Empath/spirituality/healing

[Lstrayed]

Hi! I'm actually not new..but it's been so long I forgot my username and password! I've been back through the years..but wow... I've changed a lot since last posting. Of course I'm back because I'm once again experiencing turmoil with my bpd mother...that vicious circle of thinking things(boundaries,very little contact,etc) are in check only to have things unravel once again...shocker! Anyways, a previous post about the effects of our bpd parents really really got  me thinking and I decided to post...but I feel a bit all over the place..so bear with me! I noticed A LOT of similarities in the effects of growing up with bpds in all of us. The one that stuck out for me is the immense empathy. I've recently been reading a bit about being an empath. I've always been extremely empathetic, to the point of having issues with taking on others pain, feelings, etc. Even though people are sometimes horribly draining to me it's hard for me to turn away from someone who seemingly "needs" me. I get drained in crowds, I am extremely sensitive to violence even if it's "just a movie." I can't watch or read the news etc because it hurts me too much, even as a child I was intuitive and felt a connection to something bigger than myself. My mom actually made fun of me for this and thought I was just weird..so of course over time I began to lose whatever that was. As a very small child I would talk about my past lives(my parents had no beliefs like this if any beliefs) Ive always had that "old soul" feeling. Eventually my light was dimmed. Throughout the years through meditation, mindfulness, reading, law of attraction, positive affirmations, etc I feel as if I'm finding that spark again...but it comes in waves. I'm up and down.
I recently read a book by Christiane Northrup called Dodging Energy Vampires: An Empath's Guide to Evading Relationships That Drain You and Restoring Your Health and Power. It opened up a LOT for me! My bpd mother has been sucking too much of my energy for too long. It really opened my eyes to the patterns and cycle of our relationship and MY part in all of it. Which leads me to the question of spirituality. I was wondering what role(if any) has spirituality played in your healing?

[Lstrayed]

Hi! So.. I wanted to write more last night but ended up getting way too tired. I feel like there's more in me, so here goes...
I recently made the decision to go back to therapy. Memories of my childhood began to surface, anger that I haven't felt in a long time has come up. The realization that my goal, which was to have very little contact, isn't working well. She can have 15 minutes and in those minutes she can plant seeds that tear me and the progress that I've worked so hard for right down. She can suck the energy right out of me. Whats the point of continually building myself back up if im going to allow her to tear me back down? I suppose I'm struggling with the decision of going No Contact with both her and my Dad for various reasons. I'm also almost angry that I'm back in therapy wasting more of my time and energy on dealing with this! I mentioned that I've gotten really into law of attraction(you get what you think about) and mindfulness(you focus only in the moment..not the past or future) Having these beliefs makes me wonder if therapy is the right decision...maybe I'm the only one who struggles with this? At what point can we decide to let it all go and just focus on the good in life? Focus on the good that is coming to us in our future? When I am able to live this way my life flows beautifully. I've accomplished a LOT and I'm proud of who I've become despite being abused by people. Through it all I've held onto the goodness in me. I've been TRYING to live my life "in the moment" focusing on the good and my amazing future instead of my hardships and chaotic past. But now here I am back in therapy opening up old wounds! Wasting my moments on figuring out how to handle 2 people who quite frankly CHOOSE to live in the hell they're in. I see what they have created for themselves, I see my mom losing her grip on reality, I see my Dad feeding into her insanity...they have no joy in thier lives. My empathy, although it's a gift, sometimes feels like a curse. It keeps me going back, trying to help. Its as if they're heroin addicts but they are addicted to chaos and misery and turmoil. She can't function without it. Its only now at 32 years old that I'm realizing so many moments and years(even my childhood) was spent trying to help people who don't want helped. It dis nothing for them and it ultimately only hurt me.
So of course... when I discovered mindfulness and law of attraction it felt great to me. To be the opposite of them. I can choose to think differently. And it works, when I can work it. I suppose some people could call it "stuffing" or not dealing with things. But how many times should I relive the abuse of my "mother" how many times should I relive my sexual assault, my brothers suicide? I really don't know! I did therapy for years..years ago..but I can't seem to stop this flow of memories lately. So I guess the responsible thing is to get them out? Maybe? I suppose this is just a ramble to myself to figure things out...but if anyone has insights into thier own healing journies(whatever has worked for you) I'd love to hear them.

[tryingforzen]

Following this post bc so much of what you have said resonates with me.  I'm trying NC for the reasons you mentioned-  my mom just sucks the life out of me and it takes days to recover from a call, voicemail, email. etc.  It makes me crazy that SO much of my energy and time and head space is sucked up by this relationship with her and how to handle it.  Even with NC, I'm talking at weekly therapy about moving past this, how to deal with her, my guilt, focusing on me, etc.  I'm also trying yoga, meditation, mindfulness, living in the present, but I'm super new to it all which is one of the reasons why I am choosing NC right now bc I just don't feel like I can learn these new skills and deal with mom drama at the same time.   
My parents also choose to live in their misery and refuse to see that it's a choice.  I just couldn't deal with the blame anymore and beating my head against the wall watching them choose drama and misery when there are other options.  NC felt like a relief in the beginning (4 months ago) but now it's causing anxiety.  I feel a deep sense of guilt with the cut ties.  But then intense dread at the thought of even limited contact. 

I'm curious to take a look at the book you mentioned.  I have never read about Empaths but you've struck a chord with things you mentioned... interesting.

[TelHill]

 

Welcome!

My spiritual beliefs have helped me quite a bit lately. I'm facing some new challenges and am spending more time than ever seeking clarity. I am trying to balance the suffering of life, made worse by dealing with bpd issues, with going forward. My challenge is to build friendships. Like your mother, mine ridiculed me constantly growing up. One of her own challenges was hanging onto friendships, so she transferred her fears onto me. I was not allowed to have friends. If some did slip through the cracks, my mother put them down for some hard to see flaw. Since the people were flawed, I was flawed to attract these losers. The other kids and I were perhaps six or seven. 

[Lstrayed]

Tryingforzen- Hi! I just realized it was your post about the B-day present that I responded to. We seem to have a lot in common right now! I agree 100% that it is too difficult to get yourself in the right head space while having contact. I feel like I've given so much of my life to the chaos that I owe it to myself and kids to get centered. The book was good and I recommend it. However, it is a pretty harsh(realistic) look at the cycle of abuse(which maybe I needed!) The author uses narcissists as her main focus but it's so similar to bpd, and I believe my mother is also narcissistic! It was SO my mother and it was SO me running back for more abuse in the false belief that I can somehow "help" The author even goes into the health effects of continuing the relationship/cycle. It was a real eye opener! I can honestly say after reading it I realize how toxic she really is to me. I said it was kind of harsh mainly because she urges no contact...sort of a "save yourself, they will never change" mentality. Which.. is what I need right now. I hope that one day I will be solid enough in my strength and spirituality to not let her affect me, but I'm not there yet. I realize now that I need to give myself the time to get there. On a different note..If you're into reading and spirituality I recommend Wayne Dyer, Abraham Hicks, Gabrielle Bernstein, Louise Hay...if you're not already reading them! Nice to know there are other "seekers" out there! I hope to hear more from you! Stay strong!

TelHill-I totally understand! My mom also ridiculed ANY friendships I ever had! She had no friends and we had nothing to do with ANY family(mom's and dad's side) I had no grandparents, aunts or uncles, etc. So there was NO ONE around to question her behaviors or to confide in. It was very isolating! Although I had a few close friends growing up she HATED them and any time she didnt like how I was acting she would bring them up and scream that I was acting just like them. She also sabatoged many friendships throughout my childhood. One she didn't admit to until I became an adult! Between that and the constant criticism I faced it's not hard to figure out why I also have a hard time making friends now as an adult. I have one close friend from highschool(who lives far away) and my husband... I would say those are the only two people who truly know me! I have a few other "mom friends" I get together with occasionally. I find it VERY difficult to open up and really get close to people. I feel like I have so many walls up that people don't particularly take to me. It's difficult but I'm hoping maybe it's something that therapy will help with. I'm trying view the therapy in a more positive way. Instead of looking at it as time wasted on my mother, I'm trying to see it as time to focus on these sorts of issues and fix the things in me I need to fix! Thanks for your response! It helps to know there are others out there like me!