Sometimes I feel I miss her, but that is too dangerous for my mental health

[clvrnn]

Mod note: This is a continuation of the following thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339497.0

Thank you all for the very insightful replies, they have given me a lot to think about.

@LT - I have decided not to attempt contact. I feel it's not really up to me to keep approaching her, I wasn't the person that broke things up or ruined things and I feel as if I would rather hold on to my pride & dignity at this stage. I think those low moments just make me feel as if I really want to, but I think I've learnt now just to write about them and ride them out, rather than take action.

@CryWolf - Hello! Been following your story closely, how is everything? My uni does have counselling, I'm going to sign up as soon as I go back. I am with you - I believe there is a lot going on behind the scenes, too. My ex didn't seem to be being cold the last time I saw her, more nervous to approach me/feeling ashamed that she'd hurt me. I learnt to read her very well, and I would say that's what was going on. Whether over the summer she had any thoughts about me, I don't know. There was a period of time in which she was adding songs to her Spotify that I had on mine, and I am certain (because they were obscure songs) that she was viewing my profile there.

If she engages with me (which I am doubtful of) I don't know what I'd do. I think more than anything I think the core of what I'm feeling is that I hope seeing me would trigger her into apologising, which she's done before. Admittedly, the apology didn't last as she went on to elicit some of the worst behaviour I've ever experienced, but still. I think validation is at the core of these feelings. If she doesn't reach out, then that's on her. At the end of the day I know I didn't do anything wrong, or to hurt her, or to deserve this and I can return to that uni feeling confident that I have nothing to feel ashamed about. If she can be content hurting someone, seeing them every day and taking no action to make amends, then that will show me who she really is (I've been shown who she is already, but still)

@Yoke - What makes me think she'll come back? Since I've known her, this is her pattern. She's distanced herself from me three times. Each with the same pattern - sudden distance, perhaps an insult or two, then silence, then a sudden reappearance and acting like nothing's happened. The periods between her ending things and coming back also seems to grow each time. I also believe she doesn't have any control over her symptoms, and when the intimacy grows, this stuff kicks in hard. I believe that she does like me, but this thing inside her is bigger than that and bigger than her, and she can't control it. I don't think she will come back, and have prepared myself for it. It's going to be hard, but I will have to deal with it!

You're right also. Nothing will have changed. She regularly speaks of going through ';transformative' experiences, but never seems to truly change. And truthfully, I don't want to go through it again. Sometimes I feel as if I miss her, but all of that is too dangerous for my mental health. I don't think I could risk it. She won't change. At least not with me, maybe she'll meet someone who can reign her in, but it's not me. We broke up in Feb, but due to uni and having to see her in a couple of days, I find that there's still a connection there for me. I believe that if I didn't have to see her again I wouldn't be thinking much about her - but hey.

[clvrnn]

Anyway... only a couple of days to go, well one day, really.

I don't believe anything will happen, but let's see. As my friend put it, I am about to enter the most important year of my degree - the final one. There is no time to get caught up in any thing with this person and I have to, for myself, get the best marks I can. I am petrified of seeing her in case I start feeling everything again, but there's no way out of this and that's it! I just have to try and remain confident that I am not in the wrong, that I am there to get a degree, and that really, she's just a person. A deeply complex person who doesn't seem able to handle intimacy, but that's not for me to take on, anymore.

[CryWolf]

I think with pwbpd they won’t show their emotions but they will feel them a million times more within.

The feelings are so hard for them that they need to shut off all emotions or distract themselves.

I also thought how my ex seemed so happy or moved on but I don’t think she did. They can show a mask to the world but inside be full of anger and regret but won’t ever show it. That will make them too vulnerable.


Also,

Get a new haircut, new clothes, dress GQ as possible.

Look stunning. This will catch her attention and you will feel and look amazing too with or without her attention

Since you asked, Situation with my ex is posted on the bettering section as she reached out to me when I thought there was no chance in hell. Go check it out maybe it can help

[clvrnn]

Also,

Get a new haircut, new clothes, dress GQ as possible.

Look stunning. This will catch her attention and you will feel and look amazing too with or without her attention

Ha, funny you should mention this. Just today I went out and bought a heap of new clothes, and I have a new haircut, new everything. I've been going to the gym 4 times a week, doing everything better. I look SO different from when she last saw me, and I feel amazing if I'm honest. I swear people have been staring at me in public, too - . Also went on a dating site and have been well received there, even though I've done nothing about it - but my confidence has improved, and I feel so much better about myself - as you say even without her attention. But we all like to look better in front of an ex, too, don't we haha. I'll check out your thread now

[CryWolf]

That’s good to hear!

It’ll be hard and your confidence will be yesterday when you see her trust me.

Be weary of dating apps atm as it may add more stress in you’re life when right now we’re trying to get school and you’re ex situated first

[secretgirl]

Hi clvrnn,
I think most of the stuff I say has already been covered.. I have also been dating a guy with bpd for the past 7-8 months-ish (don't know the exact date I met him just roughly the month).
and we have on and off fights a lot... and no matter how BY the book you go, it'll never work because until you let go of the fear of their reaction like Coldknight said... we won't ever be able to have the CONFIDENCE to be with them regardless. They'll always win... my ubpdbf always finds my weak spots and hits me there when he's upset just to project his pain. and then i bawl my eyes out like a baby.

My ubpdbf and I are fighting now again and he's giving me the ST which he usually does when he's mad... and I always used to think during these times he's out there having the time of his life etc but I guarantee, they're actually more miserable than you or I. Unless they've completely painted you black (which they would've known for a long time now... ) then I know they feel just as sh*it as you or me. So, if that makes you feel ANY better, there it is. I know in these moments my ubpdbf pretends he doesn't care but secretly he's probably crying his eyes out, and binge eating and smoking to NO END. But like your girl, he's stubborn and has a lot of pride... so it's usually ME who contacts him and caves.

I'm so thankful I signed up for this boardroom , lots of people have been helping me see things a lot more clearly and the best thing to focus now is on YOU.
Like Crywolf said, focus on becoming more confident... focus on KNOWING your values.

As much as I wanna cave right now and message my bp, I'm not gonna because our last argument before this, I had told him that
a.) I'm NO longer doing ST as a resolution
and
b.) I'm NO longer going send him huge messages after the ST to BREAK the ST. (It's hard for me to go NC with someone I love so much.. as it is for you).

but guess what? I don't give a rat's arse anymore what he's thinking and you know why? because i set clear boundaries... yeah we feel like sh*it... yeah we can be depressed and lonely without them.. yeah we are gonna have a hard time moving on. That's why we have this boardroom to vent, and have others like us here for us
But what I can say for CERTAIN is that if we ever want a successful r/s with a bpd from what I am taking from the people on this forum, and from my own experiences is that we must become the BEST us that we can.
Take this time as a blessing, as a time to reflect on yourself.. how can you become the best you? what can you work on?
For me, personally, it's setting clear and strong boundaries... and not taking things my bpd says personally during a fight, and figuring out ways to better resolve arguments/communicate more effectively.
But I do know for sure I can't do any of those things when I'm feeling weak, down in the dumps, and suffering from low self esteem myself.
I start to question myself during those times thinking things like "omg did i screw up by sticking to my boundary? he's ignoring me.. should i text him?" and that's bollocks.
I can tell you from now talking to a few of my friends who also have BPD/NPD, nothing is worse for them than someone without boundaries and strength and self respect. They said they crumble with someone like that because not only do my friends tell me that they fear themselves and others, they can't handle the responsibility of taking care of someone else (because they can't even take care of themselves/don't know who they are yet). So one of my BP friends today legit just told me NOT to message him. She even said the words: "he must learn from the consequences of HIS actions."

Trust me i LOVE my man with all my heart... i'm SO obsessed with him... and this break is killing me to no end... BUT am I willing to lose self respect by caving and dealing with MORE of the pain he causes me? Nope. He's gotta learn. He's gotta learn the consequences of his actions just like any other humanbeing.
And what if they don't care that we leave and never wanna come back? then WE won't change them regardless like ColdKnight said...they're gonna repeat the same cycle over and over until they have an epiphany.

Thanks to the user OR, I'm coming to acceptance with my ubpdbf that he could possibly never change... and this is the same with your girl.
So as ColdKnight said, could you handle this forever? and If you want to even attempt, you must first be the best you. The STRONGEST and most CONFIDENT you.
Because when we are strong and confident, do you think a bpd's comments are gonna make us feel like sh*it? f no.
In your head you're gonna be like "f*uck this bitch, i'm right." haha (ok obv not that mean but you get the picture). you're going to be so confident in your own decisions because you've set up your own boundaries, limits, values, etc. that no one will be able to shake you to your core.
Hope this helps uplift you a bit in a time of sadness...
I literally get it... I can empathize. All i Want to do right now is bawl my eyes out, eat a tub of ice cream, binge watch Netflix, and message my bpd asking him how he can go so long so easily without messaging me... LOL but that doesn't help or fix anything.

So IF you want her back ever, or even want to consider being with her again, you have to be the strongest, and most confident you first. If you and I don't have structure in our lives, we don't have strong boundaries, how will we ever be able to be there for a pwbpd? They suffer from much more than we can comprehend in our lives. So imagine when we feel like sh*it, they feel like 100 times more... like my God that must suck. I do have sympathy and I always have for my bf too... but can we take that sympathy and turn it into strength for ourselves? Why are we willing to put in so much effort/energy for them yet not for ourselves?
Just something to think about my friend.

[clvrnn]

That’s good to hear!

It’ll be hard and your confidence will be yesterday when you see her trust me.

Be weary of dating apps atm as it may add more stress in you’re life when right now we’re trying to get school and you’re ex situated first

Thank you

I agree. As much as I think about it, actually being in that room with her is going to be very surreal and I will probably get upset in some way. I'm not naive enough to think that she hasn't been with anyone else, moved on emotionally, etc etc. Of course the opposite may be true too, this may be just as difficult for her...God only knows. Just have to hold my head high, show no emotion and be as cool as possible.

Dating apps - you're right! That's why I haven't really done much on there, and while I'm building my self-esteem back up I think I have to be cautious using those.

[pest947]

I think with pwbpd they won’t show their emotions but they will feel them a million times more within.

I also thought how my ex seemed so happy or moved on but I don’t think she did. They can show a mask to the world but inside be full of anger and regret but won’t ever show it. That will make them too vulnerable.

Hell Yes, Id have to agree with both points spot on! Think of the mask that was on for you when you met. That mask can and probably is applied in many areas of a BPDs life.

[ColdKnight]

Secret girl said some very valuable things. I believe you have to be the strength in the relationship because they can’t.

It takes a super strong individual to do that. To be their rock or mountain so to speak.

[clvrnn]

Secret girl said some very valuable things. I believe you have to be the strength in the relationship because they can’t.

It takes a super strong individual to do that. To be their rock or mountain so to speak.

I'm not suggesting that's incorrect, but I thought it was the case that strong people wouldn't even be attracted to the instability and chaos of a pwBPD, anyway. A strong person wouldn't put up with random rants, criticism, constant break ups, right? I personally don't believe that they need someone strong. I think they need intense therapy and years of introspection and help, not someone who isn't trained to deal with it.

I went to my ex's sister's house where she laid into me in front of everyone for no reason - strong or not, that's abusive. I don't think it's a case of being strong, really. Maybe I've misunderstood, but hey. My ex also used to say that people who had themselves 'together' intimidated her, and that she struggled to be friends with/date  them, and was only attracted to other broken people as that's what she knew. So...

[clvrnn]

I go back in the morning, to uni. In contrast to yesterday's confident mood, today has been full of anxiety and a panic attack. I have realised that what I am anxious about is going back to uni and having her maintain this silence and avoidance, and never seeing any remorse or acknowledgement, even if it only took the form of a "hello".

For so long, going back to uni and seeing her has been a sort of decider - like, there's been enough time for everything to calm down (which she's needed in the past), no emotions are raw or flared up, there's no conflict. If she doesn't speak to me at all this time, then I'll know it's a lost cause and that this is all over, and I think that's what I'm dreading.

[secretgirl]

I'm not suggesting that's incorrect, but I thought it was the case that strong people wouldn't even be attracted to the instability and chaos of a pwBPD, anyway. A strong person wouldn't put up with random rants, criticism, constant break ups, right? I personally don't believe that they need someone strong. I think they need intense therapy and years of introspection and help, not someone who isn't trained to deal with it.

I went to my ex's sister's house where she laid into me in front of everyone for no reason - strong or not, that's abusive. I don't think it's a case of being strong, really. Maybe I've misunderstood, but hey. My ex also used to say that people who had themselves 'together' intimidated her, and that she struggled to be friends with/date  them, and was only attracted to other broken people as that's what she knew. So...

I think maybe you misinterpreted the word strong with someone who's resistant to being with anyone with any slight problem which is unrealistic. Maybe your interpretation of strong is a person who deals with "no bullsh*it." But I would actually classify that as the opposite of strong... it's unempathetic and those are the people who end up just in the constant "dating phase" because they won't deal with anything remotely "hard" or "annoying" for them.

I agree that some people with set limits and boundaries won't deal with a pwbpd's stuff AFTER a set extent of time... but that's how you have to be.
It's like CK and I said, is this someone you wanna be with forever? Are you willing to be with someone who could possibly ABUSE you forever? these are questions you have to ask yourself because until they have an epiphany, they WILL abuse you... 100% guaranteed because they cant help it. their disorder is too strong... and without therapy, they won't ever come to the realization they're abusing. They can temporarily realize when they're painting you white, and apologize and make promises but the abuse won't stop.
You can only set boundaries for yourself to not be around the abuse. A person strong in their boundaries and limits WILL actually leave if they consistently break an IMPORTANT boundary to them... so you have to figure out YOUR personal limits and boundaries.
Mine is NO ST. I decided that after being discarded a billion times on a weekly basis for the last 8 months... if my ubpdbf can't resolve anything without giving me the ST, then that's MY personal choice. If he wants a break, he needs to VOICE this. He needs to say to me "I need some time to myself now, i'm not ignoring you." I've told him this MANY times, yet he still ignores and yet, I still caved and messaged him every time... and i asked myself WHY? The ST gives me too much anxiety and makes me look like I'm not self respecting by continually breaking my boundary and ALLOWING the behavior.
Swtting a boundary is yours to set. If you can't handle a HIGH one like mine, and think you can't KEEP that boundary, then set it lower. Mine has gotten to the point of NO ST AT ALL. Yours could be something like "If we argue, I need to step away and will come back to you in a few hours or in the evening."
I'm not sure what you want to decide but it's something for you to decide for yourself and once you've figured that and decided, STICK TO IT.
Most of the issue is we aren't consistent... that's what I mean by STRONG. Hope that helps.
But please make sure you realize they're mentally ill... they can't help when they abuse you. and as far as you thinking it's unacceptable, it IS but how much will you put up with? and how will you DEAL with the abuse is YOUR decision. Not mine, no one else's.

[ColdKnight]

I agree with Secretgirl,

They have the emotional intelligence of a young child. When they don’t get what they want they rage, silent treatment, stonewall, ect. It’s like a five year old holding their breath.

Young children need parents to set boundaries. They need parents who give them what they need not what they want. A child wants cake for breakfast but the true loving and caring parent gives them a healthy meal. It may not make them “happy” at the moment but it is what is best for them

If you look at children raised by separated parents. There is usually one parent that is the Disneyland parent “taking them on trips buying them things”. Then there is the disciplined parent who sets and enforces boundaries. Sure as a young kid they prefer the Disneyland parent but when they get older they know who the true parent was and they most often love and respect them more than the Disneyland parent.

People suffering from BPD are a bundle of spinning emotions.
The last thing they need is another bundle of spinning emotions by their side. They need someone they can rely on to set boundaries because they find it so hard to set them for themselves.

And to your comment about strong people not being attracted to these types. I am a very strong person and I set boundaries early and if they continue to cross them I walk away and never look back. Never...

And...this girl got to me. She brought me to my knees. The only person ever to do that in my life. I knew I needed to set boundaries in the beginning but I could not bring myself to do it with her for some reason.

So it can happen to anyone my friend...

[secretgirl]

I agree with Secretgirl,

They have the emotional intelligence of a young child. When they don’t get what they want they rage, silent treatment, stonewall, ect. It’s like a five year old holding their breath.

Young children need parents to set boundaries. They need parents who give them what they need not what they want. A child wants cake for breakfast but the true loving and caring parent gives them a healthy meal. It may not make them “happy” at the moment but it is what is best for them

If you look at children raised by separated parents. There is usually one parent that is the Disneyland parent “taking them on trips buying them things”. Then there is the disciplined parent who sets and enforces boundaries. Sure as a young kid they prefer the Disneyland parent but when they get older they know who the true parent was and they most often love and respect them more than the Disneyland parent.

People suffering from BPD are a bundle of spinning emotions.
The last thing they need is another bundle of spinning emotions by their side. They need someone they can rely on to set boundaries because they find it so hard to set them for themselves.

And to your comment about strong people not being attracted to these types. I am a very strong person and I set boundaries early and if they continue to cross them I walk away and never look back. Never...

And...this girl got to me. She brought me to my knees. The only person ever to do that in my life. I knew I needed to set boundaries in the beginning but I could not bring myself to do it with her for some reason.

So it can happen to anyone my friend...

I completely agree with CK 100%... I'm also generally a NO BS person.. and if anything before my parents died, and before i was able to empathize MORE with others, i was a bit cold . I was definitely emotionally unintelligent (immature) to the point where someone would do or say something that would be against my morals/boundaries and i'd cut them off cold turkey after the FIRST time and tell myself "they just don't get me." Which was ALSO unhealthy to the complete OPPOSITE spectrum of being codependent and allowing people to get away with more than they should (which is what I'm like now after my parents passed).

So it's definitely hard to find the balance but I believe you can do it!
And I used to think a boundary was like an ultimatum which my T taught me that it's not... she said if I'm setting my boundaries too high, it's OKAY to change them. But then it's about the consistency... like CK said with the child analogy... they need a "parent", so to speak, to help "keep them in line." Probably why BPD's are usually ATTRACTED to strong people who have empathy... because they actually WANT someone to TELL them what to do half the time. I think that's why a lot of BPD's are actually attracted to narcissists too.. and tend to actually almost do better with narcissists because narcissists don't pick up on their heightened emotions but then they psychologically abuse BPD's more and further damage them. But if we can have the empathy and care of a codependent, while maintaining strong boundaries, I think that's the key to being with a BPD. I'm still trying to figure this out myself... it's HARD!

It's a hard hard journey. I'm just happy we have this boardroom to vent.

[clvrnn]

OK well I saw her today. She came in and sat where we used to sit - I was already sitting a few seats along from there, as I knew she’d probably sit there and I didnt think it was really a good idea to sit there. She came in and didn’t speak to anyone, and was quite quiet throughout. Which is different to how she was acting in class just after the break up (life of the party) and the way she acted today was very similar to how she came in and acted the first time she ended things (she later engaged with me).

I found the lecture a bit difficult to focus on. She was literally two seats along from me. People sat next to me, asked me (before she arrived) if she was coming in, I said I didn’t know, we haven’t spoken for a while. It was weird really. I felt very overwhelmed in that I didn’t really know anyone else and during breaks everyone was chatting etc. During those breaks I was silent and so was she. At the end I got up and just left the room as I didn’t see any point in hanging around. At one point I got up to speak to the lecturer and I’m sure ex pwBPD was looking at me but I’m not certain.

I’m on my way home now and feel quite sad/upset. Of course this silence of hers doesn’t mean anything as before she did this and then spoke to me, but also it does - six months have passed she could be with someone else, not feel anything, etc etc. I feel sad that this is the situation, and realise she has a full life away from uni that I know nothing about. I don’t feel part of her life enough to message her or speak to her, she successfully created a massive distance and I feel powerless to do anything about it. If it carries on like this it will be upsetting but I can’t do anything about it.

[secretgirl]

OK well I saw her today. She came in and sat where we used to sit - I was already sitting a few seats along from there, as I knew she’d probably sit there and I didnt think it was really a good idea to sit there. She came in and didn’t speak to anyone, and was quite quiet throughout. Which is different to how she was acting in class just after the break up (life of the party) and the way she acted today was very similar to how she came in and acted the first time she ended things (she later engaged with me).

I found the lecture a bit difficult to focus on. She was literally two seats along from me. People sat next to me, asked me (before she arrived) if she was coming in, I said I didn’t know, we haven’t spoken for a while. It was weird really. I felt very overwhelmed in that I didn’t really know anyone else and during breaks everyone was chatting etc. During those breaks I was silent and so was she. At the end I got up and just left the room as I didn’t see any point in hanging around. At one point I got up to speak to the lecturer and I’m sure ex pwBPD was looking at me but I’m not certain.

I’m on my way home now and feel quite sad/upset. Of course this silence of hers doesn’t mean anything as before she did this and then spoke to me, but also it does - six months have passed she could be with someone else, not feel anything, etc etc. I feel sad that this is the situation, and realise she has a full life away from uni that I know nothing about. I don’t feel part of her life enough to message her or speak to her, she successfully created a massive distance and I feel powerless to do anything about it. If it carries on like this it will be upsetting but I can’t do anything about it.

Awe I'm sorry... it is hard for sure especially when you two are in class together... that would KILL me. I had a friend like that and her bf was a pwbpd and she worked with him every day... SO brutal. and he would STARE her down when she talked to customers accusing her of flirting etc. The list goes on and on... but yeah... her silence could be anything. Could be sadness due to you, could be sadness due to another guy, could just be having an emo moment cause of god knows what. BPD's are just like us just more emotional and not as rational when it comes to logical thinking/problem solving. I'm having such a hard time now too missing my bf it SUCKS. it always will suck when dealing with people who don't think like non's.
When will you not have classes with her anymore? how long will this last?
Good for you by the way for not staying after class and caving to talk to her... there's not much for you to say at this point... you've tried reaching out MULTIPLE times and she's not reciprocating.

[ColdKnight]

I think you handled yourself very will considering the situation. It’s tough but you are doing the right thing. She is the one who ended it so it has to be her decision to reinstate contact. If you try she could very well over react and make some sort of complaint. There are several members who have had that exact
same thing happen.

I work with mine and although I want to see her I do whatever I can to avoid her. I have skipped significant work events to avoid her.

Stay strong. I know how hard this is for you.

[clvrnn]

@Secret - we have these classes until April, May... not sure, but a while. I have no idea what her silence is about, but I think I'm exhausted trying to work her out. It could have well been that she wanted to say hello, but I think I am also past the point of making excuses for her. I don't know if you've seen any of my other posts, but this year and the months following her 'discard' of me were the toughest of my life.

I almost ended my life several times, almost quit the degree, almost lost all of my friends, had a mental breakdown. All because of the impact of her and her behaviour, the ripples it sent across my life. Making excuses for her or trying to work out what this/that means seems to be the last thing on my mind right now. I may well feel different tomorrow or in an hour, but for now I just don't know why I expected her to do anything differently. This is how she has done things from day one.

@ColdKnight - hey. Yes, you're right. That's why I didn't really engage or say anything. It's not for me to do that. I also do not want to be rejected again or to put myself in any more pain, which is what interactions with her seem to lead to. I think I handled myself well too, after such a long summer dreading all of this, I felt a lot more in control than I thought I would. It's still upsetting, and I do still wonder if she'll do or say anything, but all I can do is wait and see. I feel exhausted by everything I've felt over the summer, maybe it's best if she doesn't engage with me again.

ALso thank you, I will do my best to stay strong.

[secretgirl]

@Secret - we have these classes until April, May... not sure, but a while. I have no idea what her silence is about, but I think I'm exhausted trying to work her out. It could have well been that she wanted to say hello, but I think I am also past the point of making excuses for her. I don't know if you've seen any of my other posts, but this year and the months following her 'discard' of me were the toughest of my life.

I almost ended my life several times, almost quit the degree, almost lost all of my friends, had a mental breakdown. All because of the impact of her and her behaviour, the ripples it sent across my life. Making excuses for her or trying to work out what this/that means seems to be the last thing on my mind right now. I may well feel different tomorrow or in an hour, but for now I just don't know why I expected her to do anything differently. This is how she has done things from day one.

@ColdKnight - hey. Yes, you're right. That's why I didn't really engage or say anything. It's not for me to do that. I also do not want to be rejected again or to put myself in any more pain, which is what interactions with her seem to lead to. I think I handled myself well too, after such a long summer dreading all of this, I felt a lot more in control than I thought I would. It's still upsetting, and I do still wonder if she'll do or say anything, but all I can do is wait and see. I feel exhausted by everything I've felt over the summer, maybe it's best if she doesn't engage with me again.

ALso thank you, I will do my best to stay strong.

Hey C.
I totally understand your frustrations... I actually BROKE my ST with my ubpdbf today because its been almost 6 days now... and it backfired on me I honestly just wanted closure because I can't be sitting in the dark for days, weeks, months ... GOD knows how long... and he snapped and deflected and acted like he didn't give a f*uck and how IM the one who threw HIM away and basically I just feel like he's taking me for granted and my codependency etc. so I decided to end it myself. I literally just told him if he ever wants to be with me and work this out, he can contact me from now on... and figure HIS stuff out. I've tried.. I've tried being a mature adult, explaining my FEELINGS, and still he plays it off and pretends like none of this is HIS fault at all... I'm not expecting him to take blame though that's where he's getting confused... I'm expecting him to be responsible for HIS half so It's over. and he thinks it isn't.. he legit said "ok have a nice break, you'll  be back." like... F U buddy. LOL I was legit just like "this is no break anymore. It's over." and left it at that...
I'm honestly sad too I just lost my best friend who I spoke to pretty much every day (besides our ST times). But it is what it is...
I'm SO SORRY that you went through and tried to end your life... and I am SO glad to hear you no longer want to do that... and you're right it's EXHAUSTING AF. So this is the time to take to yourself... just how it is for me. Whether or not my bf contacts me ever again will be on him. I'm drained as hell too just how you are. and we need to work on ourselves like I've said in the previous posts. We both need to reflect on why we dealt with so much sh*it? and maybe how could we make things better/work next time around if they come back?

Use this thread to vent and get it ALL out. We are here for you! We've all been in this boat at some point or another... or for some, STILL going through it.
You should be PROUD of yourself for starting to NOT care about how she feels/her reactions etc. It means you're drained and it's time to focus on your own mental and emotional well-being. If you feel like breaking , just message on here, get our support to make yourself feel better.