Questioning Relationship

[Luvlee]

This is my first time posting. My mother is BPD; my ex husband is BPD and I don’t know if my current boyfriend is BPD.

I finally learned how to set boundaries with my mother, but feel guilty bc she is 80 years old and I feel to have to talk to her even though conversations can be taxing. She is currently not being abusive towards me, but she tends to say negative things about my sister and she will then create arguments.

As for my boyfriend, I have been dating him for three years. After eight months of dating he started displaying tendencies of jealousy, argumentative and sometimes can feel like he may be trying to manipulate my feelings. He started to become hurtful and demeaning during arguments. I broke up with him and we got back together. He can accept responsibility sometimes, but other times he blames me. I have brought these concerns to his attention and he seems to be working on changing these behaviours. I don’t know if I should continue working on the relationship or get out. I’m afraid of ending up in a toxic relationship again. It seems to creep up on me. It’s not always obvious when a relationship is not healthy. I want to learn to have a healthy relationship. I feel very proud of myself for being able to stand my ground and not allow my boyfriend  to hurt me emotionally or take on guilt where it is not mine. I still don’t know what to do when he accuses me of being overly friendly or outright accuses me of cheating. He later apologises. He e can went to therapy to work on himself. I’m not sure if the therapist was a good fit.
I’m open to feedback. I’m hoping someone on the outside can be more objective.
Thanks.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tsunami Sailor]

Hi Luvlee,
Sorry to hear about your dilemma.  You've come to the right place by visiting this site and posting to the community.  It also seems you have a level head about this.  There are reminders all over the site warning not to give stay or go advice, so don't be surprised if nobody comes out and directly tells you one is a better alternative than the other.  In my opinion, a relationship is your choice.  If it is not healthy, it will require two people to make it healthy.  From my experience, if only I am able to do that with consistency,  it can become too much work, and become much less satisfying.  There are many here who can elevate themselves above the burden, and for whom the reward is greater than the effort.  A lot of partners of BPDs find themselves stuck in between, due to a number of circumstances.  The most important thing, I think, is to make sure that you are taking care of yourself.  Engage in the things that make you find joy in life separate from the BPDs in your life. If that can be done within the relationship, fine.  If you need to get away to do it, figure out how to do that on an occasional or permanent basis.

I would also suggest going to a counselor for yourself.  If you both are committed, a next step might be counseling together.  I think it's also important to understand from the outset - my counselor tells me that it's a really long haul to improve BPD in the best of circumstances. 

[Ozzie101]

Welcome Luvlee!

Tsunami is right. You've found a good place. So many of us here can identify with what you're going through. Actually, we have some members who are or have been in very similar circumstances (BPD parent, ex and current romantic partners).

I've been part of this community for almost a year now and one thing I've learned is that things can get better. It isn't easy. It requires work. But I discovered that many of the things I was doing (like JADEing) were actually making my situation with my husband even worse. I worked on myself and things started to improve.

Now, in my case, my H was open to therapy and eventually began to understand and accept his role in things. That was a big part of our improvement. And sometimes it's just not enough. That's a choice only you can make because each relationship is unique.

As Tsunami said, no one here will tell you to stay or leave. But we have a lot of skills that can help you and we're here to walk with you whatever path you choose.

Perhaps you can tell us a bit more, when you feel like it. Sometimes describing an incident and what was said and done can really help us get a feel for the relationship dynamic and offer the best advice.

Keep posting!