Part 2: She is already with someone else and said she doesn’t want to be with me anymore

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Mod Note:  Part 1 of this thread is here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339605.0;all

I don’t understand she use to think I was the best thing that ever happened to her and I know I was there for her in ways and loved her in ways no one ever has she would always tell me that...maybe that was the problem? Maybe she had to start feeling herself more and feelings she doesn’t want to face in herself and had to project them on to me or blame them as the cause? She has been in therapy since last February after a long lay off of years...WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING IN THERE? I think her therapist enabled her as well and legitimized her black and white thinking of me and her “lack of trust in me” My GF would say that  something doesn’t feel right between us and she can’t keep going against her gut...what that she has to face herself and being herself to the relationship? She always said we need to meet in the middle...but she never did that...if I needed her when she didn’t want to needed or seen...how I felt didn’t matter...and I was selfish and needy...but I saw terror even at the end of me leaving... At some point I will write out a journal entry she read to me and sent to me...I want to know what you all think of it

[Shanel2515]

Mod Note:  Part 1 of this thread is here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339605.0;all

I don’t understand she use to think I was the best thing that ever happened to her and I know I was there for her in ways and loved her in ways no one ever has she would always tell me that...maybe that was the problem? Maybe she had to start feeling herself more and feelings she doesn’t want to face in herself and had to project them on to me or blame them as the cause? She has been in therapy since last February after a long lay off of years...WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING IN THERE? I think her therapist enabled her as well and legitimized her black and white thinking of me and her “lack of trust in me” My GF would say that  something doesn’t feel right between us and she can’t keep going against her gut...what that she has to face herself and being herself to the relationship? She always said we need to meet in the middle...but she never did that...if I needed her when she didn’t want to needed or seen...how I felt didn’t matter...and I was selfish and needy...but I saw terror even at the end of me leaving... At some point I will write out a journal entry she read to me and sent to me...I want to know what you all think of it

[Shanel2515]

She was the love of my life and she said that to me and that she had never been in love before me and she was married 11 years and now she is just someone I used to know.

[Shanel2515]

I thought I met someone who valued the healing power of relationship...she talked such a good game...and that is where  I got so fooled by her...she seemed so aware and wanting to deeply know herself and feel...and then would be like NO this is overwhelming...not her feelings...you are Shane...I don’t feel this way you do...but I could accept the places in her and me that felt broken and I wanted us to help heal and love each other in those places and see it in ourselves and love ourselves more too...and it seemed that was happening and then she would just turn her back on me and project and blame...it is tragic because I would of never loved her...if she could ofbjust stayed and moved a little towards herself...for Christ sake...she accused me of not being spiritual...I think you can all see how passionate and soulful and intuitive I am just through what I have written...I use to share these lyrics that I thought were so Poignant to facing trauma or shame in oneself and how it feels to bring more of yourself to someone else because it would bring healing and acceptance and love to both people...and I thought they were Descriptive of how she felt in here family and how I would be there but also how it felt with her that she would push me away when I felt I could hold her and be there for her the most...in a way that she emotionally rely on

Dream Theater

Scarred

To Rise, To Fall.
To Hurt, To Hate.
To Want, To Wait.
To Heal, To Save.
Can't hear it

We fear it
Awareness won't come near it
Distractive
Reactive
Disguised in spite of time

I never bared my emotion
My passion always strong
I never lost my devotion
But somewhere fate went wrong

Can't let them rape me again
Your venom's not family here
Won't let them fill me with
Fatalistic remedies

What if the rest of the world
Was hopelessly blinded by fear?
Where would my sanctity live?
Suddenly nobody cares.

It's never enough
You're wasting your time
Isn't there something I could say?

You don't understand
You're closing me out
How can we live our lives this way?

You tell me I'm wrong
I'm risking my life
Still, I have nothing in return
I show you my hands
You don't see the scars
Maybe you'll leave me here to burn.

What if the rest of the world
Was hopelessly drowning in vain?
Where would our self pity run?
Suddenly everyone cares.

Blood
Heal me
Fear
Change me
Belief will always save me
Blood
Swearing
Fear
Staring
Conviction made aware

Give up on misery
Turn your back on dissent
Leave their distrust behind
Wash your hands of regret

Do you feel you don't know me anymore?
And do you feel I'm afraid of your love?
And how come you don't want me asking?
And how come my heart's not invited?
You say you want everyone happy
Well, we're not laughing.

And how come you don't understand me?
And how come I don't understand you?
Thirty years say we're in this together
So open your eyes.

People in prayer for me
Everyone there for me
Sometimes I feel I should face this alone
My soul exposed
It calms me to know that I won't

Blood
Heal me
Fear
Change me
Belief will always save me
Blood
Swearing
Fear
Staring
Conviction made aware

Give up on misery
Turn your back on dissent
Leave their distrust behind
Wash your hands of regret

Blood
Heal me
Fear
Change me
Belief will always save me
Blood
Swearing
Fear
Staring
Conviction made aware

Learning from misery
Staring back at dissent
Leaving distrust behind
I'm inspired and content

[ColdKnight]

What are some specific things you would do different and what effect do you suppose that would have had on her?

[Shanel2515]

What is hard is she was aware of her bpd and told me it was one of her diagnosis and was open sometimes with me about a lot of the things she saw she did….the splitting and thinking I had ulterior motives for loving her….and I saw these very dissociative states and an almost psychotic paranoia sometimes…But when something would happen and she got triggering that all flew out the window and I was all on me..it is just so confounding….She would kick me out her house and give me the silent treatment….which drove crazy in a way I never felt before….I have never felt so abandoned and scared….I am afraid of my own feelings though and I ashamed I pushed too hard out of my own trauma….I fear if I could hold myself better maybe things would get better….but I suppose I would have to be perfect….and not have hurt of my own and I guess I had no limits or boundaries of my own that I let violate me so often….but I wonder and worry if I did and could just walk away and be like “fine Beth let me know when you are ready to talk”….but it always felt like a no win situation….when I did stand up for myself she either felt pushed away and gave her reason to protect herself and push away or if I stood up for my needs and she wasn’t wanting to see what I needed in the moment she felt engulfed and didn’t even seem concerned with how I felt and then….if I felt lonely or scared or not connected….then she told me I couldn’t “hold” my feelings or put them aside….why did I have to put my needs….aside….why wouldn’t she be interested in how I www.felt….it (www.felt….it) just felt like she had no empathy….and would turn it around on me as I was this horrible person because I needed and wanted her….yes I can be difficult…sometimes very……I have my own broken child….but I could say I am scared and how I wanted and needed her until it just felt like she wanted me to go away….then I would get triggered in my fear….but she did nothing to help me….nothing to say baby I am here….I love you….if she did I would of been calm….even when she “tried” which I could count on two hands … it sometimes felt  “false” l I gave you this sorta now shut up and stop making me feel parts of me I can’t or don’t want to….I would see this with her daughter were she couldn’t be truly emotionally available….god I loved her….I wish I could of been there because I know I could give that to her and I think that bothered her a little…I guess I felt very set up by her because she would say…just tell me what you need and how you feel and not protect yourself so much and when I did then she would smack me hard…I changed my whole life for her…I mean I was terrified and she couldn’t even help with it…I was separated…living in a hotel…I felt so isolated because she lived 40 miles away and I drove every night to see her…but when I need her a night where she wanted her own time…look out even if I just wanted to talk for a bit and just know she was there because I was going through something….she made me feel like I was smothering her…not that I couldn’t be that way sometimes but she could tried to be there for me too but she seemed to love my vulnerability and my sensitivity (which she told me she loved about me the most) when it suited her and the rest of the time it was annoying to her…and could be so dismissive and mean and downright cruel.

[Shanel2515]

I thought we were soulmates and she said so much to me about herself and then just started pushing away...telling me it didn’t feel right because I would get hurt and angry and frustrated...but never did I really feel like she was really emotionally present to feel with and “ask Shane how do you feel do you feel like I am here with you” I never felt like she really wanted to know it more felt like she when asked it was to ensure I didn’t touch her in certain places in herself...but I still feel like so much I could of handled differently...but I guess that is how much I already gave up in myself to make the relationship work at all...it was so wonderful in so many ways and so tragic and horrible in others and I wanted to bring both sides together and grow but for her everything had to be wonderful...but what made it so confusing is she could “talk” so well like she was so aware and adjusted and so Adept at making me feel horrible for needing, making me feel like I was some sort of abusive person for wanting a “hug and a kiss” needing to talk sometimes...no I couldn’t shut off my feelings or my need for the connection and yes I suppose I was so focused on us after a while I had nothing else and felt I had to keep my eye on the relationship constantly or she would leave or shut down at any moment...it took all of my energy...she told me she could turn her feelings on and off...and just leave people and she did it to me constantly...I became absolutely terrified and terrorized and then again she would blame everything on me...or that I was violating her and then there was this complete “mess of a person” in the middle of it sometimes...I don’t even know anymore...it was and is crazy making...and if she could of just been able to do and feel a bit more it would of been so different...but there is still a part of me who is afraid here attacks and ideas of me are right that I am this immature, selfish, angry, insecure, controlling person is right...and a part of me knows that is ridiculous...can I act that way? Yes under extreme circumstances...and when I feel completely left and abandoned and uncared for and vilified in the black and white absolute was she did...when she didn’t I would always try to hear her and listen because I loved her and I wanted her to feel heard and loved and understood but it was never really mutual she never wanted to know me and never really loved me...and that is what truly breaks my heart.

[Shanel2515]

But I am afraid of the emptiness inside of me and how completely her and her daughter filled it part of that was I was so happy with her in so many ways and having her daughter and her daughters friends...we were building a family or so I thought...but now I am left with my own emptiness which has always been there as well as my own self hatred and insecurities where she always knew exactly where to hit and punch...

[Shanel2515]

Is anyone still here?

[once removed]

yes.

it might be a good idea right now to set aside ideas of what you could or couldnt have done better.

when i was going through it myself, that was impossible for several months.

there were three things that really helped me the most.

the first was to join in the threads of others. it will help you to feel more connected, and it will build your support system. a strong support system is really critical, and this place was my life line. members really like the give and take...we help each other.

the second was to address my mental state. i was having a very difficult time, perhaps the hardest i ever have. can you take the test here, and share your results: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772

the third was to work the Stages of Detachment. they made for a really excellent roadmap in my grieving process, when my self esteem was crashing. it gave me a good measure of my progress, and what i could expect. the stages of abandonment helped a great deal, too...i related to them a bit more than the stages of grief, which can be all over the place.

the three of them (stages of grief, abandonment, and detachment) are here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331263#msg1331263

do they gave you some insight into where you are in this process?

[Shanel2515]

I scored a 69 on the test how ironic...that was one of her favorite things to do in bed...and I am not sure I can set aside what I could of done differently because of my own guilt and shame which is what she always seemed to use against me..I sometimes would enact my feels instead of just talking...I am not a good self soother and I have a very bad fear of abandonment myself...especially when I felt her pushing away or needed her “space”...and it would really annoy her when I would get scared or need reassurance from her...but with all that happened how could I not need reassurance from her with all the break ups and her pushing away all the time...I was scared to death...but yes it is part of me...and that is where I feel shamed...or maybe how I chased her away?  But she never really seemed to care how I felt scared or lonely or needing her...a lot of the time it felt very dismissive even when she tried ...or worse would or worse would turn it on on me and make me feel more ashamed...when I was being so open about my vulnerabilities...and she said she new what they were and could see them...and if that was the case then why was so mean and cruel and hurt me in them instead of reaching for me and ever trying to comfort and assure me...when she new I was so scared and WHY...she never asked me how she could be more there for me or even how I felt or what I needed except in a way that basically said “please don’t ask this of me” it always felt...because when I would really share what I needed and ask for it it seemed to be thrown back at me that it was too much and I needed too much and this was my work that had to be done and she couldn’t have this in her life...when I just wanted to know she was there...and sometimes it felt like she wasn’t and I am starting to feel that was most of the time. But I am afraid that I am partly to blame because of my vulnerability and openness...I don’t hide these things or try to play them off ...only sometimes when I feel ashamed or feel like someone doesn’t really want to listen or feel with me and that is what it felt like...

[Shanel2515]

What I feel so set up by her...is she was so vulnerable in so many ways...or seemed to be and always wanted me to be and told me she wanted me to just be able to tell her how I felt and be open with my vulnerability and she said how beautiful it was and then would end up using against me all the time...so then I would get angry, betrayed and hurt sometimes and then I was wrong there too...because then I was like her dad...it felt like a no win situation...omg I just started to cry...I loved her and I wanted her to really love me in these places she said she did and would...but just like the end...she just would judge me and tell me I was these “things” as a person in these black and white ways...and I can’t wrap my head around...she just kept going after me about being possessive and controlling when she did so much to undermine my confidence in myself and relationship instead of trying to see “how do I (Beth) contributions to this dynamic...I mean Jesus...the break ups, the tinder, the looking at other guys...the splitting, her thinking I have ulterior motives for loving her...her telling me to be open and honest with my feelings then using them against me or and the push/pull stuff...I couldn’t ever feel settled...yes, there is and wounded and scared little boy in me who is insecure and scared but it seemed like she never wanted to take care of me there in any way

[Shanel2515]

I am so embarrassed of my own self absorption and in my pain and I am afraid I just deserved this somehow 

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Shane-

No, you did NOT deserve to be treated in a dismissive manner by your exGF. 

No, you did NOT deserve to have your exGF actively behave in ways that created feelings of insecurity in you.  I cannot think of ANY relationship (or very few) that could withstand a partner actively going on dating apps (Tinder); blatantly looking at other men (very disrespectful); 10 breakups in 1.5 years.  Comparing you to a father she apparently disliked. 

All of these demeaning behaviors are abusive and would leave ANYONE questioning themselves and their self-worth.

However, it’s soon going to be time for you to ask yourself “WHY” was this behavior okay with you?  I am hoping that we’re getting to that time. 

My friend, you have punished yourself enough.  She did not deserve you.  She did NOT deserve you.

We often (myself included) enter and STAY in these relationships because there is something very wounded in us.  Something from long ago.  When the blinders are finally lifted from our eyes, and we begin to truly see what we did NOT receive from our ex-partners,  how truly cruelly we were treated most of the time, we CAN begin to heal our core wounds.  She would NEVER have been able to do this for you.  Her focus had always been on herself.  You see that.

You have acknowledged your fears in many of your posts... fears of abandonment; insecurities, etc.  these are NOT your fault.  No.  These were instilled in you a long time ago... but now can be your time to overcome these bad feelings.  I know you want that.  What are you willing to do to help yourself achieve a more healthy view of yourself?

Working on yourself, focusing on your feelings and building your strength will make you a better partner for a better woman.

We cannot (I again include myself) continue to look to others in relationships to “fix” us and love us to wellness.  Healthy people will NOT do that.  And damaged people will hurt us more.  I am living proof of that.  And we canNOT fix or heal them.  We cannot “love” them to wellness.

 There is that saying... “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep another person warm”.  That phrase says so much to me.

In your heart of hearts, was this woman able to give you the true love you needed and deserved?  Did she behave in a way that proved she would do this on a sustainable basis?  If you were stronger, would you have accepted a relationship with a woman who constantly broke up with you over the course of 18 months?

I believe you stated early in your posts that you’re seeing a T.
If you don’t mind, what aspects are you covering in therapy?

My friend, It’s time for you to really look at the relationship honestly.  You’re on the “Detaching” board.  We are here to work through things with you.  Let’s try and take a step out of the harmful rumination for a bit.

You did NOT cause her to be like she is.  She was damaged when you met.

Your thoughts about what I’ve asked and said?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Shanel2515]

Thank you Gemsforeyes...and it was the silent treatments and her ability to just shut off her feelings that was the unbearable part...that she could just watch me burn...I know I have a long way to go but I still feel like it is important to share my confusion still about what happened right now...the groups sipooet is helping see things but I still am blaming myself for my flaws and that I could of done something

she wrote this to me around the time of her saying

“I was born with something missing...everyone has know I am emotionally and mentally sick but me...all I do is hurt people etc...

This was after a YEAR OF BEING TOGETHER...This is a journal entry she wrote me... I would like to know your guys impressions of this and it demonstrates the self fulfilling prophecy and confusion and also her vulnerability which would come and go and I would be left alone to hold the relationship...

“I am scared that you hate me, that your think a am really a brat and I am selfish and only think about myself. And that you are so annoyed with me and I also get scared you aren’t thinking any of those things and you don’t know me at all and we don’t know each other at all. That we are almost strangers and you are ok with that. That I am in this all by myself and when I feel that I am not that and it is only fiction I had created and that I only think that because somehow you have convinced me. That we don’t really know each other and this is built on willing ourselves to feel the way we feel.

Sometimes when I am feeling so in love with you, I think how I will look back on what I am saying or feeling or thinking and realize what a fool I was, that I had convinced myself AGAIN that I have fooled myself and in the end it was not what I thought it was.

When we are connected I feel so incredible and so loved I think maybe sometimes I feel like there has to be something wrong with you to be so in love with me. That if it is me that has trouble connecting that I have to looks at what I am feeling and look at how scared I am. That I feel much more at ease when I can manage my environment and the people around me so I can keep a distance that feels comfortable and I can predict what will happen.”

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Shane-

I’ve read her journal entry several times, this glimpse inside her head, her emotions about where she was in the relationship AT THAT MOMENT when she wrote those words.

To pwBPD, most things are in the moment.  Although To her, these words likely represent how she views most relationships she’s been involved in.  Simply put - she doesn’t trust her feelings.  And she doesn’t trust anyone else’s because she doesn’t understand her own fleeting feelings.

Because she KNOWS how fleeting her own feelings of “love” are, how her feelings of love end, they always end, she assumes everyone else’s feelings of love FOR her end as well.

So yes... she IS the profit of her own doom.  Yes, it is her self-fulfilling prophecy as you state.

Her writing is childlike to me.  Not surprising in that pwBPD are stunted in emotional growth ... using words like “I am scared you will hate me... brat...”. A child’s words, a pre-teen’s words.

Adult love IS a choice we make.  When we first meet someone, seems chemistry rules, even as full grown adults.  And then the lust fades, we see the markings of age, the not so pretty things and we CHOOSE to stay and make LOVE work.  Disordered people cannot do this.

In order to love an “other”, you’ve got to accept and love yourself.  She doesn’t know that.  She knows enough about herself to understand that since she cannot CONTROL her insides, her emotions, she’s got to control her environment and the people around her.

So you see... she said it all in what she wrote.  It wasn’t a self-fulfilling prophecy.  It was the truth of her.  She was always scared.  She perhaps thought that maybe she would be somehow different, but she is the SAME person with a different man.  SHE won’t change because of you.  Or anyone. She can hold things together for tiny bits of time... until her partners asks something of HER.

And then it has to end.  She is 47 years old.  In body and age  only.  In mind and emotion... an ill-eqipped and selfish child.  Not a loving partner.  For anyone.  Her mask will slip.

Perhaps one day she’ll tire of this and truly ask questions about herself.  Who knows?  Maybe she’ll begin to wonder or care why she leaves a trail of hurt people in her wake.  My guess is this won’t happen until her poor daughter plans her exit.  I pray for that child.  She’s the one enduring the MOST pain.  That child has no choice in this relationship.

I hope you will retain what I wrote in the post above.  I KNOW this is difficult for you.  I’m sliding back in my recovery from the 19 years of emotional abuse from my marriage and now realizing I’ve more work to do myself.  I will NOT let that exH steal the rest of my life.  My exH did what he did and never looked back.  I am grateful I’m not anything like him.

I’m hoping you will find your resolve, my friend.  If an adult canNOT love, we canNOT teach them.  They can heal at their will, not ours.  I am so so sorry for your pain.  But you don’t have to feel like this.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Shanel2515]

What you wrote is so meaningful to me...and I just started crying...I tried everything I could to love her and I saw this damaged and hurt little girl and I could love her in this damaged awful places where she thought she was so awful as I have similar places but much more awareness and emotional owning of...i know our love and relationship pushed her to the brink of where she would be able to handle or keep herself together...I know she tried so hard and I tried so hard...almost to the death to love her...but she couldn’t feel these parts of herself and I had to become the enemy and that is what hurts the most...I loved her so much...

[Shanel2515]

I feel so badly for her daughter and I loved her so much too and I was good to her and good for her and I think that made my GF upset on some ways...that I had something to offer that maybe she wouldn’t ...I know she tries very hard being a mom and she gives it all she has...and she is a good mom in a lot of ways...I always tried to support her in that way too...but there were times that I saw her just not being emotionally available to her daughter...just like she wasn’t there with me...she just can’t be touched in certain places and she can’t offer herself in those ways and that is tragic for her daughter and my ex...and was tragic for me...because i so badly wanted to connect with her

[Gemsforeyes]

My dear friend...

I did not intend to deliver tears to you, however crying is cleansing to the soul.  You do need to continue in this release to arrive at your understanding of what’s taken place here.  As much as any of us can understand... which is not that much.  To people with BPD, FEELINGS = FACTS.  In their lives, the narrative must be altered to match how they feel.  In the MOMENT.

So what the journal entry says was IN THAT MOMENT.  I’m not taking away from that moment. I do feel it really states what she feels and believes to be “true”.  She has likely allowed her disordered thinking to govern, discolor and taint everything good and beautiful that has come her way.

I am hoping that you’ll soon begin to read others’ stories.  I need you to know that you’re NOT alone in what you’re experiencing.  You are NOT alone, Shane.

I cannot tell you how many times over the last 6 years I have been the “enemy” of my uBPDbf.  We are both older (61) and I love him dearly.  He loves me the most he can love anyone.  Right now, today, we are in an okay place.  If our relationship ends for good, I am 100% confident he will NEVER enter another relationship.  It’s too painful for him.  Aside from me, he hasn’t a friend in the world.  He hates most of his family and has zero contact with his three children.  He is so afraid to be rejected by them, he won’t attempt to make contact.  But he is a GOOD man.  A very kind man.   And he was brutally abused by his father.  His elderly narcissistic mother continues to twist and manipulate him, which sickens me to no end.  I use the tools to keep US healthy and happy.

But... when I really need emotional support, I have to distance myself from him.  Like now.  He cannot be around my sadness.  And that breaks me.  I see that just like most people in my life, as long as I’m the “happy, funny, entertaining, singing me”... everyone WANTS my company.  But if I stumble, people scatter.

Sorry, this wasn’t about me, was it?

Shane, the bottom line is... if we choose to involve ourselves with disordered people, we’re basically on our own from an emotional standpoint.  We caretake their emotions 24/7; and we caretake our own.  That my friend, IS the truth.  I did it with my NPD exH (bad man) and I’m doing it for my uBPDbf.  But this one thankfully is not malicious.  He has a heart.

Thoughts?

Hugs to you,
Gems

[Shanel2515]

I have a lot to say about what you wrote but I can’t now...I thought in Beth...I found someone to bring all of myself to...the wonderful which was so wonderful and amazing and also both of our hurt and understanding of that in each of us...we were trying to read “hold me Tight” and were in couples therapy and both in individual therapy and I feel like I don’t know what she is even doing in her therapy...except it feels like her therapist enabler her to blame me for everything in the relationship too...I don’t know...but I never said I didn’t have issues...but I wanted to continue to FEEL with her which Beth said she wanted to continue to do but in the end it felt like any every moment it was put back on me that I was the problem...that I was wearing her out...and I was this jealous, immature, lacking confidence and insecure person...there was no want or need for mutuality or reciprocity...or to even KNOW MY feelings or even hers and what was being brought up and why and how we could reach for each other more to become closer and more giving and understanding of each other and our wants and needs...just that someone was to blame...

[Shanel2515]

I am starting to feel a darkness come over me...that everything I have ever wanted in my life has pasted me by...that what I had in her I lost because of my own selfishness and weakness snd she saw how scared and pathetic I was and cut me loose...I fe like nothing...I feel like everything I wanted out of my life I had and because of my own faults and fear and failure I lost everything I waned... 

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Shane-

I understand you are truly struggling and grieving the end of this relationship.  But you are NOT responsible for her inability to maintain a close connection with you or anyone else.  She is incapable.  Completely incapable.

You have said many times that when you needed ANYTHING, she was not available for you, and showed disdain for any needs you had.  Is that the type of woman you really want?

I understand that during the honeymoon and idealization phases of these relationships we can be made to feel like the most “loved” people on earth... but that’s because of how we make THEM feel.  In that moment.  And sure as heck, they don’t stay there... whatever feelings in them rise come crashing down on their partners.  In stunning and painful fashion.  Constant breakups, blaming us and abusive language.  And we keep asking ourselves what we did wrong, why we cannot FIX things, be loveable, be BETTER, “good enough” for our partners.  But The answer to all the “why’s” is, in my mind, we just happened to be there.

She was NOT who you thought she was.  I wish you would take a hard look at her behaviors (not her periodic loving words).  If you break down those behaviors can you still say that this relationship, EXACTLY as it was, is what you wanted your entire life?

My friend, I’m not trying to be harsh... I’ve been where you are right now.  I had to shake myself awake from my deepest sadness and realize I was lost in something that didn’t really exist.  Emotional abuse does that to a person.  Please stop blaming yourself for her behavior and mistreatment of you.   

What you DO know is that it was all about her.  That does NOT make for a suitable and loving marriage partner.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Shanel2515]

Gemsforeyes,

I have always taken on others feelings as if I caused them in them and that I feel so inherently flawed in my own neediness and hurt and need for connection...that I have not liked that part of me...and I have a lot of anger and self loathing in myself for “needing” real connection or to at least been known or wanting to be feel in this places...and she seemed to want to and seemed to really love and appreciate these parts of me and certainly when she needed me...but then ultimately it would be turned on me that I was this selfish and immature child...as if what I needed was so “alien” to an adult and I am not sure if I have been so poisoned with her projections and venom or it really is just I am so damaged...the intellectual part of me seems to understand that I know I can get very scared and can be very difficult but it is not untenable...and I know I have a lot to work out to not punish myself so much...but that seemed to be her special talent...to hit me and hurt me exactly were I was the most hurt and vulnerable...because I told her how...and I never did that to her...I loved her even in the places where she thought were so monstrous about herself which in the end was just projected on to me...but I still take it on like it was me and I am a loser she just had to get rid of...

[Shanel2515]

There was nothing I could of done? If I needed less or was less reactive at times or needy? I feel like my need for connection wasn’t so outside the normal but it was treated like it was...which made me feel awful and ashamed and desperate and then she would punish me more...instead of treating me with empathy and asking how I or why I was so scared...she hit me harder and more with more black and white judgement...I don’t understand this to this extent how I have ceased to exist to someone who told me the the night before the last day I saw her told me...”I want you to be able to rely on me” and that she knew she loved me and even the next day knowing how hurt and frustrated I was and then completely flipped out on me. I am so heartbroken...and told me days before...”that she didn’t want to hurt me like she has or put me through so much and shared to hear about how hurt I was...and the hurt me more than ever and forgot about me and I ceased to exist and she just left so cruelly and moved on to someone else..

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Shane-

I do not believe there was anything you could have done any differently, “better”, less, more, higher, lower, bigger, smaller, warmer, stronger, louder, quieter, more detached, more connected, taller or any which way.  With the severity of her BPD, she was NEVER going to stay.  She never WILL stay... with anyone.  I’ve likely said this before.

I’ve said these things to myself.  I was told so MANY times that I was the “perfect” wife.  I was.  For 19 years.  But I’m beginning to see I was as blind to my feelings as he was cruel to them.  That was how I survived the emotional abuse.  He saw fit to throw me across the room.  My marriage ended that night.  That’s what it took for me to wake up.  The day before he was kind and attentive, wanted me to care for him as we age.  But two nights before that, on Valentine’s Day, he did give me a warning.., “if you’re not out of here soon, I’m going to start bringing women into the house”.  True “love”.  His sickness, not mine.  My sickness was in believing in him.  We had never really discussed separating.

Shane.  At some point you’ve got to stop questioning yourself and move toward acceptance.  We all do.  Of course we have regrets.  I have a TON of them.  I still hate myself some days.  But I’m LEARNING who I am, why I am this way.  Why I accepted my exH’s behaviors for so long (now that I’m dealing with that in therapy HONESTLY). 

No person is a fantasy.  Your exGF was imperfect.  She was not a fantasy.  She was not innocent.  She could have gotten better.  She simply chose not to.  That, my friend is HER issue, not yours.  Please look at that with eyes wide open.

Again, not intending to be harsh.  I DO know your pain.  I had to flee my home and community to escape.  I DO know your pain.

Warmly,
Gems

[Shanel2515]

It is just so freaking confounding...because it just wasn’t words with her...I mean she is in therapy too...how could she not see any of this...she was able to admit to me in February and April that she would split me and said “I would start to turn to her”...and she would tell me a lot that I had ulterior motives for loving her...i think I am starting to see I never had a chance with her...she was always going to find a reason and justification for it to end and the more I tried the more justification it seemed to give her...I think that is what is so hard...it almost seems like the more I loved her and the MORE she felt touched and loved me the more I became the enemy and the more she had to get away from me...leaving me feeling like she never cared or I meant nothing when maybe it was that I meant too much...and it scared the crap out of her...she always told me I was more than enough...and that at time like in the journal entry...said how terrified she was and hinted at times that she thought I was too good for her...but I don’t know what is what anymore...but what is tragic is what the hell is she doing in therapy and WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING IN ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP...Jesus...if I was her therapist I would be like Beth... you said how much you were in love with Shane...and then you could just turn it off...let’s work on that even Beth said she wanted to know why she did that...but in the end I GUESS IT WAS JUST ME...getting rid on me meant she could be happy...OMG

[Shanel2515]

Was it all a lie? Her loving me the attraction ...her saying I was the sexiest and most handsome man she ever was with and that she had never been closer to anyone in her life except for a a small group in college but never in a romantic relationship?

[Shanel2515]

Anyone there?

[once removed]

Anyone there?

yes, friend.

Shane, i think everyone here knows the pain you are in. i know that i was an emotional basket case for months.

we can all feel your pain. we are trying to help you to take the next step, and begin to focus it in a constructive way.

right now, you are caught up in rumination and the ten forms of twisted thinking synonymous with depression (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56199.0)

everyone understands this; weve been there ourselves, but it is difficult to reach or focus you.

ive recommended you reach out to other members who are going through what you are. it will help build your support system. it will help you feel connected to others.

ive also suggested you reach out to a doctor and/or a therapist...get a meds evaluation. it will help slow things down, help you breathe, so to speak, emotionally.

youre severely depressed. i was as well; i experienced thoughts of suicidal ideation at one point before i got some help, and it really, really, helped.

we want to help, but going in circles with you will only keep you going in circles.

how can we best support you right now? do you want us to just listen? do you want us to try to answer your questions? do you want to hear about ways you can focus and work toward your emotional center?

[ColdKnight]

Shane,

To follow up on OR. You are spinning and spinning in circles. You have answered your own questions many times. I know it hurts. Nothing makes sense because she has a mental illness. It doesn’t matter what she told you. She is mentally ill. If she told you that she was born on another planet and teleported here to live her life on earth would you believe that even if she believed it herself. She probably did love you but just as quickly she doesn’t. It doesn’t have to make sense it just is.

I just listened to a voicemail my ex sent me two months ago. It was the sweetest, most caring, loving voicemail she ever sent but guess what? That was then. This is now. She felt that way then and she doesn’t now. Those days are over for me and her. As hard as it is to accept it, I am slowly moving on. I don’t want to but I have to.

It’s almost as if a loved on died a tragic death. It may not make sense but it is what it is. It’s tragic and it hurts but it is the truth.

To reiterate, what can we do to help you...

[Shanel2515]

I thank you for your response...I know I have just gone around and around in a lot of ways...but have come along way lately and I feel a lot different than I did even a week ago...I am not blaming myself like I was...I am understanding now how much I was truly abused...I guess...where I struggle sometimes is I miss her and her daughter...and I guess right I need to know or ask was it all a lie...all we shared all she told me? Did she believe it was it just a manipulation...do we know? That is what is so hard for me right now...I am gaining a lot of ground but I guess you guys  giving me your two cents I have started reading more story but haven’t commented yet...but all the feedback I have gotten has helped tremendously