Working through some old trauma.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi guys!

Nice to be back here after a small break. I´ve been in therapy for about a year now talking a lot about my childhood.

I feel that I need to share some emotions and memories with someone who would understand, so here it goes. Read and comment if you want to. Maybe you have been through stuff too.



My parents split up when I was around 5 y old because my father got together with this other woman. My mom later on developed bpd (undiagnosed except by my T). Now, this other woman, lets call her OW, totally hated me and my mom. I went to stay with my dad and her regularly on weekends. My dad and OW quickly had children together and one of them got quite sick and ended up in the hospital. Now OW blamed my mom for sending me to stay with them when my sibling was just a baby and I had a cold. But we found out at the doctor that I did not even had the same illness as my sibling anyway. Still in OWs eyes, my mom deliberately tried to kill my sibling. Yes, what a murder plot, send a kid with a common cold to "kill" an innocent baby.

Tension grew between my parents and one day when I was around 7 or 8 y old my mom dropped me off at my dads place, she did not even walk me to the door as she never did, (my parents refused to even talk to each other or see each other) but she waited in the car to see that I got safely inside. Then suddenly the OW walks to the car and starts to strangle my mom, whom she had never even met. My stepdad rushed from the driver´s side and pulled her off my mom. I was then in my dads house and had no idea, all I knew was that OW had asked if my mom was outside in the car (off course I would later blame myself for answering yes). Then my dad comes and tells me that I have to go out to the car and go back home. I was surprised as I had just arrived and was supposed to stay the weekend. Then when I get to the car I see my poor mom crying hysterically with wounds on her throat after this woman´s nails. We go home, the police comes and takes a report.

Later there is a trial and my mom wins, but OW gets no real punishment since it was her first offence. My mom tries to get a restraining order towards me, but the court denies it, because it would make it hard for my dad to see me. Like that´s my problem! I had to go to stay at their house regularly for weekends and was treated like a second hand person. My siblings there had all they ever wanted, my dad did not buy me things or gave my anything I wanted for a long time. Looking back I feel like I was a foster kid. I knew that she hated me, she called my mom a whore and said I was the same during one drunken evening. My dad heard it but it was their friend who came and comforted me. My dad let other emotional abuse happen too during those times. One memory that especially pains me is that in my mind she tried to kill my mom and hated me equally so I had to figure out what to do if she attacked me, I thought of where the kitchen knives were and how I would run to get them if she tried to kill me. It was simple survival thinking, what do I do if she tries to kill me. No kid should have to ever have those thoughts.

Things got a bit better over time, partly because I put my foot down when I was in my mid-teens and did not visit for a year. My dad gave me money and stuff and spent quality time with me. Then a few years ago her attitude changed again and I saw what she was really like, she had not really changed, it was all superficial and my dad did what he always did, made excuses and pretended like nothing had happened. Now my dad thinks we should all fix it and that I should come and visit them for days in a row (I live super far away and am only in the area few weeks per year). There is no way I would stay in their house. What if she kills me.. I could not protect the little girl like they government should have, or my dad even, how could he stay with that person? I´m so angry with him, even though I also know that he is the only one that could be a real parent to me, since my mom has ubpd and she does not know how to be one. My dad was the best before my parents separated and I know he wants to be a good dad, he is the kindest person, too kind, which is the problem. I know he must grief over this a lot and now we have this kind of superficial relationship because I don´t know what to do, I can´t get too close, especially to her.

I am feeling sympathy for that little girl who was so afraid all those times that she had to think of how to literately survive. I´m also mourning the fact that the one who could have been my real parent, with my mom lacking because of bpd, allowed himself to get stolen by the OW. Well, I guess my siblings had a proper dad, good for them (I don´t hate my siblings, non of it is their fault, they are good people). Sometimes I wish that she had strangled me instead of my mom, then maybe she would have gotten the restraining order and people would have understood.

I´m considering confronting my dad about this. My T thinks I should. Don´t know what to do, except not accepting anymore abuse of course.

Thanks for listening. It helps to "tell someone" who have been through similar things and understands the emotions. 

[Maya L]

Hi guys!

Nice to be back here after a small break. I´ve been in therapy for about a year now talking a lot about my childhood.

I feel that I need to share some emotions and memories with someone who would understand, so here it goes. Read and comment if you want to. Maybe you have been through stuff too.



My parents split up when I was around 5 y old because my father got together with this other woman. My mom later on developed bpd (undiagnosed except by my T). Now, this other woman, lets call her OW, totally hated me and my mom. I went to stay with my dad and her regularly on weekends. My dad and OW quickly had children together and one of them got quite sick and ended up in the hospital. Now OW blamed my mom for sending me to stay with them when my sibling was just a baby and I had a cold. But we found out at the doctor that I did not even had the same illness as my sibling anyway. Still in OWs eyes, my mom deliberately tried to kill my sibling. Yes, what a murder plot, send a kid with a common cold to "kill" an innocent baby.

Tension grew between my parents and one day when I was around 7 or 8 y old my mom dropped me off at my dads place, she did not even walk me to the door as she never did, (my parents refused to even talk to each other or see each other) but she waited in the car to see that I got safely inside. Then suddenly the OW walks to the car and starts to strangle my mom, whom she had never even met. My stepdad rushed from the driver´s side and pulled her off my mom. I was then in my dads house and had no idea, all I knew was that OW had asked if my mom was outside in the car (off course I would later blame myself for answering yes). Then my dad comes and tells me that I have to go out to the car and go back home. I was surprised as I had just arrived and was supposed to stay the weekend. Then when I get to the car I see my poor mom crying hysterically with wounds on her throat after this woman´s nails. We go home, the police comes and takes a report.

Later there is a trial and my mom wins, but OW gets no real punishment since it was her first offence. My mom tries to get a restraining order towards me, but the court denies it, because it would make it hard for my dad to see me. Like that´s my problem! I had to go to stay at their house regularly for weekends and was treated like a second hand person. My siblings there had all they ever wanted, my dad did not buy me things or gave my anything I wanted for a long time. Looking back I feel like I was a foster kid. I knew that she hated me, she called my mom a whore and said I was the same during one drunken evening. My dad heard it but it was their friend who came and comforted me. My dad let other emotional abuse happen too during those times. One memory that especially pains me is that in my mind she tried to kill my mom and hated me equally so I had to figure out what to do if she attacked me, I thought of where the kitchen knives were and how I would run to get them if she tried to kill me. It was simple survival thinking, what do I do if she tries to kill me. No kid should have to ever have those thoughts.

Things got a bit better over time, partly because I put my foot down when I was in my mid-teens and did not visit for a year. My dad gave me money and stuff and spent quality time with me. Then a few years ago her attitude changed again and I saw what she was really like, she had not really changed, it was all superficial and my dad did what he always did, made excuses and pretended like nothing had happened. Now my dad thinks we should all fix it and that I should come and visit them for days in a row (I live super far away and am only in the area few weeks per year). There is no way I would stay in their house. What if she kills me.. I could not protect the little girl like they government should have, or my dad even, how could he stay with that person? I´m so angry with him, even though I also know that he is the only one that could be a real parent to me, since my mom has ubpd and she does not know how to be one. My dad was the best before my parents separated and I know he wants to be a good dad, he is the kindest person, too kind, which is the problem. I know he must grief over this a lot and now we have this kind of superficial relationship because I don´t know what to do, I can´t get too close, especially to her.

I am feeling sympathy for that little girl who was so afraid all those times that she had to think of how to literately survive. I´m also mourning the fact that the one who could have been my real parent, with my mom lacking because of bpd, allowed himself to get stolen by the OW. Well, I guess my siblings had a proper dad, good for them (I don´t hate my siblings, non of it is their fault, they are good people). Sometimes I wish that she had strangled me instead of my mom, then maybe she would have gotten the restraining order and people would have understood.

I´m considering confronting my dad about this. My T thinks I should. Don´t know what to do, except not accepting anymore abuse of course.

Thanks for listening. It helps to "tell someone" who have been through similar things and understands the emotions. 

[JNChell]

Hi, Maya L. Welcome back. This sounds like quite an ordeal. Good on you for bringing it here to sort out for yourself.

My mom later on developed bpd (undiagnosed except by my T)

BPD typically has already manifested in adolescence. What are your thoughts? You mentioned that your T diagnosed her later on. How much of a time span are we talking here? Has your T had a sit down with your mom?

I’m so sorry that you had to go through things like this. This is one post, so I know there’s more. That’s why we’re all here.

Based on your account, the stepmom is a very toxic and dangerous person.

Why did your mom try to get a restraining order against you? Bio mom, or step mom?

I agree with your T. Confront your dad, but be prepared to not hear what you hope to. Big hug. You’ve got this.

[once removed]

I´m considering confronting my dad about this

what would you want to say? what would you want to hear?

[Maya L]

Thank you for reading and your replies, it means a lot to talk it out!

JNChell:
 Well, probably my mom had BPD earlier too but more dormant, it started to show when I became a teen. She did not have a great childhood either. My T has not seen her, but from what I have told him about her his opinion is that she has BPD, and he does not like to put diagnoses on people in general. She was maybe never a real loving and caring mom as I see some other kids have, but she did not lash out much until my teen years. Although, she is not a bad person in her core, she’s just had it ruff and don’t know how to relate to other people and how be a good mom. She acts out her bpd feelings because she feels forced by those feelings. Like if I sighed when she asked me to do the dishes or said something in the wrong tone she would take it as if I would have said that I hated her and I was gonna run away. So she would not speak to me for days and might give me lots of threats of restrictions and/or direct restrictions of activities, like forbade me to watch tv, go outside or meet friends for a week or two.

I meant that my mom tried to get a restraining order against my dads partner, regarding me, so I would not have to see her, since his partner was a danger to me. But sadly the government said no since it would make it hard for my dad to see me. I wished they would have forbidden my dad’s partner to come near me though, I was so afraid of her and she did not treat me well in many ways growing up.

Thanks for the encouragement! 


Once removed:
I would want to tell him how I felt as a kid, how afraid I was and that I would have needed him as he could have been the parent I did not have with my mom. I don't think he has any idea that I even had a bad relationship with my mom since I always stood up for her towards him (and vice verse, both parents probably though I favored the other one). I needed him like he was before they separated, a real dad, my T and I discussed that maybe because I had my dad closer up until I was 5 helped me to be as good as I am today, because my T was a bit surprised that I did not have more problems than I do with my mom being like she is. The attachment to my dad when I was really young might have covered up where my mom was lacking at the time.

I did once talk about some of it after a major incident and my dad’s answer was mostly a silent shame, like he did not know what to say. I asked him if she made him happy (she also destroyed relationships with other family members) and he was silent about it. But I think mostly what I want out of the conversation is to tell him what I expect of him now, to be treated the same as his other children. Because he sometimes goes along with her in mistreating me, to keep the peace. Like after the last incident, he said that “they were low on keys to the house” and I had to return mine. And the main incident that time was about her saying that my husband staying at their house for a few days was a strain on their food budget and and my dad avoided to defend me (They are not poor at all and he makes 2-4 times more money than her I would think) (their kids have their partners over ALL the time). I would want to set some boundaries on how I want to be treated and also try to give him some tools to do so. I think he is afraid of conflict and tries to either avoid it or have a very lengthy discussion about it to try to reason with her when all he needs to do really is to say in a kind way to her that he wants this or that for his daughter and he has decided so, or say that he has saved up to do so or whatever, I think she might even listen o that. (I think she needs him to live the comfortable life too that they have, so why protest against him. He has a good paid high-status job, she does not have to work and he does most of the housework since her illness limits her.) I want him to know also why I won’t stay at their house again, that it is for my protection, because I don’t feel safe with her at all, I don’t ever want to feel that unsafe again. Like dinner is fine, but I don’t want to go to bed wondering if I’ll be stabbed during the night (ok, maybe I won’t say that last part, ).

I would want him to acknowledge that he should have done differently and that he will change from now on.

Thank you for the thought provoking questions!



-Sorry if my words and grammar is a bit off at times, my English is not perfect.

[once removed]

i would encourage you to think about a few things if you go this route (confronting him)

my dad’s answer was mostly a silent shame, like he did not know what to say.

it can be very hard to know what to say, and the instinct is often to be defensive, or to say nothing.

if you are right that he has difficulty with confrontation, you will be confronting him with something of serious magnitude, and it would be overwhelming for anyone. at least initially, you may not get the response you are hoping for.

I would want to set some boundaries on how I want to be treated and also try to give him some tools to do so.
...
But I think mostly what I want out of the conversation is to tell him what I expect of him now

its important to communicate our boundaries to others, but sometimes we can communicate these types of things without words, but with actions...in other words, to show him what you expect, rather than demand it.

I think he is afraid of conflict and tries to either avoid it or have a very lengthy discussion about it to try to reason with her when all he needs to do really is to say in a kind way to her that he wants this or that for his daughter and he has decided so, or say that he has saved up to do so or whatever, I think she might even listen o that

i think that if you are expecting to change the dynamics between him and his wife, that is likely a losing battle. those dynamics are complex, theyre also probably pretty well established. to tell him how to respond to his wife is really to put yourself in the middle...an impossible place for a son or daughter to be.

I want him to know also why I won’t stay at their house again, that it is for my protection, because I don’t feel safe with her at all,

this is perfectly reasonable, both in action, and to communicate to him.

a member here once said that good boundaries are about having a relationship that is safe, and works. if that means having dinner, but not staying in their home, that may be what is safe and works.

does that make sense?

[Maya L]

It does make sense. Thank you once removed for your detailed reply! I truly appreciate your input.

I think I do need to think a bit more and plan before this kind of conversation with my dad. Even though there are a lot of things I would like to say it is not that easy and it's better to make a plan of what could work.

In my dreamworld I would want to change their dynamics, but I realize that it's not that easy. I think you are right in that it must be deeply ingrained. Although, I think he could stand up to her, but probably by his own motivation, like if she finally did something that tipped him over the edge (even though something should have done so a long time ago). Well, there's always hope.

Good thought about showing boundaries at times without explaining it. It can be enough in some situations.