BP Daughter 31 with son having unprotected sex, may be pregnant

[DadFromFlorida]

Our BP Daughter, 31 with a 2-year-old son lives with us.  She came back home a few months ago after cheating on her last (longer-term) boyfriend with his best friend and got pregnant.  He paid for her abortion.  Now we have found out from her sister that she may be pregnant again.  We are there for our grandson.  We are his advocate.  But, we are at a loss as to what to do with this behavior.  We made sure that she got her birth certificate, SS card, and State ID so she could get a job, but she appears to be sabotaging any interviews that she may get by being late or going to the wrong location.  I really think the believes that if she gets pregnant, we will stop pushing her to get a job and move out.

She uses her son as a pain point on us.  If she did not have a child it would not be so difficult.  Her son is special needs, so she does get about $400/month for SSI.  I am considering contacting one of the local single mom shelters to send her to.  It may be good for her to hit bottom, but do not want to send the grandson into that environment.  My wife and I cannot even leave the house for 2 hours or she brings guys in.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?  Looking for hope, looking for answers.  My wife and I are in therapy, which has helped, but this is moving faster than we can heal and set boundaries.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

I am so sorry to hear about this situation particularly since a young child is involved. I am not in a similar situation but there are others here who have grandchildren by their BPD offspring.i am sure they will be around shortly to offer their wisdom. It does not seem like your daughter is likely to take any initiative in getting a job so she can move out and you can have your space and privacy back so of course you are looking for alternatives. I would be too. Contacting local shelters for single women sounds like a good idea to me. At the very least you will have a better idea about what the options are. Please keep us posted.

[wendydarling]

Hello DadFromFlorida I join Faith welcoming you.

It's so difficult when grandchildren are involved, I'm not in a similar situation with GC. I too think you are wise to explore all options available and also understand your daughter's behaviours, limitations.

Has your DD been diagnosed, in therapy at anytime?

WDx

[DadFromFlorida]

Hello DadFromFlorida I join Faith welcoming you.

It's so difficult when grandchildren are involved, I'm not in a similar situation with GC. I too think you are wise to explore all options available and also understand your daughter's behaviours, limitations.

Has your DD been diagnosed, in therapy at anytime?

WDx

As a young girl and teenager, our daughter refused any sort of counseling of any kind (her grandmother convinced her that the therapists were trying to poison her mind).  Yes, my family was, shall we say ... interesting.  After she moved out and lived in the UK, she said that she was diagnosed with a depressive disorder.  I don't know if they are as hesitant to diagnose BPD in the UK as they are here (for various reasons), but her BPD pattern was revealed to my wife and I when we started our own therapy almost 2 years ago.  My wife and I have an amazing relationship, but we entered therapy after our daughter moved back home, 7 months pregnant.

We are actually with our 3rd therapist.  The first was very young and moved to another office.  The 2nd retired because she has Stage 4 cancer, but she did actually identify the pattern.  Our current therapist is amazing as she if finally giving us practical advice on how to set boundaries and take care of ourselves.


Interestingly enough, our daughter often posts memes about BPD, so I do wonder if she might have an inkling.  I am not about to suggest it to her as is it not my place.  She did have a Medicaid provided therapist visiting the house for a few months, but it just seemed like she further enabled her by telling her that she deserved "me" time.  Of course, this was from my daughter's perspective.  We didn't attend the sessions, so she may have been transposing what the therapist said.

[wendydarling]

Pleased to hear your latest therapist is amazing.

I just read your past posts, I've caught up with you. I'm in the UK, my DD was diagnosed in 2015, she is also 31. Our personal experience is they diagnose when the adult patient presents themselves in crisis.

Interestingly enough, our daughter often posts memes about BPD, so I do wonder if she might have an inkling

If she does have an inkling, there is insight and that is promising she may in time help herself. Perhaps she was diagnosed.

Does your DD share at any point with you she is struggling?

WDx

[DadFromFlorida]

Does your DD share at any point with you she is struggling?

WDx

Wendy,

First, let me thank you for chatting with me about this.  You are truly a saint for being there for people.  I don't quite understand this question, though.

[JustYouWait]

Dad -

I think the point of WDx's question is that if your DD is sharing that she is struggling, it might be a pretty good indication that she is aware of the problem, as opposed to being in denial about having a problem.


I could be misreading the question and the intent thereof, though.


Keep posting here, it's been my experience that one of us knows *exactly* what you're going through.  No matter what that specific "it" is.


You're not alone.


-jyw

[DadFromFlorida]

Dad -

I think the point of WDx's question is that if your DD is sharing that she is struggling, it might be a pretty good indication that she is aware of the problem, as opposed to being in denial about having a problem.


I could be misreading the question and the intent thereof, though.


Keep posting here, it's been my experience that one of us knows *exactly* what you're going through.  No matter what that specific "it" is.


You're not alone.


-jyw

Thank you for the clarification.  Sometimes she does share her thoughts.  Usually, it is about how the current guy is not giving her the time that she needs.  We try to use reflective speak and empathize as much as possible.  That is still a skill that I am working on.  I know that she so desperately wants to be loved and not abandoned.  If I try to "problem solve" and suggest that she should, perhaps, slow these relationships down, it usually does not bode well for the conversation, so just listening and repeating what she says seems to provide her and us the most peace.

[wendydarling]

JYW got it right  Sorry DFF I retired to bed.

Sometimes she does share her thoughts.  Usually, it is about how the current guy is not giving her the time that she needs.  We try to use reflective speak and empathize as much as possible.  That is still a skill that I am working on.  I know that she so desperately wants to be loved and not abandoned.  If I try to "problem solve" and suggest that she should, perhaps, slow these relationships down, it usually does not bode well for the conversation, so just listening and repeating what she says seems to provide her and us the most peace.

You are developing good skills, some can feel counter intuitive and have to be learnt, be gentle on yourself as you learn, it takes time, breathe. Listening I learnt is key, the skill is providing the calm environment (home, relatinoship) where they feel able to come talk with us and share. And yes you are right when we problem solve for them we are trying to fix, it does not bode well. We can support them in problem solving using the skills here, we change our approach.

If you've not yet read I recommend The Power of Validation

Stay with us   bpdfamily has been life changing for me and can be for you and your wife.

WDx