I think my son-in-law just messed up my situation with my BPD wife

[gadget]

Hi all,

Well, as many of you know.  My wife left me 4 months ago.  Today was the first time she came over to have dinner with me and our 4 kids to hang out and discuss how we'd work out her Thanksgiving visit and Christmas visit in this new situation we are now living with.  My daughter, son-in-law and my grandson (6 mo old) all still live with me, as does my 25 year old special needs son.

We had the holidays all figured out and all was going fine and then my son-in-law blew his lid and started hollering at my wife.  The exchanged words and her some profanities at him, and she left crying.  He has a mother that he is mad at.  She is really a non-existent mother and grandmother.  She always says she misses him and her grandson, but never makes an effort to visit.  She was not a mother to him at all growing up as a kid either.  He was unhappy about that lately and unhappy that my wife abandoned us all due to BPD/Compassion Fatigue.

My wife didn't deserve that.  We all were caught off guard at the dinner table and very speechless.  Now I'm afraid family holiday will not happen unless my son-in-law is not present.  I will tell him my feelings tomorrow and how wrong I felt that was to attack my wife.  Today I'm too mad and probably would say more than I should.  Just when I thought some good things were happening and BAM!  This makes me feel like she no longer wants to visit and that my chances to reconcile with her are now even further away.

Sigh!

Gadget

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[once removed]

I will tell him my feelings tomorrow and how wrong I felt that was to attack my wife.

you dont want to respond to an unloading with an unloading.

it will escalate the situation. if you overtly side with your wife, it will isolate your son in law, or depending on how you go about it, it can align the two of them against you if they make up.

you want to be the emotional leader who brings everyone together.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

you want to be in this role:

Be caring, but don't overstep. We do not want to let our fears, obligation and guilt to control us or allow us to be manipulated into taking care of another person when it really isn't healthy to do so. Instead of being the rescuer  and doing the thinking, taking the lead, doing more than our share, doing more than is asked of us -  simply be a supportive, empathetic listener and provide reflection, coaching, and assistance if the person asks and is taking the lead themselves. It is important to recognize the other person as an equal (not one-down) and give the other person the respect of letting them take care of themselves, solve their own problems, and deal with their feelings as they choose. Remember, the rescuer  has the most pivotal position on the drama triangle - you are in the strongest position, at least initially, to redirect the dynamic into healthy territory.

what this looks like could mean a number of things.

what is your relationship like with your son in law?

if its good, and close, you are in a good position to reach out to him, listen as a compassionate ear, understand what was going on with him, validate his feelings, and also nudge him in a healthier direction.

if not, it may be best to stay out and allow the two of them to resolve the conflict.

what do you think?

[gadget]

Excellent advice!

Here is what I said "I understand that you have strong feelings towards our current family situation.  I'm disappointed you yelled at her.  I think you owe her an apology "

He said he wont apologize.  But I listened to him and my daughter and they listened to me.  It was a good calm talk.  None of us are mad at each other.

I told them my side.  I'm trying to preserve / fix the 30 year relationship with the woman I love more than anything in the world.

I tried to get my son in law to understand my wife has a mental illness and that her behavior isn't 100% because she willingly wanted to leave us all.

Gadget

[once removed]

i think that was handled, and went, pretty well.

I tried to get my son in law to understand my wife has a mental illness

id tread lightly here.

hes her son, im assuming?

[gadget]

He is my daughter's husband. Not our son.  The talk went well.  He isn't mad at me.  I only thought he should apologize for yelling at my wife in front of her father and all our kids and ruining our family dinner (1st on in the 4 months since she left).  He has the right to his feelings on this situation.  And can even tell her how he feels.  He was too over the top and shocked us all.

Gadget