and just tell her the friend's name.

It's my partners disproportionate reaction and blackmail that has led me to feel protective and my instinct was to go into damage limitation mode. I'm viewing it as a catch-22 situation but really, if my partner decides to destroy or damage her friendship based on the innocent and well-meaning words of her friend (at a time they witnessed my partner engage in physical abuse) those consequences are hers to face.

On the other hand, I've told her I won't tell her and of course if I let her threats and blackmail influence my actions I'm then rewarding her behaviour which I'm also not OK with....

I'm really struggling to formulate a response other then "no, I don't feel comfortable, what you do with that is up to you"
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #4 on: September 19, 2019, 12:15:41 PM »

That is a tricky situation.

Did you tell the friend you won't divulge her name? If so, then I agree, it's not right to go back on your word. It's also not good to give into emotional blackmail.

This is a boundary issue, in my opinion. If you feel it's not right to share the friend's identity, then that's a boundary. You hold it with kindness and empathy, but firmness and how she chooses to respond to that is up to her. But, as I'm sure you know, that will likely lead to a lot of drama.
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G1B8oN
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« Reply #5 on: September 19, 2019, 12:33:26 PM »

I didn't say I wouldn't reveal them but I didn't say I would either so if I did decide to tell her I'd probably give them a heads-up first. I'd also make it clear that I don't think there is anything wrong with what they said and I know that they just want to see us happy and that's the message I'm conveying to my uBPDgf.
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