Sadness

[Alex207]

Hi all. I'm just so sad.

I've posted a long post on here before so won't go into the details of mine and my brother's childhoods and apologies for any repetition, but it was incredibly mentally abusive, each day (and often night) filled with relentless attacks from her with her criticism, bitterness, anger, and annihilating rage. Our bedrooms regularly smashed up while we were in bed, being told daily that we were a punishment for something evil she did in a past life etc.

Since leaving home (and copious therapy!) I've seen her little and often and clung to the hope that things were better over the years. She still had episodes if around me for more than a few hours (my head may as well be a mirror, she can bear to be around me/herself for a few hours but more than that and she has to attack) but little and often meant I was able to build a 'good' relationship with her and she could build a close relationship with her only grandchildren.

Recently she decided she is moving six hours and 200 miles away from me, my husband, and the grandchildren she professes to love more than anything. This began my internal shift as most 'normal' mothers and grandmothers at her age (nearly 80) move in the other direction, ie to be closer to family. I began to realise that she is the mother she always was. She just simply doesn't care enough.

Then came the holiday this summer which was so traumatic that my husband and I still feel too traumatised to talk about it much. The relentless attacks on me dawn to night, the annihilating rages, causing her grandchildren to cry (at her behaviour, she didn't attack them directly).

With that and the realisations I was already having, it finally dawned on me that the only thing that's changed over the years is the geography, ie I don't live at home anymore. She hasn't changed or gotten any better, it's just I'm not around her for as long anymore. On that holiday it was so hard to be 'back there'. (She has since told people she is never going away with me again as my behaviour was so awful!)

We have to change things. We will not have our children affected by her behaviour and I will not have these attacks anymore. So my husband and I are going less contact. I used to ring her daily, she lives alone since my Dad died a few years ago, but not anymore. We used to include her in family days out sometimes, we just don't want to now. I ring her maybe once a week now and am civil on the occasions she comes round to see the children.

When she moves away, little and often won't be possible. She expects us to stay with her for holidays and to come and stay with us for a week or two at a time. It's all going to be so rosy, she thinks. Of course we can't have her around us and the children for long visits. We've decided when we visit we'll stay in a hotel and visit her for a couple of hours at a time. When she comes here, the first sign of trouble and she's booked into a b&b up the road or asked to go home.

Her moving away means the end of 'little and often' so the end of any semblance of a 'good' relationship with her and a close relationship with her grandchildren (which she has always had). It's all necessary but it's just so sad.

I've dug out my BPD books again over the last few weeks, 'Understanding the Borderline Mother' by Christine Lawson is amazing and I could have written 'The Witch' mother section myself. But again, just so sad! So sad to come to terms with the fact that she can't love me in the way a 'normal' mother would. So sad that she will always be this way and I will always be her target of projection, not love. So sad that we don't know how long we have her as she's heading into her 80s and yet I have to pull back from her, have to hurt her to stop her hurting me and the children, have to feel the guilt for doing that. I'm just so, so sad.

It's all still percolating down as I come to terms with things. I'm at the beginning of this journey of realisation and less contact, all of which goes against every instinct as a mother's child, but makes sense on every rational level - especially in terms of protecting my children from it. But it's just so, so sad.

Thanks for listening.

[gotbushels]

Alex207   

Thank you for sharing.

[...] filled with relentless attacks from her with her criticism, bitterness, anger, and annihilating rage.

That's awful—what she did. If I think that I'd never get the mother I wanted—of course I'd feel sad, so I'm there with you on that one.

She still had episodes if around me for more than a few hours [...] she has to attack [...]

Managing her a few hours at a time sounds so exhausting.

With that and the realisations I was already having, it finally dawned on me that the only thing that's changed over the years is the geography, ie I don't live at home anymore.

Distance sounds like a very good thing for you and your children.

We will not have our children affected by her behaviour and I will not have these attacks anymore. So my husband and I are going less contact.

I support you in this. It's thought that we repeat dysfunctional patterns (which includes BPD dynamics) over more than one generation—so with that in mind, I do agree that it's beneficial not to have your children affected by her behaviour. Often these triangles of dysfunction happen whether we want them to, whether we know about them, and despite our best efforts to prevent them. That idea came up again in conversation with my T recently, and I'm glad to share it with you.

I hope you enjoy your peace.

[GaGrl]

The best thing my father ever did was to move us 200 miles away from my grandparents, shortly after I was born -- my mother's stepmother was uBPD/NPD , queen/witch and could go waifish sometimes. She had parented my mother since Mom was 6 years old.

Limiting contact and the length of occasional visits is probably your best tool. If you know about how long she can hold it together before going on the attack, you can plan around that.

With protection, the grandchildren do well. My sister and I were more resilient to our neurotransmitter's manipulations -- although she puzzled us as young children, and later we had to avoid her attempts to triangulate us. My husband's ex is also uBPD/NPD, and the granddaughter figured out by about age 10-11 that her grandmother had some serious problems -- she is 18 now and carefully limits her time with the grandmother.

[Harri]

Hi Alex.

Her moving away means the end of 'little and often' so the end of any semblance of a 'good' relationship with her and a close relationship with her grandchildren (which she has always had). It's all necessary but it's just so sad.

Yes, it is sad and it is going to take some time to adjust.  Are you afraid of the consequences from her perspective or is it more about you losing the "semblance of a 'good' relationship" with your mom that is so difficult for you?

She expects us to stay with her for holidays and to come and stay with us for a week or two at a time. It's all going to be so rosy, she thinks. Of course we can't have her around us and the children for long visits. We've decided when we visit we'll stay in a hotel and visit her for a couple of hours at a time. When she comes here, the first sign of trouble and she's booked into a b&b up the road or asked to go home.

I think this is a good plan.  Why not have her stay in a B&B anyway, why wait until the first sign of trouble?  Give yourself and your family a span of time where you can decompress.