Repair or divorce? I dont want to lose my son.

[badenergytroll]

Hello everybody. I have lived through a lot of good but also a lot of bad times in my life. I am tough as nails and do not take _____ from anybody. I do not get into fights, I do not start brawls, but I sure as hell leave behind and walk away from undesirable situations, point blank.

So after a really long time (for me - 2 years) of being single and getting rejected from way too many women (and with every rejection I felt more and more unwanted, unattractive and unconfident), I met her. Confused sex for love, thought we have the common goals (since we're both old now), I knocked her up and we got married.

Already during her pregnancy her behavior was unacceptable and intolerable. Constant harassing, insulting, *hittesting and jealousy without boundaries. I struggled a lot but tried to make up for it with even more sex.

She gave birth to a beautiful, handsome, incredible baby boy, our son. He is really a dream come true, friendly, good spirited, uncomplaining, uncomplicated (for a baby). His first birthday is approaching soon, or our divorce... I can not stand this 5h1t anymore. My "not taking any crap from anyone" attitude is what attracted her in the first place, so she spent the last year trying to destroy me, so that she can wallow in the self pity of having a weak man (as I have gotten to learn, the same thing her mother did and is still doing to her father).

To never ever see her again would be the most wonderful gift I could think of right now. But I dont want to lose my son... Since we are both strangers in a 3rd country, if we divorce, she gets sent home immediately. 100% goes my little boy with her.

Even in the best case, that I would get custody, (I can not imagine how I would prove her insanity), I would be in fear all the time of her kidnapping our boy, or violently taking revenge on me when I am off my guard (I asked around about her past, she is also prone to revenge violence).

Yeah, I felt, and still feel sorry for her, it is not her fault the she got caught up in the neverending chain of horrible parenting that gets passed on from one generation to another. But even if I dont give up and endure this nonsense, how would that affect our son?

We wanted a big family together, and I also have the feeling, that if this relationship also fails, the biological clock ran out, no time left.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ct21218]

Have you consulted a lawyer?  You may want to post on the legal area of this site and reach out to a few attorneys for consultations to see what your options are before you make a decision.

[starryeyed]

First, I want to acknowledge what a difficult situation you are in.  It is wise of you to consider the decision in lieu of acting on feelings recklessly.

Neither road you are looking down is going to be simple.  The divorce route sounds more complex than a typical divorce situation if your son would be leaving the country. 

If you decide to repair, you are going to be doing 100% of the work...on yourself.  But in reality if you divorce, you are still doing 100% of the work just a different type.

I highly recommend the book - Stop Caretaking the bordeline or narcissist. 
https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/stop-caretaking-borderline-or-narcissist

I've personally experienced the stages discussed in the book and am at the depression stage.  I've tried being a doormat, being dominant, explaining, almost everything other than lowering my expectations and drawing hard boundaries. 

I am divorced and frankly see my kids more often than my ex, but when they are gone it hurts to the core.  My personal opinion is that you can better protect your son if you stay in the marriage, but that will require you to change, not her.

[badenergytroll]

Hi Starryeyed,

thanks for your wonderful write up, it is much appreciated. As you can see, I have been thinking about what you wrote for almost a week now. I am really in a pickle about this. You are 100% right, I would have to be doing 100% of the work. The only upside is, that I could surely protect my son more if I stay.

It is very hard coming to terms that I completely ruined my life with this relationship. Critics would say, that I completely ruined it already with the last one; but then we can always go one step backwards... I can not imagine spending my life with this harpy.

I dont even know what to write. For the last 7 years I just wanted a sane and adult partner to have a large family with. Dream turned part nightmare. Every day I listen to insults and allegations without an end. Endless fits of a 3 year old child who begs to get the crap beaten out of her. Provocations, allegations, and drama 24 hours a day.

I will try to get legal counseling. This is such a mess. I want my son. I want my life without this horror in my life. I still cant believe i completely ruined my life with this marriage. No return. No salvation.

[badenergytroll]

If you decide to repair, you are going to be doing 100% of the work...on yourself.  But in reality if you divorce, you are still doing 100% of the work just a different type.

Could you please explain, what to you mean, that if we divorce, I am still going to be doing 100% of the work, just a different type.

-----

as far as staying in this horrible marriage, I could guess that doing 100% of the work on myself would mean:
- not giving into provocations at any cost, even when my blood is boiling
- not reacting to insults at any cost, even when my blood is on fire
- hard limits and boundaries to everything
- not having any expectations of any kind, for anything, ever
- ...
- please fill this list if you have more experience.

I have to say, that when all of the above is true, and it is, that is a really bleak prospect. That is a truly horrible way to live out the rest of my life.

[starryeyed]

I hope the best for you and that you can find discernment for you and your son.