thanks for the welcome.
I have my counselor/rent-a-friend which I should explain. He is a Christian marriage counselor who was attached to the church we were attending a number of years ago. I realized that I needed a relatively impartial person to talk to, and that my insurance would pay for 35? visits a year. So I went to him and said "write whatever you want on the paper. I need someone to run ideas and experiences past and to help keep my responses 'Christ like'" He said fine and my rent-a-friend was established. He's since grown to be more of a friend.
I seem to have a very strong compartmentalization capability. I can put the wife/relationship issues to one side and concentrate on what I need to do.
About 7 years ago I took a job which involves a lot of travel. I've used the job as a reason to create some separation (physical) between us. I can feel the tension drain away as I drive to the airport and pile back in as I get closer to home. I've typically been gone 3-4 nights a week for the last 7 years.
In June, she shattered her shoulder while we were in Mexico. Emergency surgery there, a medical flight home, 2 months of rehab/waiting for the next surgery and she had a total shoulder replacement on Aug 23. That lead to me spending almost 3 weeks with her constantly...which lead me back here. I needed somewhere else to vent/interact/share, so I thought I'd try here again.
I was on the boards probably a decade ago, but left because I wasn't able to implement much of the advice/suggestions I was getting here. All I've really been able to do is (of course) work on my own attitudes and expectations. My counselor says I've gotten pretty far in "radical acceptance". I can't change her and I'm not waiting/expecting her to change at all. I stay with her out of duty and religious conviction.
DiD is not considered curable and she has been pretty resistant to various counseling attempts to improve the situation. The DiD is from a decade of sexual abuse from her father. She goes to a counselor until the counselor says something about her changing (even as simple as "Your husband has a right to his feelings" which she does not acknowledge). Once we hit that point, the counselor is now "mine" and she never goes again. This has happened 4 times.
The other big cloud in our relationship is psycho-somatic illnesses, which have been diagnosed at least 4 times professionally (once by a neurologist who was not looking for that at all). I observed decades ago that she retreated into being sick anytime she feels threatened or anytime there is an expectation on her (ie, she says "I'll bake a cake" but gets sick before she can). I think her father left her alone when she was sick. She refuses to acknowledge any of this. I can probably put her in the ER by pointing out that she makes herself sick (denial, rage, depression, suicide attempt within 1-2 months). I've seen that pattern many many times.
She has attempted suicide more times than I can remember, once ending up in a medical coma for 3 days. There have really been about 1/2 dozen "serious" attempts. There were a couple times when she claimed to have taken an overdose of some medicine, but when we got to the ER they didn't even bother pumping her stomach or really even monitoring her closely (ie, they did NOT believe her at all).
We'll see how active I can be on here.
You're welcome!
That's good to hear your insurance covers it (lucky!) and that he's Christian to help you keep your energy level in a more enlightened state.
That's great... I need to learn this compartmentalization trick. But you must have learned it along the years as a defense mechanism in response to all the chaos you're dealing with (including now your cancer!).
Yes.. I can imagine you having an overwhelming anxiety/depression wanting to head home but it's good you took it as a reason to separate... was your wife also giving you
PLEASE READ for this?
Oh gosh well you came to the right place to vent. How is living with her now daily?
Realizing we can't change someone else is a HUGE lesson and sometimes although we are logically aware of it, I think that emotions still take over for the most of us and we still TRY to mold someone. I think to an extent, and with the right state of mind, an individual CAN change a bit if they're self-aware but it is extremely difficult. What I keep reminding myself when I get upset is "you can't control anyone else or their actions/behaviors except your own."
That makes sense... the counselor is "mine" is definitely HER mechanism in response to self defeat I'm sure. Her issues are so complex I'm guessing that the walls she has built up for self defense are so extremely high that her perception may not ever change. and I'm very sorry to hear this... just be strong and vent here.
That's very interesting about her being "sick." Is she ACTUALLY sick? like does she actually ware her body down in terms of stress to the point where she does actually catch a cold? or does he just act it out kind of as a defense mechanism.
