I admitted being jealous

[isilme]

So H likes models.  He saves photos a lot buys cosplay photos when we go to cons, I can usually be ok.  I don’t know why but it felt like over the last year he kept mentioning one particular model over and over, and I got jealous.  I didn’t say anything until tonight when he told me he’s excited about another con, I see nothing on the list worth going to but he wants to go so we go.  I ended up admitting I was jealous of this one cosplayer he’s been talking about what to me feels like a lot, he claims he hasn’t been talking about her at all, and at first seemed to be trying to make me feel better but then he’s angry says I made him feel dirty like he cheated and he may as well go do it, if I feel ugly I should work on myself then, and now he’s refused to come home from the walk we were taking and I’m home alone writing.

I’m the least likely to be jealous person usually, even tho he did emotionally cheat 10 years ago, maybe more, the story has never been consistent.  I moved past it, he had been better, and I wasn’t accusing him of cheating. I was letting him know the fixation made me feel bad, that my feelings are my issue but I couldn’t stop from being upset and saying something on my period, tired, and feeling poorly about my own appearance at 42. I know it’s not rational, but he’s bought pics of her from her website, he’s mentioned her site, costumes, etc, and it felt like a lot. 
I am tired.  I did not want a fight, wasn’t going to say any it it felt for a moment I could be open.  I should not have said anything.

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[isilme]

He’s home. In the shower.  I feel like an ass.  Am I wrong for trying to talk about how I feel, even if I know it’s my problem?  Can someone please answer?  I post and if I’m lucky I’ll get a response weeks later.  Is it wrong of ,e to admit I felt jealous over a fixation with a model?  He denies the fixation, turned it around to be about his feelings and how I’ve insulted him and made him feel bad, and here I am, alone, talking to a silent board because I have no one else to ask.  I’m not looking for ‘you go gurl, you tell him!’  I can agree that many models and actresses are beautiful and while I don’t love their beauty being mentioned when in the past year he’s told me clearly how much he hates my weight, I don’t have this feeling about them.  I can’t compare to a 20 year with flat abs and curves everywhere else, and I never mention attractive stars because I know his self esteem is always in the dumps.  I’m not that into the visual maybe?  Not like he is.  I just don’t know if I am just nuts for feeling so bad and being unable to stop comparing myself to a girl he made his iPad screensaver.  She’s not naked or anything, it’s just almost like we can’t go more than a week without some comment about her, or I’m so hypersensitive it felt that way.

[isilme]

I don’t expect him to lie, and never find someone else attractive. The world has attractive people.  I guess I felt it was rubbed in my face, and I’m sick, realizing I’m old, realizing the face I thought was ugly in my 20s was the best I’ll ever have had.  No, I’m not telling him I think he’s cheating or going to cheat.  I’m just pretty low, and when he calls me fat, then a week later provali,s I’m beautiful, I believe the fat more easily. 

[Longterm]

Hi isilme.

If your H is constantly talking about a model and buying pictures from her website, I think you have every right to feel jealous. Then if he is complaining about your weight etc, it's no wonder you feel so down.

I would suggest you express your feelings to him but you have, which was met with hostility.

I honestly dont know what to say to you besides, your well within your rights to be upset here. I would suggest you try not to make things worse right now whilst thinking about ways this can be resolved. Hopefully somebody else has a suggestion.

LT.

[isilme]

He says he feels not talking about it is hiding it.  I feel it’s a bit, weird? Inconsiderate?  Most people, know their spouses may not get angry at you having a normal human reaction to notice someone else is attractive but don’t draw attention to it, either, knowing that’s likely not going to make their spouse feel good 

[isilme]

He slept on the couch, I was in bed but did not sleep.  I am feeling stupid.  I know my hormones made me more likely to break down and say something last night, I can usually hold things on better, I had no intention of ever saying anything and would just process my feelings on my own.  I said something along those lines and was accused of that being emotional blackmail. 

I grew up with 2 BPD parents.  I learned to not express my feelings or I'd get yelled at.  I married a BPD man - I knew it going in, but we were doing better.  These last 2 years have felt very bad.  I know not to express my feelings or I will get yelled at.  Not as bad as the worst, but I got sick, and have been diagnosed with an immune disorder.  Studies show it gets worse over time based on stress - stress can be life stress, other illnesses, weather events, etc.  It may be genetic, and childhood abuse can trigger early onset, explaining a lot of my mystery illnesses as a kid. 

Anyway.  I don't think he realizes the litany of disparaging comments, negative statements, not just about me, but everything, our friends, himself, that run 24/7.  They include anger/disappointment at me for being sick, too.  He goes off on himself, expressing his low self-esteem - but to him, all his "reasons" for low self-esteem are based on "fact", and I am lying when I try to encourage him otherwise. 

All I'm told when I try to express my own low self-esteem is "I can't help you, go fix what you think is wrong."

Am I wrong and think that most men (and women) don't wax poetic about the physical virtues of models and actors and then buy expensive signed posters from them, express disappointment when that model isn't at an event, to their spouse?  I can admit some actors are attractive - I'm not buying posters from them and making them my iPad screensaver.  Why does this line bother me?  I know he collects photos of models.  he always has.  And for 23 years I've rationalized myself out of typical jealousy.  Why did this one particularly make me feel so horrible to think he has a celebrity crush on her? 

[isilme]

and it's 2pm, I asked him about lunch, no response.  No response all day. 

Not even on here. 

I can't tell him my feelings without it causing a fight because it invalidates him or feels like an attack to him. 

And I can't even seem to discuss them here. 

[once removed]

i think its valid to feel jealous.

All I'm told when I try to express my own low self-esteem is "I can't help you, go fix what you think is wrong."

i think this is also a difficult position to do a lot about short of ultimatums, threats, tit for tat, that sort of thing.

He says he feels not talking about it is hiding it.

i wonder if there isnt more to it.

i wonder; do you think its possible hes trying to sort of bring you into it? get you to participate on some level? alternatively, is it possible hes trying to induce jealousy? are either of these possibilities?

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi isilme,

I just wanted to tell you that I totally get where you are coming from. My ex used to do stuff like this and it made me absolutely livid- yeah, I was insecure, I admit it. But it seemed like an obsession with him. I put a stop to the screensavers and stuff like that (not in a very healthy way, either) but all it did was cause him to hide it from me.

I tried telling him how it made me feel. He would turn it around and make it all about his feelings and then blame me for making him feel bad. I think that was the toxic shame kicking in. Sometimes he called me crazy, mentally unstable, jealous of "a picture". It wasn't the picture. It was his fixation on a person outside of our marriage. I considered it in the same territory as emotional cheating, and not only did that hurt, but his disregard for my feelings hurt worse. I can totally imagine how you feel, and the loneliness that comes from having your spouse invalidate and discount something that hurts you. I'm sorry.

Once removed may be on to something about the inducing jealousy. I think my ex did that purposely sometimes because he liked the intense emotional response from me. It made him feel secure that I was still interested, because he equates jealousy with attraction. The emotional cost to me was collateral damage.
As I said, I reacted in terribly dysfunctional ways to my jealousy.
I don't know what to tell you to do about it, and I am sorry about that, too, but I just wanted you to know that you have been heard, and someone does care

[isilme]

Most of the time I don't feel threatened by it, and can enjoy the cosplay models in their skimpy attire as fun costuming projects. 

I've never had much self-esteem.  I am okay-looking.  I never see myself as pretty.  No prom dates, I even asked a boy and got turned down.  He liked my pretty friends.  No dates at all.
 I was emo before I'd even heard punk.  I was the "smart one" and "the good girl" (because my BPD dad would literally, I mean literally, kill me if he got angry enough.  I had to save mom's life at least once).

I know I've been overweight since puberty, and as I hit my 30s and 40s I am certainly not looking like I would like and weight from normal aging, plus total body inflammatory issues, isn't helping me. 

I try to dress as nice as I can afford and as my body shape allows, and I am kind of low maintenance as far as what I need to get ready - give me 15 minutes in the bathroom and I can be out of the way, and I can move room to room to get out of the way.  My stepmom took 3 hours to do her hair and makeup every day.  She got up at 5 to use curlers, then do the makeup.  I had a tiny window to pee, grab my toothbrush and contact lenses, and then use the kitchen sink and my bedroom mirror for everything else.  Minimal makeup, foundation to even out my flushed reactionary skin, and eyeliner.  Pommade my short hair into the same direction.  Shirt? Bottoms? Shoes?  check, done.

I can literally get ready in 15 minutes if I need to.  H takes... hours.  Clothes changes.  Shaves microcosms off his beard no one can see.  Change clothes again.  Get mad he never put his clothes away and he fails to understand 3-dimensional space (look under things).  Comes to me, yanks on my sleeve tells me to go change, he hates what I'm wearing (even if he liked it last week).

I try to be kind, I try to work hard, and not shirk things.  I am codependent, and it distresses me to sense people around me are not happy, so even though I'm trying to get out of this mindset, I am a people pleaser.  Most people seem to tolerate me, maybe like me okay, in spite of not being a great beauty. 

But in this past year, while I have been sick almost daily, in a state most people compare to the flu, he has waffled from me bing "beautiful" to a "sloppy piggish fat slob", and claims to never say such things. 

He has taken this to be about me accusing him of cheating, or planning to cheat with this person.  No.  Even though over 10 years ago, yeah, he would have.  Funny his brain went there, right?  I just don't want flat abs and perky tits shoved in my face when I'm not able to be objective, "look what I bought online for a stupid price!"   He has lots, LOTS of hangups about sex, pretty much isn't one to do things alone, and so if I am sick, or feel unattractive and therefore not in the mood, he gets very angry.  So it's not that this is private material for him to go use.  That doesn't mean there's not a quality like that to it, it's just not that cut and dry.

I need some respect and courtesy.  Empathy.  That's it.  When your spouse has food poisoning, you don't whip up a rich, greasy meal.  When your spouse is in a particularly bad place emotionally, you don't poke at them to "toughen" them up.  When your wife confides she feels fat and ugly, don't just tell her, "well stop complaining and do something about it." 

I don't need to be tougher.  He has no clue the amount of emotional control I exert, and how far past my physical limits I go, regularly...  Because I don't complain and moan all the time.  If you realize I'm in pain... it's like on a 5 on the pain scale and I can't help wincing quietly.  If I stay home, I'm more than just a little bit tired.  If I tell you I am exhausted, I am not exaggerating.  He panics over every twinge, I just assume my abdomen is crammed with organs, one of them is doing something, hope it stops. 

Last night his solution was for me to just go away when I have my period until I am even again, because "he can't handle my emotions.  I pointed out it's no different than his blood sugar drops (did not like that).  I didn't want to fight.  He didn't want to fight.  I know for certain now that while I can get levels of nice companionship from him, I do not have someone I can go to when I hurt.  And I have someone who carelessly hurts me time to time, but if I carelessly hurt him it's ground zero.  Talking about a single model often enough for her name to stand in my brain over about a year (he denies all of this) as a paragon os how to do social media right, how to market your body, and how hot she is, carelessly hurts the feelings of your wife who is too ill to exercise, and exercise releases histamines, making her feel even worse.  Your wife who you mock for avoiding candy and sweets by not buying them, who hasn't had a soda in over a decade, who eats about 900 calories a day and the scale still fights her. 

His need to blather every thought in his brain to work through things, and his lack of internal monolog... hurt me.

He tried to justify it, "you have celebrity crushes"... Um... Sure, some stars are hot.  Some people are nice and make me laugh.  I'm not blowing $50 or more to get them to sign a photo of themselves in skimpy clothes to send to me so I can pretend they know me as a person.  And to ogle.  "hey, did you see the 'personal' note Chris Hemsworth wrote to me?  And look at his abs!"  NO... That's rude.  I don't say things like "the two hottest men are Chris Hemsworth and my husband. *wink wink*"  That's not sweet.  it's sarcastic.  It's a dig.  And he tells em even I I don't intend to hurt him, I'm bad when I do.  But if he didn't intend to hurt me, oh wells.

I knew this is BPD.  I knew it 10 years ago, and I know it's an emotional disability.

I just feel stretched and thin (well, not thin, sadly) like butter spread on too much bread. 

I help him.  He takes help.  I drive him places, manage his Rx and appointments.  I don't hate doing it, I am not complaining about that.  There is just no reciprocity.

He may go with me to my appointments (1 out of about 14 in the last year, and he yelled at me the whole time).  He doesn't know how to get there, how to get home from there.  He may drive, but I still have to be conscious and able to navigate in a way he can follow.  My condition means I could go into anaphylaxis at random stimuli.  All my rescue plans have nothing to do with him other than someone calling him as an FYI.  He saw my epi... asked "are you in danger?  Should I be worried."  The first was ok... the second turned it all back to him.  And that's it.  It's all for him.  He does nice things, yes.  And makes them all about him.  it's rpeferred to when he did nothing at all.  But it still makes me sad at times.