Relapse

[Zabava]

Hi all,

Just looking for some tips on coping with setbacks in the recovery process.  Ever since I went home I feel like I've been off track.  I have made some bad decisions, both personally and professionally.  I have been in a very dysregulated state emotionally and have acted irrationally as a result.  Unlike past episodes of crazy, I have come back to reality more quickly.  I reached out here and to my family and friends for support and was pleasantly surprised to find that people care. 

At the same time I feel so discouraged.  I want off the emotional roller coaster. 

[Kwamina]

Hi Zabava

Unlike past episodes of crazy, I have come back to reality more quickly.  I reached out here and to my family and friends for support and was pleasantly surprised to find that people care.  

What you say here is very positive and shows that you've actually already made significant progress, have new resources at your disposal and you're also utilizing these resources You are able and willing to acknowledge and articulate what you're going through and are taking steps to mitigate the issues you face. Another

You are concerned about what you perceive as a relapse. However, when you take a bird's eye view of things, can you then perhaps also see the progress you've made?

You've been through a lot in your life and the reality for many if not all of us children of disordered parents is, that our healing not only isn't linear, it likely requires ongoing maintenance. Some days will be better than others, the important things is to keep on trucking as our Panda39 once famously said on here when responding to another member.

It might also help to consider these words from the often quoted Pete Walker:
"Be patient with a slow recovery process: it takes time in the present to become un-adrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradually progressive process (often two steps forward, one step back), not an attained salvation fantasy. Don't beat yourself up for having a flashback."

The Board Parrot

[Zabava]

Thanks Kwamina,

I ended up leaving a childcare job soon after starting and it has triggered a lot of anxiety and shame for me. I have a job in a school that I love but is part time and so I took a second job.

I left because it was a terrible environment for kids.  It was overcrowded and dirty and I was asked to falsify documents to pass health and safety inpections.  Staff spoke harshly to and about the kids and there was no adequate supervision of kids arriving and departing. I felt like I really messed up by taking the job in the first place.  I haven't quit a job without notice since I was a teenager.

But since quitting I have discovered that several former employees complained to authorities about conditions at the centre and that people often quit after a few days because it is such a toxic workplace.  I blamed myself for something that was out of my control and in my mind saw it is as evidence of my defectiveness.

I'm trying to stop the shame spiral and learn from this experience and I realize that I never had a healthy model of how to handle adversity.  My bpd parent treated every setback as a catastrophe and a reason to freak out whether it was a minor issue or not.  So I think every mistake I make feels more diastrous than it really is.