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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: Hollow Relationship  (Read 405 times)
starryeyed

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« on: October 11, 2019, 09:41:02 AM »

Question for those that are working on bettering your relationship with the BP.  After working through the steps, does it ever not feel hollow or shallow?  Especially if the BP is your spouse. 

With the studying I am doing, practicing, setting boundaries, etc...it all boils down that the BP spouse cannot handle your emotional distress in any form.  That you have to find friends, counseling, etc. for that part of your life. 

I was co-dependent on this relationship in the beginning and for awhile until I "woke up" realizing this isn't right.  I'm still working on the co-dependency to be more independent, and possibly that is why I struggle.  Maybe "normal" people do not need that intimacy with their spouse? 

When I think about the future, I can see the success in training myself to deal with my BPH.  But it looks like a shallow, hollow shell of a marriage.
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ColdKnight
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« Reply #1 on: October 11, 2019, 06:46:07 PM »

Hi,

That’s a very good question. Unfortunately I don’t have any experience with a long term BPD relationship. Perhaps someone here who has can help.

I think what you are asking might fall in the realm of “radical acceptance”

Are you familiar with that term?
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Chosen
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« Reply #2 on: October 14, 2019, 02:12:34 AM »

starryeyed,

I'd say if you're comparing a relationship with a pwBPD (diagnosed or not) to that of a "normal" spousal relationship, then yes, it is sort of hollow.  I'm sure many members here, like myself, have tried being intimate (I mean not just physical intimacy but an intimate relationship in which two people are equals) with their spouses and it backfired, say I would share something that would be used against me, or would be used as a weapon against me (for my uBPDh, if he knows something is really important to me, he would withdraw that as a "punishment" when I piss him off... which is often). 

But then I would tell myself, "normal" is a very wide spectrum, and people may look like that they "normal" marriages on the outside but inside they are suffering too.  I'm sure many of my friends who do not have a pwBPD as a spouse suffer from boundary issues or lack of understanding... or maybe I'm just in denial.  I don't know.
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Joe73312

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« Reply #3 on: October 16, 2019, 02:11:28 PM »

Starryeyed,

I’ve been in a 10 yr marriage with an uBPDw, and have only learned of BPD and coping skills the last 2-3 years. I’ve thought the same thing...maybe that radical acceptance means learning how to walk on eggshells, to try not to break too many, and what to do when too many break.  It’s about removing my anxiety/classic responses to BPD rage and other behaviors and trying not to let them distort my reality, my self-esteem or my level mood (easier said than done, I acknowledge).

I routinely speak with my T about the hollowness.  Where is the acknowledgement/validation of my feelings?  Do I ever get a voice?  How can I dissent without causing WWIII over what’s for dinner?  Where is my partner in life and the one I turn to for emotional support?  How can I bring honesty and true feelings to a partner who will use them against me, in the harshest of ways, in an unloving manner?  Am I self-absorbed as a result?

I’ve been trying to focus on hobbies and my own interests.  Become more religious and faithful. Make new friends. Exercise. Cope. Adjust. Re-adjust. Try harder. Never give up.  But not be hurt any longer. Not ask why me, or what if, or is there greener grass?

I’ve learned to simply say that maybe this is the best things will get. I’ll find enough space for myself, take care of my young daughter, and love my uBPDw for who she is, knowing that she may never give 100% to her 50% of the relationship. Taken as a whole, although the relationship feels hollow and non-reciprocal in many ways, in other important ways it works well enough not to destroy it.  I have an awesome kid, make a decent living, and am self-sufficient to the point that her irrational outbursts, impulsivity, criticism, and raging incidents don’t hit me nearly as hard as they used to. 

I acknowledge this isn’t “how it was supposed to be”, but I agree  with Chosen’s thoughts about “normal” relationships. And only you (or the non-BPD) can gauge when too much is too much.
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confusedbybdp
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« Reply #4 on: October 16, 2019, 03:40:51 PM »

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Dear Starryeyed,

I think I can relate to some of what you are asking...and pondering.  I found in my relationship with my uBPDbf that as long as I agreed with him and supported his opinions, he was very loving and kind.  As happens in relationships, there were times that my opinions differed from his, and when this happened, it seriously triggered him, and very quickly escalated.  He either got angry and raged or sulked or shut down.  If he was displeased with me for any reason, I often was given the silent treatment.  We couldn't have a discussion about any aspect of our relationship that I was concerned about or wanted to improve without his getting triggered.  He took offense at the slightest comment, no matter how gentle my approach.

Since I didn't really know why he was behaving that way, and I hadn't yet learned about BPD, I was really confused.  I understand now that there are some strategies that we can use when our partners are dysregulated.  Looking back, I think my reactions to his explosive anger only aggravated the situation.  But particularly with an undiagnosed/untreated BPD partner, I think I would have had to become a Stepford Wife to have a "successful" r/s.  And that isn't really a relationship at all, is it?  We can't live and grow that way, and for that reason, the r/s did not grow, but instead it devolved into more and more broken eggshells, and feelings of not being understood on both sides.
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Chosen
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« Reply #5 on: October 16, 2019, 10:07:28 PM »

I completely agree with what confusedbybdp wrote.  For my uBPDh, it seems like every opinion that differs from his is an invalidation of him as a person.  But he has no perception of this, and often claims to be democratic.  He would also keep changing his choices (if he had to make one) and you can't call him out on it either.

If you don't have any opinion of your own, or no suggestions on anything, then everything would be completely fine.  But say I have a suggestion on what to do on the weekend, and I ask him, "Do you have any plans for the weekend?" (genuinely looking to discuss with him on what we could do, and seeking to know his plans).  Instead of asking "what would you like to do", he would bark "what commands do you have for me now?".  Hardly inviting conversation, right? 
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Stillhopeful4
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« Reply #6 on: October 17, 2019, 09:42:05 AM »

Yes, at times it feels hallow.  But at other times I look at her that this is who she is and deserves to be loved. 

I'm a fighter and I try so hard to never give up on people, because there is so much good deep down, but at times she's all over the place, emotional mess (over very very small things) and yet when a major life crisis pops up she is cool and calm.

I guess we all decide to stay or leave for our own reasons.  But saying that, deciding to stay, even though she moved out again 2 months ago, I still have moments when I ask myself what I am even fighting for.

SH4
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