Feeling like my life was stolen

[Zabava]

Hi all,

Lately I've been doing better.  I have accepted that I was abused and have been processing bad memories and trying to move forward.  One thing that causes me anxiety, grief, panic and all kinds of bad feelings is the realization that I could have had a much happier life if I had started confronting my past earlier in life.

I have been in and out of therapy since I was 14 and I am now 51 and just starting to heal.  I can't stop thinking about how much time I"ve wasted feeling bad and how little time I have left.  I feel robbed.  I am so sad about my kids getting older and leaving, even though I know it"s good for them.

Can anyone relate?  If so, how do you stay hopeful?  People say you should live every day like it's your last, but for me this makes me feel desperately sad and afraid.

[Longterm]

It's great to hear your doing better Zabava

One thing that causes me anxiety, grief, panic and all kinds of bad feelings is the realization that I could have had a much happier life if I had started confronting my past earlier in life. 

I share this regret with you. I think it's important to acknowledge that you have concluded that you are in need of healing, and want to work on yourself, facing your inner demons is tough and I think your very brave.

 If so, how do you stay hopeful? 

I try to look at the positives all around me, and be extremely grateful for the good things in my life. Whenever I am down I always remind myself that there will be happier periods and this will be a long process filled with many ups and down. This site also keeps me hopeful by knowing there are others that understand.

LT.

[JNChell]

Hey there, Zabava. I do relate to having feelings of regret and hopelessness. I often voiced similar things to what you have here in your post. Good topic BTW. I’ll be 43 next month and can say with confidence that I’m truly on my path to healing, but it took a great deal of processing and self reflection to even begin that walk. I was stuck at the trailhead for what felt like a long time when I look at everything from a higher altitude. What helped me the most was taking the time to understand and begin to truly implement Radical Acceptance. RA allows me to give myself permission to let go of the regrets that are attached to not nipping my issues in the bud when I was younger. The road behind me is most likely longer than the road ahead, but I’ll say this, I’m beginning to feel freer than I ever have and I’m proud of myself for staying the course as painful, hopeless and unsettling as it has felt at times. For me personally, my journey has come down to simply making choices and following through on them. We’ve been let down over and over again by people that we should’ve been able to trust. It feels pretty good to not be let down by my self.

Keep your heels dug in, Zabava. Keep pushing forward. This stuff gets worse before it gets better, and it does get better. What are your thoughts on Radical Acceptance? Do you think that it can benefit you and your overall well-being?

[madeline7]

I can totally relate to this and I am a decade older than you. I struggle with not having the regret and resentment about the amount of time taken up with this impossible situation take over my thoughts and feelings. And in my situation, my elderly uBPDm is still here causing drama and division among the family. I am moving forward, I am learning to accept what is, but I am no longer a young woman, and your "subject line" is spot on for me. How fortunate we are to have a place to join others who share our experiences and hear us. Take care.

[Harri]

Hi Zab.  I struggled with this for years and the grief still comes sometimes.  There is so much I gave up or missed out on.  I grieve time and things (not items, but experiences) that I can never go back and get.

What helped?  Allowing myself to grieve while also working on radical acceptance as mentioned by JNChell.  I can't change how things happened or the choices others made or even the choices I made but I can make choices today.  One of those choices is to look back, see what was done to me and realize that I am an adult now and I am responsible for me and the choices I make today and the only thing holding me back today is me. 

I guess to sum it up, it is a combination of radical acceptance and taking the agency i do have and using it.

We are not responsible for how we came to be who we are as adults
but as adults we are responsible for whom we have become and for everything we say and do.

After grieving and even while grieving, there comes a point in time when we have to stop looking back and blaming others. 

I think you have come a long way from when you first came here Zab.  This will come and it does get better.   

[Zabava]

Thanks everyone for the replies.  It helps so much to not feel alone.  Harri,  I think I am resisting grrief, but it finds me anyway. As JNChell says, radical acceptance of where I am and who I am is key.. 

In my bad moments I am a pathetic old lady who missed out on life.  In my good moments I am a strong and resilient woman who raised her kids well.  The truth is probably somewhere in the middle.I find grace and hope in my kids.  Even though they are teenagers, they still turn to me for support and advice and snacks:)

[TelHill]

It's perfectly normal to feel this way. I get this at 3am when I can't sleep sometimes. It was hard to shake in my 20s. I married, my job became more demanding and I was strictly NC to LC. I lived in areas where it was very hard for my parents to visit me. Life became easier and better.

Going back as a kid, I liked reading biographies of notable people. These were geared towards kids so they were chapters in a library book. The ones I liked the most were Eleanor Roosevelt, Marie Curie and Helen Keller. Eleanor Roosevelt had a very difficult childhood as did Helen Keller. Marie Curie had difficulty in her career. It was affirming to me that they all accomplished so much with relatively little support and big impediments.  I read the kiddie version of the Lives of Catholic saints. I liked St. Francis (his Catholic dad locked him in the basement for 2 years as punishment - he had weird parents too!) and St. Joan of Arc (god talked to her and helped her lead battles for France. The original warrior princess, I guess.) It seemed like there was a way out of one's circumstances if you persevere through bad times and educate/take action for what you want in your life.

As always, there are plenty of misfortunes and injustices in the world that are far, far worse than mine. Starving of hunger, living in Syria, being born with AIDS in Africa where it is a death sentence because medicines which are readily available to those in Western countries don't show up in Africa too often. Lives stolen & taken before they even got to age 10.

I read a great article in my late-20s about the difference between a misfortune and an injustice. It had to do with welfare benefits - injustices have to be remedied in courts or passing new laws. Misfortunes have to be accepted and worked with on your own. I thought of my own life with mom. Was it an injustice or misfortune to have an abusive mom with a big mental health problem?  At the time and now I take it as a misfortune. I wanted a normal life with nice things and nice friends. It's up to me to take care of the fallout. It's certainly not fair (to say the least - it's a scrouge!) but nothing will get done without my own efforts.  Sorry about being on a soapbox here.

[JNChell]

Hi again, Zabava.

In my bad moments I am a pathetic old lady who missed out on life.  In my good moments I am a strong and resilient woman who raised her kids well.  The truth is probably somewhere in the middle.I find grace and hope in my kids.  Even though they are teenagers, they still turn to me for support and advice and snacks:)

This is interesting and wise on your part. Black and white thinking is a very common aspect that is discussed here. I understand how you described bad moments and good moments, but you live in between those two extremes. The grey area of life which is fluid, but centered between black and white thinking, for lack of a better explanation on my part. What’s important here is that you recognize these things. Healing can be as much of a roller coaster as being in these relationships, at least for a while. You’re doing a great job at conveying your feelings and sifting through them. It’s a process. Remember to tell yourself that when you’re having a difficult day. It’s a process.

You know, sometimes I think about how many times an inventor tried. Eventually, the invention earned a patent. In a way, many of us here are reinventing ourselves. We’re becoming new versions of something that didn’t earn a patent. We’re becoming better just like you.

You’re a wonderful mother and a responsible person that is working through things that you shouldn’t have to. At the end of the day, you have to work through these things. You owe that to yourself. You’re there for your kids which is great. Don’t forget to be there for yourself.

What kind of snacks are we talking about? I might be knocking on your door. Lol. Your kiddos trust you. Maybe think about what that says about you.

[Kwamina]

Did I hear someone say snacks?



Someone hook the parrot up!

[zachira]

I think all of us can relate to feeling our life was stolen by the abuse that is/was inflicted on us by an abusive parent. First, there is the past we cannot make up for, and then there is regret about how the past affects the present and will have some impact on the future. For me, there is always going to be sorrow about having an abusive mother with BPD and an extended family environment that made me one of the scapegoats, yet I am able to move forward while not ignoring how I am affected. It helps me to continue to work on staying present, feeling the uncomfortable feelings when they arise before these feelings overwhelm me instead of stuffing them. Know that the mixed feelings are normal, and to continue moving forward it can help to acknowledge all the feelings whenever they arise. What helps you the most to feel better or not dwell so much on the past? Know that you are younger than many people who have finally realized that they were abused, and I would say that the vast majority of people never face their childhood abuse.

[Zabava]

Thanks all for your thoughts.  TelHill thanks for the idea of injustice vs misfortune.  You are very wise.  I need time to think and process all of your responses. Thanks for hanging in with me.

p.s.  Kwamina and JNChell, grilled cheese, milkshakes and chocolate chip muffins are my specialties.

[Kwamina]

Yes take your time Zabava Healing takes time but you are very much on your way

p.s.  Kwamina and JNChell, grilled cheese, milkshakes and chocolate chip muffins are my specialties.

Milkshakes work for me!



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