First post: found out about BPD this year

[WanderColossus]

Hello,
This forum is a terrific resource.  I really appreciate the ideas and support that people have posted on here. 

I think as I have gotten to know my partner (wife) better over a decade, her quirks have revealed themselves gradually.  I remember some conflict even in the first couple of years, but I didn't think too much of it.  Three years into our marriage, I started to think in terms of the metaphor of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  I found myself being a little bit (okay, that's an understatement) of a caretaker.  Then, at the time of my first child's birth, there was a sea change in the way she viewed me.  That's not actually so unusual, but it was a stark difference.  She developed the idea that I and my parents (her in-laws) were controlling or judging her. We started a course of marital counseling that lasted a couple of years, and during the course of that she revealed to me all the instances where I had, basically, invalidated her in the past.  This was beneficial for me, because these were not apparent to me until she finally told me.  For about a year and a half after the birth, intimacy and doing any kind of fun thing together was not something she wanted, but at the two year mark things began to level out for a bit, she began to pursue her interests, and our relationship started to improve.  The unexpected conception, pregnancy, and birth of our second son threw a wrench in things.  We were fortunately in a financial position where we could alleviate a lot of the stresses that were experienced for our first child, and we did so, but between some significant unreasonable changes in my work obligations and having a second child, I found myself without the resources to do the caretaker thing which I had been doing.  At that point, I was still preparing all meals, doing all grocery shopping, doing all doctor appointments, bills, all driving kids to and from daycare, and really the lion's share of the housework, but my ability to be the emotional caretaker was eroding, largely because my job requires me to be an emotional support, often for individuals with trauma.  The wheels were coming off, so to speak.  We entered into a period that corresponds to the book "The High Conflict Couple" where the amygdala was in the driver's seat for both of us.  It was awful.  I took significant steps to change my career to something quite different so that I could focus on domestic life.  Things are kind of stabilizing, but well, stabilizing at a level that I think would not be acceptable for most people.

Things which I am pursuing for myself:  depression, anxiety, ADHD, alcohol dependence, asperger's (this at request of wife), codependency.

Other things my wife suggested to me: narcissistic personality disorder (I don't believe I have the traits)

My wife is currently receiving therapy for PTSD, which is close enough to BPD that I feel it's useful.

Traits that I have seen: splitting, projection, rage, dissociation, daily emotional dysregulation, double binds, unintentional gaslighting, "I hate you, don't leave me", scary threats, being a black sheep, unstable sense of self, unstable relationships.  Lots and lots of guilt, completely redirected outward, I can see.  I also have noticed NPD traits, particularly blowing up on days that celebrate other people, not being able to handle that.   

I work hard to not invalidate, but an occasional minor lapse tends to blow up big.     

We are currently in a non-legally "separated, open" relationship because that is what she feels comfortable.  Also, we are in a process of creating separate rooms within the house.  I do consider living in separate locations, although the main concern I have with that is I'd end up doing a ton more work because of things she's not able to do (particularly concerning the young kids - she doesn't drive currently).   

I'd like to heal the relationship, and I do worry that the cumulative effect of her actions is actually damaging my ability to love her...It's often withering.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Wow, you've got a heavy load.  You've clearly got an intellect able to analyze your situation, plenty of empathy, and the capacity for a ton of hard work over a long period.  Coming here for support from folks who have been in similar situations is an important step.  How well are you doing taking care of yourself?  I can almost guess your answer on friends, hobbies, and exercise, but go ahead and fill us in ;)

RC

[WanderColossus]

Thank you, Radcliff,

"I can almost guess your answer"    If you guessed not great, you are correct!  For friends, I did recently reach out to a couple long time no contact people, and I have a bi-monthly get together with a small group.  My work colleagues have always been nice, and in my new position I actually told someone the most general outline (this is a person that I had known before in a different role), so that I don't have the "cagey" feeling that I had before when I didn't understand what was going on and was afraid to talk to people.  It's token, but it's making progress for me.  For exercise, I know how important it is and am making progress recently towards 3 times a week, though not yet.  Hobbies is tough; everything seems like "work" and when I am not working I just want to turn off.   I have one therapy support and am adding a second which is promising.  For the second I wanted to find someone who at least had bpd on their profile.  

Reading these boards, it seems like the best mate for a person with bpd characteristics is a person who already has an understanding of bpd.  It's hard to restore boundaries that were broken down while you were not terribly focused on boundaries.  

[Thayan]

Sounds very much like my story too! Things seemed well enough until our first child. The pregnancy was apocalyptic (emotionally - our son is great), in labor she may have even said “I hate you don’t leave me!” Then there was a short period between pregnancies where things were great again, then pregnancy #2 really broke me. I went on meds, counseling, etc. I have changed jobs over this too. I’m still trying to learn to self care again. I am at least recognizing I have this fear when I leave to do something fun that 1) she’ll call/text 20 times and stress me out the whole time 2) no texts but just angry at me for no reason when I return or 3) she says something impossible to ignore like “I want to die/kill myself/ the kids/etc” and then I’m not really able to feel safe leaving for a few hours.

I’m naturally an introvert, so planning social things was always hard for me even before this. Certainly makes it even harder to go out. Any thoughts on breaking the cycle?

[Radcliff]

That's great that you're broadening your support network.  We all need a diverse array of support sources to cope with our situations.  What boundary issues are causing you the most pain/difficulty right now?

RC