Desperate and totally lost

[Beren2016]

Before I detail the situation, I would like to give some context which informs why I feel like I'm am at this point..

usually I am good at negotiating BPD but I have been through a lot of stress and I suspect suffering from anxiety which I believe to have been caused by these arguments and I believe it is affecting my responses. I apologise if this is a bit muddled.

Now on to my question.
 
The arguments have become like cycles that never end. In fact I don't class them as arguments in the convetional sense... as once she is triggered the reason stops being the problem eg.

1) she expressed she is dreading a gig we were due to go to (due to anxiety)

2) I try to empathise and suggest/ask if there is anything we can do to manage it and still get her there, accepting if she cant

3)she now feels like I'm trying to force her to go and I only care about myself and starts getting angry

4) I explain that I'm only think about her as I dont want her to miss out on a band she loves. My disappointment is only in her missing out.

5) now angry she questions why I even care if she misses it and doesn't seem to here any of my words about me thinking of her and help...she only feels the emotion and feelings inside herself.

(She has an image of me as a selfish self centred person forcing her to do things, so I defend and I end up cycling back 4)

6) she shuts down and goes quiet/head In hands/break up preparation stare

7) I cycle and start to JADE and end up repeating myself over and over.[/b]

At point 6 the gig situation is now not the problem for her, to her, she is now fighting about me "not shutting up" and acussing me of "you like to push me to the point of breakdown", even though I started this trying to help

when i again try to explain what I said and my resons this is where she says "it doesn't matter what to said, you just won't shut up"... And the cycle continues with "you just won't shut up" and "if you had shut up at the start this wouldn't have happned" being the emotional core of this situation and the only points she makes... This could go on for hours

She accuses me of giving her lectures amd how I "need" to do it  now I to see this as I do repeat myself in this situation, buy it is because I am desperately fighting the fires as they appear...and if i don't feel understood, my anxiety about upsetting her makes it worse... I know it's the wrong thing to do but i get totally stuck.

I don't know how to navigate this and see ends up in a totally emotional position based on her feelings emotions and not on my words or actions, and makes the argument entirely my fault. I become desperate as she belives the opposite of my intentions.

 I don't know where this gets out of hand she is totally black and white emotion and ignores words and facts and is totally feeling centred...

To her all of her feelings are true, my words/ and intentions "don't matter" as I should just "shut up" she invalidates my side and renders what started the argument irelevent... Which leaves me in a cycle and nowhere to turn.

She seems to want me to just drop everything as soon as I see her feel anything and just "shut up".

This all starts as a minor conversation and I don't know how it escalated so quickly...i just don't know what to do and how to avoid it all.

I do have faults and do things that don't help but I would point out this doesn't start as an argument and at no point over this situation do raise my voice... It plays out as her beconing angry and  increaseingly upset and attacked and me keeping my voice level and trying to fight the fires..

Sorry Its long, I must have needed to get it off my chest,  I suppose I don't have a question just a plea for help and guidance...

Thank you all for your time
 





 

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[Ozzie101]

Hi Beren!

I know how it feels to get anxiety over arguments and to be so desperate to make them stop. One thing I came to learn, though, was that that anxiety and my desperation were actually helping to make them worse. And it's so frustrating and even infuriating to try your best to help, only to get railed at. I get it!

You point out here that you're JADE-ing. That's a habit it's easy to get into and it makes sense to want to explain yourself. Yet, as has been pointed out to me and to many others here, it's exactly what you should NOT do. It is going to make things get worse. Have you looked at this workshop thread?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

What if, in the example you gave, you tried something different at #2? What if instead of suggesting or asking any way to get her there you just said something supportive or just asked if she wanted to talk about it? And, if she didn't, what if you left it alone? PwBPD can be hypersensitive to criticism, whether real or perceived -- especially if they're already feeling sensitive/anxious/self-conscious. It can be like hitting someone on a broken bone. Thinking back over what happened, can you look at it from her perspective? How do you think what you said might have been heard by her?

I'm not saying all this to criticize you. At all. I've been in your place. But, we can't control our loved one. We can only control ourselves. And, so often, we play a much bigger role in things than we realize.

I can't tell you how many times I tried to help my uBPDh, only for arguments to spiral out of control and for my words to get twisted. It was only when I started really paying attention to what I was saying and thinking about it from how he might be hearing it (not how I was intending it) that things started to improve.

Here are a couple other articles that you might find helpful. Have you read these?
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict
https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

It sounds like you're trying to put out fires and rescue her. What if you stopped trying?

[Harrisps]

Hi,

This feels very familiar and i am still learning myself of the do's and don'ts so apologies if I don't have lots of answers, just the reassurance you're not alone and writing it down, getting it out does help.

To me these cycles are no win. Its like the BPD takes over and bats away any good intention-ed rational sounding words. Leading to exhausting from my own experiences.

I have learned a lot of the time now to stop the dance, as hard as it is when really all you want to do is spend some quality time with your partner and are focused on a solution, but stopping moving away from the topic, room (house - in my current situation!) can help diffuse things.  

I try to not let BPD win when things you are looking forward to are involved - my wife has cancelled, dropped out so many times last minute - but we have to be careful not to lose ourselves and the things we enjoy. I feel I twisted and turned a lot over time that still hasn't came to any great outcome - i do find some peace knowing i am trying to support my wife as much as I can and as much as feels reasonable in an adult relationship. I can't make her feel that but i guess distorted feelings are big part of this complex disorder... Then when i get to whatever it is, a gig for e.g. I think ok right now this is a safe space for me, enjoy it.

H