I jumped through so many hoops to get to place we never even got to

[Shanel2515]

Mod note: This is a continuation of the following thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339659.0

The whole time she was telling me who she was and SHOWING ME but was so good at making it seem she was so in love with me and wanted to marry me etc I mean even telling her daughter over and over again we were getting married...I lost my bmw because she wanted me to get a different car “the right decision for us” promise ring...I jumped through so many hoops to get to place we never even got to...

[Shanel2515]

Everyone say I dodged a bullet...but when we lived together things were pretty damn good

[once removed]

it doesnt feel like dodging a bullet. it feels like taking one right in the heart.

youve suffered a significant loss. i thought that my ex would be the person i would marry, too.

i think all of us would change a lot of things about our relationships if we could. living with what happened is one of the hardest parts.

it doesnt mean you cant get through this, and come out of it even stronger. im nearly nine years out of my relationship, and the fact that i made it to the other side is one of the things im most proud of in my entire life. it wasnt easy. it wont be for you. but we are here to help you through it.

[Shanel2515]

Nine years? Are you still hurting from it?

[once removed]

no.

there is no pain attached to any of the memories.

it gets better.

[Shanel2515]

I am really struggling in myself...I think where this is hitting me so hard is in all the places I hurt the most in myself...not only what has happened the being discarded after everything but her attacks on me that feel so accurate...is that common? Is it because they know exactly where to hit and her telling me I was this damaged child but in no way wanted to nurture or support me when it was obvious...it felt she only wanted to shame me...? I feel my own shame and self loathing in my self and now I am starting to wonder if I am the bpd and she was the Narcissist Or she is both or I am both...but I feel so much shame about how much I needed her and the desperation and my abandonment fears but I do acknowledge these are parts of me and I don’t split people black and white, or a lot of the other bpd behaviors...I never cheated on her or wanted anyone different...but I do fear I wore her out and wore her down...and chased her away...just in pain...there is just so much. I wished I didn’t do that I feel badly about...

[once removed]

her attacks on me that feel so accurate...is that common? Is it because they know exactly where to hit

the short answer, if you feel her remarks were accurate, is that the truth hurts. especially coming from a loved one.

especially coming from a person who idealized us.

we invest a lot in that idealization. and we tend to invest a lot in the rejection as well (both, ultimately, are exaggerated, and part of detaching is coming to terms with that). in other words, we put a lot of stock in the words, good and bad.

if a stranger said those things to you, it wouldnt have the same effect.

i imagine she also didnt say them in a kind way, so of course it would hurt. being broken up with hurts enough, being blamed for it, even more so.

[Shanel2515]

I guess what I am saying is it is a distorted truth and doesn’t include how she affected me or the relationship...black and white thinking and character assaults with any understanding or care of me...that is what is difficult and she always knew exactly where to hit...it cruel and vicious and ruthless...she never really cared how anything affected me..I see that now..I was just someone to be used up and spit out

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Shanel, Remember, poison is harmless if you don't ingest it!   Those w/BPD will attempt to shift all blame to the Non, because it gets the issue off their plate and onto that of the Non.  Your task is to decline to buy into this blame-shifting.  Sure, you jumped through hoops, like the rest of us, but now you know better.

LuckyJim

[Shanel2515]

I just am so f’ing hurt and frustrated and betrayed and she even told her 13 year old daughter we were getting married all the time and we once discussed at a birthday dinner all 3 of us...her daughter brought it up and my girlfriend did almost all the talking about it...a promise ring and different car I bought “because it was the right decision for us” “her telling me she wanted me to move in soon and kept changing the schedule and using her daughter as a shield...and a month before she walked away permanently we were in her sisters kitchen in Cleveland and her sister asks her if she is going to move...she looks at me and says “yes, I think we are going to move” meaning all 3 of us...a month later she is gone from my life forever and with someone else after a year and half after me changing my whole life to be with her...so she did this to her daughter (every time we broke up she told her daughter we were done, she broke up with me telling her daughter it was permanent and then I was back...omg that poor child...I loved her so much too) so mislead me her daughter...her family...omg  

[Shanel2515]

I don’t understand what f$&% the point of this was...she just kept finding fault with ME...after all the admitting to me of her disordered behavior and thoughts and how much hurt others in the past...that because I actually wanted to have a relationship in which we knew each other...and be there for each other in which she said she so desperately wanted but she couldn’t handle it and that just became my fault the amount of push/pull some times in 24 hour period was insane let alone on a monthly basis and I think her therapist is freaking enabling her more than helping her...i am so heartbroken and angry and just dumbfounded...I love her, I hate her and part of me wishes she was dead (I hate saying that) but I do...I wish I could strap her in a chair and just talk to her...and make her listen to what she has put me through (no I won’t do anything) she move on to her next victim...

[Lucky Jim]

she just kept finding fault with ME.

Hey Shanel, I'm sorry to hear what you've been through.  As I mentioned above, those w/BPD are experts at shifting blame to the Non, which is a way to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions.  It's no wonder you are dumbfounded, because those w/BPD often act in ways that seem irrational or unreasonable to us Nons.  Yet they act that way for a reason: they suffer from BPD.  Like most of us, you have been through the BPD wringer.  I'm sure it doesn't feel like it now, but in my view you are lucky to be out of an unhealthy r/s.  I should know, because I'm LuckyJim!

LJ

[Shanel2515]

Sometimes I just feel like giving up guys...I feel suicidal sometimes...

[once removed]

it really does get better, Shane.

but depression can take a serious toll.

i remember having thoughts of suicidal ideation myself. these thoughts are the brains way of crying out "i need help".

can you schedule an appointment with your doctor today and see about a meds evaluation?

i found antidepressants really helpful. they got me back on an even keel, and things got better.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Shanel, Agree w/once removed: it gets better, so be patient.  Seeing your M.D. and/or a T is a really good idea to help you through this downswing.  Everyone heals at his/her own pace, so don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself and hang in there.

LJ

[Shanel2515]

Thank you guys, I had a therapy appointment and I feel a lot better at the moment...I know it will come and go it was just infatuation for me it was a deep love of her and our relationship but I am really starting to see she is incapable of that...and she loved me probably more than anyone she very has and that is why I had to go...I touched her in places that would mean her annihilation...and instead of seeing as where she need to go to heal I had to become the enemy so she didn’t have to face herself... I think what is so hard for me with her is her seemingly awareness at times and the depth of your relationship and how much she could tell me how much she loved me but when those places were triggered in her it just was over...but she is seemingly somewhat out together out of romantic relationships even though I know she isn’t and she has told me she isn’t...and her attacks of me are especially hard to take as I tried to give so much of myself emotionally, mentally and financially for her and her daughter...and it has all been forgotten forever by her...I was the best thing that ever happened to her and would of stuck by her and maybe that made me the worst thing to ever happen to her...because I saw her and she always told me that...I knew too much and with being a psychotherapist son and being an empath...I felt too much of her but I thought I was made to love her and could ...and she would let me but she couldn’t...

[Shanel2515]

I just keep beating myself up and I can’t stop...If you saw our entire relationship...even towards the end..How we were together we were that couple who was always hugging and kissing in public...And she was always saying we were that couple everyone hates because we were so in love...And in the end I feel she thought she was settling some how for me...even though..she was saying how amazing the sex was how happy I made her how powerful the relationship was..how much she loved me...but she kept breaking up at the end even more and seemed like I was more standing up for myself and she seemed scared and said things to that effect but not straight out...saying to me that i have to find out if you can tolerate her and She is so hard to love...She kept finding fault with me..Like I was this bad person...I know that is part of the illness...supposedly The “splitting” they do of the other person seeing them in black and white ways...but it is hard not to take it on like it was me and I am what she said I was when I know intellectually I understand this isn’t the whole story but it became more and more black and white as we went on...in April and May she said it was the extreme the pendulum of the splitting but then it seemed to get more and more so...maybe as she got scared? I don’t know guys just really hurting and struggling...I miss her in so many ways...out life we were building...it is hard not to think I just wasn’t good enough

[Lucky Jim]

She kept finding fault with me..Like I was this bad person...I know that is part of the illness.

Hello again, Shanel, No, you are not a bad person, just someone as ill-equipped as the rest of us to cope with an incredibly complex disorder.  Yes, it is all part of BPD to foist the blame and fault on the Non.  Your task, as I mentioned above, it not to buy into this characterization.  To reiterate: "Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it!"  You get the idea.

LJ