Is she trying to get me to end it?

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Am I supposed to break up with her? Is that why she keeps saying hurtful things?  i can’t take this.. why doesn’t she end it?

Tonight she said “i was a terrible partner”, went on and on about selfish I am (which is a hurtful word because of past abusive relationship). She said all the things that was like a lost of justification to end the relationship:

“You are a burden when you are here. i have to carry you.”
No idea what that is about.. I shop for food, make meals, clean up, help put kids to bed, play with the kids and so on when I’m there. i LIVE AN HOUR AWAY and am there on weekends. But for the last 3 weeks she has pretty much had me in the silentvtreatment zone, and then had all kinds of reasons why I shouldnt come over (eg “I’m trying to limit distractions”.. “use the time to get your work done”).

Apparently she’s upset because she was called away for a work thing (not really part of her job) and her plane leaves early Friday morning. She needs someone to take her daughter to school.  She asked me about my schedule -I have a meeting at 9am. i didnt say no. But then she said “you wont be back in time -I’ll figure it out”. Then she told me today that she was mad at me for not doing it. Really mad- she says i’m never there when its needed  which is not true. I’ve done all kinds of things -chaperoning, driving people to airports, spending 12hours in airport while there was a problem and more.. so mich more.. cleaning up throw up, taking care of people..

Here’s the thing though-I’ve been working hard on establishing a boundary.. she treats me like PLEASE READ for 3 weeks and then expects me to just jimp in to help.. i had been doing that all summer. She should not have agreed to go if she didnt have a plan in place.. she prides herself on “figuring things out” without planning.  But this is what happens.

We had BOTH made a plan about moving in together.. i was moving closer in Feb(logistically i have to pack up 2 places, close an estate, and there is a serious legal matter at hand plus I’m by myself doing this and my job and more). Then we would find a place to live together in the summer. Money is also an issue related to timing and moving. Then today I hear how the move is never happen, relationships shouldnt be so hard.. and all this BS.. when she knows that logically there is  a reasonable logistical, timing issue (and by the way she’s not doing anything to help make this possible). I’ve been looking for places to rent and she accused me of lying.

Is this someone who really doesnt want us to live together?

I told her if she wanted to end the relationship she should do it.

At one very tiny point that quickly went away she said she’s scared that it may not happen (honestly i’m not really sure what she said). She really has never believed that i’m “in” anyway. She expects me to drop everything every single time somethkng japlens.. its chaos. I cant do it everytime.

She tests me and i’ll never pass —

Is this all a sign that she wants ME to end it?

[secretgirl]

Am I supposed to break up with her? Is that why she keeps saying hurtful things?  i can’t take this.. why doesn’t she end it?

Tonight she said “i was a terrible partner”, went on and on about selfish I am (which is a hurtful word because of past abusive relationship). She said all the things that was like a lost of justification to end the relationship:

“You are a burden when you are here. i have to carry you.”
No idea what that is about.. I shop for food, make meals, clean up, help put kids to bed, play with the kids and so on when I’m there. i LIVE AN HOUR AWAY and am there on weekends. But for the last 3 weeks she has pretty much had me in the silentvtreatment zone, and then had all kinds of reasons why I shouldnt come over (eg “I’m trying to limit distractions”.. “use the time to get your work done”).

Apparently she’s upset because she was called away for a work thing (not really part of her job) and her plane leaves early Friday morning. She needs someone to take her daughter to school.  She asked me about my schedule -I have a meeting at 9am. i didnt say no. But then she said “you wont be back in time -I’ll figure it out”. Then she told me today that she was mad at me for not doing it. Really mad- she says i’m never there when its needed  which is not true. I’ve done all kinds of things -chaperoning, driving people to airports, spending 12hours in airport while there was a problem and more.. so mich more.. cleaning up throw up, taking care of people..

Here’s the thing though-I’ve been working hard on establishing a boundary.. she treats me like PLEASE READ for 3 weeks and then expects me to just jimp in to help.. i had been doing that all summer. She should not have agreed to go if she didnt have a plan in place.. she prides herself on “figuring things out” without planning.  But this is what happens.

We had BOTH made a plan about moving in together.. i was moving closer in Feb(logistically i have to pack up 2 places, close an estate, and there is a serious legal matter at hand plus I’m by myself doing this and my job and more). Then we would find a place to live together in the summer. Money is also an issue related to timing and moving. Then today I hear how the move is never happen, relationships shouldnt be so hard.. and all this BS.. when she knows that logically there is  a reasonable logistical, timing issue (and by the way she’s not doing anything to help make this possible). I’ve been looking for places to rent and she accused me of lying.

Is this someone who really doesnt want us to live together?

I told her if she wanted to end the relationship she should do it.

At one very tiny point that quickly went away she said she’s scared that it may not happen (honestly i’m not really sure what she said). She really has never believed that i’m “in” anyway. She expects me to drop everything every single time somethkng japlens.. its chaos. I cant do it everytime.

She tests me and i’ll never pass —

Is this all a sign that she wants ME to end it?

No it’s not a sign of her wanting you to end it , quite the opposite actually ... if she’s saying those things consider yourself lucky because it means she cares !
The more a bpd cares i think , the more projecting she will do , testing etc ...
be a rock. If my ubpdbf comes back to me after our fight now that’s what I’ll be . We have to learn to not be robotic but also be super strong and accept that WE can’t be the emotional ones ... it sucks but it is what it is. She needs you to be emotionally unreactive to her tests etc . But also not let her overstep boundaries . I’m starting to realize this now that I’ve spent five days in silent treatment from my bf. (Unsure if our relationship is even a relationship anymore ? Lol but who cares).
I’ve stated my limits . If he can’t respect them, then he can continue being childish on his own. He knows I’m here for him. So does your girl... so be patient , keep showing her you’re there but keep stating your limits and be confident in your limits and boundaries... if you’re not ok being in a relationship where you can’t be the emotional one , then being with a bpd isn’t for you and that’s totally ok... I’m very sensitive and emotional too so it’s something I have to decide for myself at the moment ... asking myself , “do I WANT to push my feelings aside for theirs ? “ sometimes I answer yes, sometimes I answer no. But I think it’s just because I’m a codependent and have to work on myself also... but the reality is , unless they go through therapy, they won’t change. They might ... but it’ll be a slow process.

[Notwendy]

I think it's important to not try to mind read.

I think we have that tendency in relationships, but when we do that, we are imposing our own feelings into it.

Is she trying to get you to break up or not? Well, we can't read minds can we? That's a boundary.

Often both people have poor boundaries in these types of relationships.

I do think people say things they don't mean when they are angry and that someone who has BPD can do this when they are dysregulated. It's hard to let these things roll off your back, but I also think it's good to not be reactive. You mentioned past abuse- if you have been in a series of abusive relationships, then you may want to work on why/how this happens. For some of us here, we were raised with dysfunctional or abusive parent(s) and that has made it difficult to recognize when we are getting involved with an abusive person.

There is a "push pull" pattern to relationships with a pwBPD " I hate you don't leave me". It seems the dysfunction increases as the intimacy does. This may be why you are seeing more of this when you visit and stay and less when you are at a distance.

Rather than try to figure out what she wants, it helps to focus on your feelings, your wishes. I think it is safe to say that what you see when you visit is what things will look like if the two of you are living together. It is possible to reduce the drama by working on your own reactivity and how she may trigger the history of abusive relationships. Often there are two people reacting to each other. You can start this now, before you decide to move in or not. But the BPD patterns are a part of the disorder.

Sometimes we tend to focus too much on what the other person wants and not our own feelings- but also you can decide what you want. We can't change another person- she is who she is- the parts you love about her and also what you feel is challenging. We can work on our own issues and reactivity which can reduce drama. But don't lose sight of your feelings and what you want- you can also choose to continue in the relationship or not.

[formflier]

I want to second the advice to not mind read.

Most of the time, pwBPD say and do things that are "about" how they feel internally in that moment.  Many times those moments pass and they have and express radically different feelings.

To "people on the outside" this is incredibly puzzling and frustrating behavior (likely an overly kind description).

All of this being said, please believe that what you see is what you get.  This type of thing will likely continue and without healthy intervention, is likely to "get worse".

What kind of thoughts do you have after reading this?

Best,

FF

[Lifeinthefastlane]

 @secretgirl Thanks for your quick reply! This is helpful. I’m sorry you are experiencing  the silent treatment. How do you cope? Doesn’t it hurt?

How do I set limits and —keeping standing my limits and boundaries like you said? She is so emotionally abusive. Its awful and intended to hurt. She calls it shari g her opinion.  Is saying “you’re so selfish and you are a terrible partner” over snd over again an “opinion” -that is hurtful. I cant take it, nor listen to it snymore. Thats my limit. What do you suggest?

[Lifeinthefastlane]

@not wendy—
You’re right about not mind reading. You were right-this morning she didn’t apologize -she did say she “may have said some things she didn’t mean”.. but i need to know that she recognizes these behaviors (the direct abusive talk) as not healthy. Then I have some hope.

I have been noticing the extent of the emotional abuse. I struggle to know what is healthy and not healthy/not normal. That comes from relationship with my father.
How can I be supportive of big problems in her life when I can’t be in her presence for even a short time without her saying cruel things?

[Lifeinthefastlane]

@FF  -you are so right. She says mean things and then the next day its like she doesnt even remember saying them or that what she said wasn’t a big deal? I’ve been thinking alot about your comment about moving in-that her behavior will be like this when we live together.  How do I communicate thst I want to continue to work  on our relationship but the moving in has to be put on hold until we work through things in therapy?

Also she says”I know going to therapy is important to you so I want to support you. Since this is your thing, I’ll let you coordinate it”..  i dont want to go to therapy.  unless she says its something important to her. Otherwise I feel it’ll be a waste and I’ll drive 1.5 hrs just yo hear her dissociate and say dhe doesnt care about my feelings. Is that valid to say?

[secretgirl]

@secretgirl Thanks for your quick reply! This is helpful. I’m sorry you are experiencing  the silent treatment. How do you cope? Doesn’t it hurt?

How do I set limits and —keeping standing my limits and boundaries like you said? She is so emotionally abusive. Its awful and intended to hurt. She calls it shari g her opinion.  Is saying “you’re so selfish and you are a terrible partner” over snd over again an “opinion” -that is hurtful. I cant take it, nor listen to it snymore. Thats my limit. What do you suggest?

I CANT cope it's SOO hard. I had to break the ST today to see where we were at cause we were going on 6 days.. and I want to know if I can start moving on... and he basically raged at me and said in a polite way that everything's my fault and it's my fault I suggested a break and all the other mean things he said... basically further snapped and abused me... like...?
I can't even have a conversation with my ubpdbf LOL he goes like psycho when things aren't going HIS way perfectly. So I get what you mean by they think they don't say anything hurtful. I basically just ended it with my ubpdbf this morning ... I said "ok.. then I guess from all your abusive responses this is goodbye. If you want to mend this, you can come to me." and that was that...

I can't takkkeee the ST at all... it drives me NUTS. so NO ST is my boundary 100%. and moving forward with him or any other r/s. If he messages me and I decide to get back with him I will straight up be like, if w resolve a fight again with ST, It's 100% over. And that DOES sound like an ultimatum in a way, but I honestly can't handle it anymore. If he's going to want space he's going to have to voice that and for how long it is.

In regards to you boundary... I suggest maybe saying "when you say abusive words and/or yell, I can't concentrate on how to fix the issue so I need to step away. I'm not leaving you.. but I can't think while this is happening."
I've done this with my ubpdbf before and it's worked wonders... it almost leaves them stunned like a child... they're like "oh wait, what? you're not gonna listen to me yell at you? oh... what do I do now? " haha 

[Notwendy]

I call these episodes "emotional vomit". People with BPD have difficulty with their own uncomfortable feelings and one way of coping is to project them outward. Once it is over, they feel better and can act like it didn't happen. Only the recipient is covered with the "vomit". I compare it to a little kid who ate too much candy. They have a stomach ache and are crying and upset. Then, they throw it up. Now, they feel better and go off to play as if nothing happened.

Since they feel better now, they assume you do too. Bad feelings all gone.

I've also observed a sort of half way apology. I have a BPD mother who says truly mean and abusive things when she's dissociated. Sometimes she has said " I may have possibly maybe said something ..." Other times, I think she's completely forgotten the episode. Her dissociations act somehow like a brain reset or reboot. Once she's done them and it's over, she feels and acts better. Apologizing can trigger intense shame in them.  

One key to dealing with this, if you choose to stay, is to not take these episodes personally. If you know they are projections, then they say more about the person than you. If you have ever heard a little kid have a tantrum when a parent says "no", they do this too. Sometimes they scream " I hate mommy, mommy is mean she's a poopy face". But adults use more adult language. Toddlers have poor emotion regulation and they learn this as they mature. A hallmark of BPD is poor emotion regulation, and they are basically having a tantrum.

I know it is hard to listen to hurtful words. I do like the idea of not listening to them, simply say, " I care about you but these words upset me and I need to calm down" and then leave the conversation. Notice it's from the "I" perspective. You aren't insulting her, you tell her you care about her, but that it's hard on you.

I also agree that I would not find attending therapy with a pwBPD to be a good experience. I think if your GF wants you to meet with the T to help you understand what is going on with her, an occasional session is useful, but not regularly. I also think that we as partners can benefit from our own therapy (just us), to help us to deal with our part in these relationship dynamics.