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Author Topic: BPD wife invited BPD mother in law to stay in our house without asking  (Read 462 times)
Oz2016

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« on: September 21, 2019, 06:28:24 PM »

This one is pretty bad. My BPD wife, whose antics I’ve discussed before, has just given birth and her mother came over to help. I’m pretty sure her mother is also BPD, though never diagnosed. She has the violent mood swings, the criticism, suicide threats etc.

Usually she didn’t pick on me too much so I didn’t mind her coming for an initial month. But she rapidly turned on me, criticising my parenting, keeping my son away from me and not allowing my parents to come and visit since it would be awkward for her.

In spite of this, my wife lets her do pretty much whatever she wants and has mostly backed her in arguments with me. It’s in stark contrast to how my parents are treated - short, tense, highly regulated visits with us.

I was basically counting the days till she goes. Then I found out that my wife had changed her flight home (she lives abroad) so that she is staying another month in my house. She didn’t consult me or even tell me. In fact she lied about it for a number of days. I was furious and literally left the house to sleep with relatives. I am also setting up a meeting with divorce lawyers. I am back in the house for now and have not decided what to do or how to navigate the hellish coming month. I am so angry about this enormous violation of my boundaries. Am I being unreasonable?
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GaGrl
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« Reply #1 on: September 21, 2019, 08:30:56 PM »

No, you are not being unreasonable. A month was a very long time for post-partum care, under any circumstances, in my culture. I'm sure your wife justified it because her mother was coming from abroad.

It is unacceptable that your MIL makes you uncomfortable in your own home, that she criticized your parenting, withholds your child, restricts your parent's visits.

What kind of boundaries do you have regarding your MIL? Have you done any work around boundaries, which really are about our values vs. setting "rules." What values do you hold for behaviors among those who live or visit in your home? You might start there.

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« Reply #2 on: September 21, 2019, 08:57:18 PM »

Having another person in the marriage is tough.  (My stepchildren are allowed to have say in my marriage to a uBPD H.)

I agree with GG that it's wrong for this MIL to come into your home and start calling the shots.  Your W is giving your MIL the impression that she has this power.  (On of my SC, who was living with us as an adult because her mother kicked her out of the house at eighteen, said "go to H#ll" to my face.  I promptly told her to move out.  I was amazed my H stood by my decision.)

As your W has "allowed" your MIL to have this authority, you will have to try extra hard to enforce the rules of your own home.  Be aware your W may take sides with her mother. 

It is utterly intolerable for your MIL to restrict your access to your own child.  Again, your MIL is acting this way because your W has, in some way, given her the permission to do it.
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Oz2016

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« Reply #3 on: September 22, 2019, 07:10:19 AM »

I have to admit that I hadn’t done too
much work on my boundaries with the MIL. The reason is that I didn’t expect I would have to. In the past she has avoided confronting me directly and has instead focused on making trouble for my wife and her husband. That sucks for them but it wasn’t my problem. Generally my MIL used to bring my wife and me closer because I would end up comforting her after her mother subjected her to some particularly nasty borderline criticism or rage. This time however my MIL has for some reason if she concentrated her fire on me my wife won’t mind and in fact it will help them bond with each other
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Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #4 on: September 22, 2019, 10:30:30 AM »

Dear Oz-

Congratulations on the birth of your new baby!  It stinks that this wonderful time should be muddied by the awful behavior and lies of disordered people... making you feel to be like a stranger to your infant son and disallowing visits from your parents.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed here in the US, so I am sorry for my bluntness (which seems to be working for me lately).  I would, kind of nicely, state in no uncertain terms that while MIL is welcome to visit your home, she must abide by the rules of said home.  No arguing with or insults to you or your wife (as co-head of your home); no grabbing your son from you; no belittling of ANYONE; no keeping YOUR parents away.  If any of this is too unsettling for her, she is welcome to pack her bags and visit the child and her daughter anytime by telephone.  She is there to HELP, not HURT.  Period, full STOP.

At this moment, today...I guess through the nightmares I had in my sleep last night I just realized there were so MANY times I could have stopped things with my words, yet I didn’t.  Because I’ve been doing it now.  They don’t know the boundaries if you don’t tell them.  So tell them you’re NOT a floormat, is a sweet and sugary way. 

So maybe if you try to verbalize the rules, firmly... and take back the control from the old woman... control what IS yours, the tide will change.  I’m not saying to act like them, I’m saying to act.

Or maybe it just was the wrong side of my bed?

I wish you strength in taking back the power that IS yours, Oz.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #5 on: September 22, 2019, 12:16:30 PM »

One thing we can count on with Cluster B types (and I’m including your MIL and wife in this assumption) is that they won’t automatically put themselves in your position and imagine how you feel or what you want.

Therefore you’ve got to do it yourself. I agree with Gemsforeyes. Boundaries!

Have you read this article on setting boundaries ?
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Oz2016

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« Reply #6 on: September 25, 2019, 08:03:16 AM »

So it’s gotten a bit better. My parents come round every day but they are limited to between meal times as there isn’t enough space in the kitchen for them and MIL. MIL once again criticised my parenting today. I ignored it. She also completely lost it with my toddler son. He doesn’t understand her condition and thinks she’s some sort of fairy godmother so when she picked him up and shook him angrily today he got very upset and angry. I yelled at her to stop as did my wife (backing me up this time). She left the room and slammed the door, then after a while calmed down.

One thing however which bothered me is that when she loses it my son clings to her more tightly to try to get her back to being in a good mood with him and is really happy when she stops disregulating. And here’s the thing - an hour or so later after she had calmed down he was playing with her in the garden and I came out. He told me to go away since he wanted to play with her. He ran away from me and called her. Now this was a one off and he was very affectionate with me later on and for the rest of the day, but I’m a bit concerned about alienation. Should I be? My wife denied her mother said anything derogatory to him about me.
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« Reply #7 on: September 25, 2019, 04:08:44 PM »


Can you up the amount of time your family is there?

Instead of ignoring her criticism, I'm wondering if explicitly telling her it is unwelcome is better.

In law drama sucks.  I'm voluntarily estranged from my wife's family...for a whole host of reasons.  My life is much calmer as a result.

What can you do to bump up self care..bigtime?

Best,

FF
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GaGrl
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« Reply #8 on: September 25, 2019, 04:41:08 PM »

The shaking is unacceptable. It is a factor in infant deaths in abusive families, and I can't believe it would acceptable for a toddler under any circumstances. You told your MIL to stop it...did you follow up on that with what you and your wife use as acceptable discipline?

Yes, she might be engaging in parental alienation. Watch this carefully. We had a member on this board whose MIL engaged in passive-aggressive "games" like standing next to a parent, holding out her arms, and asking the child to choose between them. When the understandably conflicted child went to the parent, MIL/grandmother would mock cry. Can you imagine that child's confusion? So yes...watch this.
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Oz2016

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« Reply #9 on: September 25, 2019, 05:17:09 PM »

Thanks for this info. There are a couple of things which I’ve noticed which are troubling.

First when we get up in the morning she will not let him out of his room to come down and eat until after I have had breakfast and come back upstairs. Sometimes he doesn’t even eat until 11 for this reason. It also causes him to be late for certain things.

Second, when I play with him she will sometimes complain I’m being too loud (even though he is extremely loud when playing with her), or that I should be giving him something to eat instead (which is a bit rich considering point 1 above) or that what I’m reading to him or letting him watch is inappropriate.

I’ve raised these issues with my wife but it’s usually 50-50 as to whether she will take my side. It’s complicated by the fact that she (MIL) can’t really speak English well, so any assertion of boundaries must be quite blunt
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« Reply #10 on: September 25, 2019, 06:09:41 PM »


Can you go take the child down to eat with you?

Best,

FF
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Oz2016

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« Reply #11 on: September 25, 2019, 06:20:12 PM »

She’s sleeping in his room with him and keeps the door closed. One thing I can do is make breakfast then just announcebtis ready
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« Reply #12 on: September 25, 2019, 07:55:24 PM »

She’s sleeping in his room with him and keeps the door closed. One thing I can do is make breakfast then just announcebtis ready

Go in the room and get him up.

If it's not acceptable to her, perhaps she will go sleep somewhere else.

Don't cede your parenting authority.  Is she is charge?

Best,

FF
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Oz2016

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« Reply #13 on: September 26, 2019, 08:08:16 AM »

Good point.

More craziness today. My parents were supposed to take him shopping at 1. My wife then tells me that we need to aim to be back by 4 since she has set up a play date with the kids next door. I said we can’t do it because my parents want to be out longer. She got angry and started raising her voice. I said that I didn’t like how it seemed my parents time with him is so closely monitored - it’s almost like a prison visit (2 hours, times up). I didn’t say the last part about the prison by the way - I simply stated my case calmly but firmly. So she started yelling at me , said she doesn’t like my parents attitude and stormed off in tears. She went upstairs and then either slammed something or threw something as I heard a loud noise. My son was upset so he followed her. This then triggered her mother to come and say we shouldn’t argue in front of the kids (which is true). She then came to me and started begging me in tears not to argue with her daughter as “women go crazy after birth”. She was sort of making sense but then all I was doing was asserting my parents’ right to have the time they want with my children. Meanwhile my son was acting out - hitting the living room mirror. Later in the day he acted out more and more - hitting lots of people and being very naughty.

Honestly I am at the end of my tether. I agree that we should not argue in front of the kids but I also feel like this has been weaponised - basically I’m being told that I shouldn’t complain about the poor treatment my parents are receiving or else my son’s mental health gets it!

Advice welcome
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« Reply #14 on: September 26, 2019, 08:47:49 AM »


Did "you" argue or did "we" argue or did "she" argue.

You only control you.  I'm not saying you need to convince others of all this.  I am saying that you need to have a clear view of your part and the control that part.

Good job standing up for your role and your family.

Hey..couple things.

How much longer is MIL there? 

In an average week how much time do you spend with your family and the child?

You know that you need to make changes.  I also hope you know that if you try to make changes and "back down" it will be worse.  (so again..good job on standing up and NOT letting a temper tantrum cancel or modify your parents plans)

My suggestion is we kick around a couple changes for a few days, then pick one you can stick with and go for it.

Switching gears

How do you go about validating your wife?  How do you go about making sure your wife feels "heard"?

Best,

FF
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Oz2016

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« Reply #15 on: October 09, 2019, 07:02:17 AM »

Been a bit of a while with this one. MIL is finally leaving on Tuesday. I certainly can’t say it’s been pleasant. A couple of recent meltdowns - one over a toothbrush, another over insisting that she get a massage immediately.

Today however really upset me. My parents went out with her and my wife and kids to a festival . She took my oldest son away for an hour for a walk. During this time my parents couldn’t spend any time with him. They patiently wait until she gets back with him and suggest going for a walk up a hill. My son wanted to go but MIL said no because she is too tired. Apparently her being tired means no one else is allowed to go either. But we can insisted on going, so she dragged my son by the arm to a food stall and bought him pancakes covered in chocolate sauce and ice cream so that he wouldn’t want to go for a walk with us. What’s especially galling about this is that my wife is always accusing me and my family of giving him junk food!

Anyway, it tore me up to see my parents treated like this. If I were the type to cry I would have shed buckets.

Now of course I should bring this up with my wife but every time I bring up an instance of her mother’s appalling behaviour she simply says I’m jealous of the bond she has with my son. The whole thing stinks and infuriated and upsets me in equal measure
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« Reply #16 on: October 09, 2019, 08:12:07 AM »


Were you with them?

Or was it MIL, wife and your parents.

Here is the thing I'm wondering about.  Say no to MIL and take your son.

I still don't understand why the only person "without a vote" is you and perhaps your parents after that.

I'm sure it's a relief for MIL to be leaving.  Would you like to chat about ways to improve your relationship with your wife, once MIL is out of the picture?

Best,

FF
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Oz2016

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« Reply #17 on: October 09, 2019, 04:56:57 PM »

Honestly the reason I don’t have a vote is simply because my wife wears me down. It’s not just that it’s “easier to just go along”, it’s that disagreement can lead to huge rows which she is happy to have in front of the children, and sometimes to physical violence on her part. It’s not that I don’t ever stick up for myself it’s just that if we’ve had fights for three nights and I haven’t slept very much, I’m really craving just getting some peace and some sleep
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« Reply #18 on: October 09, 2019, 09:21:39 PM »


She wears you down because she knows that will work.

What if you stopped giving in? 

Flip it.  How have you trained her to act when she wants to get her way?

Best,

FF
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