How to talk to friends about BPD partner/Ponderings on the "Borderline" label

[firefighter5]

Hey everyone, my partner and I are currently taking some space.  Almost a month ago, she moved back home to stay with family while she figures out some of her next steps in life.  She just finished her PhD but isn't sure what she wants to do next.  

She is generally not very happy in the city where she came for school (and where she met me) and because I have increasingly needed some space in this relationship, we agreed (and I really pushed for it) that now would be an alright time for us to live separately.  For us though, separately means far apart, as now we are on opposite sides of the states.

The space has been both challenging and positive for me.  And I am gathering that she is having a similar experience.  She doesn't, however, seem to be seeing how it's not just space that is needed but that we both need to be taking better care of ourselves in different ways.  She still doesn't make looking for therapy and addressing her outburts a priority.  Honestly, it's hard for me to keep track of what she even believes about her need for therapy on any given day.  It changes, intensely, based on how she is feeling and if there is any hint of my having not done something just so - that she can point to as the "reason" for her explosions.

So there is a little background, but I want to hone in on the topics of:
1. communicating with friends about my partner (broken down into 2 parts - a. and b.)
and 2. the "label" of "borderline personality disorder"

1.  While she is away, I have been realizing different things and able to process things a little differently.  I work with other women doing work outdoors and there is a pretty strong culture of friendliness (and friendship) and talking about relationships.  It has been difficult explaining my relationship to these people in a way that makes enough sense for it to be an enlightening conversation for them or a helpful conversation for me.  But since my partner has been away, I have found myself opening up more about it.  Just this past week, my ubpd partner and I got into a fight over the phone.  This is the only one that has happened since she has left that I consider very significant.  I slept for 1 hour the night before working with these ladies.  Due to the frustration and the lack of sleep, I vented and released more than I was expecting.  It felt good!  I felt validated and even more understood for all of the days when I roll in there underslept and maybe not performing at my best etc.  I never mentioned "borderline personality disorder" but I did finally blurt out that my partner has a mental illness and thinks I don't care about her if I don't do the dishes in a timely manner, despite the larger picture of love, support, and respect (both practically and emotionally) I have given.  And I went on to say that this unnamed disorder is the same thing my mother has.
"Mom issues" (and "dad issues") conversations then ensued - and not just about my own life, but others' were opening a bit as well.  

The problem is, I was in a bit of a state from the upheaval the night before and lack of sleep and realize that I may have come off as describing my partner relationship as something that I simply need to get out of and I know that/should know that etc... While there was validation around my own emotional (and physical) state, I realized in retrospect that I may have dug myself a hole with these people who, although wanting to support me, were only given enough information to have a pretty grim and black&white outlook on my relationship, but could never (unless they have experienced this) understand the complexity and nuances.  One person did ask, "Has she sought help on her own?"  And I replied, "Yes, but possibly just because I wanted her to, and once she was challenged, she stopped."  

a.  I have ran into this issue with close friends before as well.  How the hell do you talk about this kind of relationship in a way that is validating to you but also makes space for the (indescribable) complexity?  Without them defaulting to seeing the "obvious" solution that you must too...

b.  And ALSO: How do we talk to friends in a way that is fair and respectful towards our partners?  Especially if they are undiagnosed and wouldn't even call themselves BPD, as is my case...  

2.  Which leads me to my other query (which I wonder if/imagine that others have as well):  How helpful is labeling "BPD"?  In some ways, it seems very helpful.  For my partner though, the label seems to scare her away from looking at herself and getting help.  The word "disorder" seems harsh and negatively-focused.  As a person who values neuro-diversity and the power in the unusual and "alternative", I never have ever felt quite right labeling neither my mom or my partner as this even though they check all the boxes and it is a collection of patterns behaviors that so amazingly seem to coagulate together for individuals.  Maybe I don't hold a firm boundary with needing my partner to get help because I see so many issues with the label and system.  

So curious what others' thoughts and feelings are on these topics...  

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

You are bringing such an intelligent and respectful attitude to this discussion.  

Yes, it’s complex. How do we talk about our partners in a way where we respect them, yet can detail how their behaviors impact us?

It’s easy to go overboard on venting when we aren’t at our best and then people might wonder why we are still in the relationship.

Like you, I’ve found that when I’ve opened up to others, that there is a lot of understanding. Many people have cluster B types in their families.

I think these sorts of discussions are helpful. We all have things to learn and sharing our deepest concerns bonds us with others. It enhances our friendships when we can be honest about struggles with our loved ones, as everyone has some experience when there’s not smooth sailing in a relationship.

But what is appropriate or too much is I think what you’re asking. Perhaps leavened with the disagreeable, you can also mention the lovable, and that way people will understand what you find worthwhile in your partnership.

[once removed]

How the hell do you talk about this kind of relationship in a way that is validating to you but also makes space for the (indescribable) complexity?

validation can be a double edged sword.

it feels good, especially in such a complex relationship. we get to be right in a relationship where we are often wrong.

it can also obscure or polarize the conflict. a lot of us tend to want or need more of it.

for instance:

She is generally not very happy in the city where she came for school (and where she met me) and because I have increasingly needed some space in this relationship, we agreed (and I really pushed for it) that now would be an alright time for us to live separately.  For us though, separately means far apart, as now we are on opposite sides of the states.

The space has been both challenging and positive for me.  And I am gathering that she is having a similar experience.  She doesn't, however, seem to be seeing how it's not just space that is needed but that we both need to be taking better care of ourselves in different ways.

i could tell you: good for you for taking space and tending to your needs. youre doing well, and it sounds like shes having trouble, and maybe thats a good thing for you both.

i could also tell you: you encouraged her to move to a place thats foreign to her for the sake of the relationship. its a long distance relationship (statistically low success rate) now, and shes not really clear about why, only that she did it and that she likely regrets it. ultimately, shes likely to resent you for that.

the truth is likely somewhere in the middle; better and worse. the space is good for you on some level, because you get to have more of the positive aspects of the relationship, and less of the bad. the space is bad for her, she feels isolated and apart from her support system. overall, it may be bad for the relationship.

While there was validation around my own emotional (and physical) state, I realized in retrospect that I may have dug myself a hole with these people

presuming they dont know her, and wont relay what you said, you arent in immediate danger; you or your relationship. we all share some war stories with coworkers and friends.

the question is what kind of support youre looking for.

I have ran into this issue with close friends before as well.  How the hell do you talk about this kind of relationship in a way that is validating to you but also makes space for the (indescribable) complexity?  Without them defaulting to seeing the "obvious" solution that you must too...

the short answer is to be upfront about the kind of support youre looking for. when youre venting, most peoples response will be to try to solve your problem. difficult relationship? leave it.

the long answer is that youve been a member of the family here for six months and posted 9 times. you can get solid, constructive feedback here from folks that get it, but will encourage you to up your game, or examine whether this is sustainable.

its the double edged sword of venting and validation.

[firefighter5]

Wow, is it helpful to post on here.

Cat Familiar - Thanks for reflecting back to me what I am saying/asking.  It is good to know people are out there "getting me".  And, in the conversation I had with coworkers, I worked in how much this partnership has meant to me and how I have imagined a life with this person and I have not with any one else.  I didn't say too much about my partners person qualities that I love (there are many) while in the middle of venting but I did mention this.

(A little more background: Even though I am in my 30's and have had two other relationships that each lasted around 5 years, I never wanted a life with these other people nor did I ever feel comfortable calling myself their "girlfriend".  So there's my co-dependency for having stayed with them each for so long.  Both of them were definitely quite "damaged", and had some traits of BPD but not anything like my current partner.  Again though, I have never adored someone as I do my current partner, shared so much of my life with anyone, or wanted to share the rest of my life with them...)

Thanks so much for listening and reaching out.

[firefighter5]

Once Removed - thanks for all of the thoughtful advice.

I may have not been clear about my partners current living situation.  For the past 6 or so years, she has been living in the city I live in while working on her degree.  Once she finished it, she was only staying here "for me".  For a while now, she had been complaining about how much she dislikes this city and how it isn't good for her.  Her sister was also living here, but a month ago was leaving to go back across the states to where they are both from.  I saw that as an opportunity for my partner to get to go back home (road trip with her sister) and go live with her family again in an area she is happy in.  And an opportunity for me to get space and perspective.

I agree - she is away from me and there is difficulty in the for her.  But she is getting to live with her family in a beautiful place that she feels better in, not pay rent (money is a HUGE stressor for her right now), and have more opportunities and even a couple of close friends out there (something she really didn't have here).  

Given the other option of us continuing to live together while she is unhappy and projecting/blaming me for that unhappiness while my anxiety was growing...  This was an opportunity I jumped on to encourage and while sometimes she says things like "you sent me away", she also was technically the one who made the final call right as I was about to cave to giving it another shot here in this city she hates.  And she is already dipping into new opportunities out there...  

Despite all of that, she is worried that I am not jumping all over making plans to move "atleast to the other side of the rockies" (ie closer to her).  It seems as though if I do not share with her some sort of ideas or plans in the near future, that she will not want to continue to invest in our long distance relationship (which I get).  Last night she said that "If I were you, I would be working on how to get closer to you. And I don't see you doing that."  I mentioned how we are often talking about her needs in this relationship while my main need - for her to work on getting into some sort of therapy - is not taken seriously or falls to the wayside.  She said, "I will not get into therapy before you move out here."  And "I would only get into therapy for you."  Not good to hear at all.  Me moving to the other side of the states to be with someone who I have had such a rocky relationship with - even if I DID have work out there - is a lot more to ask then finding therapy (her insurance would cover it 100% and I have offered help in finding a good one, if she wanted that).  Something I sometimes (often times?) notice is that when I have a need, she will find a way to have one that for some reason needs to come first, as if they need to be consecutive, favoring her as priority.  We can't just mutually, at the same time, be working on responding to eachothers' needs.

As a side note - sometimes I worry that her continuing to be with me is the very thing that keeps her from moving forward in her self-awareness, because she has built up very complex ways of justifying her behaviors as something she does "because of me".  She has often said that she wouldn't need therapy if she wasn't in this relationship.  Sometimes I daydream about her getting into another relationship so she can run into the same issues and maybe start to be able to look at herself.  How many people/mirrors could this take though? 

Her inconsistency in taking responsibility amazes me.  It is overwhelming.

So anyway, back the the current: She seems to have forgotten the reasons/that there are reasons at all why we need this space.  And her main focus is how I need to be doing _____ to get closer to her, to make this relationship work, etc...  She keeps saying, "The ball is in your court now, because I will not move back there and you said you would like to move out here."  Well, I have wanted to.  But I can see myself living out there less and less, the more she insists that the ball is in my court and there's nothing I need from her.  Her orientation towards the practicalities distracts her from the emotional work that needs done - and yet, when she's being "practical", she's not even being that practical!

Yes, Once, I do need this community right now.  Thanks so much.  

[once removed]

bottom line, it sounds like this is a stalemate; limbo.

she has a high need for relationship security/commitment. you have a high need for change in the relationship (primarily her getting into therapy) and space.

a woman (any woman) will eventually see this as a dead end and walk away. 

long distance relationships in general statistically dont do well. for you, its a way of mitigating conflict in the relationship.

but nothing really stands much of a chance of improving with one foot in, and one foot out, of the relationship.

think through this. is it resolvable? what will it take?