Nyvark627
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3
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« on: September 29, 2019, 08:16:00 PM » |
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I've been reading posts on here for a while now but never really knew what or how to say anything. I apologize for my likely long post, my mind is all over the place.. I'm trying to figure out how to not be so affected by things in my marriage and unfortunately it's brought me to the point of feeling like my wife deserves better than me. Someone who can not be so affected. I want nothing more than for us to work out but I don't know how.
I'll attempt to explain our situation as best as I can without turning it into a venting situation.
Little back story of us and leading up to her diagnoses.
My wife (23) and I (27) have been married for only 8 months now, and she was diagnosed with BPD about 5 months ago. Along with having childhood trauma, ptsd and other things (her family hasn't been the greatest while growing up). When we first met she was a daily weed smoker (since 12), drank more days than not (since 15) and smoked cigarettes. We became friends, and it was evident we were having feelings. I made it clear to her that I personally don't get romantically involved with people who drink or do drugs and she understood. Shortly after she decided she wanted to quit those things and give us a shot. She'd always wanted to be sober, and had tried multiple times but never had support. We worked together on it and a month later she was 100% sober.
Since the age of 12 she's been involved with every drug other than meth and heroin randomly up until this point, with weed being a daily thing. This put quite a few bumps in our relationship because she had never been sober for more than maybe a 12hour period for the last decade. At the time we just chalked it up to withdrawls and stress of having no coping mechanisms. Her family (mother and 3 out of 4 siblings) and friends were completely unsupportive because her drinking and doing drugs was "what made her her" and by being sober they didn't even recognize her anymore. They mocked her sobriety and would jokingly offer her things to break it. Along with it all I became a hated person. I was blamed for "changing" her and they turned it into a bad thing. Many threats and insulting conversations later it got to the point of her breaking off contact with them. All they'd bring was negativity even when trying to have simple conversation. This of course added more stress to her on top of everything else along with them blaming me for trying to alienate her from her family. Even though she refused to talk to them, I spent many weeks trying to talk to them after this, trying to get them to understand why she was distancing herself and what she was wanting them to do. None of them would listen though, all were stuck on the fact they did nothing wrong and I was brain washing her to hate them by saying they were bad people. This was far from the truth considering I was trying to keep us all involved, we just wanted them to respect her and have some boundaries. We have contact with her father (divorced) and 1 sibling currently. Both are very supportive of the situation and proud of her for becoming sober.
All of these issues led to multiple verbal fights on a week basis because she was blaming me for everything going on. She'd get aggressive it punch things, throw things or break things. Always screaming and yelling over the simplist of disagreements. I'm not a yeller, even in fights I talk calmly and normal voice level. Unfortunately this makes her more upset because I seem fine. I hate fighting, and always just try to ask if we can not fight or make this not as big of an issue as it is. She finally starting getting in my face screaming during fights and then would hit things near me (never myself) so she finally saw a doctor for her anger and was assumed to be Bipolar. This made us decide to seek out a therapist who diagnosed her with BPD instead.
Which brings us to now. She not on medicine because the 2 they tried gave her severe side affects. We're currently waiting for her to see a psychiatrist for a better prescription. She's on her 2nd therapist now (only had 1 session) because the 1st somehow forgot things they'd talk about on a weekly basis so there's been little progress on getting her any help.
The problem though is without us she won't get help. She was diagnosed with depression at 15 but got no help for it other than stay high and drink more (her mom owns a bar, and brother was her drug dealer). And has been suicidal/ self harming since 12. She sees no reason to get better for herself if we aren't together, and if we ever divorced she'd just go back to drugs and being an alcoholic so she wouldn't have to deal with her "mental issues" (her words). However.. on ATLEAST a monthly basis (sometimes weekly) i'm being threatened with divorce.
Random things set her off at any point in day and any location. Whether in person or not. I have to be an emotionless robot. If I have a bad day at work or am just feeling down then she gets upset because i'm not happy. If something is bothering me or I just want some reassurances, pep talk or anything with us I can't talk to her about it because i'm "blaming" her for something and she gets upset. If we do talk I have to "talk dumb" to her (her words again) because she claims to not be able to focus on things unless it's very simple otherwise it "fizzles" away while she's thinking about it. However most times it comes down to I need to shut up and stop talking to her because she doesn't want to talk about it. Doesn't matter if it's about her saying she wants a divorce, i'm concerned about her doing drugs again, or me just saying i'm sad because I feel unwanted. If she doesn't want to talk, we don't talk, otherwise it's a fight. Which then turns into either hateful things being said or threats of divorce.
Everything comes down to my fault. My fault with her family, friends, sobriety, and her BPD. If I hadn't gotten her sober she'd never know she had BPD, or she'd still "feel happy". If I hadn't gotten involved her family and friends would still be involved. It gets so built up and then thrown onto me to where she wants to end us so she can "go back to how things were". I've been told she hates me, I'm worthless, she wishes she could go back in time and never talk to me so that I'd never come into her life. She doesn't love me, can never be in love with me, doesn't care about me because i'm "too inconvenient to care about" or i'm not worth caring about. She doesn't care i'm her husband, or her behavior is disrespectful. She's her own person and will do what she wants. I've cried at times infront of her over these things and asked her to please stop. I've told her I just want to know my wife cares about me or loves me and all i'll get back is too bad or I don't care. Once I was told to just man up and get over it because boo hoo my wife doesn't care about me and i'm just a crybaby. Along with many many other things that get said on atleast a bi monthly basis. One particular instance she thought I was going to commit suicide (I wasn't, and don't plan to). But she said she thought I was going to kill myself because I was sitting in the bathroom after another fight. Even though I told her no, she insisted she didn't believe me but oh well and left. Later that night I asked her why she left if she really thought I was going to kill myself and she said because if you wanna die fine, I don't want to interrupt you. I know it could be taken a lot of ways, but I did and have taken it in a way of her not caring.
Anyways.. when she's not fighting with me or upset she's the most amazing person in the world. She's constantly cuddly, saying I love you. She misses me. She can't imagine her life without me and is so thankful and glad I came into her life. Leaves random notes around the house and my car for me to see. Constantly talking and wanting to do things together. Talking about our future, kids she wants, places to move and vacation together, holidays etc. She'll tell me sorry for the negative things she said and she didn't mean them. Says she can't control what she says when she's angry and regrets afterwards cause it's not true. Claims she knows it's not my fault and she's thankful for being sober and knows therapy etc is the right way to help her instead of burying it with drugs and alcohol. Obviously admits she misses her family and old friends. But says she knows it's unhealthy to keep them around (therapist's words) and that at present, their negativity and unsupportive behavior is unproductive for her sobriety and mental healing until they change their actions etc. (Side note, after a year of being sober she visited her sister and within 5 minutes had broken her sobriety because they were offering her things, part of the reason the therapist said they're unhealthy and are unsupportive. This resulted in her becoming very suicidal the next day out of guilt for breaking her sobriety). She acts perfect... but it's always short lived. It's only a matter of hours or days before it's all turned 180 and negative.
Which is why I feel so stuck... I don't know what i'm supposed to do anymore. I try so hard to ignore all the negative things but I don't know how. Despite notes and I love yous, in my head i'm constantly hearing her say she hates me or i'm not important etc. I feel lonely, sad and frustrated, as I know she probably does as well. My family has been outstandingly supportive and absolutely loves her despite everything going on. They get it and haven't blamed her for a thing. But I don't like burdening them or overloading them with negative feelings because she feels like they are going to end up hating her so I don't want to give her any reasons to think they do. But i'm not sure what to do to help our situation because it seems all i'm doing is making it worse...
I don't know how to help her not get upset. How to avoid fights and keep her happy. Even if I don't bring things up she gets into her own head thinking about things like her family or her family reaches and starts some drama that then upsets her. I don't know how to not take things so personally. I don't even know if I should believe the things she says when she's in a good mood. Which then makes her upset because she knows I question if she really loves or cares about me which puts her in a bad mood. I don't know how to constantly stay supportive and happy for her with all the negative things she's said being in my head.. Like I said in the beginning, I feel as if I don't even deserve her anymore because i'm not good enough at doing what she needs. And it sucks because I don't want that to be true. I want us to overcome this, enjoy our lives together and stay together happily. I want her to be in a place where she can consistently think that and want it and not only when she's in a good mood. But how?
How do I help her so we can help us? And how do I stop letting the negative things she says affect me so much so I can hopefully help her more productively?
If anyone reads this far thank you. I'm not expecting miracles but atleast letting my situation out feels good. Sorry for how long it was and if I got off topic with things..
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