Setting boundaries

[Momb]

This is my first post. My 34 year old son has moved across the country to the small town where we live.  He was diagnosed as bipolar at age 15, but has not been on medications or in therapy since age 18.  He has spent 10 months out of the last year homeless but had kept his job for 3 years.  He became very depressed, quit his job, and came to join us.  He is resistant to any therapy.  My 2 daughters and their families ( with an 11 month old and a 2 year old) also live here. We are in the process of setting boundaries to encourage his independence, ensure our sanity, and protect our daughter’s families.  What a difficult and lonely place, trying to work our way through loving but not enabling. Sigh...

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Momb
Welcome to the group. I am glad you found us. This is a great place to get reliable information and support. I can see how having your son in close proximity would be hard on you and your family. Does he live in your house with you? Has he ever been diagnosed with BPD or only Bipolar Disorder? You are very wise to be thinking about setting healthy boundaries. Here is an article that may help. Setting Boundaries
I will be interested in hearing your thoughts about it. We are all here for you. You are not alone.
Hugs
Faith

[Momb]

Thank you, Faith!
He has never been diagnosed with bpd.  He will not see a therapist and does not want a diagnosis confirmed.  Our daughter and son-in-law are both psychologists and they feel he fits the bpd diagnosis.  He does not live with us - he went through rehab 10 years ago and one of the outcomes was the boundary that he does not live with us.  We all like each other much better when he does not live in our home! 
The article was excellent. It reinforced some known principles and also provided some new revelation.  The concept that a "boundary" is really just living out our core values is very freeing.  We are having to work at translating that concept and "giving it feet" for our situation.  i.e.  We have decided to no longer give him money; there is always a crisis or need.  We have a core value of managing our money responsibly, saving for unexpected expenses, and planning ahead in setting our budget.  Therefore, we can not spend money for another adult in a way that would be against our core values of spending money for ourselves.  "We would be very happy to help you plan a budget, a saving plan, etc..."  We will no longer protect him from the consequences of his financial irresponsibility by pouring money into crisis situations.  Does this sound like the correct application of this principle?  Any comments are very welcome! 

[PeaceMom]

This sounds spot on! I, too, struggle with providing financial assistance to my young adult children who are having a rough go. It just feels wrong and against my core values to assist.

May I ask a few questions as I’m always trying to learn from others here. How old is DS? Does he hold down a steady job and manage fairly well living on his own? Please only answer if you are comfortable doing so.

I ask bc my DS 24 BP1 w/Some BPD symptoms struggles so much with life skills and money management. He lives with us but desperately wants to move out.

What is your greatest concern about withholding financial support?

[PeaceMom]

Oops sorry I see his age and that he’s steady in job for 3 years. That is remarkable especially during a homeless period.

[FaithHopeLove]

It sounds to me like your financial boundaries are entirely appropriate. I wonder
 Why do you think he moved back to your home town? Is he looking for a family connection? Could it be a healthy one?

[Bluemoon23]

I was wondering that too Faith. Have they come back for family connections...

It's so good you have psychologists in the fam - I do too and it's really something I'm so grateful for and appreciative of as most people don't.

It's funny the financial thing came up this past week with my 24 year old too and I have to stay strong in not lending them or giving them money. It's hard for me though. When I was growing up my grandmother was there for me when I needed money and I could always count on her. But as my psychologist sister reminded me - I was working and paying bills and that's a lot different then my kiddo who receives over $1000 a month - so where did all of their September disability money go?

Even though my 24 year old never asked me I felt bad and went to bed fretting and worrying and woke up fretting and worrying. I have to stop doing that. It's their choices what they do with their own money and I am going to work on staying strong and saying at this time I'm not prepared to offer financial support.

Thank you for sharing and stay strong. It's good you are here and finding things to help you.

[Momb]

Hey, Peacemom,
Sorry for the delayed reply.  And thanks all for the comments.
Greatest concern giving him $$...hum...  I do not feel he can progress in his life unless he chooses self sufficiency and self reliance in this area.  It is a pattern and a never ending need.  If he can not manage his money he will always be operating in crisis mode and making decisions and pleas in panic.    And it is never ending.  When he was on the street and working full time, he still had no money? 
Another concern is the uncomfortable position in which it puts us.  I feel resentful when he misuses his money and then we are left to pour money in to rescue him. 
It also hinders the improvement in the relationships with his siblings.  When they see us not holding boundaries, they are angry with him for putting us in that position and under the stress.  This is a new realization for us - the more we coddle him the more they "dislike" him.  They just do not seem to have that mommy heart for him  
We have also realized that deciding upon and stating boundaries in the present is fairly easy.  Holding those boundaries when something then happens in the future is grueling and sometime almost impossible.  It is easy to say "we will give you no more money" - but when he loses a job and can't pay rent and cries about not wanting to be back on the street, whoa! that is a whole new deal.
So back to the boundaries being about us "living according to our values"...and that we can not change him...We have said "no more money" and I have offered to help him budget and save so that he is prepared for crisis.  He has made and cancelled an evening to do this twice.  So we ride it out.  I pray he will choose to budget and save and experience that feeling of being OK when crisis comes up.  But it not - we have to figure out how to stay true to our "no more money" commitment and love him when he has to suffer the consequences.
Yes, I certainly feel he came here with a desire to be close to family.  And I feel that is positive.  He felt abandoned in Seattle (even tho he decided to move from where we were in OK to Seattle).  We (my son and I) have talked honestly once about how his family has to learn to trust him.  The girls do not want their babies around him unless they are there also.  This makes him angry but we remind him that he must talk with his sisters and they will have to work this out and that it will take time.   
 Thanks for listening...

[PeaceMom]

Momb-

I understand exactly what you are expressing. My DS24 can’t hang on to a dime. A few years back he was self medicating with alcohol and drugs so that money went thru his fingers like water. Does your son abuse substances? My son has BP and when he’s a bit manic the spending is out of control, but he still can’t budget when he’s not in a cycle.

I’ve wondered if mine doesn’t have some type of learning disability when it comes to money. Odd because he can get thru college classes so why can’t he plan his spending?

My 4 young adults are all back home and I wonder if, like your son, they are looking to repair family relationships. Things were very fractured over the last 5 years with everyone wounded.

It is very understandable that your daughters are very cautious with their children, but I bet that upsets your DS.

I’ll join you in searching for solutions to push our pwBPD to financial and emotional independence. Unfortunately, I do not believe that lovingly cutting them off financially will solve the problem. That will not teach them the skills that somehow they didn’t learn. Another member here, Lollypop shares how she has assisted her son becoming independent financially.