Son not paying his rent

[FaithHopeLove]

So here's the latest. DS is living in an apartment he and his father consigned for. Now that he is not dealing drugs he doecan't afford it. It is a 2 bedroom apartment. He could downsize. He could also get a job although it may not be easy. He could also kick it up a notch with his legal businesses (high end sneakers etc.)My husband plans to contact him (calling from Africa where he will be for the next week or so) to ask what DS plans to do. He is a math whiz so I doubt he needs help making a budget but he does need help finding a life worth living or even believing he can. I know I can't help him. I am the bad mother who triggers his abandonment issues. His dad may be of some help but ultimately, if anyone gets through to him it will probably be someone from outside the family. Words of wisdom for me?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[zachira]

You can't care more about your son's well being than he does because than he feels he does not have to take responsibility. It is so painful to let go, yet from following your posts I would say you and your husband have done everything you can to help your son. Acceptance is so painful when we have disordered family members, especially when we realize that we are the only ones willing to make changes. Clearly you worry and care a great deal about your son, and it hurts beyond what can be put into words that he is so self destructive. Do focus on yourself and doing the best you can to deal with the overwhelming feelings that come up with the latest round of disappointing news about your son. I admire how you have stuck with your son, and you have done a lot more to help your son than most parents would have. 

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks Zachira
I love my son deeply (even though lately I don't like him much) but I also know I may have to step back and let him grow up (or not) in his own way. I can't rescue him.

[Huat]

Hello FaithHopeLove

Zachira wrote..."You can't care more about son's well being than he does because then he feels he does not have to take responsibility."  I feel Zachira could have written those words to me about my son.

Besides this ubpd daughter of ours who has caused us so much grief, our first born was a son.  I admit to having a soft spot in my heart for him because he was born with so many problems that needed fixing.  So, so hard to see one's baby,  one's toddler going through what he had to go through!   Of course in those early years it was up to me (and of course my husband) to be in control of his care...somehow I never totally relinquished that role.

Just a few years back he became highly addicted to pain killers after an operation that was needed because of a work place accident.  I thank God that our intervention with him was successful and we got him into rehab but never will I forget the chill as the doctor told us he might not make it through the night.

Of course here I give our son all the credit because the work towards recovery has been all up to him...but I always hover...concerned about his poor diet...concerned that he let his teeth literally rot to the point where he needed all pulled and dentures put in.  Basically he just doesn't care.  I would venture a guess that he is in a state of depression but he won't speak of that...won't seek out help.  I never hear him laugh and I rarely see him smile.

So, Faith, I do not compare my son's problems to your son's problems.  What I do relate to is your feelings as being a Mom.  The umbilical cord may have been severed but the heart strings are there forever.

I am finding that "radical acceptance" is a work in progress.  There are times when I do get to the point where I realize, with both my children, that what is...IS...I have no control...and I hand it over to my higher power...and I get on with a pretty good life.  Then out of the blue can come along the tug on that mother-to-child heart string...and my work is cut out for me again.  I do have to say that my "episodes" are fewer, farther between and not as debilitating as they once were.

I applaud you for the work you are doing in other aspects of your life.  I truly believe that I am a more caring person because of what I have gone through and probably the same can be said for you.

You hang in there, FaithHopeLove!  I so hope you do feel comfort in knowing that you truly are making a difference as you work so hard to help others be it in Africa, in this community...wherever.

Oh...as for the "not liking" your kid...can't remember when it was I liked that ubpd'er child of mine.  What's to like?  She is nasty! ...but I will love her forever.  She is mine.

Huat

[FaithHopeLove]

Wow Just
That is so affirming! I feel like you totally get me. Everything you said from the fear to the radical acceptance as process to the need to trust my HP ( for me it is God) to be coming more compassionate through this journey to finding meaning in my own life is right on point
 Like I said, you get me and that feels affirming. So thanks!

[twocrazycats]

Hi Faith,
I really admire how you stand by your son, even during times when you say you don't like him.

Sometimes I see these BPD teens/young adults as large babies just learning how to navigate on their own and needing more reassurance that they can do it than a non BPD the same age would. While your son is older than my daughter, he is, in a way, just starting his life over.

Rather than expecting him to have a plan, could your H, when he calls, ask your son if he wants him to help him brainstorm ideas for making money to pay the rent? Could H gently suggest some ideas while making it seem that they are coming from Son, including downsizing? Maybe even check around for one-bedroom apts that S might be interested in? Maybe suggest ideas for the businesses? Maybe if your son can think the ideas are his own, he will see more value in himself and his life. My daughter is much more likely to implement an idea if she thinks it's her own.

Maybe H could even ask if there is someone your son trusts who could help him brainstorm? Or do you or H know of anyone? When my son was in a bad place over a relationship (with a woman who turned out to have BPD no less, I suggested that he talk to my hairdresser, who is my age and has been like a mentor to him. The result was amazing, because it turned out my hairdresser's ex-wife also has BPD, and he pointed my son toward all sorts of resources, and my son broke it off completely. Is there anyone who is like a mentor to your son?

It isn't all altruistic to get him to a point where he can pay his own way. Since H cosigned, he'll be paying if your son can't. Also, since your son knows that he was able to make money selling drugs, finding a way to pay his rent without doing that could be a lifesaver for him, literally.

I hope your son is able to hear that people who care about him have confidence that he can do this. It must be so hard for him to know what he's done in the past and see himself as better than that.

[FaithHopeLove]

My husband is actually very good at steering my son toward doing things in ways that DS can still take ownership of the chouce. He has already scoped out apartments for DS to downsize to and I am sure he can help brainstorm job possibilities. It is all a question of what DS is open too.

[nonbordermom11]

Faith... my brother stepped in to advise my daughter, he told her she was an adult and needed to step up and get a job, etc. It had more impact coming from him. They are so used to us "rescuing" them, they will just call and blow up about how they can't pay this or that. But its at this time that they have to take responsibility. He may not make rent on time, but most places don't throw anyone out after a week. Let him feel the pressure...I remember back in the day not paying my water bill, just figured no one would notice, I was young...came home water was turned off...I learned real fast to pay my bills. I survived, but learned a lesson. They all need to learn these fundamental things. Let's see what he plans to do, your H can guide him. He will be ok, have faith...

[nonbordermom11]

Faith..is there an amazon near your son? The are growing and expanding fast, can't get people hired fast enough...health insurance day 1, great company...check it out.

[FaithHopeLove]

Yes there is an Amazon nearby.