Always feel like you are in the wrong?

[LFCNZ]

So not sure if this is just me or a result of having a BPD mother, but I always feel like if something goes wrong or I think that something is about to go wrong in relationships, I always think its my fault and I will try to fix it as best as I can.

Anyone else relate?

Thanks

[ProudDad12]

So not sure if this is just me or a result of having a BPD mother, but I always feel like if something goes wrong or I think that something is about to go wrong in relationships, I always think its my fault and I will try to fix it as best as I can.

Anyone else relate?

Thanks

Absolutely. I'd be shocked if I needed more than one hand to count the number of times my dad (enabler of uBPD mom; suspected narcissist) has said the word "sorry" in his life. My mom will say sorry when necessary, but her bread and butter is the victim role, which by nature makes things my fault (if not someone else's). Sometimes she is even able to use apologies in the context of her being victimized. I, on the other hand, say the word to a fault.

I think it's a fairly common thing in these situations, and part of the whole FOG dynamics. Because when we feel at fault, we feel the need to make it right. So the FOG that gets sent our way triggers the guilt and perceived fault to prompt us to action. BPD loved ones don't necessarily do it on purpose, it's just what they are used to and it works for them.

And our mindset of blame eventually becomes a muscle memory of sorts, and carries over into the other parts of our lives and other relationships. It gets me in trouble with my wife, because sometimes she's bummed and it has nothing to do with me, but yet I struggle to not take it personal or to feel like I've done something wrong. So I keep asking if I did something, when all I need to do is just be there and let her have her feels.

It's not easy to weed out either. I've been dealing with issues with my parents for some time now, and no matter how many people tell me they are in the wrong and I'm doing the right thing, I still fight daily the urges to bear the blame and make it right. And fight the feeling that their self inflicted pain is my fault.

All that to say, you're definitely not alone; I'm sure there are many here who can relate!

[Harri]

Hi.

Yes, I can relate.  I connect this to my need to control by being a rescuer.  If I take responsibility for something or feel guilty about it, that means, in some weird twisted way, I can control it n some level.

Lots went into me developing that pattern of behavior from having a mentally ill mother who could not be accountable for anything and who blamed me and shamed me to my own anxiety issues.

[Methuen]

So not sure if this is just me or a result of having a BPD mother, but I always feel like if something goes wrong or I think that something is about to go wrong in relationships, I always think its my fault and I will try to fix it as best as I can.

Always.  I wish it wasn't so.  And I don't know how to change always feeling at fault after all these years of it.

[LFCNZ]

It gets me in trouble with my wife, because sometimes she's bummed and it has nothing to do with me, but yet I struggle to not take it personal or to feel like I've done something wrong. So I keep asking if I did something, when all I need to do is just be there and let her have her feels.

This is so me with my wife, I am slowly learning that if she is upset its not necessarily something I have done, but 99.9% of the time that is where my thoughts go first,  I must have done something to upset her etc..., I need to fix it etc..., (and its not just her I do this with either, its work colleagues, friends, other family etc...)its tiring thinking you are the cause of issues for just about everyone you come across  , I am slowly getting better at it, I think..., its like my empathy for others is getting less, but in a good way, does that make sense?

[TelHill]

I need to fix it etc..., (and its not just her I do this with either, its work colleagues, friends, other family etc...)its tiring thinking you are the cause of issues for just about everyone you come across  , I am slowly getting better at it, I think..., its like my empathy for others is getting less, but in a good way, does that make sense?

Yes.  Been there, done that. A big time fixer as a young person. Shock of my husband dying & my parents falling apart due to old age pushed back my progress. Doing this now...not like before but am having to separate the care my parents need  from my own needs.  I want to be liked by potential friends, but not be a doormat.

There’s empathy for others but I need to remember to have empathy for myself first. I have to remember to do for myself but not to do for others things they can do themselves. Idid try to get a circle of friends 18 months ago but I got fooled by them. I overshared out of loneliness. Ugh. I am not doing that for the time being, but life happens. I am trying now slowly again.

Things were easier with NC or LC.  Self care, self talk & daily meditation helps. I feel so guilty when I plan something & my dad needs a ride to the pharmacy.  He can drive but it’s getting harder for him. I have to gauge am I a fixer in the FOG or being a competent care giver.