blocked, ghosted, and still love

[DatGuy]

Well, gonna try to explain this in short, as I'm sure the person is probably going to read.

My experience was quite interesting. Started dating this lady, and yes, fantastic person, felt in love quickly, sorta immature on my part, started living together after 1-2weeks (terrible mistake), she just broke up with her ex. At first everything was fantastic, true passion, and great moments together. Had an almost traggic accident, where she really took care of me all the way, it was umbelievable how much care she took of me, after the accident, I ended up getting depressed, stressed out, and had to work extra hours to pay bills, around 2 weeks before she left she started being cold, feeling very sick, saying things that didn't make much sense, and started going out of the house more and more, when last 2 days she said she was going to treatment and saying that still loved me but didn't even tell me her plans. I got desperate, because I couldn't believe she wouldn't tell me about doing so, she hid everything, although we did have some fights here and there, but she seemed to always think I was the only one to blame for the fights, I was procrastinating my divorce because of depression, I am friends with my ex, and I didn't know how much that was affecting her (I know, STUPID mistake of mine). Although she completely blocked me after tons of messages of me trying to support her, etc. Left with no explanation, found out that she was actually cheating with her ex 2 weeks ago, she lost the attraction on me, I guess? Which I understand, but, she was unable to break up, she would do things in order for me to say "im done". She called a police escort on the last day in order to get her stuff, I was blown away since I told her I would help her get her stuff to go. I offered plenty of times to help on treatment for both of us, and it seemed she thought about it, but didn't accept. I have no contact what so ever, blocked every way. She doesn't talk to her friends a long time. I sent very kind emails, saying everything is gonna be ok, and that I will work on myself and that this time of recovery would be something that will make us grow, and that she would be able to find herself and perhaps be happy with her ex or anyone else, or me.

I still care about her, I do have unconditional love to her, I'm working on my divorce, but I don't think she knows or how would I show to her if that's the case.

Her ex has more knowledge now of what she needs, but I'm pretty sure she is now controlling emails, etc. It has been 2 weeks of no contact, and 1 month she completely left to treatment.

My time with her was around 5 months, and I want her to know I will be there for her and I understand her childhood issues, and that because of the accident I ended up doing plenty of mistakes, as my way of loving someone is simply providing. If I could turn around to the past, I would have tried to be more listening and understanding, but I had NO CLUE of what she was suffering inside, and I am an extremely compassionate person.

I don't know if she has BPD, or not, but looks like every sign to it, and man! I wish I knew, I really do, I would have avoided confrontation and give all the love I wanted to. Is it too late?

What do I do now?

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[once removed]

hi DatGuy, and

I'm working on my divorce, but I don't think she knows or how would I show to her if that's the case.

are you married to someone else? this would probably be a more significant source of the conflict between the two of you than you might think.

1 month she completely left to treatment.

the person you are writing about: is she in treatment right now? if so, what sort of treatment?

[DatGuy]

Well, time passes by, she is gone it seems. I still care, pray for her, etc. But reflecting on everything, and I'm still on the rollercoaster of feelings. The stonewalling hurts, because I think her family, or she told her family on her "dark" side of things that I'm wrong? I do abuse of alcohol on the weekends, unfortunately, and I wished I knew that she can't have as much, as it makes it harder. She was using depression and ADHD meds, which also probably got way worse, and I didn't read it, I enabled her without knowing the consequences.

I'm not saying I was perfect, much opposite, with the accident, a lot of me came down, it really sucked.

After 2 week I sent a couple of emails, one saying how rude and cruel she was, specific things, and others that I'm praying for her and I care. The divorce is happening, for sure, it just takes time. And honestly, it's my personal life, if she decided to cheat and lie, I can't simply just show her, correct? What if she loves the other guy? Then I'll be going on my way. I think she doesn't get that loving is not needing, and I have a feeling that she thought I needed her, which isn't true! I have issues, sure, but it's not necessity. 5 months of my life, SO MUCH time and money gone, which is fine, I can repair, but the feeling hurts man. Because when you care and are compassionate and also being stonewalled you go nuts! You rage, get angry, get sad, get all sorts of feelings, the C-PTSD is strong as hell, having to go to therapy, taking meds, it's insane how it damages your life, how it makes you feel. I am not insecure, I know I can heal and have another relationship just fine, but most of the the actions, specially when you don't know what she has or not, are irreparable.

It's been 1 month and half now, no clue of her, nothing... what's funny is that while she probably hates me now, she asked the guy to send the keys to my apartment... I got it and sent them both an email saying thank you. Because I'm not gonna get mad about that. It's useless... it's like an afront and try to hurt me? The other fellow which I don't know much about, it seems that most family doesn't like him. I tried to help the dude, etc. He acted like a douche, after that, then I acted like a dick, of-course, I was in the middle of the rage.

She accused me of hacking her, but ain't true, she left the notebook opened where she used it.

She went to treatment, don't know where, with her dad, I guess...

I wish I didn't enable her, or was too caring, because then now I have the sense that she thought I was manipulating? Which I AM NOT! I pray for her life, I care about both of them, it's not that I'm trying to get her back anymore, but I wanted to show her that there are people in this world that are compassionate, and CAN love unconditionally. It's quite sad.

If she loves the ex, she may go ahead, and I told her it's OK, I know what is to love someone, and I rather suffer knowing it than not knowing it, I'm no door mat. But man, why can't she simply explain and be truthful? As much as I love, It's a silly way of making myself available. I told my ex-wife to send my closure letter, because the emotional abuse was insane, the devaluation and blocking is inhumane. She did send it, because I feel that she needed to understand the realistic aspect of it. Being friends with the ex-wife and her boyfriend means society cares, doesn't mean I love her still, and some people cannot understand that, I guess...

Before she left, I got one of the most cold apologies I've ever seen from a loved one, a simple "im sorry" on messenger one day before leaving.
It seriously hurts being an empathetic person. I really wished that she never came to my life, because I DID fell in love, honestly. Oh well... at the same time I cheer for her and want to see her best! And if not with that guy anyone else. I really don't understand why people don't understand that!

To me it feels like she's stonewalling or to protect me or to protect her... but I'm not sure.

[once removed]

bpd brings a certain inherent lack of trust to a relationship.

if you were not yet divorced, or things werent moving at the pace that shed preferred, that would heighten those feelings of distrust.

at the same time, she may not have been emotionally done with her previous relationship.

it is possible that both of you were seeking a healing experience in the midst of your grief. its the story for a lot of us here.

if you want to reconcile, its really important to understand where this went wrong (and how it would go if you were to get back together). this relationship was built on a shaky foundation.

the path before you is a tall order. you would need to grieve what happened and approach things as a very new, very different relationship. you would, ideally, want to be through your divorce process. and the relationship shes in (if its official) would need to play out, go through the motions. she would need to grieve it, too.

was the last contact you had her sending you "im sorry"?

[DatGuy]

I understand, but I wasn't grieving the divorce, honestly. I understand her trust issues, but honestly, after being cheated and blocked. All I want is to be far away from someone like that.

Love doesn't mean accepting such behavior. I don't need anyone to be happy, apparently I think she does. And yes, she probably didn't grieve with her ex, although I prefer her to come back to the guy, instead of trying me again, because I don't think I'd be able to accept this happening again at all.