I reached out to my ex, I was blocked immediately

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Yes!  YES!    Way to go clvrnn.       

Yup.   I would say you nailed it.   

It's probably not her you want.    It's that feeling of being confident,   valued,  important.   For some reason that really hooks you.

Great job!   

[babyducks]

Yes!  YES!    Way to go clvrnn.       

Yup.   I would say you nailed it.   

It's probably not her you want.    It's that feeling of being confident,   valued,  important.   For some reason that really hooks you.

Great job!   

[Yoke]

clvrnn.. that was good written by you. And you seem to understand and reflect of your own "issues.. that is a step foward. The selfesteem has made you vunerable, and then u met someone that did not care about how you look, body  etc. She liked you for who you are. And that made you feel comfortable and loved by her. That is what i think you miss about her. The feeling of being somebody. But you ARE that. Even without her. A woman who treats you like garbage, is that to love? Affection? No. And both u and I know that. Our exes made us feel love we never thought we could feel, right? But also hurt us in such evil way we have  never experienced, right? And when some of their needs were not met by us- they vanish, block us, hate us and leaves us with emptyness and pain. All alone. And they move on to the next target.. to do the same with. Its how they work. Or to be right- their disorder. To them, you are painted black. And those kind words they said to us dont mean a thing anymore. To them . But for us, our selfesteem,  if we had some small before- its crushed into the ground. Belive me. I have cried my heart out for my ex, wanted to get an answer of why, what and so.. i will never get it. She will not come back. Now i am angry insted, angry of the things her disorder made her do to me. I have to foccus on that now. Be angry. If i miss her, i pick a message from her she sent long time ago, and read the awful, hateful words she wrote to me- to be reminded of how she can be. That is not love.. you dont treat or speak to someone you share your bed with, are engaged with or have a rs with. Its twisted and wrong. It reminds me of the borderlion she can become.. I go to therapy, dealing with this:
Excerpt

know its hard all this. The awful pain, emptyness,  grief... all of it. ! Because i have felt it and still do feel some of it..   But theraphy helps. This pain you feel- it has not all to do with her- some of the pain comes from yourself. She just opend the door to it.."    like i said, it was not all her pain she caused me. Its about myself and all old wounds i have to deal with, face and deal with. So i can understand MYSELF. Then i think i get some answers to why,, what.. Now its time for you @clvrnn.. to heal yourself. Find your selfesteem,  build it up. Again. When you are ready, you will find Love again. And if, i say IF, because i dont want to give u any false hope that your ex will come back.. if she does- when u are ready. Healed. Maybe it will work . If she gets treatment. And IF, you want her back then wich i dont think u want, at least you are prepaired.  But right  now. Its all about you. Everything. No contact what so ever. At least try even if its soo hard, i know. Foccus on yourself now. Because if u dont love yourself, how can you love somebody else?.. hang on friend!

[babyducks]

what a great post clvrnn.   I am so impressed that you dug down deep and got all that on the table.     I think that is just phenomenal.

I think you did a beautiful job describing what you were thinking and feeling.   I just want to play it back to you to make sure I got it right.

You were going through a bit of a rough patch at uni.    you felt isolated and depressed.  you were in a low place and you would have been more impressionable to someone validating you, to some one focusing on you.     and she would come very close and make prolonged eye contact.     she found you funny and attractive.

but there was a lot of intermittent reinforcement.  (that's a real thing - google)  a lot of push/pull.   you learned to focus on her, and her wants and emotions so you could get the attention, the focus, the super validation that comes with these kind of relationships.

you started to question your own perceptions,...   your own understanding.    that whittled away at your own already wounded self esteem.     

What did you do wrong?    Nothing.     Not one bloody thing.     I am sure you made mistakes in the relationship,  we all do.   I did.   I made some beauties.    But what did you do wrong - Not One Thing.   people who are organized at the borderline level, people who are process life through the BPD filter can not sustain relationships because of their OWN emotions.     Not yours.

Again this is NOT about right/wrong, fault/innocent, blame/credit.    this is a lot more like trying to have a smart phone and a rotary dial phone talk to each other.   they do the same thing,   they perform the same function.   but they process information very very differently.   they are not going to be able to communicate effectively.

You do realize that you are the same person right?     the person who feels inadequate and invisible when she doesn't talk to you,  and the person who feels confident, valued and seen when she does.    I think, that maybe, like me,  you define your feelings of self worth and self esteem through the actions of the people around you.     

I absolutely think there is a link between the low self esteem / confidence and what you are feeling now.    This isn't really about her anymore.    it's more about the blow you took to an already fragile self imagine.   

So yes. To sum it up. She made me feel very very confident and valued and important, and SEEN. Now I feel unseen, invisible. When I think about her, it's probably not HER I want - but the feeling?

I think you can create that feeling, the confident, valued, important and SEEN feeling for yourself.    I think you can find ways to do that for yourself so you don't have to rely on some one else to do it for you.   what do you think?

'ducks

[clvrnn]

Thank you @babyducks. That was really a pivotal moment, I think. And I have to really thank you for that. I don't know whether I'd have dug that deep unprompted otherwise.

I will have to look at ways in which I can increase my own confidence, yes. I don't know how. Still feeling a bit lost, but it'll come, I suppose.

[clvrnn]

Today was a very strange day, it was very full on in terms of seeing expwBPD everywhere and my own realisations.

I came around a corner in the corridor at one point, and she was standing there. She instantly looked past me, and I did the same, looking straight ahead. This felt awful, and I kept walking - even though it made me feel really anxious, I just carried on walking to the library where I sat and tried to gather myself. I thought about going home before the next lecture. I didn't.

Honestly, I felt terrible at that. It felt so strange. Like, again, I didn't exist to her. Perhaps it took her by surprise too, but still.

Later the same day I was in the canteen with a classmate, and all of a sudden expwbpd, her sister, sister's boyfriend and a gang of their friends all came into the canteen being loud shouting and laughing. This was really something I dreaded because the sister and boyfriend were the people whom she split on me in front of.

Again, didn't feel that great. I carried on talking to the person I was with, but my mood had dropped by then. I don't know if pwBPD saw me, but the canteen wasn't full so maybe she did.

I left shortly after they arrived, and just went home.

I think today really is the first day that I believe things to be truly over. I can feel the acceptance coming in. IT was never really going to work out, and I'm never going to know why she blocked me or stopped talking to me.

My friend believes it's because she probably doesn't hate me, probably has residual feelings but is doing the 'right thing' by cutting contact and opting out of our toxic dynamic - which would make sense. I think this is probably the case too, as expwBPD never told me she didn't want to talk, or to leave her alone - she was always very vocal in doing that before, this time she didn't.

It's sad, I feel sad. But I recognise that it's over, that I can't contact her again, that she just simply doesn't want to be with me for whatever reason, and that's it. This year has been so demanding emotionally, physically. I still worry about how to get through term without speaking to her, but there's nothing I can do about that either.

[babyducks]

hi clvrnn,

I just carried on walking to the library where I sat and tried to gather myself. I thought about going home before the next lecture. I didn't.

this is progress clvrnn.     it may not feel like progress but it is.    I was told and I believe that acceptance can be looked at as synonymous with willingness.       the willingness to be with what is.    I think mature people do not try to change the experience by avoiding it, but are willing to face these psychological stressors while continuing on with their chosen path.   It's about finding balance, and understanding balance is never perfect.    finding balance for me is about developing a sense of internal emotional safety.

last night I had a social event that I needed to make an appearance at.  I have a horrible head cold.   I'm coughing hard and I feel very tired.   So I was going to go and make an appearance and slip away.   My Ex was there.    I was already out of balance because I didn't feel well.    I struggled to stay inside my bubble of internal emotional safety, or maybe I should call it my bubble of internal emotional comfort.   I was slipping away at an appropriate moment.. going down the back stairs, trying to be inconspicuous.     and there was my Ex.       there was no one around and the stairs are narrow.      I slipped out of the internal emotional bubble of comfort.     and fell into the space of looking for connection.    which I know isn't a great spot for me to be in with her.    it tends to lead to bad things with her, because it's not possible to have a stable connection.   so we engaged in a five minute conversation about the recent world series baseball games.    I probably let it go on too long.    and I am the one who slipped, and took the conversation for casual and about public events into just a moment of a more personal nature.   for me;  I think the conversation should have stayed about the weather and baseball which is public and generic.    this is the longest conversation we have had in about 3 years.

I didn't handle it perfectly.    and I had already depleted my internal resources so I fumbled a little bit.   that's okay.  I have to learn to recognize the condition of my internal resources and how likely I am to react well or poorly because of them.     I have to learn to understand my boundaries and resources and stay inside them.    I don't think this conversation changes anything. and I am going to process it but not worry about it.   

I think today really is the first day that I believe things to be truly over. I can feel the acceptance coming in. IT was never really going to work out, and I'm never going to know why she blocked me or stopped talking to me.

It is a sad thing.   It's important to grieve what was lost.    She blocked and stopped talking to you because there was something she couldn't handle.   something she didn't have the skills, tools or ability to process.   it's really that simple.     

hang in there clvrnn - you are making progress.    really.

[jinglebells1989]

That’s what they do. They stalk, vandalize, sleep around etc. to get a reaction out of you and then when you finally reach out they ghost.

Pathetic and EVIL!

[jinglebells1989]

I find it very interesting how they’ll block you completely but then find creative ways to make sure you see them. It’s the quintessential “I hate you/don’t leave me dynamic”

I work with the chick I dated. Instead of 3 hours in class a few times a week try 10 hours a day Monday through Friday.  I kept myself esteem for the most part. I dumped her, she didn’t dump me. I didn’t fall for any of the hookworm crap. She wouldn’t talk to me at work yet she’d always find a way to be around me. So I finally told her to just the crap and move on with our lives. We had lunch that day in the break room; 2 months after we broke up. She text me later that night asking for her towel back. I told her I didn’t have it. I ask her if she wanted to apologize for her crappy behavior the two months since we broke up (waving other guys in my face, vandalism my car and basically stalking me both inside and outside of work. She moved to my god damned neighborhood after we broke up. She lived 45 minutes away when we dated and now she’s a 5-10 minute drive away).

She said “I’m not going to discuss that” at that point I told her I didn’t need an apology from her as she’s too immature to offer one. The next day I aired ALL her dirty Laundrey to upper management. Told them about how she hits herself. How she vandalized my car, etc. she got a talking to and was extremely embarrassed and the look she gave me the next day...oh brother was she pissed. But I just Sat at my desk and smiled at her like “you like that?”

Walk into that class with your head held high. She wants a reaction out of you. Don’t give it to her. Maybe befriend a group of people in that class and tell them about your nut ex gf who shall remain annoymous.

[clvrnn]

Walk into that class with your head held high. She wants a reaction out of you. Don’t give it to her. Maybe befriend a group of people in that class and tell them about your nut ex gf who shall remain annoymous.

Thank you for sharing your story, I found it really interesting to read, actually.

I agree. I think they do want you to see them. She sits very close to me all the time, literally two seats away. If I'd fallen out with someone, last thing I'd do is sit near them. She sat so close this time that I could turn around and touch her.

When she blocked me, I sent a very firm email telling her that I wouldn't be contacting her again. I've never done that before with her. I think she expected me to start pleading, appear visibly upset, etc. I haven't done any of that; I've been upset away from class obviously - but not where she can see.

I've also been chatting to people, being in a seemingly good mood in front of her in the class - yesterday for example she sat directly behind me and I acted like she wasn't there, even though she was directly behind me. To her, it must appear like I don't care anymore.

She comes into class looking very sad, very withdrawn. She sits alone, doesn't talk to anyone and I saw her leave yesterday taking what looked like a deep exhale out when she left the room - I feel like she is regretting this, and didn't expect me to act like this. I've seen her away from uni and she appears happy - it only seems to be in class that she's acting this way.

As you said though, I knew that the second I'd reach out, she would reject me. It seems like a game of some sort, to build up their own self esteem, or something.

I don't know anymore, I give up trying to work it out. She has my number and sees me, if she wants to talk to me she can. I have no idea what game this is, and I won't be reaching out anymore.

[jinglebells1989]

Thank you for sharing your story, I found it really interesting to read, actually.

I agree. I think they do want you to see them. She sits very close to me all the time, literally two seats away. If I'd fallen out with someone, last thing I'd do is sit near them. She sat so close this time that I could turn around and touch her.

When she blocked me, I sent a very firm email telling her that I wouldn't be contacting her again. I've never done that before with her. I think she expected me to start pleading, appear visibly upset, etc. I haven't done any of that; I've been upset away from class obviously - but not where she can see.

I've also been chatting to people, being in a seemingly good mood in front of her in the class - yesterday for example she sat directly behind me and I acted like she wasn't there, even though she was directly behind me. To her, it must appear like I don't care anymore.

She comes into class looking very sad, very withdrawn. She sits alone, doesn't talk to anyone and I saw her leave yesterday taking what looked like a deep exhale out when she left the room - I feel like she is regretting this, and didn't expect me to act like this. I've seen her away from uni and she appears happy - it only seems to be in class that she's acting this way.

As you said though, I knew that the second I'd reach out, she would reject me. It seems like a game of some sort, to build up their own self esteem, or something.

I don't know anymore, I give up trying to work it out. She has my number and sees me, if she wants to talk to me she can. I have no idea what game this is, and I won't be reaching out anymore.

It'll be a long drawn out process for sure. They will NEVER admit to doing anything wrong. Never. They'd rather self destruct than do that. So you'll just have to deal with it. She wants you to beg and grovel and the fact that you haven't done that separates you from 95% of guys she's dealt with in the past. But that doesn't matter. The ONLY tool you have in your arsenal to fight this sick attack on your sanity is your self respect. ghost her. Continue to do what you're doing and do it until the end of time if you have to. She'll never budge but she will realize that you're not a chump and in her own sick way will respect you for that. But again, it won't matter as you need to remain NC forever.

[once removed]

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