New Member

[Wisteria]

Hi everyone.  I just joined and wanted to introduce myself. I'm listening to Stop Walking on Eggshells and trying to understand my mother, who has many BPD characteristics. 

[Kwamina]

Hi Wisteria and welcome to our online community

Having a parent with BPD can be rather challenging as many of our members have experienced. What led you to start listening to Stop Walking on Eggshells?

What do you consider your mother's most difficult or troubling behaviors?

The Board Parrot

[Wisteria]

Thank you for your nice welcome. I introduced myself before reading some of the posts from other members and am blown away. I can *so* relate to what others are describing. My mother, too, manipulates by her many and varied illnesses, something she's done my entire life. It sounds cliché but this is the first time I've been with people who really "get" it. Growing up I was an only child and my folks were divorced, so I got the brunt of her rage and blame and nutty behavior. Why I'm reaching out now is that I'm back in therapy to deal after being diagnosed with "complex trauma."  I've done a lot of my own work over the years and I'm light years from where I was, but there's this lingering issue of my mother.  She is in her 80's now and continues to have health crises, and she's telling family members she doesn't know how much longer she has to live - I shake my head at that one. Thankfully she's in a nursing home, so she's being well cared for. My dilemma is that I'm trying to decide whether or not to remain in contact with her. I've done NC many times over the past 30 years, but this time it feels different. I'm finally realizing that she really can't give me much, that I rarely asked for anything in the way of emotional support or for anything that meant a lot to me because I couldn't trust her. But I took a risk recently and asked her to tell me why she filed for divorce from my dad, and she postponed telling me twice. Her excuse was that she didn't feel up to it, that she was "too sick." That was a turning point, because for once I asked her for what I needed, telling her it was important to me, and she couldn't or wouldn't do it. Can anyone relate to this?

Oh, my. I didn't intend to disclose this much, but I don't have anyone in my life who really understands what it's like having a parent with uPBD.

[Kwamina]

Hi Wisteria

Dealing with 'complex trauma' isn't easy, I am glad you are getting help for this. Many of our members have been traumatized by their experiences with their BPD parents and several members have posted about dealing with complex PTSD. So indeed, we get it here

How long have you been in therapy after your 'complex trauma' diagnosis? What led up to you getting this diagnosis now?

But I took a risk recently and asked her to tell me why she filed for divorce from my dad, and she postponed telling me twice. Her excuse was that she didn't feel up to it, that she was "too sick." That was a turning point, because for once I asked her for what I needed, telling her it was important to me, and she couldn't or wouldn't do it. Can anyone relate to this?

There are several things that could be going on here I think. It could indeed be that she does not want to tell you just because she thinks it's important to you. There could also be other explanations though. Divorces can be painful for all people involved, it could be that this is a sensitive topic for your mother. My own uBPD mother divorced my father when I was a very young child, to young to remember, and to this day she has never ever talked to me about the divorce.

How was/is your relationship with your dad? Have you ever talked to him about why your parents got divorced?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[joinedtheclub]

Hi Wisteria and Welcome!

I remember well on one difficult night when I found this board and had this anonymous group of people who had had the same kinds of experiences - that they had "got it" just like you describe.  This board has been an immense source of strength through all the challenging times since.

Sometimes I wonder if they (our BPD parents) have literally shared the same script!  My mother used to always describe how "I'll be dead soon and you'll be so happy," and so on.  It sounds like your mother is saying she doesn't have much longer to live.  People can easily live well past their 80s.

My mother just recently transitioned into long-term-care and it was the most amazing relief and sadness.  Relief that I was finally free of some specific entanglements.  Sadness, really it was grief, that she had lived her full cognitive life without ever apparently putting the needs of her kids on a priority status (let alone putting our needs "first"), that she had never been held to account for the many terrible things she had said and done, that she had never apologized.

I'm sharing this as I had thought the transition would be all a good thing.  For sure it was a good thing, but I hadn't expected all these other emotions, feelings, and reflections.  What I learned, which may be handy to you, is that, though my mother was in long-term-care and I was essentially freed, there may be thoughts of unresolved things which may tug you back, even though you may not really want to.  It's a different kind of pull than many of us have experienced.  There's also simply the pull to be kind to an older, frailer person; we had been trained to give, give, give, and deprioritize ourselves, so we can feel shame at being NC to someone... in their 80s... in long-term care.  It sounds so cold.

What I can share is what someone shared with me, "Just because someone is old doesn't mean they're nice."  So aside from visiting her once in the long-term-care, I have been total NC.  It has felt great.

I gave up personally trying to understand things from her - histories in the family, etc., because I learned they were always through a filter of narcissism and everybody-else-was-so-bad-to-her.  This was only reinforced when I had to clear out her apartment and found all of her writings in which she documents truly terrible thoughts about everyone else around her.

I think anyone with BPD parents are left with questions.  I know I am.  I have lots of questions.  I know now, though, that the answers will never come from her.

This phase - how do you handle your relationship when she's in health decline and death is somewhere likely in the next decade - is tricky.  But someone's past behaviour is the best predictor of their future behaviour, and getting old likely won't change that.

As her child, you've done your civic duty:  you made sure she is well cared for.  You can walk away forever if that's what you want, without any shame or guilt.  I did and the view from here is great.

I hope that this all works out for you in a way that leaves you happy and calm.

Take care,

Joinedtheclub

[TelHill]

Thank you for your nice welcome. I introduced myself before reading some of the posts from other members and am blown away. I can *so* relate to what others are describing. My mother, too, manipulates by her many and varied illnesses, something she's done my entire life. It sounds cliché but this is the first time I've been with people who really "get" it. Growing up I was an only child and my folks were divorced, so I got the brunt of her rage and blame and nutty behavior. Why I'm reaching out now is that I'm back in therapy to deal after being diagnosed with "complex trauma."  I've done a lot of my own work over the years and I'm light years from where I was, but there's this lingering issue of my mother.  She is in her 80's now and continues to have health crises, and she's telling family members she doesn't know how much longer she has to live - I shake my head at that one. Thankfully she's in a nursing home, so she's being well cared for. My dilemma is that I'm trying to decide whether or not to remain in contact with her. I've done NC many times over the past 30 years, but this time it feels different. I'm finally realizing that she really can't give me much, that I rarely asked for anything in the way of emotional support or for anything that meant a lot to me because I couldn't trust her. But I took a risk recently and asked her to tell me why she filed for divorce from my dad, and she postponed telling me twice. Her excuse was that she didn't feel up to it, that she was "too sick." That was a turning point, because for once I asked her for what I needed, telling her it was important to me, and she couldn't or wouldn't do it. Can anyone relate to this?

Oh, my. I didn't intend to disclose this much, but I don't have anyone in my life who really understands what it's like having a parent with uPBD.

Welcome!  

My mom is bpd as well. I was mostly NC to LC most of my adult life. Could the pull be her advanced age?  You wish to spend some time with her now and protect yourself at the same time maybe? No need to answer. I'm simply throwing that out as food for thought.

I'm here with my parents now due to their being over 90. I don't have the heart to go NC or LC. They can take care of themselves  fairly well. I pitch in with the gaps such as driving, cleaning, paying bills, and mitigating loneliness, etc. I was one to ask mom to meet needs as a kid - that would set her off.

Glad you are getting therapy for your c-PTSD.  The pain lingers and doesn't go away completely. It's something I believe I will live with always. It's how I live with it that makes a difference.

Take care of yourself!

[Wisteria]

Thanks to everyone who responded. Yes, the pull is her advanced age and not wanting to having any regrets when she does eventually pass away. It's reassuring that some of you have maintained NC without regrets even though your BP is older. I haven't made a decision yet but I'm okay with not knowing and being in limbo right now.

I'd love to learn more about what brought you to this forum, and what your currently dealing with regarding your BPD family member.

[TelHill]

I came to this forum because it is very positive in how to deal with the issues caused by bpd relative and how to work on yourself. They did cause damage that's still evident.

To be honest I want to dial back on being here part time. My brother doesn't help. The part time turns into a frenzy of work of doctors' appointments, shopping, paying bills, cleaning. That would be manageable without my mother's rages and manipulations. That's the very hard part. It's hard to bounce back from the stress for a few days.

I want to work on myself so I can manage this situation. It is anger inducing, especially when my parents tell me I'm not helping them at all.  I don't expect  thank you's, but it would be nice to have my contributions acknowledged. My dad and my brother both laugh when I say I'm doing a lot for my parents. I believe they are gaslighting me.

So, I have to make a decision like you. I don't want to make a rash one. I love them, but I see being here has prolonged the grieving process with my husband who passed away 2 years ago. There's a lot to consider.