Part 2: My wife left

[Depression = 72% of members]

Nod Note:  Part 1 of this thread is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339309.0;all

I screwed up and now its over. My wife called asking about something insignificant. I asked her if she got my letter and she said she had not. I explained to her what it was. I told her how much I love her and that I was willing to try anything to make our relationship work. She said we had no relationship. I’m going to have to figure that out. I asked her why she was doing this. She said its been 12 years and I still cant figure it out because I don’t listen. She said her birthday, which we spent on vacation with my parents in the Midwest was miserable. She said she didn’t feel special. I bought her a very expensive purse that she liked. We were on the road and had dinner with my parents. She said she is less lonely now than she was when we were together. I know pleading and begging is the wrong thing to do but I fell so desperate. She truly is movin on...I can hear it in her voice. I’m destroyed.

[1315]

Nod Note:  Part 1 of this thread is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339309.0;all

I screwed up and now its over. My wife called asking about something insignificant. I asked her if she got my letter and she said she had not. I explained to her what it was. I told her how much I love her and that I was willing to try anything to make our relationship work. She said we had no relationship. I’m going to have to figure that out. I asked her why she was doing this. She said its been 12 years and I still cant figure it out because I don’t listen. She said her birthday, which we spent on vacation with my parents in the Midwest was miserable. She said she didn’t feel special. I bought her a very expensive purse that she liked. We were on the road and had dinner with my parents. She said she is less lonely now than she was when we were together. I know pleading and begging is the wrong thing to do but I fell so desperate. She truly is movin on...I can hear it in her voice. I’m destroyed.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

has anything new transpired in the past couple of days?

[1315]

Unfortunately, yes. My wife received the letter I wrote her. Her response in a text was, "I read your letter. There is no miracle. We are over. Are you going to be able to handle tomorrow?" The last part was in reference to meeting with the divorce attorney. I guess my questions are answered. So now all I can think about is questioning the legitimacy of our relationship at all...ever. I think I have realized a couple things. I remember the good times. I forgive her when she hurts me or does wrong. She is incapable of that. I was reading some online literature about BPD and it compared their memories to legal files. Only the ones that support how they currently feel will be admissible. I asked her Saturday if there were no good times in her recollection. She could or would not answer. I am struck how someone who supposedly at one time loved another now is totally ambivalent about my feelings or any of the other people that are affected by her decision. In 45 days my life was completely turned upside down. Except for the pit in my stomach having to see her today at the attorney's office I'm feeling a bit numb, running on empty.

[blackorchid]

Hey 1315

how did it go yesterday?
how are you baring up?

[1315]

It was brutal. First, she now has a tattoo and got her nails done with acrylics...something she never did during our relationship. She has new clothes and new jewelry. She acted as if I was a stranger and had not a care for the emotional trauma she has caused not only me but her kids and all of our family. She acted as if she was buying a car...all business. The new "look" coupled with the zero emotion makes me wonder if there is already a new guy in the picture. She said there wasn't my stepdaughter says she doesn't believe so either. Maybe that is inconsequential at this point but the thought of my wife whom I love being with someone else makes me sick to my stomach. I am just a stranger to her now...at least that's how it feels. Maybe worse because all I have done is tried to be a good husband. My personality is generally positive with her. I am quick to forgive and forget. I tend to only remember the good times...we had many of them. We traveled and had such great fun. I have a phone full of pictures of our adventures together. It is as if she does not have memories of any good times anymore. I feel lonely and empty. My adult children, my parents and my sister are all of one mind. They believe this is a blessing in that they believed this was unavoidable due to her instability and better now than even further into the relationship. It is not that simple for me.

[blackorchid]

When my partner splits me black he tends to make changes to how he dresses/looks too, so try not to focus on that.


I know how you feel in regard to your family.  We cant help the way they feel.  Everyword you wrote could easily describe how my partner acts when hes dysregulated like this.

what can you do now to help you? How can you focus on looking after your sanity and helping you to get through the next fews days/weeks

[1315]

I have an appointment for a new therapist through my med insurance but couldn't get in until Sept 30. I'm talking (sometimes crying) a lot to family. A great deal of my support system has moved out of state in recent years. My new support system oddly enough had become my wife's family. I am still very close with her adult children, particularly her daughter. I'm reading some books and online resources. I'm focusing on physical fitness. I had gained about 35 pounds in the last year which i equate to A LOT of stress. So I am exercising  a couple hours a day.

[Birddog]

1315,

Was just going to ask if you had thoughts around a self care plan. Sounds like you have that covered or are in process of putting into place.

Must feel really nice to get some validation from family..

Any other areas see where can grow self care plan?

[1315]

I don't really know. I'm very depressed and lonely. The suddenness of this has left me so hollow. I was preparing to retire and we had been dreaming about what that would be like. I realize now that I had foregone other friendships to concentrate on my wife. She has been my whole world, my best friend. The thought of spending the rest of my life without her is unimaginable to me at this point. I feel unlovable because of her constantly telling me that I was incapable of emotional connection.  I think now if that were true I would not be feeling so emotionally obliterated right now.

[RBGE]

Hey 1315, I was talking to my Dad the other day about what he went through when he divorced my (likely) BPD mother. I was distraught when I called him because I might soon be facing the same situation with my wife that you're going through with yours. So I just wanted to share with you what my Dad said, for whatever it's worth.

He said it initially gets "bad, even worse for a little bit" after the marriage ends, "but after a little while it gets much, much better."

I know that seems oversimplified and probably doesn't do much for you now because you feel like the suffering will last forever. But I really think you will be in a way better place sooner than you think, especially with the help of a therapist.

[1315]

RBGE, thanks for the wisdom and experience from your dad. I hope this doesn't happen to you. Even with all the people in my life telling me it is better in the long run for the relationship to end now rather than later, in my current state of mind and being totally honest if my wife said to me let's try to make something work--I probably would. I would handle things differently than last time we did this dance. We just got right back together. There was no therapy or anything. And, I gave in at every point so there really were no boundaries. I was at her mercy because she knew I did not want to split up. I feel stronger today than I did yesterday. I can't really say what the change is. I wouldn't say that I'm good. I wake up each morning thinking my wife is going to be next to me and this has all been a nightmare. Obviously that's not the case.

[RBGE]

I hope you don't ignore that tiny little bit of progress - feeling stronger today than you did yesterday. Of course you're not "good" yet. You might not be for a little while to come. I'm 100% sure that I'll experience the same thoughts and feelings you are now if it gets to a point where my wife or I call it quits. But I hope you share your progress and growth with us as you go forward with the help of a therapist (after the 30th). I think reading about your journey going could potentially help me as far as what to expect.

Sorry to keep bringing up my father but I wanted to tell you this in case it gives you the slightest bit of hope. He divorced my mother around 1989 and in 1991 he got married to my stepmother, who is an awesome person, and they're still happily married almost three decades later. Of course they've had arguments or disagreements over the years but they worked it out with no lasting damage or repercussions because BPD is not in the picture. I've always seen my Dad's marriage as an example of what a healthy relationship looks like.

I can understand if your wife comes back to you, asks to try again and you say yes. I won't try to talk you out of it but I will ask you to please take care of and look out for yourself first,  no matter what.

[Birddog]

1315,

Checking in,

[1315]

No contact since the day with the attorney. Had lunch  my stepdaughter. She said my wife is curious about my relationship with my stepdaughter. My SD told her that was off limits. My SD totally supports me.

I have never experienced such depression. I’m totally struggling trying to accept my marriage to this woman I still love so much is over. I do not know how to move forward. It continues to shock me how easy this seemed for her to do. This is not getting better for me.