Please tell me I'm not the only one

[Dillie Harper]

I'm in my early 20s but I still think about the more disturbing aspects of my childhood most days, especially now I've moved to a new city for work and I spend more time alone now. My mother has BPD, she would fluctuate between neglecting me - not bathing me or brushing my hair, to completely inmeshing me - not letting me leave the house for weeks at a time, or walk to school by myself, even as old as 17! As a child I felt like a wasn't a person, only an extension of her, I couldn't have my own opinions about anything, choose what I wanted to wear or eat. I wasn't allowed to swim or ride a bike in case something happened to me. She told me I was too nervous to do those things, I guess she's was too afraid of me getting hurt and not being there to support her or other people would see her inadequacies as a mother through my incompetence. It made me feel too weak and vulnerable to do anything without her, I still struggle to feel confident about my ability to make decisions, learn new skills, form healthy relationships with people. Can anybody relate?

[TelHill]

I have some similarities. My mom walked me to school through 8th grade. I never learned how to swim. I could have no friends at the house. All this was to prevent me from dying.

I had to learn some things from scratch at your age like what to say around people - how to be friendly without wanting to be a person's friend, what friendships entailed, how to deal with dating, etc.  I observed and imitated what intuitively thought was ok. I made a lot of mistakes and learned from them.

Most young adults have lots of struggles and adjustments -- even those from normal families. I thought I was the only one back then.  Therapy can help you cope with this kind of childhood. Reading the pointers on this site, if you haven't, helps as well. Good luck!

[Turkish]

 In my ex's family, the focus was on their violent and serially cheating father, possibly BPD, but there's a cultural component that's hard to analyze. Despite that,  I think that their mother is a BPD- like Hermit/Waif.

The youngest sibling, a boy, was never allowed to have sleep overs. Never taught to swim, despite mom losing an older son to drowning when they lived in Mexico over 15 years previously (i kind of understand where she might be coming from, but the next eldest boy took it upon himself to learn in high school). The youngest didn't teach himself how to ride a bike until he was a teenager (too dangerous). My ex also realized that she was the proxy emotional spouse for her mother given an absent father. Possible emotional incest. The "baby" of the family was made just that and he had no choice.  When I first started dating her when he was 9, she cut his pancakes.  I made a comment about it and it stopped.  She was copying her mother and infantilizing him.  I said that in front of both of them. 

I kind of learned Hermiting behaviors from my own mother with BPD, PTSD and Depression. I never felt, looking back, as if she ever tried to enmesh me though.  

Time and sheer will helps, but that can result in a lot of wasted years.  I'm speaking of myself...

What kinds of things are you doing to forge forward?