Hello everyone Daughter just diagnosed with BPD, grieving the loss of my husba

[Gitte]

Hello,
I thought I would introduce myself. My 19 year old daughter has been diagnosed with BPD which I've known for a few years. She is living with friends, we have little contact and when we do it's awkward, and it feels like we have nothing in common. I'm struggling with her choices while managing the resentment and anger from her older sister. On top of all of that, my husband died suddenly almost a year ago and I am left dealing with grief from losing him after 25 years of marriage, as well as the grief of letting my daughter go and sadness for my other daughter who has gone through hell and back with her sister and now the death of her dad. Life feels really hard right now and I just don't see any light at the end of this really really long tunnel.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[cbusmom]

Welcome Gitte
I am also kinda new here. I am glad you found this place. I am sorry for the loss of your husband. I hope that you find tools here to help you strengthen your relationship with your daughter, both of them. I hope that you can share some things with your other daughter that can help her with understanding and also self care.
I can empathize with the sibling situation and how hard it is to see their relationship with each other be damaged.

[Huat]

Hi Gitte.

I join Cbusmom in welcoming you here.  I am so, so sorry for your loss.

It is difficult enough dealing with someone who suffers from BPD but all the more difficult for you because you are still feeling the backlash of losing your husband.  Indeed, both of your daughters are more than likely grappling with their feelings in their own ways, too.  All 3 of you are attempting to heal and find a new kind of normal.

Have you or your daughters had a chance to speak with a grief counsellor?   Have you, yourself, ever thought of joining a grief support group?  Not sure about your area but where I live they are offered through funeral homes and hospice.

First and foremost, Gitte, you are going to have to look after...you.  Easier said than done, for sure, but if all the oxygen is sucked out of you, you will be of no help to either of your daughters.

I am glad that you found this forum.  Keep sharing.  Know that you are being heard and others will be here to offer support.

Sending you a much-needed ((HUG)

Huat

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Gitte
I join Huat and Cbusmom in welcoming you to the group and expressing how glad we are that you found us. This is a great place to find support and advice from others who share similar struggles both with loving children with BPD and with grief. I am so sorry for what you are going through. As the others have said, the first step is self care. Posting here is great self care. So is in person counseling both one on one and in groups. Are those resources available to you?
Hugs
Faith

[Gitte]

thanks everyone for your kind thoughts. I have been seeking counselling for my grief and getting support from grief groups on line and in my area. I am focusing on taking care of me for sure. I have dealt with my BP daughters issues for over a decade and I think the death of my husband has forced me to let go and let her live her own journey without me rescuing and repairing. I can only do so much and the pain and abuse I have endured because of my daughter's behaviours is just too much to handle at this point. Oddly, I have seen some positive change in my daughter since letting go. Good lesson there. I think that as a parent you just want to rescue them and take away their pain, but I wonder if that's more about me and my fear.

[FaithHopeLove]

Oddly, I have seen some positive change in my daughter since letting go. Good lesson there. I think that as a parent you just want to rescue them and take away their pain, but I wonder if that's more about me and my fear.

I am not all that surprised. A number of members here have reported seeing improvement in their BPD children after letting them go and find their own way.

[Blueskyday]

Hey Gitte,
I am sorry for your loss.
It took me 18 months to fully process that my partner was not going to just come home..They told me time made the pain less intense. What I found was that time made the spaces between the intense pain longer and more bearable.

You have done well to let go as it goes against your maternal instincts but its the right thing to do.

Nurture the relationship with the dtr who is there for you. You are going to need eachother .

Letting go of expectations of the younger will always be a challenge.
No easy roads here but you sound like you are doing well given the circumstances.

You have hit a storm so keep navigating as best you can and you will find the sunshine eventually xx

[Huat]

Hi Gitte

I applaud you for being so pro-active in finding ways to work yourself through the grieving process since the loss of your husband.   I have not walked in your shoes but nice you that you have heard from someone who has...Blueskyday.  There is always someone here who can genuinely say..."I know."

Sounds like good advice about nurturing the relationship with the daughter who is living with you.  Right now you are not torn between the two girls.  Take advantage of this period of time as together you heal. 

As hard as I have tried with my daughter, doesn't look like the relationship I would like to have with her will ever happen.  I am learning to accept that while I work on skills to better interact with her...when/if we ever have contact again.  I refuse to ever again have her be the focus in my life...my happiness depending on her.  As you are learning in your journey, life goes on, and it is up to us to make it as fulfilling as possible.

Good that you still have some contact with that absent daughter.   Best to follow her lead in this relationship.  That is not to say you shouldn't reach out on special days or whenever...short, sweet but with no hints that you expect something in return.  You are just letting her know you love her.  Period.

Glad you are here, Gitte.  Keep sharing.  Hope this will continue to be one of your safety lines.

Huat