What do Golden Children (split white) experience with a bpd parent?

[TelHill]

I'm the split black/scapegoat child of a bpd mom. I have this older sibling only.

My brother has called me a troublemaker, say I over react, says I'm shrill, have been the cause of my mom's mental breakdown (a brief stay in a mental ward) when I moved far away from the area for a job. I called my mom once a day then. She would cry and beg me to come home. She was sure I was going to die.

Does he see a different version of our mother? If so, what is it?  Why does he see in me?

He has told my dad he realizes she has severe mental health problems. I've asked him about this. He refuses to respond to me.

I'm not looking for a me vs. him scenario where I can fight him with this info. There's no reason to JADE.  I'm polite, distant and lay low when he's at my parents. Not asking questions of him and giving him BIFF if he asks something of me. It's given me peace of mind.

[Notwendy]

I have a good relationship with the golden child in my family. I am also the scapegoat child. From what I can see, my GC sib is realistic about our mother, and he doesn't find being around her to be easy or more pleasant. However, he has a lot more FOG with her and is genuinely more attached to her. I think this is because he got more of the good mother part. My mother obviously favors him. As a child, this upset me but she dismissed it as sibling rivalry. But later, even family friends have remarked that it is obvious she favors him. I got more of her abusive behavior.

While I still feel it is important to treat her ethically, I am less emotionally attached to her. I didn't have the same child-parent bond with her that the GC has, although I did have one with my father. Now that my father is gone, there is very little emotional connection with my mother. The GC on the other hand feels more connected. They did have a bond, even though she's abusive to all her children.

They say BPD is a disorder that affects the most intimate relationships the most. Ironically, while she is more attached to the GC, she also treats him the best and the worst. She is more generous with her resources with him and also more verbally and emotionally abusive- and because he's attached, he puts up with it more.

I don't take this behavior from her and she knows it. She's also less interested in me. She's actually quite cold to me. It's pretty obvious she doesn't really care about me, maybe never did, but as a female child I was useful to her- was able to do housework, be her caretaker. We had gender roles in the family and I was useful in that sense but she isn't emotionally attached to me.

While this was hurtful as a child, I see now that I was better off as an adult to not be the GC. While I don't wish to treat my mother cruelly, I also don't feel obligated to tolerate her behavior.

[TelHill]

I asked because I'm reading "Understanding The Borderline Mother."  The author describes the late actress Joan Crawford treatment of her golden child (Christopher) not having a clue that something was wrong with mom. The scapegoat - Mommie Dearest author Christina Crawford - got the brunt of the rage.

My brother knows my mom has issues but describes my issues of being overdramatic or overreactive.   I am not sure if he is being dismissive/uncaring or believes I had a doting, complimenting mom like he did.

He's six years older and left home for high school when I was 8. Never lived with him as a sibling for long periods of time after that -- just weekends and summers.  He studied in his room so never saw him much.

[Notwendy]

The GC sibling is aware of my mother's issues but doesn't perceive them in the same way. It makes sense- he got the "good" side of her more often than I did.  She spent more time with him, bought him toys, treated him with affection. It's only natural that he would feel more bonded with her.

While he believes me, he also feels closer to our mother. I try to not triangulate with them. He can have his own relationship with her.  Part of my acceptance of the situation is to accept that they are more compatible together than she is with me and he has more of a parent-child bond with her. I can accept that we would have different childhood memories and perceptions of her.

I think it helps to not take the situation personally. There are factors that have nothing to do with me that I was her "painted black" child.  We are both female and she somehow perceived my father's affection for me as a sort of competition.   I was a feistier baby while he was docile. We are just made with our own natures I guess and theirs fit together better. But it doesn't mean I am less worthy of being loved or cared for- she just is who she is too.

[TelHill]

The GC sibling is aware of my mother's issues but doesn't perceive them in the same way. It makes sense- he got the "good" side of her more often than I did.  She spent more time with him, bought him toys, treated him with affection. It's only natural that he would feel more bonded with her.

While he believes me, he also feels closer to our mother. I try to not triangulate with them. He can have his own relationship with her.  Part of my acceptance of the situation is to accept that they are more compatible together than she is with me and he has more of a parent-child bond with her. I can accept that we would have different childhood memories and perceptions of her.

I think it helps to not take the situation personally. There are factors that have nothing to do with me that I was her "painted black" child.  We are both female and she somehow perceived my father's affection for me as a sort of competition.   I was a feistier baby while he was docile. We are just made with our own natures I guess and theirs fit together better. But it doesn't mean I am less worthy of being loved or cared for- she just is who she is too.

Our situations sound similar.  Acceptance of & detachment from family dynamics is the best course for me. That makes sense. I'm creating a lot of stress for myself that's unneccesary. TY!

[Panda39]

My brother has called me a troublemaker, say I over react, says I'm shrill, have been the cause of my mom's mental breakdown

Your brother is following your mom's lead and using you as the Scapegoat here.  Mom has mental illness.  Can't blame mom for her issues/behaviors she's the victim of mental illness so he puts the blame on you.  There really should be no blame here it is what it is no one is doing this on purpose.

What I'm hearing is your brother is going along to get along.  To me that kind of behavior says he does know mom has issues but his coping mechanism is to not make waves.  And he doesn't like it when you make waves...ie: stand up for yourself, disagree with your mom, have a differing opinion or viewpoint etc. because this can trigger her. 

It sounds like your brother is walking on eggshells.

Panda39

[TelHill]

Your brother is following your mom's lead and using you as the Scapegoat here.  Mom has mental illness.  Can't blame mom for her issues/behaviors she's the victim of mental illness so he puts the blame on you.  There really should be no blame here it is what it is no one is doing this on purpose.

What I'm hearing is your brother is going along to get along.  To me that kind of behavior says he does know mom has issues but his coping mechanism is to not make waves.  And he doesn't like it when you make waves...ie: stand up for yourself, disagree with your mom, have a differing opinion or viewpoint etc. because this can trigger her. 

It sounds like your brother is walking on eggshells.

Panda39

I agree that he, dad and I are walking on eggshells.  I have to accept he's not willing to help my parents with any care giving..  That's been the point of contention, and been my sole issue with him. I am busy with a small business my late husband and I had together. I also want to return my career. I feel like I have lead weights around my ankles due to my elderly parents' needs. I'm not effective with my own life as I'd like to be. I've asked him to help out a bit so I can get a little of what he has - friends, activities, vacations, career.  I'm looking for outside help for my parents.  I don't think he'll ever help.

I'll continue to do BIFF with any exchange I have with my brother.

[gotbushels]

TelHill  

[...] her golden child (Christopher) not having a clue that something was wrong with mom.

I do agree with Notwendy that the 'all-good' child doesn't necessarily have a reason to investigate.

It makes sense- he got the "good" side of her more often than I did.  

From his shoes, you may be able to see that his relationship resembles more of that of a 'normal' mother-child relationship—his physical and emotional needs appear to be being met. Often if there doesn't seem to a 'problem' to people, then they've less reasons to look for the why.

There are costs to being the all-good child, here are some from Lawson:

"They are often overcommitted and emotionally preoccupied because they fear disappointing others."

"All-good children can feel so guilty about having been spared the abuse experienced by the no-good sibling that they become compulsive caregivers, compelled to rescue victims of oppression, illness, injustice, or mistreatment. "

I think they are issues that can cause severe problems.


So there are issues that children face on both sides. Sometimes—as 'bad' children or 'good' children—the grass always seems greener for the other child. The constant is the BPD parent—so it's really up to us to figure out the best way we can play the cards we've got.


Enjoy your peace.

[TelHill]

Hi gotbushels,

I am trying to see why the “good” child has been a less than stellar brother. He’s not preoccupied with being just or fair to me. I’ve asked him to do a few favors to file legal documents for me when my husband passed away. I was not thinking clearly. My father asked him to help me. He went through the motions & let things fall through the cracks. It was very simple stuff to do. His failure cost me a few thousand.

There’s so much other petty stuff like he knows the best way to navigate through the city I lived in for 25 years. He’s been a suburban weekend tourist to this busy urban area. I had to drive all over my city to buy things for my business. I took my parents to get them out of the house. No gps needed. My dad told me you know your city well.  I didn’t ask his opinion or bring this up.

I’ve done better in school, in work, financially than my brother. I am guessing some of it is my stubborn personality. My mom would over praise and over do for my brother. He expected and still expects this. He’s the entitled guy. I had to deal with real life.

I believe he’s embarrassed that I’ve outdone him. He’s not happy with that. I could be wrong but he may refuse helping me with our parents because he’s angry that I have what should have been his. I don’t show off or care about this. He’s created my so-called stupidity in his mind.

I simply want help with my parents. He got love from a bpd mom, better than me? It didn’t serve him well. I’m not looking for love in the wrong places - with my parents. I’m not here to get blood from 2 stones.

He’s not the most mature guy.  I do BIFF and stay away.

Gotbushels, I appreciate your taking the time to help me. Some of these self-help books address only part of the dysfunctional family dynamic.

I’ve read fiction that’s been more insightful than some self-help books.  Has anyone read a short story by DH Lawrence called The Rocking Horse Winner. The mom in it reminds me of mine. It’s been speculated that Lawrence’s mom had a personality disorder.  The creator of the Sopranos TV show admits his mom was narcissistic. Am sure most know the main character’s cruel mother was based on his real life mom.

[Notwendy]

I think it is hard to generalize traits to just one situation- being the GC.

There are other factors that influence personality.  Some include birth order, gender, environment, and genetics.

I think it is fair to say that the GC can have a different perception of the BPD parent if they got more of the affectionate or best side of them, and the scapegoat got more of the abuse.

I think enabling can influence how the child does as an adult. My GG sibling was enabled more.

Both of us tend to fear disappointing others- and also very sensitive to situations where people are oppressed or treated unfairly.

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you hearing that you are the scapegoat of a mother with BPD. I know how hard it is to be the scapegoat because I am a scapegoat, painted black by my immediate family and other relatives, and being the scapegoat is painful. There are many generations of scapegoats and golden children in my family. You are asking: What do golden children experience with a BPD parent? I would say that golden children experience themselves as being perfect in the eyes of the BPD parent, yet don't really have good self esteem because they are not given credit for genuine achievements, and in the long run have a hard time getting along with others because they expect to be worshipped like they are by the BPD parent. With the long list of golden children in my family, I notice that they seem to have a need to scapegoat others as a means of feeling better about themselves and are really insecure while arrogant at the same time.

[Harri]

Hi.

The golden child is just as much the product of the disordered parents dysfunction as the scapegoat is.  It is not a better or easier role.  Both roles are projections of the disordered parent.   The golden child often has no real sense of self and struggles with having no boundaries.  There is no good role to have in these sort of families.  I think the golden child takes a much harder emotional beating in terms of dealing with covert abuse and lack of Self.

Notwendy mentioned that we can't generalize and that other factors come into play in terms of the roles we take on and the extent to which we take them on.   Some golden children are not 'disordered' as adults, just as some scapegoat, hero and lost children are not.  At rhe same time, no one gets out without damage.

The scapegoat is more likely to get help later on and is the truth teller, but is also the one who will act out emotionally and be demanding in other ways.  Scapegoats also suffer from lack of boundaries and a distorted sense of self.  Things just look different on the outside.

So there are issues that children face on both sides. Sometimes—as 'bad' children or 'good' children—the grass always seems greener for the other child. The constant is the BPD parent—so it's really up to us to figure out the best way we can play the cards we've got.

I agree.

Does he see a different version of our mother? If so, what is it?  Why does he see in me? Yes, he probably does.  Chances are he sees her differently because she is different with him because he serves a different purpose for her.   It is all tied together.  He may see you as the cause of the trouble he then has to deal with when your mother gets dysregulated.  It is hard to say.

zachira talks about the golden children in her family and explains it well I think. 

I am trying to see why the “good” child has been a less than stellar brother.

I don't think he ever learned how to be a good brother or what that even means. On thought I have is that on top of that he may have personality traits that work well with his role as the golden child.  A healthy parent would have seen and identified those behaviors and helped him learn to cope and temper them.  He never stood a chance really.

I think understanding his behavior is a good thing to do Telhill.  Putting things in context, not to excuse but to not take things so personally and allow yourself to detach emotionally and have appropriate expectations is a good thing.   

[TelHill]

Hi.

The golden child is just as much the product of the disordered parents dysfunction as the scapegoat is.

I think understanding his behavior is a good thing to do Telhill.  Putting things in context, not to excuse but to not take things so personally and allow yourself to detach emotionally and have appropriate expectations is a good thing.  

I read this after you posted & waited to respond. . After a while, I felt a calm detachment. I am taking a long break from this. I understand his situation. I want to concentrate on setting boundaries with my parents and settling down to return to work. Things change in my line of work every few months. I have to learn some new stuff. I enjoy it, but time consuming.

I wonder if I was/am going off the deep end about my brother to avoid failing? Failing to find good friends, going on many bad dates, having to keep my guard up at a job. Safer to shadow box with my brother in my head, I believe.

I didn’t think about him today much. My day was pretty good & had a lot of energy. Maybe I’ll be sticking pins into a brother voodoo doll tomorrow? I hope not! Calm is better.

[Harri]

Hi Telhill   

The same tools and skills you use with your parents will apply to your brother too.  Understanding him and that he too was damaged does not change the fact that he is 100% responsible for his actions.   I hope it did not sound like I wanted you to give him a free pass.  Just perspective for you to use so you can work on responding rather than reacting... and of course there will still be times when you will get angry.  I think that goes hand in hand in all relationship but especially when dealing with disordered people. 

I wonder if I was/am going off the deep end about my brother to avoid failing? Failing to find good friends, going on many bad dates, having to keep my guard up at a job. Safer to shadow box with my brother in my head, I believe.

Interesting questions!   I don't know the answers but am willing to explore the questions with you.

[Notwendy]

Good question.

Sometimes our own issues can influence who we date. We tend to choose people who "match" us in some way, and that can include our emotional issues. Maybe rather than focus on dating, focus on working on these issues for yourself. I think it is still a good idea to not be isolated and try to make friends, but rather than mainly dates, join a group or volunteer project where you do things with a group of people.

But don't not date ever - maybe you will meet someone you are interested in- maybe keep it casual, don't get too involved right away. Then, if it's not a good fit, it's not gotten to a point of difficulty. But you decide when you are ready. You might need some self work still to get to the point where you are more comfortable choosing people. There are no perfect people, but there are some nice ones!

And you don't have to tell your mother. It's not her business who you date.

[TelHill]

Hi Harri,

No free pass. He’s not a nice guy. He’s an adult & chooses his actions. Abuse is not an excuse for maltreating others. I try my best to behave morally.

I’m going NC, doing gray rock for now.  

Hi notwendy, I agree about taking dating casually and being very careful. I need self-work & therapy.

I don’t need additional issues. If the dating is more than I can handle due to my bad picks or issues from past creeping up, I’m disappointed but not crushed. There’s lots more to life than a guy on your arm.

I want platonic friends & fun activities/hobbies. That will be difficult too. That’s my main focus, just like you wisely said!