hi bdad,
its a complex question you ask, that largely depends on what your goals are.
i agree with you that it would not be a good idea to reenter the relationship if you dont have a solid sense of how (and what) things would be different.
limited or controlled contact has worked well for lots of people who are trying to detach. it takes a lot of strength and commitment. the idea would be to slowly dial back the frequency of contact, and the emotional nature of it...change the relationship, slowly, to something more low key; and possibly (should you decide to) ultimately, fade away. if you go this route, she may sense you pulling back, and she may lash out, or accuse you of playing with her emotions, or of ditching her, or whatever; she may look for an emotional reaction or reassurance.
She says I am playing with her emotions and I don't want to do that. I thought that we could remain friends and I could help her recover and control her disorder
but i think that the bottom line is really resolving whether you are done, or would to reconcile the relationship. as a former romantic partner, it is very difficult to be in the position of emotional caretaker.
our article on Surviving a Breakup with someone with BPD speaks to this:
9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.
You might want to stay to help your partner. You might want to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”. The fact is, we are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for our “BPD” partner – no matter how well intentioned. Understand that we have become the trigger for our partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, we do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. This is a complex defense mechanism that is often seen with borderline personality disorder when a relationship sours. It’s roots emanate from the deep core wounds associated with the disorder. We can’t begin to answer to this. We also need to question our own motives and your expectations for wanting to help. Is this kindness or a type of “well intentioned” manipulation on your part - an attempt to change them to better serve the relationship as opposed to addressing the lifelong wounds from which they suffer? More importantly, what does this suggest about our own survival instincts – we’re injured, in ways we may not even fully grasp, and it’s important to attend to our own wounds before we attempt to help anyone else. You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself – your own emotional survival. If your partner tries to lean on you, it’s a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible.
