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Author Topic: Distance = Hope  (Read 164 times)
Bluemoon23
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« on: September 17, 2019, 10:03:07 AM »

Hello fellow members,

It's been a little over a month since I joined and my kiddo has been away from my house. They turned 24 on Sunday and I spent the day feeling sad and blue.

Because there had been no contact since I called the police and had them removed I was not sure what to do or say. I decided to text them Happy Birthday. I was very surprised at their response.

They said thank you and that they loved and missed me. That made me cry harder. It's so hard to navigate this in a way that makes sense. Cause it doesn't make sense. It's different and I'm learning. I'm trying. I'm doing the best I can.

I said that I missed and loved them too. Then they text that it did not feel like their birthday because they were not with me. So hard.

I struggled with should I see them? Should I call them? Am I bad for not being there? I don't feel ready to see them or talk to them. I'm scared. I'm tired. I don't want to fight and scream and yell anymore. I don't want to nag and push and prod anymore. I'm tired. I'm done.

So I finally found the right words and text them that I get that and that we should work on a plan to celebrate together soon.

I feel like the quietness and the not talking has been good for me. It's been healthy and peaceful and calming and I'm hoping that I will build up my strength again.

So I feel at least the door is open and now I have to really figure out and work on boundaries for repairing and rebuilding the relationship with them.

While I don't like them very much right now I do love and care about them.

My sister let me know that their stay is temporary so they know that. My kiddo understands they cannot come back here too. So what happens next will be a new transition and hopefully they make safe choices for how they move forward.

At least I will have the support I need to get through all of this. Hopefully I will learn new skills and ways of communicating so that I can have a better relationship that is less enmeshed and less enabling.

It's so good to come here and to feel less alone. To feel less like the horrible mother they say you are. I appreciate that so much.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Swimmy55
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« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2019, 10:36:52 AM »

This is very hopeful and please allow yourself to  enjoy the peace.  They are at your sisters and being compliant with her house rules it seems and that is good. You are allowed to breathe and take this in.
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2019, 12:14:33 PM »

I am glad you had this break. It sounds like you needed this distance to get your own feet on the ground. It is good that your kiddo (I take it kiddo's pronouns are they/ them/ their?) knows you have boundaries and moving back with you is not an option. You are wise to be thinking of constructive ways of improving your relationship. Please don't forget to include self care.
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Hugs,
Faith
Bluemoon23
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« Reply #3 on: September 17, 2019, 01:00:43 PM »

@Faith yes they identify as they/them and trying to respect and use them appropriately when speaking about them.

Thanks all for listening and chiming in. As I'm here looking around and reading up I feel such great comfort knowing I'm not alone in dealing with all of this.

It's a hard journey when you isolate and feel shame and I'm moving myself away from those coping strategies to better ones. Healthy ways to navigate and get support.

And yes self-care. Just having a peaceful safe living space has been the best self-care I could give myself right now. To heal, reflect and to rebuild my heart and soul.

 With affection (click to insert in post)
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #4 on: September 17, 2019, 01:05:37 PM »

I know what you mean about safe and peaceful living space.
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Faith
wendydarling
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« Reply #5 on: September 18, 2019, 05:28:56 AM »

Hi Bluemoon

Happy Birthday to your kiddo, gosh that is hard BM, I'm glad by reaching out you received a positive reply   Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

You are right, it is hard to navigate this in a way that makes sense, as often it doesn't make sense when we are in the mire, crisis. It is a challenge to understand what is happening in what is driving the behaviours, recognising their personal limits, understanding fears and struggles, it's complex isn't it. 

It is good to hear you are feeling the benefit of quietness and calm in the safety of your home. Have you been to the Dr's for a check up recently?

WDx
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Bluemoon23
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« Reply #6 on: September 23, 2019, 09:59:22 AM »

@Wendy thank you! I am working on that and seeing the doctor in a few weeks. I'm slowly gaining strength and doing things to help myself to feel better.

It's a journey and the space away from each other I hope will be helpful in trying to rebuild a kinder and nicer relationship between us again.

They are sweet and they are kind. They just have to figure out their life and they have to do it away from me.

I see that now and I will stay strong in that belief. I feel like I have given them ALL the ingredients for baking a cake and now it's up to them.

Being here and sharing and reading helps me with that  With affection (click to insert in post)
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wendydarling
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« Reply #7 on: September 23, 2019, 05:21:35 PM »

@bluemoon and all reading. That GP check is absolutely Dr's orders. I left it late and regret it, I was overwhelmed by DD's crisis and managing more as we do. Self care, self care. I'm ok now.

First step is applying the communication tools, skills to reduce conflict, turning the way forward gently and lovingly, working at their slow speed.

Does your son know you volunteer for a suicide helpline?

WDx  With affection (click to insert in post)
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Bluemoon23
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« Reply #8 on: September 24, 2019, 10:03:15 AM »

@wendy I know. I know. It's something that is so important and yes I did not do anything but I am now. It's good to hear you are better too and are able to practice better self-care. It's so important and I get that now. It does make such a difference.

My kiddo does know and in fact often when we were fighting say I care more about those texters or ask me if that is what I would say to a texter. It got thrown in my face a lot and I stopped for awhile because it was just so overwhelming.

It's sad really because their loss of so many peers is what inspired me initially to join and to do that. Now they are suicidal and jabbing me with the little help I can sometimes provide someone when I do volunteer.

But, I started back and doing once per week and feel better when even 1 texter says thank you so much you helped me out. I feel good about that.

And I will keep trying and working on doing better with my kiddo. That's all I can do.
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