My therapist wants to end therapy but I’m not ready

[justnothing]

Hi everyone. Once again it’s been a couple of years since my last post so idk if I need to reintroduce myself or not.

Last time I talked to my therapist I had something of a falling out with her because she said that she doesn’t believe I’ll ever have enough strength to achieve anything in life, including getting another job or moving to a nearby city. I’ve been in therapy with her for over 14 years and overall in therapy for about 17 years and my number one goal has always been to be able to better myself and I’ve always been terrified of ending up homeless or in some desperate financial situation like my mother (my mother had BPD and tried to kill herself twice over debt when I was a kid and constantly fretted over money related issues). What my therapist said made me so upset that I considered asking for another therapist and talked to her about it today… and then it turns out that A. there are no other therapists available and B. she herself will have to end the therapy with me in a few months. She said that it has nothing to do with our falling out but rather with the fact that the clinic has recently started putting pressure on her and on my psychiatrist to start letting go of older cases to take in new ones because it’s a free governmental program and not private… and there are long waiting lists with other people that need to get in. She said I might be able to make a new application in about 2 years to get on a waiting list but it’s not certain that I’ll get in.

Right now I feel at a loss both because I don’t know what to do without therapy and because of her statement that she doesn’t think my problem is even solvable. I’ve spent my entire adult life now trying to get somewhere in life and I’ve always believed in myself but she says that I just don’t have enough ego strength to get there.

I’m at a loss and I desperately don’t want to end up like my mother but I have no idea what to do and in a few months I won’t even have a therapist to consult with.

[Harri]

Hi justnothing.  It is good to have you back though I am sorry for the circumstances. 

Losing a therapist is so hard and I am sorry this is happening to you.   

Last time I talked to my therapist I had something of a falling out with her because she said that she doesn’t believe I’ll ever have enough strength to achieve anything in life, including getting another job or moving to a nearby city.

Ouch.  Is the way she talked to you out of character for her?  I'm not looking for an excuse or even a reason for her to speak this way, just trying to get a handle on her style.  Regardless, I can see how the message would hurt especially as it hits some deep fears.

While you see her over the next few months, I imagine she will help you with the transition?

Are there other sources for you to receive support so you have some in person help?  Perhaps AA groups or even a religious group that offers counseling?   What about online DBT therapy?  Have you tried that?

Sorry, I am just trying to brainstorm with you.  You have us here of course and i am hoping over the next few months we can find additional support for you.

Having deep fears triggered like that is so hard.  I am sorry this is happening just nothing.  14 years is such a long time and to know it will end is so difficult.   

[JNChell]

Hi, justnothing. I’d like to join Harri in welcoming you back. It’s good that you came here for support. 14 years is a very long time to be in therapy. Is your therapist a trauma specialist? I’m sorry that your therapist invalidated you in such a harsh way. I imagine that was quite a blow. IMHO, her words crossed the line of simply being invalidating.

You won’t be able to see her anymore in a few months. You want to continue therapy. Can you ask your current therapist for help in finding another therapist? A recommendation?

Your current therapist said that you lack ego strength? Did she explain that? What does that mean?

[Methuen]

 
Yowser.  I too am very sorry you are going through this.  

I think your counsellor was having a very bad day.  I suspect you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.  If a different client had been sitting where you were sitting, she would have said something similar to them.  The problem was HER.  NOT you.  I think you know this.  It sounds like she was in a negative headspace, and needs some time away from work.  What she said is not a fact or a truth, because she said it.  Don't go down the rabbit hole of believing it.  Just don't.  It would have been more helpful to her clients, if she had taken that day off work.  You've obviously worked hard, and put huge effort into bettering yourself.   Clearly you care about doing the best you can, which is so admirable!  That kind of effort and stamina (17 years) makes you awesome!

Like Harri, what she said begs the question, "was that out of character for her"?

While you mention there are no other therapists available, I wouldn't just take her word for that, especially with the negative head space she sounds like she was in.  I would explore finding another therapist, using any route or resources you can.   Do you have any other supports where you can ask about getting another therapist?  

[Maya L]

Just my first thought on this. Are you sure she is the right therapist for you right now anyway? I mean, I have no idea of course if she is or not, just putting the idea out there. I´m sure a lot she has done with you makes sense to you otherwise you would not have gone to see her all this time. But things can change as well. Would be interesting to hear your thoughts on this.

[TelHill]

Hi,

I'm sorry this happened to you.  One is always able to survive and thrive after an abusive upbringing.

 I had a similar situation. I saw someone for 13 years.  

She began to say inappropriate things to me, including screaming at me for one of our last sessions.  It was very disappointing and I thought I did something wrong. I gave it a good thinking over and realized I didn't. I left this person on my own.

People need money and have to work at the jobs even when they have personal and or medical problems that prevents them from being their professional selves.  

It turned me off from seeing therapists, to be honest. I started to meditate every day and read inspirational books. I'm a bit unusual in that these things helped me thrive better than therapy.

That's not for everyone, though. Keep looking for therapy in your area. Perhaps a private therapist can see you at a very reduced rate. Maybe this place you attend has a listing.   To tide you over, there is AA, as mentioned above, Al Anon, and Codependents Anonymous who have in person and online meetings.

Dr. David Burns, MD, who popularized Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in the 1980s through his book Feeling Good has a website with free weekly online meetings. He's a Professor Emeritus at Stanford University School of Medicine.  The website is called FeelingGood.com.  

These occurrences are bumps in the road of life.  I know you know this, but it's nice to hear it sometimes.

[justnothing]

As always thanks a lot for the replies, they mean a lot to me.

It isn’t really out of character for her to be blunt and even somewhat insensitive. It’s something I’ve learned to put up with over the years and most of the time I don’t even mind it since it means that I can sometimes be blunt with her and on many occasions we’ve exchanged friendly banter. However in this case I was more than a bit dismayed that she’d say what she did considering that this is my #1 biggest fear in life and in the past it was almost always the thing that drove me to consider and/or attempt suicide. Mind you, despite that, I can’t entirely dismiss the possibility that it might be true. For many years I’ve made many attempts at “becoming a successful person” and the end result is two degrees that I didn’t complete, four certificates that I did complete but either didn’t send out my resume’ or did send it to a few places and then gave up when I didn’t get answers, several short stories that I wrote but didn’t have the nerve to try to have them published and about 2 years in which I tried to learn to code… only to give up after I came across a series of problems that I wasn’t able to resolve on my own. About two years ago, once I came to terms with the fact that I couldn’t solve this problem on my own, I made an application (with the help of my therapist) to receive help from a program that’s designed to rehabilitate people with mental disability. I spent a year and a half with a case worker who tried to help me come up with an idea for a business and to take it off the ground. Almost all of that time was spent on coming up with new ideas and then changing my mind about them. When I finally came up with an idea and decided to stick with it my progress was very, very slow. Despite this the case worker told me that this was normal and that it’s OK to change my mind and that baby steps are better than no progress at all etc’. After a year and a half she had to leave because she found a new job but she said I could keep in touch and I was given a new case worker who also left after just a couple of months because she also had to transfer somewhere else (I’ll be getting a new one soon). In my last session with my therapist, from 2 days ago, she pointed this out and said that this was why she’d given up over the years on the idea that I can achieve anything and - when it comes to the case worker - she said that she thinks that I “manipulated her” into going easy on me instead of making me squeeze out results.

It’s possible that she’s frustrated with me because I haven’t done enough EMDR with her. Several years ago, when she first mentioned the possibility of trying EMDR therapy on me, she said that she wasn’t sure it would be safe because (according to her at the time) “EMDR isn’t a safe method to try on people with BPD” and that she “wouldn’t want to end up as a guest at my funeral”. So after hearing that I was like O-kay then so let’s just stick to good old talk therapy instead. A couple of years later she told me that she went to a seminar by a famous therapist (Dolores Mosquera) that taught her a new method for doing EMDR therapy with pwBPD and she was all excited about the idea of trying it on me, however I still had the “don’t want to show up at your funeral” association in mind and told her that I wasn’t interested. Another reason was that I felt that I’d made huge progress with talk therapy over the years and I didn’t want to replace it with something that sounded weird and new age-y to me. However she was (and still is) convinced that EMDR is the best and ultimate form of therapy and that a few years of it can produce better results than 20 years of talk therapy. Eventually last year she convinced me to try it instead of talk therapy. A few times I managed to do what she called a “good job” and those were generally very intense and draining experiences. Other times I wasn’t able to get into the process or got in but had too many mental blocks. One time she even got mad at me for not being able to quantify how strongly I felt about something on a scale of 1 to 10 and acted as though it was my fault.

On the day when I had a falling out with her, I started the session by telling her that I didn’t want to do EMDR that day because I was getting ready for a trip abroad just a few days later and I didn’t want to risk anything messing it up (I had been nervously preparing for that trip for months and EMDR had on a few occasions ruined my whole week) and she got annoyed with me for “always making excuses not to do EMDR”. Later on in the session I told her that in recent months I’ve, on the one hand, lost motivation to try to find new sources of income and have even started becoming a bit neglectful when it comes to by regular responsibilities at work - but on the other hand - I don’t care as much as I used to about achieving anything or even doing a good job at work. She asked if I thought that the change might have started since we started doing the EMDR and if it could be because of it. I said that it’s possible and she brightened up and said that that’s a good sign because I needed to come to terms with the fact that I don’t have enough ego-strength to achieve what I want in life and that as for my job, it would be better for me to preserve my strength than to try to be a perfectionist. Needless to say I was in shock and told her that if that’s true than I don’t want EMDR anymore because I don’t want to be OK with not doing a good job at work or not achieving anything in life. Apparently she took that to mean that I don’t want to do EMDR anymore at all, which isn’t true, I only said it because in that moment I thought it was messing me up but after thinking about it for a while I think the change probably has more to do with burn out due to issues at work.

Now that I only have a couple more months of therapy left, I’m now wondering if I missed a golden opportunity in the past few years to do EMDR and possibly “make a full recovery” which my therapist once said a few years of EMDR could achieve. I thought about this after she broke the news to me 2 days ago and I asked if she thought that I had at least made a lot of progress throughout the years. Her reply was “yes, but it was very slow”. I asked if that was entirely my fault and she said “of course, who else?” (hurray empathy). This was another blow because the one thing I’ve ever been able stay consistent about and dedicated more time and energy to than anything else in life was my own recovery and now according to her I didn’t do a good enough job even at that.


Mind you, even though this sounds depressing, I’m not as chocked up about it as I would have been a few years ago because one of the bits of progress I’ve made over the years is that I don’t need validation nearly as much as I used to. So even though I think she’s generally a good person whom I know genuinely cares about me and wants what’s best for me and worked hard to enable me so many more years of therapy than I was entitled to, which I’m extremely grateful for… I also think she’s a bit of an idiot and while she might have a point about me having low ego strength (I looked up the definition and I have to admit it sounds kind of right… I’d like to be able to read a lot more about it but for some reason Amazon and even Google itself produced zero results for “books to develop ego strength” or even “books about ego strength”) but that doesn’t mean she’s right in thinking that I’ll never be able to make changes or achieve anything. I’ve already achieved a lot at my job. I got promoted twice over the years and even though I’m showing signs of burnout my superiors seem to think I’m superwoman and just the other day two of them approached me asking that I be the head of a new project they want to start building next week and another approached me and asked that I do a presentation about something else next week to a group of colleagues. I pointed out to her that I never spoke in public before in my life and she was like “no worries, you’ll be great at it”. And you know what? I actually do think I’ll most likely do a good job for both these projects. I’ve done a good job several times before and got tons of praise for it both from superiors and even fellow colleagues. It’s just that I’m very slow.. and most of the time I’m very, very tired even though I’ve cut back so many hours from my schedule that I’m only working part time… and most of the time I think I’m terrible at my job no matter how much validation I get because of some unshakable core belief that I suck at everything I do (which is most likely the real reason why I can’t bring myself to do anything else).

Anyway sorry for yet another super long rant. For some reason I’ve always found it so much easier to rant on this forum than anywhere else on the internet (and btw it’s also helped me significantly more than anywhere else on the internet). As for other therapy options, from what my therapist said I’ll only be able to apply to get on a waiting list in about 2 years (I’ll double check that with my psychiatrist just to make sure but I suppose that’s most likely the case), I don’t think we have AA or religious meetings in my town (neither of which are my thing anyway), I’ve already done DBT for 2 years way way back when and I don’t think I need it anymore and as for paid, private therapy… I’m considering it… but only if I manage to find a therapist who’d be willing to take me on about once a month because I couldn’t really afford even a “cheap” one more often than that. I suppose I can also try online NLP and/or self help books (btw I’ve tried those before and my therapist said she found it funny that someone with my kind of problems thinks that self help books could be useful for me). I’ve also considered self administered EMDR but my therapist said it could be dangerous and I also read in different places online that messing around with that by yourself could potentially re-traumatize you… so I guess probably not… but I’m still kind of thinking about it.

And other than that… there’s also the possibility that I might not even need therapy that much anymore. I mean I still need it to make progress since I haven’t achieved all my goals, but I suppose that I most likely don’t need it for “survival”. I’ve been mostly stable for the past few years (even in the face of major health issues and the deaths of two best friends) and with much fewer meltdowns and the ones that I had I either dealt with myself or with with the help of people on hotlines. So I suppose it’ll most likely be OK even though it still feels like a big loss and I’ll probably need to go through a grieving period for a while.

[Harri]

Hi justnothing. 

Thanks for giving a better picture of how your T talks with you.  I am unsure how to respond to you here to be honest.  The comments your T has made over the years seem cruel and very much like a reflection of whatever she happened to be dealing with that day... her own stuff.  I am a fan of being direct and even firm but I think she crossed the line.  I know none of that really helps you though.  It is still a loss after 14 years of working with her and I think anyone would feel it and grieve.

It sounds like you really have made progress over the years.  It also sounds like you do not give in easily and are quite dedicated to treatment and healing and I am glad to read that.  While we may not be the same as in person help and none of us are therapists we can certainly help you and support you here. 

Why would you want to leave the job you have?  It sounds like you are really good at it and even excel there.   What would you prefer to do? 

BTW, I do remember you from several years ago and always liked chatting with you since.  The best way to use this board and site as a source of support is with regular posting of both your own stuff and to others.  We have had people with BPD work here on their relationships with their pwBPD but also to help with their own healing and recovery.   You have a lot of insight and wisdom to share and maybe we can help each other.  So I guess what I am saying is, stick around. 

[justnothing]

Thanks for giving a better picture of how your T talks with you.  I am unsure how to respond to you here to be honest.  The comments your T has made over the years seem cruel and very much like a reflection of whatever she happened to be dealing with that day... her own stuff.  I am a fan of being direct and even firm but I think she crossed the line.  I know none of that really helps you though.  It is still a loss after 14 years of working with her and I think anyone would feel it and grieve.

Thanks and no worries about not knowing how to respond, it’s not really a big issue it’s just the way she is and I know it’s not personal against me, in fact she’s probably a lot nicer to me than she is to other people. One time she told me that she once called another patient a nutcase to her face and when the woman started yelling at her she threw her out and was glad that she didn’t come back. Another time the secretary messed up in some way (I don’t remember how) and my therapist said (when the secretary was still in earshot) “oh don’t mind her, she’s an idiot and going to be replaced soon” and I said “you know she might still hear you” and she was like “that’s fine” and I was like “just so we’re clear… I’m the one with BPD and you’re the one who’s suppose to teach me normative social skills?” and she was like “yep”. And she also once mentioned that she enjoys abusing customer service people and also that it’s OK because “they deserve it”. But that being said, it’s only one side of her (and also I think anyone can sound horrible if you make a compilation of all the worst things they ever said or did) and in reality it wasn’t an issue 99% of the time. Most of the time she was nice and supportive and she told me once that I’m her favorite patient (and also my psychiatrists favorite patient, which surprised me quite a bit). And the fact remains that she let me stay in her care for 14 years even though most of the time patients only get 1 or 2 years of treatment regardless of what kind of disorders they have because there isn’t enough time and resources to go around. And besides, I’ve had worse, the therapist that came before her spent two years doing nothing but staring at me with a completely dead expression on her face and every so often asking “so how did that make you feel?”. And anyway, tbh, it’s not so much my therapist whom I’m afraid of losing (not that I’ll even necessarily lose her completely because she once told me she wouldn’t mind if we stayed in touch someday after therapy ended), but rather therapy itself since I’ve spent almost my entire adult life in it and I’m not sure what it’ll be like now without it. I did take a two year break at one point when I went to college and during that time I think I did make some progress on my own (or at least up to the point where I got burnt out, quite, sank into depression and came crawling back into therapy).

It sounds like you really have made progress over the years.  It also sounds like you do not give in easily and are quite dedicated to treatment and healing and I am glad to read that.  While we may not be the same as in person help and none of us are therapists we can certainly help you and support you here. 

Thanks a lot, I appreciate it.

Why would you want to leave the job you have?  It sounds like you are really good at it and even excel there.   What would you prefer to do? 

Well the thing is that for one thing, despite the promotions, it’s still technically considered an entry level job and not one that really goes anywhere. It’s also very, very nitche and while it requires a lot of knowledge it is literally the only place in the entire country in which that knowledge is needed (well technically it’s information that we provide to people calling in from all over the country but we’re the only ones who are certified to do it). So while I’m considered one of the experts, my expertise isn’t required anywhere else but there - in that one company, in that one location in this one town… which on the one hand has the advantage of really, really low rent and on the other hand the disadvantage of not having any other advantages. The things that keep me stuck here are the fear of not being able to afford the rent anywhere else and the fact that I don’t have job experience doing anything else (and btw there are virtually no other places of employment in this town) and the fear that I won’t be able to do anything else since I don’t even feel competent in this job despite what everyone tells me… and the fact that over the years I’ve had to cut back my hours significantly due to exhaustion that seems to only be getting worse over time and I don’t think I could handle any other job that’s not part time… but on the other hand I’m in my mid 30’s now and I know that the longer I stay in this circumstance the likelier it is that I’ll end up being stuck in it forever. As for what I’d prefer to do… that’s the million dollar question that I’ve been grappling with since I was a teenager and after having considered virtually every profession on Earth I’m just as clueless as I was on day one. The only option that I keep coming back to, simply because it’s the only one that sounds vaguely within the realm of possibility is maybe secretary work… but even when it comes to that I have my doubts that I’d qualify.

BTW, I do remember you from several years ago and always liked chatting with you since.  The best way to use this board and site as a source of support is with regular posting of both your own stuff and to others.  We have had people with BPD work here on their relationships with their pwBPD but also to help with their own healing and recovery.   You have a lot of insight and wisdom to share and maybe we can help each other.  So I guess what I am saying is, stick around.  

Thank you, I remember you too and other people who were always very nice to me here. If it’s OK with you I reckon I can make a point of sticking around for a while longer… but just so you know I’m really, really, really not good when it comes to anything that has anything to do with getting close to people and even more so when it comes to staying in touch (and this is true even for most of the people whom I dearly care about irl) and basically I’m a textbook Hermit and the only people I’ve ever managed to not eventually become avoidant with are schizoids and other Hermits (and back when I was more codependent also people who appeared to need me.. but I’m kind of passed that stage in my life) so please don’t be offended if I’m inconsistent when it comes to posting, replying or even being here…
Other than that I have to admit that I kind of always assumed that it wouldn’t be OK for me to deal with issues that weren’t either directly or indirectly related to my mom or ex bf on this forum… and even more so I assumed it would be especially inappropriate to deal with BPD related issues here because I was under the impression that some members might find it triggering. But if you say it’s OK then thanks… and again I very much appreciate it (but never the less please feel free to let me know if I ever say anything inappropriate anyway). Mind you I’m not really sure that I even have all that much to say about BPD itself anymore, partly because I think I’m recovered from a large part of it, partly because I don’t even remember the bits that I recovered from all that well, and partly because I spent so many years dealing with this one subject that it frankly got kind of boring. But, that being said, if I can still help anyone with some advice and support I’d be happy to (when I’m not being avoidant that is).

[JNChell]

Hi, justnothing.

she once called another patient a nutcase to her face and when the woman started yelling at her she threw her out and was glad that she didn’t come back. Another time the secretary messed up in some way (I don’t remember how) and my therapist said (when the secretary was still in earshot) “oh don’t mind her, she’s an idiot and going to be replaced soon”

This is not a therapist that you should be seeing anymore. When S4’s mom and I were seeking therapy,  I let his mom pick the therapist. This “therapist” paused sessions so she could take phone calls because she was trying to sell her house. The “therapist” you’ve been seeing isn’t a good fit for you. Let’s look at it from a logical standpoint. If she was good for you, the lot of us wouldn’t be having this discussion. 14 years is a lot of work and I commend you on sticking to it. You fulfilled your part of the agreement between yourself and your therapist.

Unfortunately, not all therapists are good therapists. We’re pretty consistent here. Stick with us, keep posting. We’re all here to heal and this community does a good job at achieving that. Be a regular participant here. Not just when crisis hits. We’re always here.

[Methuen]

Hi Justnothing ,

After reading your last post, I would like to revise my earlier post where I suggested your therapist may have had a bad day and should have stayed home.  I would like to revise that, to suggesting she needs a full-on leave of absence.  The fact that she is nicer to you than other people does not make what sounds like unprofessional and negative messages towards a client okay.  I suspect you already know that.  Her news to you that her therapy would be ending would have come as a shock.  Your reaction to that loss (after 14 years) is pretty normal.  Probably feels like the rug is being pulled from under you.  But maybe the silver lining is that you will move on and won't be subjected to any of her negative messaging anymore.   It sounds like there was good along with the not so good, and clearly you feel you made progress over 14 years with her, but she sounds like she could be suffering from burnout.
   As for thinking about changing jobs, maybe consider baby steps?  Losing or changing T is already one change.  Maybe don't try another change until the dust settles after this one?  Or maybe "dabble" in a new hobby or activity...or some other "wellness activity" IF you are desiring something new.  Take your time, and don't pressure yourself.  Let this adjustment happen in its own time.  Meanwhile, enjoy lots of time for self-care.