Hello, I have a double whammy.

[Wulfe51]

I have a double whammy. For many years, I could not understand the nature of my wife's behavior, how she could need love and support so much, yet be so determined to push people away. For a long time I took her periodic blowups at me as proof of my own lack of perfection. She made feel for decades that the anger she felt for me was of my own making.

While I am far from perfect (who isn't?) I now see that she often sets impossible standards. In her mind, I fall short in all ways, and then when we encounter something I truly did wrongly or poorly, she hits the ceiling. Screaming at the top of her lungs, throwing things, door slamming, days of stony silence and angry glares. She underwent treatment in the 90s for bipolar mood disorder, but the strength and side effects of the drugs were more than she wanted to handle. She  later began taking Prozac and that helped a little.

As the years have gone  by, I've learned about BPD, and she seems to fit the profile of extreme neediness coupled with impossible demands, explosive emotional reactions, and of course the periodic verbal abuse.

A few months ago I noticed her behavior becoming more extreme. The blowups came more frequently, and periods of irritability starting to occur nearly all the time. When she eventually informed me that she had been reducing her Prozac and was about to stop it entirely, I was not surprised.

I think about leaving her, but I know that would send us into a crisis. I both fear her anger--I have seen her seek retribution against others whom she sees as having wronged her, and I am afraid of what divorce would lead her to do to me. And life is not always miserable; she has a good side, and the lifestyle that we share is  in many ways very appealing to me. But I can't stand the anger anymore. I am trying to adjust my own attitudes because I can't adjust her behavior. What else can I do?

And then, there's my mother. We moved her closer to us six years ago, and I've come to see that she, too, shares some of the characteristics of BPD. Between the two of them, I feel completely used up sometimes. I find there is not enough energy left to do things just for me.

So thanks, I hope I can learn something.

 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hi Wulfe and welcome!

You've found a good place to land -- a supportive community with a lot of experience, tools and advice to share that can make your situation more bearable.

What you write here is very familiar to me and I'm sure to many other members here. I, too, experienced the blow-ups, periods of thinking everything was my fault, etc. It's very hard to live with, I know. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with it.

I am trying to adjust my own attitudes because I can't adjust her behavior.

That's good. Recognizing that you can't change or control her is an important step. And, yes, there are things you can do. If you don't mind my asking, can you explain what changes and adjustments you're trying to make? Knowing that, we can help point you to other methods you might try as well.

As to the double-whammy with your mother: that's not uncommon either. Many people who are in romantic relationships with pwBPD also have family members with at least some BPD traits. In my case, I've come to realize that my sister may very well have BPD. It was a startling realization.

Dealing with all of that will take a toll on you and self-care is very, very important. I can understand feeling like you don't have the energy, but is there any possibility you could prioritize that? Going out with a friend. Going for a walk. Reading a good book. We can help you brainstorm ways to achieve your goals.

When you're up to it, I hope you'll share more so we can help in more detail. Keep posting!

[Witz_End]

Welcome, Wulfe.  Hopefully, you'll find what you need here.

A few months ago I noticed her behavior becoming more extreme. The blowups came more frequently, and periods of irritability starting to occur nearly all the time. When she eventually informed me that she had been reducing her Prozac and was about to stop it entirely, I was not surprised.

I'm guessing that would likely be it.  Other things could be changes in the relationship or repeated triggers or other changes in life, including age.  I read a study recently that linked estrogen and progesterone levels to increased BPD traits such that lower estrogen or lower progesterone and estrogen can ramp up traits.  It focused more on the E/P crash that brings about PMS, but could possibly apply to estrogen production tapering off over time with age as well.

In my case, I've always noticed things can get really rough as PMS and BPD combine.  It's also been a rough few months lately, which has coincided with a couple things... relationship bumps in the wake of an affair and a campaign of self-medication using a glass of red wine a night to lessen how harsh and heavy her period has always been (one of the signs I have seen she is progesterone deficient / estrogen dominant).

Red wine inhibits the conversion of testosterone into estrogen in women.  There is debate over whether the female body ramps up other production of estrogen to compensate, but a going belief and what I think she is seeing is... the red wine helps because it lowers estrogen and estrogen (or more accurately lack of a progesterone balancing ratio) can cause the heavy bleeding and harsh cramps by building up the uterine wall more than should be during monthly cycles.

So, already low in progesterone and lowering her estrogen artificially with wine... and a study out there linking low estrogen (and progesterone) to increased BPD symptoms...

I see this as maybe an aggravating factor over the past few months.  I'm trying to gently nudge her to switch to progesterone cream instead.  If the problem is an imbalance between the two, adding progesterone would have the same effect on her periods as lowering estrogen, but without aggravating the BPD.

So... all this to say, there can seemingly be a lot of factors.  Dropping off the prozac is probably a good bet and most likely, in your case, but be aware there can be others.

And life is not always miserable; she has a good side, and the lifestyle that we share is  in many ways very appealing to me. But I can't stand the anger anymore. I am trying to adjust my own attitudes because I can't adjust her behavior. What else can I do?

We definitely get it!  I think a lot of people here totally understand that there can be upsides to a BPD partner.  On the flip, we also understand the effect of the anger.

Adjusting your own behaviors and attitudes are what these boards are mostly about... because of exactly what you are saying!