Part 3: How to break up

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Mod Note:  Part 2 of this thread is here   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339969.0;all

I’m totally lost. I can’t remember what I said or what to say. My goal is to ask him to leave but the one major hurdle for me is getting past the image of him being back on the streets or sleeping in his car.

He is getting therapy at least and that’s increasing next week. It so hard getting past the stress it would bring on him if he were to go back on the streets when he’s trying to get therapy.

I’m just thinking out loud. These are all my conflicting thoughts. The relationship is indeed over but on an emotional level I’m on self destruct. I think about freedom from all of this but there’s a tornado inside. I also want to grieve the end of the relationship alone.

[boogs152]

Mod Note:  Part 2 of this thread is here   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339969.0;all

I’m totally lost. I can’t remember what I said or what to say. My goal is to ask him to leave but the one major hurdle for me is getting past the image of him being back on the streets or sleeping in his car.

He is getting therapy at least and that’s increasing next week. It so hard getting past the stress it would bring on him if he were to go back on the streets when he’s trying to get therapy.

I’m just thinking out loud. These are all my conflicting thoughts. The relationship is indeed over but on an emotional level I’m on self destruct. I think about freedom from all of this but there’s a tornado inside. I also want to grieve the end of the relationship alone.

[formflier]

"pwBPD,  I'm disappointed that you are not going to address your issues with the hospitalization we had agreed on.  I'm not going to continue living with someone that is not addressing relationships issues we had agreed on addressing.  Please be out in a week."

Best,

FF

[Harri]

Hi boogs.

I can certainly understand why you are upset.  I also understand your concern.  I think though, that you need to consider yourself here too.  You can't keep letting him live with you out of fear of what will happen.  You also can't let his refusal to get help limit your options or your life any more.  Your concern is warranted.  To what end though?  (That is a question I have been asking myself a lot lately.)

He just came out of his session with his psychologist and she said that if he didnt wish to go into clinical care then that’s his choice. They agreed on this together so he’s not going now.
I’ve been inTears. I’m in a corner now and will ask him to leave.

I agree that it is his choice to make and he has made it.  I think at this point, your hands are tied.  How about giving him a certain amount of time to work on finding a place to live while also getting his therapy?  

What sort of time frame would work for you?

[Harri]

Cross posted with FF. 

I'm not going to continue living with someone that is not addressing relationships issues we had agreed on addressing.  Please be out in a week."

Remind me please:  do you want to end the relationship even if he would go to the hospital?  If so, I think this line might need some tweaking.  What do you think FF and boogs?

[formflier]

I have a hard time "arguing against" adding in things about being broken up or the future of the relationship.

I would say that people don't know how they will feel if xyz happens, until xyz happens.  (perhaps if xyz has happened several times before..then maybe)

My understanding is he has never been inpatient and diligently worked on his issues in an environment like that, so we really have no idea what he will be like.

I would say best to cross the bridge then of what the future of the r/s looks like. 

If you stick to "one issue", much more likely the message will be heard. 

Plus if you say "no mater what you do, we are broken up", what does that do to his "hope"?

Best,

FF

[formflier]

 You can't keep letting him live with you out of fear of what will happen.  You also can't let his refusal to get help limit your options or your life any more.  

Massively important points. 

Perhaps another way to look at this.  Don't get in the way of someone else "picking their consequences"...or "don't save people from consequences"

Do you see how he picked his path and is looking to you to "rescue" him from his choices?

Best,

FF

[boogs152]

This post finally got through to me. I’ll get him out. I’ll check back in when it’s done.

[boogs152]

Okay, I finally did it. The conversation has been had. I fumbled my way through it. He will be gone in a few days.

I feel terribly sad.

[formflier]

 

What can you do to be extra kind to yourself for the next day or two?

Also, I would recommend that you plan some things for you to do for the first couple days that he is gone.

Hang in there!

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I agree with FF. You need to take time to be extra kind to yourself. You've been under the burden of being his caretaker for so long--it's time to put that energy into recharging your batteries.

 
Cat

[boogs152]

Okay I will. Thanks everyone.


Hugs x

[boogs152]

Sorry guys for the
Last response.

Im exhausted mentally. Just...trying to get through the next few hours and days. I’ll attempt  to do some things for myself. Im swinging emotionally...feeling numb, angry and then sad and then back to numb.

My partner (or ex) is still here in the spare bedroom until he leaves in a day or two. He has done the occasional guilt trip on me here and there. It’s still all about him. Occasionally he wants to give me a hug here and there. He’s back drinking again. Half a bottle of whiskey with his sleeping pills. So over it all. He still hasn’t got clarity of mind to organise his thoughts to make any accommodation plans. So he’s just returning to the clinic. I’m sure it will all be very temporary and he will be living in his car again. He looks absolutely shocking physically. He also has an appointment with his therapist in 24 hrs.
 
I’ve read up on NC and feel that this is the best option for me. I’ll probably start posting in the surviving a breakup forum from here onwards.

Really, I just need to say a big Thankyou to everyone who has taken the time to help me get to this point. I don’t know if I would’ve had the clarity or insight  without this website and the kindness of other members to guide me onwards and upwards. The information here has been enlightening but also triggering at times but none the less I am indeed grateful.

[Cat Familiar]

It’s hard to start moving on while he’s still there. Things will begin to get better when you have a clean break. In the meantime, is there somewhere you can go to be away from him? 

Cat

[boogs152]

So I woke up this morning and got in the shower. Was going out to get a take away coffee. C* frantically opens the bathroom asking where I was going. Next thing he’s begging me to stay. He’s shaking and white in the face. I stood my ground and said that He couldn’t remain living with me. I told him that I’m not a rag doll that he can just throw around in his life.
He will be seeing his therapist in an hour.


I feel awful... this is awful.

[Cat Familiar]

It is awful.    And you know he’s hoping that you will change your mind.

You’ve made the decision between temporary awful or indeterminate awful. When he leaves it will feel freeing, but you will still be sad for him.

[boogs152]

I just wish so much that I never ever  got myself into this mess somehow.

I’ve always been the type of person who does the right thing. I respect and accept everyone wherever they’re at. I’m patient and kind yet naive and ignorant. I feel sorry for people like me. There’s a lot of us here in the BPD family isnt there.

[Cat Familiar]

That’s the problem with being a giver and not having boundaries. We can still be nice people when we also take care of ourselves.

Having someone push us to extremes can be a wonderful learning experience—that is, looking in the rear view mirror waaay down the road.

Certainly in present time it’s really painful. But you will never again let someone treat you so disrespectfully.

[boogs152]

He keeps asking me to take him back. I keep refusing. I hate this pressure. He will be gone soon but I don’t have anywhere else to go in that time. I can be out all day if I have to as I don’t work but I feel like I can’t even be in my own home.


Can someone explain to me again why they treat you so bad but when you’re walking out the door they’re desperate to have back? It’s infuriating.

[Cat Familiar]

To answer your question, the book title “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me” https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56740.msg0#new  succinctly describes what you are  currently experiencing.

Because they have an insecure sense of identity and an irrational fear of abandonment, in addition to over sensitivity and angry outbursts, they push you away, then fear you leaving.

I know I’d be upset if I felt I couldn’t even stay in my own home, but you might think of making multiple little trips out, just to get away for your own mental health while he’s still there.

[formflier]

Do you have a therapist?

I'm wondering if it's wise to tell him that you will not discuss your relationship further until he is at the end of his inpatient program. 


So...if he doesn't do it...there will never be a discussion.

If he does do it, it's only a discussion.  I would assume it would be that if he sets himself up to be independent, perhaps you meet for coffee once a week.  Then perhaps add an evening stroll after he gets off work.  Who knows if it ever leads to something more.

We all know he needs serious, long term inpatient care. 

Best,

FF

[boogs152]

It’s interesting formflier that you mention inpatient care because I agree BUT his therapist has told him to stay away from clinical treatment if he can. She says all his issues are Complex trauma.

Yes I have a therapist and I’m meeting her in a few days.

[Cat Familiar]

Or that’s what he told you his therapist said...

[formflier]

Or that’s what he told you his therapist said...

Boogs152,

Do you understand what Cat Familiar said here? 

This is why it's best to either be involved "fully" in the therapy of a pwBPD or not at all.   There really isn't a middle ground.

Best,

FF

[boogs152]

I think I understand? I’ve tried getting a couples counsellor for us but C* has been digging in his heals regarding that topic in the past.

He has his own therapist as do I.

When I think about the topic of lying it makes me realise that this probably the tip of the iceberg

[formflier]

I think I understand? I’ve tried getting a couples counsellor for us but C* has been digging in his heals regarding that topic in the past.

He has his own therapist as do I.

When I think about the topic of lying it makes me realise that this probably the tip of the iceberg

So..just to be clear here.

He is fine with therapy for him.  He is fine with therapy for you.  But he says no to joint therapy. 

What is his reasoning for this?

Do I have this right?

Best,

FF

[boogs152]

He says he doesn’t want to spend the money.

[formflier]

And I assume you have offered to cover the cost.

Then what does he say?

Best,

FF

[boogs152]

I’ve only offered to pay 50%

[formflier]

OK.

So his answer tells you what about his interest in improving your relatsionship?

Best,

FF

[boogs152]

His refusal to begin couples therapy meant that he was less invested in our relationship than I was.