Fear, and how to cope with it effectively

[Our abuse recovery guide]

  all.

So my T and I have been discussing things for several months and last week she said something that really resonated with me. She said I am "drenched" in fear. I think she has a point here so I wanted to discuss it and hopefully garner a better understanding of it, and ways in which we can cope.

The origin of my fear no doubt comes from childhood. I grew up in what I see as a very dysfunctional world right now where being myself or speaking up was met with violence. When I was allowed to speak I was very fearful of saying the wrong thing and these things (in my opinion) destroyed my self esteem. As I have been talking about these issues I realize that I have been affected in many ways. I could write a very long list here, but I'm going to stick to a few more of the problematic things i see.

I am fearful of confrontation.
I am fearful of being disliked.
I am fearful of saying/doing the wrong thing.
I am fearful of failure.
I am fearful of abandonment.
I am fearful of loud noises.
I am fearful of voicing my opinion.
I am fearful of anger.

That is just a few but I think you get the picture, fear very much controls most, if not all aspects of my life and has/is causing many problems.

Upon finding out what emotional flashbacks are, I realised that I suffer from them daily. Not just because of current situations in my life, I have always suffered from them and I can see now the effects. I feel that fear restricts and controls me, it is my go to response in many situations. If I cannot flee I most likely will freeze.

To counter this I have been researching bits and Bob's and found the term "emotional literacy". I have been trying to improve my emotional literacy by sitting with my feelings, identifying them and at times letting them go. A big first step for me is acknowledging that there is indeed a flashback happening and to accept it for what it is by realising that today's reality does not fit the emotional response. Sometimes it works and sometimes it does not.

Sometimes the fear is so great I simply dissociate and shut myself down. When this happens there is no thought process like I mentioned above, just numbness and deep sadness, it's as though my brain cannot process, it is very weird and scary at times.

I would be most grateful if others could share their own experiences of fear, what caused it, how it manifests and how you try to cope with it. I'm hoping we can all learn something from each other.

LT.

[Longterm]

  all.

So my T and I have been discussing things for several months and last week she said something that really resonated with me. She said I am "drenched" in fear. I think she has a point here so I wanted to discuss it and hopefully garner a better understanding of it, and ways in which we can cope.

The origin of my fear no doubt comes from childhood. I grew up in what I see as a very dysfunctional world right now where being myself or speaking up was met with violence. When I was allowed to speak I was very fearful of saying the wrong thing and these things (in my opinion) destroyed my self esteem. As I have been talking about these issues I realize that I have been affected in many ways. I could write a very long list here, but I'm going to stick to a few more of the problematic things i see.

I am fearful of confrontation.
I am fearful of being disliked.
I am fearful of saying/doing the wrong thing.
I am fearful of failure.
I am fearful of abandonment.
I am fearful of loud noises.
I am fearful of voicing my opinion.
I am fearful of anger.

That is just a few but I think you get the picture, fear very much controls most, if not all aspects of my life and has/is causing many problems.

Upon finding out what emotional flashbacks are, I realised that I suffer from them daily. Not just because of current situations in my life, I have always suffered from them and I can see now the effects. I feel that fear restricts and controls me, it is my go to response in many situations. If I cannot flee I most likely will freeze.

To counter this I have been researching bits and Bob's and found the term "emotional literacy". I have been trying to improve my emotional literacy by sitting with my feelings, identifying them and at times letting them go. A big first step for me is acknowledging that there is indeed a flashback happening and to accept it for what it is by realising that today's reality does not fit the emotional response. Sometimes it works and sometimes it does not.

Sometimes the fear is so great I simply dissociate and shut myself down. When this happens there is no thought process like I mentioned above, just numbness and deep sadness, it's as though my brain cannot process, it is very weird and scary at times.

I would be most grateful if others could share their own experiences of fear, what caused it, how it manifests and how you try to cope with it. I'm hoping we can all learn something from each other.

LT.

[Maya L]

Hi Longterm!

I recognize myself in a lot of what you wrote here. I'm also afraid of many things, pretty much the list you wrote. My T recently diagnosed me with ptsd and ocd which makes a lot of sense to me with being so afraid of everything. I do realize that the fear originates in that my mom would scold me and freeze me out for making "mistakes" or my father's partner hating me for existing and I was afraid that she would hurt me physically.

I do find therapy to be helping a lot. To talk about the bad memories in detail and try to see what they mean for me. It feels like it helps to just tell some authority figure who listens and confirms that what they did was wrong.

My fears do create a feeling that I need to make sure that I make no mistakes. The other day I did two mistakes in a row. I left some paper in a place on the floor where I thought that someone might slip and fall and I took the subway in the wrong direction. After that I heard the phrase "I hate you, just die" over and over in my head. And then it dawned on me that this was my mother's voice saying "I hate you" and my fathers's partner saying "just die". Because this was the way I was conditioned, when I made mistakes these are the messages that was sent to me as a kid. And now my brain feels the same things when I make mistakes, even though these people are not here to say these things to me.

Another thing that helps is to step by step defying my ocd. Like deciding that I will look if the window is closed instead of having to feel that it is locked. Baby-steps, but still progress. Or taking quick decisions when standing in a shop. If the price is low I wont give myself too much time to think, just decide and walk away. I try to think "so what if the decision turns out to be wrong if it is only about a dollar or so". Not all there yet, but I'm working on it and it does help.

My T also tries to make me talk about the positive people in my life, that they don't expect perfect from me and that we all makes mistakes.

I have tried mindfulness and found that it did help in the moment to get away from those repeating thoughts and just focus on something neutral for a moment.

Good subject to discuss. Looking forward to hearing what others has to say about this kind of fear.

[zachira]

You are doing all the right things in learning how to cope effectively with your fears: going to therapy, practicing mindfulness, and posting here. I have had complex PTSD for years, and have done everything you are describing and with time, I feel much better. I admire your courage in facing your fears, as there are so many layers to unpeel, and as one fear is conquered usually another appears. You will get to a point, where you are happier than you have ever been, yet the trauma you have experienced will likely affect you from time to time. I keep working on being more mindful throughout the day, so I face my feelings before they become overwhelming. Keep up the good work! We are here to support you, listen, and help in any way we can!

[Longterm]

Hi Maya.

I find therapy very helpful too. I often need things to be spelled out to me because I find that thinking some things is somehow wrong. My T does an excellent job in pointing these harsh realities out. Talking about bad memories is very distressing for me but the validation and clarity it brings when discussing it with those that understand is very freeing I feel.

  The other day I did two mistakes in a row. I left some paper in a place on the floor where I thought that someone might slip and fall and I took the subway in the wrong direction. After that I heard the phrase "I hate you, just die" over and over in my head. And then it dawned on me that this was my mother's voice saying "I hate you" and my fathers's partner saying "just die". Because this was the way I was conditioned, when I made mistakes these are the messages that was sent to me as a kid. And now my brain feels the same things when I make mistakes, even though these people are not here to say these things to me. 

I'm sorry that you were made to feel like this. It's the imprinting these words have isn't it that keeps us reverting to these feelings of unworthiness. It's like we cant help it. My T told me to fight these thoughts and remind myself every day that I am lovable and worthy. It comes down to mindfulness I guess. I'm happy that mindfulness is something you practice, I've read that in time flashbacks can reduce significantly. Keep going, you got this 

  Another thing that helps is to step by step defying my ocd. Like deciding that I will look if the window is closed instead of having to feel that it is locked. Baby-steps, but still progress.

I do this. I know its locked, I just locked it I never realised I had to touch it. I like how you are breaking it down and exploring ways to cope.

My T also tries to make me talk about the positive people in my life, that they don't expect perfect from me and that we all makes mistakes.  

Yes we do. Therapists are very good arent they, I always leave sessions in a good mood.

  zachirs

  I keep working on being more mindful throughout the day, so I face my feelings before they become overwhelming.

I see what you mean here, kinda like nipping it in the bud. That must take a lot of awareness. I generally get to a distressed state, then explore from there. Much to learn.

LT

[TelHill]

You are doing all the right things in learning how to cope effectively with your fears: going to therapy, practicing mindfulness, and posting here. I have had complex PTSD for years, and have done everything you are describing and with time, I feel much better. I admire your courage in facing your fears, as there are so many layers to unpeel, and as one fear is conquered usually another appears. You will get to a point, where you are happier than you have ever been, yet the trauma you have experienced will likely affect you from time to time. I keep working on being more mindful throughout the day, so I face my feelings before they become overwhelming. Keep up the good work! We are here to support you, listen, and help in any way we can!

Absolutely to all the above.  I’ve had a lot of therapy. I found a combo of CBT & EMDR to be helpful. Daily meditation is a necessity for me to deal rationally with fears. Even people raised in loving supportive households have them. We have an extra burden with childhood abuse.

I had a fear in my 20s and early 30s of being slapped by strangers and also falling down like I would be pushed. It’s how I was raised by bpd mom. I’d talk back, but you can’t do that at work or in public.

I used CBT with my therapist to question the likelihood of those things happening.  She suggested I make a mistake on purpose - say a word that doesn’t exist like irregardless. Pressed the wrong elevator button way before my floor along with the correct one. No one got off on the floor and some had seen my error. Go out to a restaurant and eat lunch by myself being served. I lived and nothing bad happened.  I turn red when stressed at work meetings. I was afraid coworkers would laugh at me if I was tomato face and think my idea was stupid. My T told me to listen to others & look at their faces when they spoke. Some people had dumb ideas and others turned bright red too. I had never noticed. I was too into my fears. My self talk was if
I turn red so what? It shows my blood is circulating. I have some dumb ideas which were ignored. It happens. I became more at ease (&went to Toastmasters) with failure and rejection.  Things hurt and I felt some fear. I did most of them anyway.


It took a few years of practicing this and changing my self talk.

My late husband was helpful. He had fears but did things anyway. Sometimes it was great and sometimes it turned out to be a lead balloon. He was hurt, felt rejection and ignored. He would sit with the bad feelings. He’d try again. He was had a mildly abusive parent- nothing like mine. My late h was a great person to imitate.

I need friends now. I have my parents and some other unresolved things. I maintain hope that it’ll work out.  I have down days but I keep going with positive truth.  Boy, this is long. I need my laptop to refer to a larger screen. Thinking good thoughts for us all. Feel the fear & do it anyway. Feel the rejection & hurt & shame, but keep going!

[Longterm]

 

 
I used CBT with my therapist to question the likelihood of those things happening.

I had an accident at work in 2011, I was off work for 5yrs and had several ops. I dont think I have ever felt as scared as when I did then. I felt like I could not defend myself if attacked, maybe this was my fear of having flight taken away as an option? I feared leaving the house or having a trespasser enter. I sealed all windows shut, it was horrible. My solicitor got me some private CBT and I cannot speak highly enough about the impact it had on me and your comment resonated with me because my therapist actually questioned me about worst case scenarios. I would say things like "if I go here, I could die or if I go there I could injure myself". We would sit and conjure up all kinds of weird outcomes. She would ask me to imagine and accept it was going to happen before I even went where I was going. Strangely enough, when I had accepted I was going to die it would be easier to go to these places. Shockingly enough I didn't die once  and it made it much easier to get out more, which I did. She also taught me that there is a positive to be taken from any situation, no matter how bad it is. I find this very true and it is now ingrained in me, whenever something bad happens I automatically seek out the positives.

I find that my injuries were a unique experience and these tools do not always work with my current predicaments. I will be going back to CBT at some point hoping to learn new skills in coping.

LT.

[TelHill]

You can get a head start online, LT.  Here’s the website of the big daddy of CBT. — David Burns, MD

https://feelinggood.com/

He popularized CBT in the 1980s with his book Feeling Good.  There’s a lot of useful information at his website.

[Longterm]

I've been on that many websites and read that many articles that I have lost count, yet I dont remember ever visiting that site, I find that strange.

Thanks TelHill 

LT.